My wife is having an affair after being married for 4 years

[JTTJ 6]

Anytime you have to post something like that on something like this then I think you already know what to do. You need to think whats best for YOU!

[one...two...tree 2,762]

That is where I left it yesterday with her,she tells me she is going to have some space for a week and think.

If nothing comes of that it's me that needs to talk all this out with someone.

Do go talk to a professional and don't delay. If you have some close friends, talk to them as well, but in the meantime, try to not stew about it or over worry about the future of your daughter. It will all work out for the better in due time.

[Golden Gate 530]

This is what you have to do, expose her at work. Possibly get both of them fired. Stop being a victim. Call her family in her country and let them know as well. She will go bizerk, but she will get over it. Expose, expose, expose. Affairs are more attractive when secret... File for divorce and kick her out. She is gaining control of you and the situation when asking for time and space to think about it. Filing for D does not mean you lose your W or family forever, but it is the only chance you have to reestablish some respect and regain control of the situation.

Be strong, like a rock and do not yield, only take her back if she's begging and pleading and you feel comfortable with taking her back. This goes the same if sexes were reversed. She is deep in the affair fog and until she wakes up, you can't do anything to persuade her. Check the term affair fog on google.

I know this might sound counter-intuitive, but trust me. If she sees you as weak it will be the end. She will continue to cheat and eventually leave you for good.

Keep us posted on how things go for you from a legal standpoint and an immigration standpoint with your situation. Sorry you are going through this!

Good that you post here so that we all aware of situations that can go wrong and how to deal with them.

To some extent, I agree with this. Some times a person needs to be shamed in order to see what they are doing wrong. It may not change her and make her want to stay with you, but it is true that you need to appear strong.

My brother found out his wife was cheating on him for a year through an internet affair. She had left a folder on her computer desktop which had divorce papers inside. The person she was cheating with had only knew her from afar at a convention because they both have the same profession and worked for the same national company, and he started pursuing her.

Once my brother confronted her, she started to manipulate by saying she wanted to try to make the marriage work, etc. Even convincing my brother to start a company with my other brother and sister, when he was most vulnerable, because she was trying to distract him.

She led him on like this for about a year. But he found signs she was still seeing this guy, wearing his leather jacket, acting like a teenager. She was very childish but smart at the same time.

So her plans were moving forward to bring this guy to our state, have him replace her in her job, have him move into my brother and hers' house, and basically replace my brother after 16 years of marriage and two kids. And that she did. Plus she had a vicious lawyer and wiped out my brother financially. He kept believing she would come back to him. The neighbors were shocked and when they saw my brother, they were like 'what happened?' It was totally bizarre. Anyway, she is now married to this other guy, and he also had two kids who live with their mother in another state who was going through the same thing as my brother. This guy even became the football coach for my brother's kid's teams. He acted like he was their dad.

Don't underestimate her, and she is so brazen to have their picture on a Facebook page!

Edited March 28, 2014 by Golden Gate

[one...two...tree 2,762]

This is what you have to do, expose her at work. Possibly get both of them fired. Stop being a victim. Call her family in her country and let them know as well. She will go bizerk, but she will get over it. Expose, expose, expose. Affairs are more attractive when secret... File for divorce and kick her out. She is gaining control of you and the situation when asking for time and space to think about it. Filing for D does not mean you lose your W or family forever, but it is the only chance you have to reestablish some respect and regain control of the situation.

Be strong, like a rock and do not yield, only take her back if she's begging and pleading and you feel comfortable with taking her back. This goes the same if sexes were reversed. She is deep in the affair fog and until she wakes up, you can't do anything to persuade her. Check the term affair fog on google.

I know this might sound counter-intuitive, but trust me. If she sees you as weak it will be the end. She will continue to cheat and eventually leave you for good.

Keep us posted on how things go for you from a legal standpoint and an immigration standpoint with your situation. Sorry you are going through this!

Good that you post here so that we all aware of situations that can go wrong and how to deal with them.

That's probably the worst piece of advice given. He needs to be the better person here. That's not being a victim - whatever the hell that means. He sincerely loves his wife and child and when you love someone, you're allowing yourself to get hurt. Geezuz.

