Conflict between the families - When/where to get married?

[Éclair 0]

I need some 3rd party perspective on my situation. Here it goes:

So my girlfriend and I are engaged and we originally wanted to do a K1 Visa.

She just graduated and passed her board exam. She is 22 going to be 23. I'm from the US, 24 years old turning 25. Currently self employed, but looking for a steady paying job to be safe because of the K1 Fiance poverty line.

Ideally we were going to start the process within the next month or two, and shoot for getting married in the Summer of next year because she wants to get some job experience before coming over to the US.

But we have issues coming from her side of the family in the Philippines.

So as of now, her family is extremely adamant about us getting married in the Philippines. No if's, and's, or but's.

They want us to get married there because they want their entire family to participate in her wedding, especially her grandma on the mothers side.

So thats perfectly understandable. But the problem with that is if we get married in the Philippines then we will have to do a spouse visa. If we do a spouse visa we can't even start the process till we're married.

On top of that, they're saying we can't get married till next year. Which is fine, its what we wanted originally, IF WE WERE ON THE K1 VISA because in the mean time things would be processing and we would still be together by sometime in 2015. But the fact that they want us to get married in the Philippines ruins the whole idea.

So if we got married next year in the Philippines, the visa wouldn't start till next year as well, thus we won't even be together for an additional year since the spouse visa takes about a year to process on average. And that sucks, the whole idea for us is to be together ASAP...

SIDE NOTE, I haven't met the mom yet. She works in Dubai and hasn't been able to go home for the past 4 years due to a travel ban because of debt. But supposedly she can now return home yet still hasn't for reasons that I'm not sure of.

But my parents and I are actually going to the Philippines this May to have sort of a pamanhikan (basically just meet the family and talk about our plans nothing too intense)

So the mom is more negatively bias towards me because we never actually met. We talked a couple times on skype. She was nice and seemed to like me from what my fiancee said. But she's still worried that I will make my fiancee my maid and beat her some day.

I'm Chinese American and I guess Chinese have bad reps for making people maids? (I'm guessing she's thinking about the chinese from Hong Kong) And being American I guess they're scared I'll beat her? Plenty of her relatives all have this stereotype judgement on me as well. But they're still nice to me in person.

Luckily her immediately family - Dad, brother, 2 sisters all like me and know I won't do those things. But from my observation, it seems like the Mom holds the power in the decision making. So yes the dad likes me, but if the mom says one thing then he'll follow. I'm sure he'll stand up for me to a point, but not sure how far he'll go.

SOOOO my ultimate plan is to have the mother come back home in May so we can meet and she can meet my parents as well! Then make a better judgement of us. Also it'll be easier to discuss the plans of getting married. Its really hard to discuss things over crappy Skype connections. My fiancee says another concern from her mom is that she wants her daughter to enjoy her single life more and be stable in her job and then settle down. But for my fiancee, since were so far from each other she feels single already and just wants to be with me. And I feel the same as well. We just want to be together! But its like they don't even try to listen or understand us at all. They think were just doing this on a whim. So I'm hoping in May we can somehow work something out.

Our main goal is to be together in 2015, either it be spouse visa or fiance visa. 2015 is our goal.

So I thought of two options. Let me know what you guys think or if you have something alternative.

Option 1

Stick with the K1 Visa. Takes about 6-8 months to process. Once her K1 is received, she will have 6 months to use that visa. So sometime during those six months when she's ready to leave, my family and I will go to the Philippines. Once we are there, we will hold some sort of "Unofficial" Wedding ceremony. After that, when my family and I head back home to the states, she can return home with us and get married officially in The US.

So that would be cool because we didn't have to get married beforehand and spend a year apart as a married couple, we get to be together in 2015, and her family got to be at her wedding as well!

But here is a problem: The family is catholic, if we did any wedding ceremony there they would want it to be at a catholic church with a priest. So my question is: Do catholic churches hold unofficial wedding ceremonies? Because if they don't, then we can't even do this option at all. My fiancee said her dad would want it at this church in Batangas. So if thats the case then option 1 would be a no go.... Also doing this might be sketchy...if the immigration found out we had done a mock wedding ceremony then maybe that could affect our K1.

