How deal with parents who talk guilt?

[Nkybaby 0]

She needs to stand up to them NOW. You're having issues with their treatment of her already, and you aren't witnessing it first hand. My family has a bully as well(that's what your future father-in-law is), and my SO was shocked at his behavior on his last visit. It will be harder when you're actually physically there watching it happen, and believe you me, it will cause major tension between the 2 of you. Better for her to stand up now than wait for your arrival..if she waits it'll be 'Your just doing this because of HIM.' Voila, you are the bad guy, a crown you may be willing to wear for her benefit, but which could cause issues in the long run.

Sorry to hear about your other half's parents...Indeed it would be appropiate for her to discuss these concerns with her patents firmly. The sooner the better...actually as advice she should make an effort to talk to them before the 2 of you actually get married...because if she waits until later....after you get married...because they will say that is the reason...due to the fact they would like to overlook the real issue at hand...

Take care and remain blessed...It will all work out...

OH AND THINGEE....I NOTICE YOUR QUICK APPROVAL SO FAR ON YOUR TIME LINE...

OUR JOURNEY!!!

JUNE-2006 Introduced thru a family member via phone

AUG- 2006 Went to the UK to visit for 4 days, ENDED UP STAYING FOR 8 DAYS!!!

**TALK ON THE PHONE EVERYDAY...FEELINGS ARE STRONG

OCT- 2006 Went to UK for visit/4 days

**PROPOSED

11-27-06 I-129F mailed to Vermont

11-29-06 Receipt of NOA1 (received in mail on Dec 4)

12-08-06 Touched

JAN-2007 Will be going soon to UK for visit/1 week

[davejenni 0]

I am so sorry to hear that you are going through such a turmoil.

I am sure that a lot of what you are going through is to do with not knowing what you are going to be faced with. You are leaving the security of your family and home and going to a country that your 'soon-to-be' wife wanted to get away from!!! Of course you are going to feel like this!!

But...you BOTH want to be together, and marriage is about helping each other through the good AND the bad. A good marriage is also based on truth and honesty, so you have to tell her how you are feeling in a way that is not going to leave her with even more guilty feelings.

The one good thing about 'long distance relationships' is that you learn how to talk!!! Even if it's about nothing!!! There has to be some compromise on this...it is not fair for her to let her father dominate your marriage but it is also not fair for you to expect her to completely shut him out. Talk to her!!

You said this...

monday she was about to leave to book the reception place, but he forbid her of going. he changed his mind tuesday after his wife talked to the father.

If this is the case, then his wife obviously knows that he is being unreasonable, and you may have an ally in her. She obviously has some influence on him.

The worst thing you can do is to alienate yourself from her family as that will isolate you in a country you do not know and it will make her feel like she is in the middle and being pulled both ways.

Ideally you need to talk to her father also, to reassure him that you will take care of his daughter. Like some of the posts have said before, he is probably over protective which has been made much worse due to his injury (and the cause of it).

Anyway, I hope you sort this out between the two of you and I wish you the very best in doing so. I also hope you have the most wonderful wedding, regardless of family!!!

Take care, and remember..."You can't change the past, but you can ruin the present by worrying about the future"!!!

Edited January 5, 2007 by davejenni

[SoL. 0]

Alexander,

I am hispanic and I know how hard it can get sometimes because we can be "over protective" with our children and we have real strong family ties. But one thing is protecting our kids and trying to help them and another thing is being unreasonable. Her family is just being unreasonable. I may sound mean, but they are being selfish with your fiancee by not letting her be independent and depending on her so much financialy and emotionally...

I believe that she is the only one who can change the situation and break this cycle. She is allowing them to do what they do because they made her feel guilty.

She needs to disconnect from their dependence, but how? Talking seriously with her parents and by not feeling guilty, because she deserves to have a life on her own, to get married, start her own family and be happy. And there is no reason to feel guilty by wishing that. I think that you two need to have a talk about this and spend some time alone so you can sort things out.

I really wish for you two to solve this and to be together, my best wishes for you .

edi

[Alexander De Ridder 0]

Alexander,

I am hispanic and I know how hard it can get sometimes because we can be "over protective" with our children and we have real strong family ties. But one thing is protecting our kids and trying to help them and another thing is being unreasonable. Her family is just being unreasonable. I may sound mean, but they are being selfish with your fiancee by not letting her be independent and depending on her so much financialy and emotionally...

I believe that she is the only one who can change the situation and break this cycle. She is allowing them to do what they do because they made her feel guilty.

She needs to disconnect from their dependence, but how? Talking seriously with her parents and by not feeling guilty, because she deserves to have a life on her own, to get married, start her own family and be happy. And there is no reason to feel guilty by wishing that. I think that you two need to have a talk about this and spend some time alone so you can sort things out.

I really wish for you two to solve this and to be together, my best wishes for you .

edi

Clara yesterday went to the reception place and booked it!

She got home at 8pm and it was already dark so she got in trouble for that and her dads first response was that she was not allowed to go out anymore or see that girl-friend that she went with. This is a typical example ...

She told me over the phone before getting home and I told her she did nothing wrong and its her dads fault that he didnt let her go on monday. She said you want me to tell him that its his fault and make him even more mad? I said .. no .. just take his anger with dignity knowing that you are right and he's wrong. And your soon to be husband thinks you did nothing wrong. (I was on the phone with them for about 3 hours ... man they were bad at taking driving directions LOL)

Around midnight she called me back and said her dad was mad but it wasnt as bad as she thought it could be. I said are you excited about the reception? And she said yes, very much.