[Me_Theo 25]

This is what you have to do, expose her at work. Possibly get both of them fired.

objection ,

why OP should make a problem for boyfriend (married man with 4 kids). his children needs their Dad's money ,The boyfriend part is his wife (woman with 4 kids) side , she should do something and decide about cheater husband.

Our OP should focus in his situation.

One thing more, take a note from ((woman with 4 kids)) put in the mail you want to send the USCIS for stop her US citizenship, some thing show that your wife makes problem on her 4 US citizen kids lives and the US citizen woman.

I don't think you can do something to send her to her country, that is too late. already she is LPR and have a US citizen child. just make a problem for her N-400.

[Golden Gate 530]

objection ,

why OP should make a problem for boyfriend (married man with 4 kids). his children needs their Dad's money ,The boyfriend part is his wife (woman with 4 kids) side , she should do something and decide about cheater husband.

Our OP should focus in his situation.

One thing more, take a note from ((woman with 4 kids)) put in the mail you want to send the USCIS for stop her US citizenship, some thing show that your wife makes problem on her 4 US citizen kids lives and the US citizen woman.

I don't think you can do something to send her to her country, that is too late. already she is LPR and have a US citizen child. just make a problem for her N-400.

Yes, the wife of the guy already knows the situation and can handle it herself.

I don't think taking revenge on any of the parties will work, but just backfire.

He needs to remain strong and assert himself, rather than be at her whim. She is not his friend anymore. She can not be trusted. I don't think counseling will work. She has no shame.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

After re-reading the OPs initial post, I kinda agree with this.

His wife carried on an affair for nearly six months and it only came to light because of a third party. This is a lot different than 'honey, i got drunk at the office party and wasn't really myself'. I'd have a very, very difficult time reconciling deceit over that length of time. I'd also have a very difficult time believing she could make rationale decisions that didn't always put herself first … as a mother, she will need the capacity to put her kid(s) first. She should have considered your feelings/situation first. Having a problem with your spouse / falling out of love is one thing … happens all the time … quite natural, actually … but there is a correct way of handling things and then there is the stupid, selfish way of handling things.

Find a good friend to cry to, ###### about, etc. … you don't want to pay your attorney for counseling sessions because they will listen to everything you have to say and then charge you a lot more for their time.

Good luck.

The part in red - it's hard to know what her situation is or why she did it, and I don't think he's going to do himself any favors trying to figure that out other than by talking to a counselor.

[raven52 233]

I experienced this with my first wife. Yes, the young child must come first. Her well being, and not being impacted.

You sound just like I did, I loved my wife dearly!

We got back together.,., and it was the biggest "Mistake" I ever made in my life.,.,.,as if YOU, think YOU, can get over ""what you know has happened" .,.,.well..,.you are a better man than I ever was.!!!!!

I wasted 10 years of my life, wondering where she was, what was going on.,.,.,etc!

For all concerned, I hope it works for you..,.but as my best friend told ME..,.,."IF you think YOU can ever forget this.,.,.then YOU are a fool".,.,.,.(please note: this last statement refered to me.,.,and me only)

[Golden Gate 530]

Yes, the wife of the guy already knows the situation and can handle it herself.

I don't think taking revenge on any of the parties will work, but just backfire.

He needs to remain strong and assert himself, rather than be at her whim. She is not his friend anymore. She can not be trusted. I don't think counseling will work. She has no shame.

I think letting all the parties know what is happening, like say her family, will help him. When my children's father was cheating on me, I called the father of the girl he was cheating with. I found out some interesting information, like how he had lied about who I was and not being clear about the fact that I was pregnant while he was cheating on me. This girl was young, she still lived at home with her parents, and he was living with them too! Really weird, but that changed as soon as the father and I talked. They realized he wasn't who he said he was, and they discouraged their relationship. When the truth is out, the cheater can't hide. It forced him to take responsibility for his behavior and at least be responsible for his children and realize they were first.

Edited March 28, 2014 by Golden Gate

[abella 13]

That's probably the worst piece of advice given. He needs to be the better person here. That's not being a victim - whatever the hell that means. He sincerely loves his wife and child and when you love someone, you're allowing yourself to get hurt. Geezuz.

