My wife is having an affair after being married for 4 years

[kevinj 19]

A lot of relationship theory being tossed around here ... Unless there is information in other threads, we don't know much about the OP's situation and he hasn't been writing volumes, so perhaps we should all take a break from posting ...

People don't have 6-month affairs for no reason. Whatever the outcome, it's good to find out why (if she is willing to be open about it), and from there you can see what your options are. Nobody knows at this point that "she's a lost cause". Saying that "she's just a " is a very easy way out, and won't help the OP get his emotional affairs in order. Nobody is "just" something. And to all those "I'd never cheat"-people: again, statistics say > 50% of you ... Unless we are really in very exclusive company here on visajourney ... Very important question that hasn't been asked : does she still love you? Perhaps she will have an answer when she returns from her week of taking space ... Which was probably a very good idea of hers ...

Trying to understand the other party is important ... The girl does look young; maybe she rushed into something, maybe things turned out differently than she expected, maybe living abroad was overwhelming ... I have no idea, but I'd encourage people to hold her with some empathy as well, even while giving the OP support. As an older person loving a younger and less experienced person, there may be some room for understanding mistakes or learning that you experienced 15 years ago ...

I'm not asking these questions to figure out what to make the lawyer say, but to encourage connection that will ultimately lead to healing (either alone or together).

I have enough experience with messy relationships to understand that things really aren't as simple as some here are stating.

In service (I hope),

Kevin

[eca31 0]

Wrong, she can't take your property. Be sure to get a good lawyer if you ever divorce. File for divorce base on infedility and make sure you have a stable job and a house to show that you can take care of your kid for custody. Unless she is 50 years old and you and her has been married for 10 years or longer then she cannot take your property. Fight it, make sure you have proof of infedility. You can also withdraw your support for the affidavit base on infedility. I know a lot of people here said you can't do anything about her immigration but let the lawyer do their job.

[nufcfc 1]

Do you think she loved you when she was sleeping with someone else? Ditch her!

[Yanaris 4]

I first went through Visajourney about 9 years ago. Met and married the wrong woman. I caught her cheating, sending nude pictures of herself, and who knows what else. We also had a small child.

I gathered up evidence, photo's, documented everything, even talked to the guy. I put a nice file together and when I confronted her, she admitted everything. I wasn't head over hills with her, as she never seemed to want to do the right thing. She ended up joining the US Army and got stationed in Korea. To this day, she sends her child support and I have full custody.

You have to make the best out of a bad situation. Like everyone here is saying, do what's best for your child. That's who you should concentrate on now.

Good luck...

[Zach<3Katiuska 58]

I respect other people's advice but here is mine:

Seriously i think this lady never loved you, she just wanted the papers! after she got what she wanted she just tries to move on. My advice is that you should respect youself as a man, you are worth it all. What you need to do is love yourself a bit and even though it hurts inside and how much you truly care for her, you obviously need to fight for the custody of your own daughter. That doesn't mean you'll take her away from your wife it just means you have to stand up and face this whole situation because what's best for your daughter is you! You've done what you can to make your wife happy by doing the k1 visa and bringing her to the states prooving that you make enough to support her and yourself., you've stayed faithful to her, etc... the judge is going to evaluate all what you've done! Seriously have some pride! Don't become enemies for the sake of your daughter just file for a divorce because for the looks of it and not trying to judge your pic it just seems as if she wasn't nor will be serious with you!!!

[QueenComley 295]

I know of people who have had affairs when married which ended in divorce. I also know of people who had an affair when married and they stayed together, sought marriage therapy and it made their marriage stronger. Some people can forgive, some can not. Each relationship is unique.

There are a number of things that need to addressed here. Firstly, woman who have affairs are generally doing so because they are emotionally starved in their marriage. Could your wife be unhappy or unsatisfied at all? Has she ever complained to you about feeling either lonely, undervalued, unloved or unappreciated within the marriage? or is her betrayal a complete mystery to you and you feel on a whole, your marriage has been a fulfilling and happy one? Its time for some reflection here.

If she has been feeling this way and this is what drove her to an affair, the good news is, if you are forgiving and determined to make it work, you can with some guidance and therapy.

However, as some suggested, she could have been using you for a green card. But personally, after four years and a child, I don't think this is the case.

Or... she may just not be the faithful type and has genuine feelings for the person she has been having an affair with, hence her request to take time out to think.

I can not imagine what you must be feeling or thinking. No-one can tell you what you should do. But.... your wife has requested some time out for her to think. This is NOT all about her. I think the person who really needs to take time out and think is YOU. An affair does not automatically mean the marriage is dead and buried. You do not have to file for divorce straight away. Take your own time out and think about what you would like to do and if you feel there is a way you can work through this.

I wish you and your family all the luck in the world. Keep us posted on how you are doing.

God Bless.