We are having our reception just outside houston in Rosenberg in a colonial house. www.havenonthebrazos.com.

Our 200-man reception will cost 5000 dollars, thats with catering, photography and dj included. Clara always was looking for something different, so her wedding would not be like everyone else that she knows, and she thought it was really pretty, so I'm glad I can make this dream come true for her!

[Ladylethal 12]

She's a 22 year old working girl and she can't get home after dark and still feels guilty about it? She needs professional help to deal with her family, really. A therapist to tell her she's NOT wrong, that she doesn't have to feel guilty. And her dad needs a therapist as well, he's coming off like the king of jerks to me right now.

[Navidad81 0]

(im 25 and never married before, and clara is my first love)

You may know lines like these:

since you are leaving you dont care for your family that you leave behind.

your grandma may not live much longer

tried crying, beiing unreasonable, overly worried, and yes at times even excited in my place

Parents are undergoing a lot of emotions when their child leaves home,

especially if its that far ... I am moving from Belgium to Houston and leave behind

a great country and family (incl uncles, aunts, cousins ..) thats really good to me.

But what Clara is experiencing tops all that .......

as some of you may know her dad had a tragic accident where he got shot by a thief and

ends up not beiing able to walk. Her family is hispanic.

last week her dad told clara: i am dieing here and you are leaving me behind like that?

for the record: he's not dieing.......

then this week he called her at 3am and said you are still my little girl. (she's 22) in my eyes

you are still 17 or 18. I want you to wait 4 more years to get married. Its too soon.

He says what about your sister she didnt finish college yet. And you are throwing your dreams away.

Then he sent her off saying: If i call you back for help .. dont bother comming .. I have to get used

to it you wont be there anymore.

monday she was about to leave to book the reception place, but he forbid her of going. he changed

his mind tuesday after his wife talked to the father.

He had a independant shoe repair before the accident, for years. He had a house but sold it and put the money

on the bank but doesnt want to use it because he dreams of building a ranch, didn't get insurance for him and his family.

He got consequences of that now ...

Its not like they can not survive without Clara. They just RELY on her because its easy to.

They ask her to pay for some of their bills because she's working. But like last week her dad wanted

the most expensive fajitas from the most expensive store, and wanted Clara to pay for it. Clara is saving to pay for her

wedding. She can not save because they constantly ask her to help pay for everything.

They still have their business, but her sister, mom often decide to close 'early' ... results in losing customers ... and lower

income.

Her mom didnt insure her car yesterday she got stopped by the police. Who's gonna pay this bill?

She was eventually allowed to visit me in Belgium, on one condition: the dad wanted the mom to go with her.

Clara had to pay for her ticket, and her moms.

Guess who bought her wedding dress? Not her parents. Mine.

Her dad says you dont need a wedding reception: just get a paper and sign it that you are married.

The perfect solution for no commitments on helping.

Before his accident he was already controlling : his wife cant go to the grocery store without him, he yelled at his kids if they

were 2 minutes late from doing an errand for him and made up silly strict rules however he felt.

You are not going to the movies .. and then 2 minutes before it starts he gives them permission to go.

He was a difficult personality and Clara and him had conflicts in the past because of that, but his accident changed all that.

Now he is vulnerable, sitting at home all day with his injury, and nothing else on his mind but to worry 24-7.

Her sister just turned 18 and still doesnt drive. Her mom is afraid to drive in the dark. So they can not miss clara, unless her sister

would learn to drive. But ... her sister needs new glasses. Oh wait ... until 18 government pays for your glasses. But ... she

just turned 18 ..... who's gonna pay this bill?

He is putting Clara down. She feels shelfish and it takes her joy away.

Its hard for me ... we are about to get married in april, her parents are to my cultural standards plain irresponsable and

too reliant on her. Children are not supposed to 'support' parents when they are in their fourties, especially not when they still got

land property and money and a business. They dont help they just make it hard for Clara to save anything.

On top of that they talk guilt into her.

Last year (before the accident) she just wanted to get away from it as soon as she could, and now she feels selfish of leaving them.

It hurts me because I love her, and I dont want to see her hurt. I asked if she is sure she wants to marry me, and she says yes every time.

But she keeps brining up the subject of guilt, and I just feel terrible.

I'm also afraid they will try to control my life when we are married. Clara wants to live close to her work and thats only 20 minutes away

from her parents. That means they can call her to do groceries 24-7, and I think she would do it. Will I leave my parents and country to start my own life,

only to replace them by a even more controlling alternative? Will I hurt my wife by trying to prevent that? Her parents are, and can in the future,

make it very difficult for me to be a good husband for my wife.

She has the right to her own life ... just like her dad left everyone in his family in peru when he was young and headed off to usa to pursue his own

monetary dreams.

How do I deal with this?

freaky parents. my fiance's family is hispanic but has not been that way towards me...they were at first but i think they realized what they had to do...not offense to any hispanics out there, but at least with my fiance's family, i have learned that they can be very selfish, manipulative people. this is her life. the child leaves the parents to become one with her spouse. i believe they are jealous too...i've found that to be the nature of my fiance's family and many other people from his church in peru. it's been a struggle but once i get him here, i don't care!