With all due respect, every book out there explicitly tells you to do exactly what I point out. It's called tough love. If he plays "the better person" role she will feel that she is justified and not stop. Without consequences there will be no reason to stop her behavior. But again, I think this is somewhat off topic. If OP will contact me in a PM I can redirect him to some very good marriage recover and infidelity forums where he can get help. I can also suggest some books.

The exposure is not to humiliate, although it will do that as a side effect. It is to kill the affair. Affairs are like fungi, they grow better in the dark.

[Crashed~N2~Me 970]

The ability to commit adultery is representative of a persons core value system. IMO - indicates a deep character flaw. Perhaps a permanent personality disorder. A dialed down sociopath but still the same.

No matter how much the OP loves her - he can't change her. That's entirely up to her. She will continue / repeat the act until she is ready to stop.

(Perhaps he has driven her to it. No1 really knows but them. Regardless - he's clearly not happy about it)

I think - consideration should be given to the welfare of the child = is it appropriate to raise a child as participant in a dysfunctional family which will negatively influence the child's understanding of marriage / relationships....? Is it healthy parenting to make the child witness to their chaos...?

I sense OP is more worried about the Child's welfare than his own. My answer to that = Love your child by loving yourself first.

Edited March 28, 2014 by Crashed~N2~Me

[Caryh 5,206]

Sorry, I am not a immigration lawyer

I was told I should do that when I got divorced. I might be wrong, but I think any petitioner is on the hook for a certain number of years.

Someone please correct me if I am wrong.

It specifically states, divorce does not release you from your obligation.

from page 8 of the I-864

Note that divorce does not terminate your obligation under this Form I-864

[novedsac 355]

The part in red - it's hard to know what her situation is or why she did it, and I don't think he's going to do himself any favors trying to figure that out other than by talking to a counselor.

I agree - trying to find an answer to 'why' could very well be a long and futile effort. I don't believe there is ANY justification for adultery - NONE. She's an adult, she should realize there are better ways of handling an issue with her spouse, dealing with an over zealous suitor, getting through sexual urges, etc, etc, etc.

A lengthy, illicit affair would be a hard stop for me - the sexual activity wouldn't bother me as much - but the pernicious lies, deceipt and manipulation would be the end of the line for me. She could save the 'why' for the Judge.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

I agree - trying to find an answer to 'why' could very well be a long and futile effort. I don't believe there is ANY justification for adultery - NONE. She's an adult, she should realize there are better ways of handling an issue with her spouse, dealing with an over zealous suitor, getting through sexual urges, etc, etc, etc.

A lengthy, illicit affair would be a hard stop for me - the sexual activity wouldn't bother me as much - but the pernicious lies, deceipt and manipulation would be the end of the line for me. She could save the 'why' for the Judge.

I believe that most of us are capable of having an affair under the right circumstances, although how we would deal with the aftermath or guilt would depend on our emotional maturity.

I'm not suggesting that this is true in this situation, but I know of at least 5 different Filipinas who originally came to the U.S. through marrying an older American man when they were younger, leaving him and finding a younger husband. And I wouldn't say with any certainty that these women committed fraud or even thought they would end up doing what they did. Most of them seem to be happy and committed to their newer, younger husbands.

When you grow up in a country and culture that doesn't accept divorce, you have a different idea about love and fidelity, IMO.

[Ebunoluwa 6,136]

The age difference is not the problem. Her character is the problem. What he did or didn't do is not the problem, her choice to cheat is the problem.

Six month of cheating and lying and sneaking around, brazenly posting a pic of her and her lover on Facebook for all to see and then

having the nerve to say she needs to think about it. Oh heck no !

The last thing I would do is sit around waiting for her 'little' mind to be made up of what the heck she wants.

She acts like she is a 17 years old queen bee and takes the OP for granted in a style of first class ghetto mockery.

OP's lack of action seems to empower her destructive entitlement even more, she is floating into the "I can do anything I want to and get away with it" realm of stupid !

At the very least she needs to get off the pot and file for a divorce instead of screwing around with this guy.

Culture my foot ! When divorce is not culturally acceptable you keep your legs closed and grow some integrity and be accountable for your choice

to marry or grow some balls and 'do you' by going against your culture rather than dragging your spouse through the damn mess with you.

Posting a profile pic on Facebook with your married lover for the world to see is also against cultural standards but she didn't care did she ?
She is a spoiled little self indulgent brat and needs a reality check.