Edited March 28, 2014 by QueenComley

[Me_Theo 25]

Sorry for hear that is going on in your life, first check the child is yours or no ?! by DNA not just for looks like you or your family.

If the child is not yours , you know what you want to do!

If the child is yours, you have 2 ways.

1- forgiveness and go to marriage therapy to save your marriage.

2- Divorce and take child from her anyway.

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if you choose number (1), that is ok. put you eyes on her till you can really trust her.

if you choose second way. send an email and a mail to USCIS ,explain her behavior and include with copy of her green card some pictures from his boyfriend ( married man!) and …. They will make problem for her US citizenship if someday she wants to apply for her Citizenship as a long term process time or put her file in black hole and make problem to find her file from black hole .

Don't believe some people write in VJ , USCIS will not make problem because she has a child and ....

The USCIS always are ready to find an excuse from some people files to send their file in black hole.

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You can do everything you like.

but if i was you. I will give to her a Big divorce.

Your heart loves what you made from her in your heart , But your heart words is not real she is.

Edited March 28, 2014 by Me_Theo

[kevinj 19]

Why do some people assume he wants her kicked out of the country? Even if he wants to divorce her, he may wish the best for her. Not to mention he may want his daughter to grow up with a mother.

[Me_Theo 25]

Just image how much your wife is damaging other woman's( with 4 kids) lifes .that is not small things, to wish the best for her and give your child to her, also she will make other without feeling mother ( your child) for future.

I bet she do not understand people feels and the other mothers feel, she cannot be good mom , when she cannot feel other mothers feels. i my eyes this kind woman is just selfish.

Edited March 28, 2014 by Me_Theo

[Ron&Wenwen 7]

I totally understand your pain and how you truly feel. Unless someone has really experienced this shock to the system, no one can truly feel you pain.

My first wife from China also cheated on me after 4 years of marriage. I was hurt, mad, angry and wanted to send her back to China, but really after

such a long time being here, there is nothing USCIS or immigration can do. I do highly recommend that you contact USCIS and figure out what you

need to do to remove the affidavit of support. From a visa or immigration point of view, this is your only course to cover yourself moving forward if you

decide to file for divorce.

On a personal note, everything you are feeling, the hurt and anger will go away sooner or later. Please focus on your child and her well being. You must

continue to be the loving father I suspect you are.

What got me through my ex-wife cheating was to find forgiveness in your heart for her. I know you love her and want to be with her, but in your mind you

will always wonder. Sometimes in life, it is better to let some things go.

I am truly sorry for your pain and heartbreak. I wish you the very best moving forward on whatever you decide to go.

Good Luck,

Ron

[kevinj 19]

I do highly recommend that you contact USCIS and figure out what you

need to do to remove the affidavit of support.

I don't think that's possible. Am I mistaken?

[Ron&Wenwen 7]

I don't think that's possible. Am I mistaken?

Sorry, I am not a immigration lawyer

I was told I should do that when I got divorced. I might be wrong, but I think any petitioner is on the hook for a certain number of years.

Someone please correct me if I am wrong.

[abella 13]

This is what you have to do, expose her at work. Possibly get both of them fired. Stop being a victim. Call her family in her country and let them know as well. She will go bizerk, but she will get over it. Expose, expose, expose. Affairs are more attractive when secret... File for divorce and kick her out. She is gaining control of you and the situation when asking for time and space to think about it. Filing for D does not mean you lose your W or family forever, but it is the only chance you have to reestablish some respect and regain control of the situation.

Be strong, like a rock and do not yield, only take her back if she's begging and pleading and you feel comfortable with taking her back. This goes the same if sexes were reversed. She is deep in the affair fog and until she wakes up, you can't do anything to persuade her. Check the term affair fog on google.

I know this might sound counter-intuitive, but trust me. If she sees you as weak it will be the end. She will continue to cheat and eventually leave you for good.

Keep us posted on how things go for you from a legal standpoint and an immigration standpoint with your situation. Sorry you are going through this!

Good that you post here so that we all aware of situations that can go wrong and how to deal with them.

[novedsac 355]

Why do some people assume he wants her kicked out of the country? Even if he wants to divorce her, he may wish the best for her. Not to mention he may want his daughter to grow up with a mother.

Yes.

Unless she's a physical danger to the child, a relationship between mother and child IS in the best interest of the child. ( Child and dad too! ) OP should keep this in mind if he's seeking custody of the child.

Also, don't forget, children grow up and start to question things and form their own opinions. I'd hate to have to explain to my kids why my diligent efforts resulted in their mom being kicked out of the country and they grew up without her in their lives in a normal type if way.

Edited March 28, 2014 by novedsac

[novedsac 355]

I don't think that's possible. Am I mistaken?

I've heard that an annulment based on fraud may remove the obligation. But I haven't seen a real example of it in practice. Also, annulment based on fraud may not be available in all States.