My wife is having an affair after being married for 4 years

[ManCharsey 254]

Hey Mr. Fellow Oregonian here (based in NE Portland). Sorry about your plight man. It's really messed up when you're in live with someone and they play you like that. From what you have stated though, it looks like your wife either doesn't care about the whole situation as she's rather being confrontational and asking you to give her space (as though you are the one who cheated) and that is a big hurdle. It's difficult working things out with someone who doesn't even think what they did was wrong and rather gets mad at you for figuring it out. At this point, this might sound harsh, but I would say file a divorce and move on. She might take half your property, keep custody of your baby etc..but trust me, being with her will break your heart and will kill you early and you deserve more than that. You are handsome and there are so many fine women out here in Oregon who will swarm over you. Unless she's really remorseful about this situation, it will be difficult for you guys to go past this because you will never trust her and trust is one of the very essential things in relationships. I know you still love her, but don't just follow your heart..follow your head too. Wish you the very best.

[blest.but.strest 50]

Damn that sux, I can most definitely relate to you, i've been cheated on myself. You should most definitely lawyer up but lets not jump to conclusions, it might not be the end of your marriage yet. Everyday, couples in North America go through the same thing you are going through and some of them are able to save their marriage. So I suggest you try talking to her, try to have more sessions with a counselor to pin point what the problem is and maybe find a remedy to the source of the problem. Don't give up on your family yet, there is still hope. Since she is confrontational, be careful in the manner in which you approach her and react to thing she says and does.

When you say she has her green card, does she have a 2 year conditional GC or a full 10 year GC?

Not to be judgemental, I see you are 48, how old is she?

Also you said that she admits cheating and tells you why, what are the reasons she told you, if you don't mind sharing.

Stay strong

[Ed and Gina 45]

Sorry to hear about your situation...

I agree with just about every post here...

You're on a precarious and parallel path...

on the one path, you have to protect yourself and your child

on the other, you're hopeful that your wife will come to her senses...and you're willing to work it out with her. That takes a lot of guts.

First, as others have suggested, do some soul-searching. People don't jump into on-going affairs at the drop of a dime...I suspect that something has been brewing for a while...Foremost - take action to protect yourself and your daughter, your assets and livelihood.

I'm going to guess that your wife is quite a bit younger than you...if so, she may be feeling cooped up and wants to spread her wings. Naturally, she should have done that before getting married. From what you say, she's behaving like a teenager wanting to get away from home...she wants to be "free."

Either way - while divorce/annulment is a difficult decision - at this point, it should be considered, along with any other measures/steps that can be taken to put your marriage back on track. But, if, as another has already said, she has emotionally detached from the relationship...you will have an uphill battle.

Whatever you do - DO NOT get into a confrontational situation with her - you might unwittingly find yourself holed up in a jail cell - no matter how bogus the charges. Then, you will lose EVERYTHING. So far, it sounds like you have your head it the right place. But, things can escalate - beware.

Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.

I certainly hope that things do work out. If either of you are practicing Catholics...you can find some help at your parish.

I wish you the very best of luck - God Bless.

Edited March 27, 2014 by Ed and Gina

[Sandra G. 5,047]

Good luck if you decided to stay with her, because you will need that for sure,once a cheater always a cheater.I would file for custody of the child as well.I have zero respect for cheaters.It seems she confessed because someone called you,otherwise she would keep cheating on you who knows for how long.

Edited March 27, 2014 by sandranj

[uscparent 4]

Let me guess...

Her family in the Philippines is poor, if not, average but definitely not well off.

She is much younger than you, she's young when you guys got married.

This guy she is cheating with is also a Filipino

Sorry about what you're going through. I hope you guys can work things out. Whether you decide to stay together or live separate lives, just do what is best for your child. In the long run she will realize what she did, and if there's nothing you can do about it now, don't worry because karma will catch up to her.

[Kolewenoik31 57]

We've been married since January 16th 2010.Visa Journey was a great help with my own processing of all the legal papers.We were blessed with a beautiful baby girl one year later.

My Daughter three years old now.My wife started working at the end of April 2013.I was so proud of her to have her first ever job.This past Saturday I receive a phone call from a unknown person stating the my wife was having a relation ship with her co-worker.And had been since November 2013.I had suspected something was going on since about then with her not coming home several nights after going out with her friends.Needless to say my life is turned upside down now.I'm posting here to see if anyone knows if there are any Immigration laws about an affair.This is a huge mess I'm in.I love my wife so much and I'm deeply hurting inside.I want my family back.My main concern here is to protect Daughters stability with me.Please advise me if possible.Thank you

Please pray and take it to Jesus! He is the only one that can give you the answers that you need. He understands and will work it all to His glory!

[rade2rising 205]

Get divorce and file custody for your daughter. Your wife is a lost cause though you may not see it right now.

