My wife is having an affair after being married for 4 years

[abella 13]

objection ,

why OP should make a problem for boyfriend (married man with 4 kids). his children needs their Dad's money ,The boyfriend part is his wife (woman with 4 kids) side , she should do something and decide about cheater husband.

Our OP should focus in his situation.

One thing more, take a note from ((woman with 4 kids)) put in the mail you want to send the USCIS for stop her US citizenship, some thing show that your wife makes problem on her 4 US citizen kids lives and the US citizen woman.

I don't think you can do something to send her to her country, that is too late. already she is LPR and have a US citizen child. just make a problem for her N-400.

Because the othe man's woman has the right to know her husband is a cheating jerk. Then she too can make a decision whether to keep him or kick him to the curb.

[abella 13]

The age difference is not the problem. Her character is the problem. What he did or didn't do is not the problem, her choice to cheat is the problem.

Six month of cheating and lying and sneaking around, brazenly posting a pic of her and her lover on Facebook for all to see and then

having the nerve to say she needs to think about it. Oh heck no !

The last thing I would do is sit around waiting for her 'little' mind to be made up of what the heck she wants.

She acts like she is a 17 years old queen bee and takes the OP for granted in a style of first class ghetto mockery.

OP's lack of action seems to empower her destructive entitlement even more, she is floating into the "I can do anything I want to and get away with it" realm of stupid !

At the very least she needs to get off the pot and file for a divorce instead of screwing around with this guy.

Culture my foot ! When divorce is not culturally acceptable you keep your legs closed and grow some integrity and be accountable for your choice

to marry or grow some balls and 'do you' by going against your culture rather than dragging your spouse through the damn mess with you.

Posting a profile pic on Facebook with your married lover for the world to see is also against cultural standards but she didn't care did she ?

She is a spoiled little self indulgent brat and needs a reality check.

YES!!!

[novedsac 355]

I believe that most of us are capable of having an affair under the right circumstances, although how we would deal with the aftermath or guilt would depend on our emotional maturity.

Really?

I suppose most of us are physically capable of performing an adulterous act, but I feel comfortable in saying that the vast majority of my close friends and family possess 'something' that limits whatever urges they may have to develop into actionable events. Religious perhaps … cultural perhaps … some other aspect of their make up … I don't know.

I cannot imagine a circumstance where I would commit adultery … and I've got a very active imagination … screwing around with someone whilst married to another (without their permission - there are people out there who are into this) is not fair to the person being screwed around on, not fair to the person being screwed … and, most of all, completely disrespectful to myself and those who depend upon me (i.e., my kids). There are far, far more important things in my life than dipping my wick when the mood strikes.

Ebunoluma got it right - she's got a character flaw. In my opinion, the lying and manipulation over an extended period of a time is a significant character flaw which, in my experience, is usually a fundamental part of the person's makeup and not correctible. I do NOT believe that most of us, at least the 'us' that I'm familiar with in my life, are capable of this type of lying and manipulation.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Really?

I suppose most of us are physically capable of performing an adulterous act, but I feel comfortable in saying that the vast majority of my close friends and family possess 'something' that limits whatever urges they may have to develop into actionable events. Religious perhaps … cultural perhaps … some other aspect of their make up … I don't know.

I cannot imagine a circumstance where I would commit adultery … and I've got a very active imagination … screwing around with someone whilst married to another (without their permission - there are people out there who are into this) is not fair to the person being screwed around on, not fair to the person being screwed … and, most of all, completely disrespectful to myself and those who depend upon me (i.e., my kids). There are far, far more important things in my life than dipping my wick when the mood strikes.

Ebunoluma got it right - she's got a character flaw. In my opinion, the lying and manipulation over an extended period of a time is a significant character flaw which, in my experience, is usually a fundamental part of the person's makeup and not correctible. I do NOT believe that most of us, at least the 'us' that I'm familiar with in my life, are capable of this type of lying and manipulation.

I'm not condoning the behavior but I'm not going to go as far as some here and call the behavior a personality disorder or character flaw. The reality is that many extramarital affairs happen, probably a lot more than people want to believe. There's no telling what the circumstances were in this situation and while agree that whatever the circumstances, it doesn't change the reprocussions. But regardless of whether the marriage survives or not, she is and will continue to be the mother of his child and harboring any malcontent towards her is ultimately going to hurt his daughter. Maybe she felt mistreated in the marriage. Maybe there's domestic violence and she was looking for an escape. Who knows? My point is that it does no favors to the OP to question the character of the mother of his daughter because we've only heard one side of the story. If he's genuinely a kind and love father and husband, my condolences to him. Hopefully he'll get through the emotional turmoil by seeking counseling because sorting it out on a message board can never be good.