Option 2

When my family and I go in May to visit. My fiancee and I can get a civil marriage and just be married on paper in legal terms. So when I return home after the trip, I start the spouse visa process lets say in June. Thus if all goes well, and it takes about a year to process the visa, my family and I can return in June 2015 and have the marriage ceremony in the Philippines, then when we leave she can come home with us.

My problem with this option is: we'll be legally married but separated during our first year of marriage. Thats not exactly ideal. Also I know people say that the CR1 visa just takes longer in general. So who knows if I'll return in June 2015. The CR1 just seems more scary in terms of length versus the K1. Also I'm not even sure if they'd be down to have us get a civil marriage in May. I think apart of me knows that they just don't want her to leave so soon.

Sorry for the long post, kudos to anyone who read all of it.

Have any thoughts, comments, or tips?

Thank you!

[dilmera 124]

Go with option 2. Though spousal visa takes an year to process on average, it will have its benefits; your spouse will be able to get green card right away and start working as soon as she gets to The US. With a fiance visa, she will have to wait 2 years to get green card.

Edited March 10, 2014 by dilmera

[Éclair 0]

Go with option 2. Though spousal visa takes an year to process on average, it will have its benefits; your spouse will be able to get green card right away and start working as soon as she gets to The US. With a fiance visa, she will have to wait 2 years to get green card.

Hmmm yea perhaps. The whole green card thing right away is definitely a nice thing to have. And I read CR1 visa is cheaper in the end. Im just scared of how long it'll actually take to process. I know this site says 9 months average but it seems like most people that I've read from say a year tops. Some even say 1.5 years depending if theres an issue. So that would be pretty crazy if it was that long.

I was researching the forums and I found some responses on having unofficial wedding ceremonies. Some people say its fine and others say its risky. They say just don't sign anything and you should be good. But I don't know how strict catholic churches are about that in the Philippines, if they even perform unofficial ceremonies.

[Éclair 0]

Hmmm yea perhaps. The whole green card thing right away is definitely a nice thing to have. And I read CR1 visa is cheaper in the end. Im just scared of how long it'll actually take to process. I know this site says 9 months average but it seems like most people that I've read from say a year tops. Some even say 1.5 years depending if theres an issue. So that would be pretty crazy if it was that long.

I was researching the forums and I found some responses on having unofficial wedding ceremonies. Some people say its fine and others say its risky. They say just don't sign anything and you should be good. But I don't know how strict catholic churches are about that in the Philippines, if they even perform unofficial ceremonies.

Ok well I've found a lot more responses to this type of question... and it seems like my only option is option 2. Unless the parents somehow change their minds randomly about needing us to get married there. But yea, option one is just way too risky. The only thing I can think of is the parents let us do K1 and then after she gets her green card in two years, return and do a ceremony there lol. But I highly doubt they'd like that....

Option 2 isn't horrible, if we can be together in 2015 we'd be happy.

[Natsukiii 35]

Go with Option 2. Respect the parents wishes. Family means everything in Filipino culture. Your girlfriend will be leaving everything to be with you including her family. The least you can do is have the wedding in the Philippines. The wedding doesn't even have to be extravagant.

A lot of Americans attempt to do Option 1 but it never happens due to a lack of money. I'm part of a Fil-Am group on Facebook and see Pinay's complain about this all the time. So if you go with Option 1 be sure it happens and be sure to set a date of when it will happen.

Good luck with whatever option you choose!

- Justin

[sara..... 371]

Kinda been thru what your going thru........

K-1 if it is denied for any reason you cant fight

Marriage visa you have a lot more options if something goes wrong at embassy stage and its cheaper............

we married in January of this year in Egypt for his family to be able to be there...........my brother and mom also attended gave the in-laws a chance to meet and also gave the in-laws the chance to see what kind of women i am and the family values we have by them seeing my brother and mom interact with them in private and in public.

we will have another wedding when he comes to the USA for family and friends that could not attend the Egypt wedding

after being burned years ago on k-1 for someone else i totally believe that marriage visa is worth the extra few months that it takes........plus by giving into the womens parents request you are showing a lot of respect for her family and that is always a plus

just my opinion

sara

[novedsac 355]

Go with option 2. Though spousal visa takes an year to process on average, it will have its benefits; your spouse will be able to get green card right away and start working as soon as she gets to The US. With a fiance visa, she will have to wait 2 years to get green card.