[ali.cha 18]

That's what mean when you get married someone younger..... Young for young, guys that's nature, don't believe those who say who are into older men/women, that's a tricky way to achieve the goal

[Mckenziemick 2]

You need to determine whether this is something you can get past with your wife or not. Some can. Some cannot.

If you go for a divorce, you will be better served by putting your hurt/anger/etc on tha back burner and proceed with the legalities in a stable state of mind. If she admits to an affair which leads to the breakdown of the marriage, then you have a very good chance of not paying spousal support. Child custody and support are an entirely different matter. You need to think carefully about what is best for the child - not you or your wife - but the child, then proceed accordingly.

Yes you are right, this now is all about what's best for my child.I will do everything in my power to protect my little Princess,And yes she has admitted about her boyfriend.

[NikLR 13,227]

I agree about putting the child first. Imho it's always been the less drawn out and friendlier a divorce or separation is, the easier it is on kids. Considering your wife has left the home with the child in it, you may have a good case for primary custody.

[Ortolan 381]

When you don't know what to do, sometimes the best thing is to breathe and stay calm and do nothing for a while.

If you can keep your head straight, the right path will probably show itself to you soon enough. Just try to stay calm and document, document, document. Keep a journal.

Main thing is to ensure your little daughter's safety and not get overly angry. If you lose your temper with your wife, you'll have lost your battle.

[kevinj 19]

I'm sorry to hear about all your troubles.

First, is there any immediate house-on-fire emergency? Will anything terrible happen if you don't act for a few weeks?

If not (and that seems likely), take time. A rushed decision is likely to be a bad decision.

You probably need consolation, company, someone to talk to so you can clear your head. The person who can do that for you is not your wife, nor a stranger online. If you have friends, now is the time to cash in on all the "friendship karma" you earned each time you bought those guys drinks or listened to their stuff. Go take care of yourself. Have some you-time. Check in with your family for comfort if you like (although it may be better not to get them involved ...) If you can, don't make any kind of important decision UNTIL YOU'VE HAD TIME AND FEEL GROUNDED.

If you have some cash to spare, set up an appointment with a lawyer just to explore your options, just for you. I agree with everyone else that this is a regular divorce. The fact that she's an immigrant changes nothing. She will be able to stay and even naturalize, especially if you will be willing to testify on her behalf (that the marriage was undertaken for love) in the future. I speak from personal experience.

Seek other's advice (e.g. here) but don't let it go against what you know. E.g. some couples with age difference do just fine. E.g. some people have affairs, get back together, forgive each other, and do fine. (A majority of people cheat at some point in their lives. Fact.) E.g. people on visajourney sometimes say things that are not true (almost ruined my immigration case).

Don't confuse your daughter's wellbeing with your own. (Don't know if you do, but it's a common mistake.)

If you don't have friends to talk to, feel free to PM and ask for my phone number.

Kevin

[Naisha 5]

If she was there to talk about it, maybe. But he did talk about it with her, and her response was she'd think about counselling and left the home again, I'd guess at the bf's place. This is exactly the time he should quit worrying about the emotions of if and go forward to protect his butt. His wife has obviously checked out of the marriage emotionally or she would have been broken up about getting caught.

I agree with Caryh. If the wife wanted to talk about it, she wouldn't had asked for space because it was her who cheated on the first place.. :/ smh ... I always believe that cheating is not a mistake, it is a choice. She choose to break her marriage instead of approaching her husband with whatever problems they might be encountering. No relationship is perfect, but it can always work out with communication and trust. To the op, focus on yourself and your child at the meantime. Best of luck to you.

[novedsac 355]

Please pray and take it to Jesus! He is the only one that can give you the answers that you need. He understands and will work it all to His glory!

There ya go … pray and Jesus will sort it all out for you.

My ex spent more time talking to Jesus than she did her lawyer … she got the divorce she wanted, but that was about it. No support. No kids. No house. I'm betting her chat buddy didn't approve of her extramarital affairs and harsh treatment of the children.

[novedsac 355]

Get divorce and file custody for your daughter. Your wife is a lost cause though you may not see it right now.

After re-reading the OPs initial post, I kinda agree with this.

His wife carried on an affair for nearly six months and it only came to light because of a third party. This is a lot different than 'honey, i got drunk at the office party and wasn't really myself'. I'd have a very, very difficult time reconciling deceit over that length of time. I'd also have a very difficult time believing she could make rationale decisions that didn't always put herself first … as a mother, she will need the capacity to put her kid(s) first. She should have considered your feelings/situation first. Having a problem with your spouse / falling out of love is one thing … happens all the time … quite natural, actually … but there is a correct way of handling things and then there is the stupid, selfish way of handling things.

Find a good friend to cry to, about, etc. … you don't want to pay your attorney for counseling sessions because they will listen to everything you have to say and then charge you a lot more for their time.

Good luck.