[Crashed~N2~Me 970]

I'm not condoning the behavior but 1) I'm not going to go as far as some here and call the behavior a personality disorder or character flaw. 2)The reality is that many extramarital affairs happen, probably a lot more than people want to believe. There's no telling what the circumstances were in this situation and while agree that whatever the circumstances, it doesn't change the reprocussions. But regardless of whether the marriage survives or not, she is and will continue to be the mother of his child and harboring any malcontent towards her is ultimately going to hurt his daughter. Maybe she felt mistreated in the marriage. Maybe there's domestic violence and she was looking for an escape. Who knows? My point is that it does no favors to the OP to question the character of the mother of his daughter because we've only heard one side of the story. If he's genuinely a kind and love father and husband, my condolences to him. Hopefully he'll get through the emotional turmoil by seeking counseling because sorting it out on a message board can never be good.

Let me say 1st - I agree with your advice = OP seek professional help & put the child's interests @ high priority. Coz at this point - imo - every other aspect of the marriage is in disarray and / but the child remains.

Bolded -

1) You can't rule it out either.

2) & a lot of people have personality disorders and character flaws.

Perhaps....these links will help...?

http://www.mental-health-matters.com/narcissistic-personality-disorder/1704-why-narcissists-cheat-on-their-spouses-commit-adultery-and-have-extramarital-affairs-and-liaisons

http://bpd.about.com/od/forfamilyandfriends/f/Borderline-Personality-And-Cheating.htm

http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/personality-disorders/basics/symptoms/con-20030111

http://en.allexperts.com/q/Adultery-2037/2011/6/lying-personality-disorder-both.htm

http://abusemenot.wordpress.com/personality-disorder-and-infidelity/

http://ezinearticles.com/?Infidelity-and-Personality-Disorders---9-Signs-Your-Partners-Cheating-Might-Mean-More&id=2041438

http://www.psychforums.com/histrionic-personality/topic37522.html

http://ezinearticles.com/?Affairs-and-Personality-Disorders---8-Signs-Your-Partners-Infidelity-May-Signal-a-Bigger-Issue&id=1874322

Edited March 29, 2014 by Crashed~N2~Me

[G. Simoun 3]

Have a good talk with wife. Seek couples counseling. Take care of yourself so you can take care of the kid. Eat well, exercise. Lean on friends and family. If she leaves, that's her call. You might be heartbroken, but you don't want to live with that sort of deception all your life.

Why does this even have anything to do with immigration at this point?

We've been married since January 16th 2010.Visa Journey was a great help with my own processing of all the legal papers.We were blessed with a beautiful baby girl one year later.

My Daughter three years old now.My wife started working at the end of April 2013.I was so proud of her to have her first ever job.This past Saturday I receive a phone call from a unknown person stating the my wife was having a relation ship with her co-worker.And had been since November 2013.I had suspected something was going on since about then with her not coming home several nights after going out with her friends.Needless to say my life is turned upside down now.I'm posting here to see if anyone knows if there are any Immigration laws about an affair.This is a huge mess I'm in.I love my wife so much and I'm deeply hurting inside.I want my family back.My main concern here is to protect Daughters stability with me.Please advise me if possible.Thank you

[G. Simoun 3]

I think it's because he mentioned immigration in his original post. He later clarified that by saying he was just worried about being liable to support her until she becomes a citizen or abandons her greencard.

Why do some people assume he wants her kicked out of the country? Even if he wants to divorce her, he may wish the best for her. Not to mention he may want his daughter to grow up with a mother.

[InHisTime 110]

I'm not condoning the behavior but I'm not going to go as far as some here and call the behavior a personality disorder or character flaw. The reality is that many extramarital affairs happen, probably a lot more than people want to believe. There's no telling what the circumstances were in this situation and while agree that whatever the circumstances, it doesn't change the reprocussions. But regardless of whether the marriage survives or not, she is and will continue to be the mother of his child and harboring any malcontent towards her is ultimately going to hurt his daughter. Maybe she felt mistreated in the marriage. Maybe there's domestic violence and she was looking for an escape. Who knows? My point is that it does no favors to the OP to question the character of the mother of his daughter because we've only heard one side of the story. If he's genuinely a kind and love father and husband, my condolences to him. Hopefully he'll get through the emotional turmoil by seeking counseling because sorting it out on a message board can never be good.

Well,

I agree 100%, and we should never judge anyone cos we don't know the real situation. I too does not favor of the wife's action. Cheating is below standard and it is not easily forgivable, unless she feels sorry and remorse, over and over pleading again, and subsequently change her actions to become a better and one man woman / wife.

For now, I guess she is emotionally involve with her lover, for a reason we do not know.

OP, you may have to consult a therapist to help you overcome disappointment / depression. I know how devastating it is. You may divorce your wife in case marriage is unworkable and perhaps ensure custody of your child.

Then simply move on with your life. Your daughter should still be able to see her mom, that is her right as a child...and the mom as well. So never stop the bond between the child and mom so you won't regret more in life. The child will try look for her mom and you can never stop it. At least despite of everything, you still try to give the best to your child.