Huh?

File AOS and EAD/AP at the same time ... fiance can be working and/or travel abroad within a few months after marriage; conditional green card within 4-9 months and then file removal of conditions as you approach the two year point.

Option 1 is much faster, providing you have the funds and the family is okay with you two returning after the 'paper marriage' in the USA and having the full church wedding in PI.

Your fiance should speak to her priest beforehand though ... some Catholic priests will only marry a couple if they are both Catholic; some will perform a church marriaged while already legally married whilst some will not.

[looneytunes 1]

Go for option 2, i am cr1 visa and it took us 6 months only. We filed dec21,2012 got noa2 feb 1, got the cr1 visa july 12, 2013, it would be more earlier if my husband paid the aos and iv bill on time. So goodluck.

[Hank_ 9,174]

Go with option 2. Though spousal visa takes an year to process on average, it will have its benefits; your spouse will be able to get green card right away and start working as soon as she gets to The US. With a fiance visa, she will have to wait 2 years to get green card.

2 years for a green card? It doesn't take a year for USCIS to issue a green card, except in rare cases (my wife got hers in 4 months after AOS). Second, one does not need a green card to work (so even if it took a year for the green card they could being working in a few months after arrival), if they apply for EAD (I-765) when they file AOS they can have that card in 2-4 months (wife got hers in two months).

Edited March 10, 2014 by Hank_

[christeen 966]

I say option 2 ... The first one is risky and can really mess up your timeline... Option 2 demonstrates you married her but are respect g the family wishes for a large official ceremony... And it keep her there a little bit longer which it seems is part of what they want... In the meantime, after the civil marriage, she will be there to plan the whole big shebang with her family... Good luck

[Greenbaum 12,259]

Option 2 is your best bet. It gives her a chance to not be rushed, family has time with her and IR-1/CR-1 is not a bad option as in the past it was quicker (still can be done 6-8 months) and less expensive but not now. Remember, because of her age she will require their blessing and written permission to leave the Philippines so you need to play "nice".

Believe me when I say she will be worth the wait. Anyone here who has married a Filipino would do it all over again and still endure jumping through all the hoops. It took us four years for her to get to the US; with all the complicated matters we needed to address we took each day and each problem one at a time and always supported the other during our process.

[pete_falcone 7]

I'd go with option 2, except try to set up the wedding day well in advance for it (1 year in our case.) There could be a cultural thing you may not be aware of that could be in play in your situation. Traditional Filipino Catholics tend to want the church wedding outright and thus view civil marriages as sacrilege. That's probably why they don't want you to do the K-1. At the same time, there is a lot of preparation and pre-cana involved in getting a Catholic wedding done (6 to 12 months). So if you want to go to the K-3 route as quickly as possible, get a wedding date planned out and register it.

The closest thing to a quick church wedding is called a Convalidation ceremony, but such a ceremony requires you to have been civilly married and most traditional Filipinos still frown upon this.

Personally, we did a K-1; civil marriage in the US, then the traditional wedding back in the Phils. We burned some bridges in her family, but we could afford to do that because we're old and we had blessings from key people, including the archbishop who approved and officiated our wedding.

[BJZags 17]

The insistence on a Catholic wedding in my mind totally kills option #1, in my mind. Any whisper of a so-called "mock" wedding will potentially invalidate a K-1 visa. In my case, we went with option #1, but only held an "engagement celebration" at a local resort where both our families came together and bonded. It worked for us, but her family isn't religious, appreciating the gesture of the celebration dinner while also understanding the implications of time with the K-1 route. Good luck with whatever you decide.

[Éclair 0]

Thanks everyone for sharing your opinions. They have been very helpful and insightful.

In the end, we'll have to decide as a couple what will be best for us financially, economically, and do whats more practical for our circumstances. I know parents all have their visions of what their kids wedding will be like but at the end of the day it is about us a new couple starting are new lives together. So I pray that they will understand this and respect what decision we decide.

[Messybrownhair 251]

Option 2. Civil wedding with a nice reception for the whole family then church wedding in the future! We did k1 because my family went to the US and we had our big wedding here