As far as immigration concern of your wife, it is now her problem, not yours. I think it is not proper you stop her immigration benefits. You both spent more than 4 years in marriage together. I think she also have loved you, not just getting a GC. I hope you never become bitter and vindictive so you can move on with your life freely and attain peace in your heart as you progress.

If she get a good and stable job, then it would be more better, so in time you will no longer have to support her as mandated by law with the affidavit of support you signed. Don't be like other USCs, once the relationship failed, they immediately resort to become very vindictive and making it hard on immigration benefits.

Having a child with her, it is a blessing ! She will always be the mother of your child. I hope you think twice before you totally cut off the bond.

Then, stop asking question, why ???? It will get you more depressed. It maybe not your fault or her. Just accept the fact that anyone can change. Change is inevitable. A marriage should be a lifetime process, but it could spoil if one is not matured for the relationship. That is why it is best to enjoy life's journey and make most of it NOW.

Still learn to be grateful to God despite of your situation. Head up ! It didn't happen to you alone. Just learn your lessons to avoid similar mistakes in the future. You will be fine much.

Any race or country specific is not a guarantee to have a successful marriage. It's not about she comes from the Philippines or whatever culture. I don't like anyone to say it is because she comes from Philippines. A lot of Fil-Am marriages are successful and happy, just didn't show statistics here, but you could see more of them in reality.

A happy marriage is a matter of having a kind, understanding and unconditionally loving twin hearts forever, not country specific issues. God bless and have a great evening everyone ! ---- InHisTime

[JGL 0]

Let me guess...

Her family in the Philippines is poor, if not, average but definitely not well off.

She is much younger than you, she's young when you guys got married.

This guy she is cheating with is also a Filipino

Sorry about what you're going through. I hope you guys can work things out. Whether you decide to stay together or live separate lives, just do what is best for your child. In the long run she will realize what she did, and if there's nothing you can do about it now, don't worry because karma will catch up to her.

Let me guess...

Her family in the Philippines is poor, if not, average but definitely not well off.

She is much younger than you, she's young when you guys got married.

This guy she is cheating with is also a Filipino

Sorry about what you're going through. I hope you guys can work things out. Whether you decide to stay together or live separate lives, just do what is best for your child. In the long run she will realize what she did, and if there's nothing you can do about it now, don't worry because karma will catch up to her.

[kevinj 19]

We have to go more than halfway back up this thread to 'hear from' the OP. I'll respectfully suggest we give it a break here till we hear from him about how we might serve him here with our comments. I'm guessing we're a bit off track.

Cheers all,

Kevin

[Crashed~N2~Me 970]

(SMH)

[Caryh 5,206]

If she get a good and stable job, then it would be more better, so in time you will no longer have to support her as mandated by law with the affidavit of support you signed.

The affidavit of support does not mandate he support her. It mandates that he pay back the government for any means tested benefits she may receive., if the government chooses to collect from him. The affidavit of support has been used to attempt to get spousal support in rare cases, but getting spousal support based on it has failed more often than succeeded in the rare cases its been attempted.

[Umka36 781]

I suggest reading part 8 of the I-864. Especially on the section "What does signing the Form I-864 require me to do?" and "What if I do not fulfill my obligation?". To me it's more than just reimbursing the government, but also a document that can be used to sue the sponsor for support.

Can someone confirm if this (language about support) was also on the old I-864 form?

http://www.uscis.gov/sites/default/files/files/form/i-864.pdf

Edited March 31, 2014 by Umka36

[Caryh 5,206]

I suggest reading part 8 of the I-864. Especially on the section "What does signing the Form I-864 require me to do?" and "What if I do not fulfill my obligation?". To me it's more than just reimbursing the government, but also a document that can be used to sue the sponsor for support.

Can someone confirm if this (language about support) was also on the old I-864 form?

http://www.uscis.gov/sites/default/files/files/form/i-864.pdf

It can be used to sue, that doesn't mean people are winning support based on the I-864. More often than not, state courts have told them to take the federal contract to federal court, where winning support has also not been that great. There's a thread here where someone went to great effort to dig out case law on these type of cases. Its not 100 percent either way, but I got the impression in the rare cases it was used, winning the suit happened less than losing it. I big problem is this is federal law, needing to be brought to Federal court. States have their own laws and ways to determine if support is warranted, and Federal courts don't want to be in the divorce support issue business.

This is a contract between an individual and the Federal government. The immigrant is generally looked at as a third party, and not a party to the contract so they have no position to bring a case forward. Look at it this way, I could make a contract with a local store to deliver food to my drunk brother in law's house each week so his family doesn't go hungry. If the store fails to bring that food, I have a right to sue the store, my brother in law doesn't. While he may benefit from my contract with the store, he is not a party to the contract. Allowing him to bring a suit based on the contract, means he could also turn around and sue me if I decide I no longer want to pay that store to bring food to his home.

[Umka36 781]

All I'm going to say is that the language of support is in there, and I personally would not look at the I-864 lightly.