newest member in marriage delemma

[awifeandamother 0]

Hello everyone, I am a new member here I have visited the site many time prior to my registration though. I signed up to be a member here thinking I could talk and seek for inputs without getting my family harassed. I have a very unusal delemma, and I hope everyone can clear things up or maybe share their thoughts. I've been in the state for 6 years, I started to work in a retail with a minimum wage, (not full-time job) so I decided to go to school while working. Recently I become a mother to our little man, an adorable son that makes me happy. My problem that I have been carrying is about my husband, I am happy,but I don't know why can't I feel secure and loved! Between my work, school and my family, I don't have as much time like before. My husband helps baby sitting when I am working and when I am at school. He is really a nice person, but there is something in our marriage that I don't have. It is the security. I don't feel like my husband trusted me at all. For example; when it comes to financial, he keeps everything, I'd be lucky if I'll receive 300 from him in a year!!! and when I received cash like that it goes to groceries and everything we need. He keeps his money, we don't have any form of shared ownership nor accounts. He paid bills, I do groceries most of the time. Before I came over here he made it clear to me that I'll be working if I want to sent money to the Philippines which is I am really happy to do it, as I don't want him to do that in behalf of me. He is not responsible to help my family back there. When it comes to properties he have them all in his name. Which is to me is perfectly fine, he worked hard for them, he have them before we got married I want him to keep it that way. But recently after my son born my mother in-law talked to me, everytime I dropped and picked our kid at her house she always carried him to the car. Till she said my husband car that I am using is too small for the baby, she told me she would help me buy a car, she said she will give me $20,000 and help me pay the monthly remaining till it gets paid in full. I was the happiest to have someone offered such help,I told my husband about it and he thinks it was a great idea. I found what I wanted and what I really like. Then the day the we supposed to get it my husband said"I can go get the car, you don't need to go because I know you are busy." When he says like this I knew he don't want me to go, this has been a usual dialogue when he don't want me to go, he will just say "I know you have stuff to do" to make it look like he is concern or whatever, it pisses me off tears came down my face, because I know the next scenery is always the same. So he got the car, showed it to me, and as I expected its ON HIS NAME. I understand that he had loan for the remaining amount, but could he atleast asked me if he should atleast put me at the bottom of the tittle?I would be happy to tell him" that's ok, hon you can put that on your name, atleast it will make me feel like my opinion is needed. It is not that It should be in both names, but it is the fact that my husband is clearly showing that he is not trusting me. The fact that I don't feel security from our marriage and I don't feel his trust have been bothering me for a while. Everytime I go to my mother in-law she asked me why didn't I drive "my new car"or how do you like your new car" I just say, ah it's at home.I work so hard, paid insurance for me and my kid as we don't have any, I work to save money for his future, I opened him a savings acount tied to my acounts so he will have some money. I purchased stock twice a month for him, I tried to be a good mother. Not to mention we have 3 more cars that the two I was the one who puts the down payment when we purchased both, I drive one and he drives the other, BOTH are on his name. I will be honest here, I love him, soooo much that I am so willing to sacrifice my own feelings to make him happy! But what should I do, I don't feel like I am treated the way I should be treated. I feel like I'm all alone, and with all the responsibilities I feel like I have no support from my husband, I don't feel like I am secured as his wife. You know the feelings that "you are married on paper" not on your soul. Also he is not really affectionate, most of the time it is me who do things first who showed it first. After long day taking care of our kid then go to school and go to work I am exhaausted. But I tried to be sweet to him many times I tried to cuddle and spend time with him, but he always refuses me, many times when I tried to out my head on his shoulder just to lay in bed together he'll say"honey I will be tossing and turning"means don't lay too close. It hurts me, I feel I am being rejected, but what can I say?what should I do? I don't know.. I feel like I've done everything I could. SORRY GUYS I'm venting too much. I apologize. I am calling all the couples that are willing to share their thoughts, please advice me, at this point I am not seeking any divorce or separation, I love him, I just don't know what to do to keep this marriage together. He thinks everything he did is alright to me. I don't want to open this conversation up to him because I've done this a few times already, and it always hurt me. Thanks everyone.

[brian and aileen 14]

I am so sorry to hear your story.. it's opposite as compare to our situation. Everything we got its all both on our names, even all of his 3 major credit cards I am authorized to use it. Our paychecks goes on the same account and I do manage in paying all the bills and buying groceries and sending money for my family in the philippines . He don't care about the money he don't even take a look of how much is on there, but never did I take advantage of it, I know he trust me so I make sure I reported to him where the money goes. I am so proud cause it's rare to find a man like that, so I can feel how sad you are. I even have the access on his 401k. He authorized me to changed the beneficiaries (its his mother before) and put my name and our son on it. I don't manipulate him it's all about how you communicate. If you want your marriage to be successful and happy, you need to tell him what you feel. In marriage there should not be secret or hiding stuff to one another. Let him know what you feel specially you have son. If he consider you as a wife then he should tell you about everything. My husband is a shy type of person that he dont talk unless I started the conversation, I learned that if I don't ask or say anything then I will be on one side and wondering of what is happening and I dont wanna be left in the dark, so I talked to him, I told him what I want, I want to know what happen to his work, his plans , etc... so from then he started talking to me , when he gets home he told me about his friends at work , about his job, everything, and when his down I motivate him. You know its part of a couple thing.. and mind you I do the flirting before but not now cause I got mad and told him, "hey, I am your wife if I do the first move always lets just divorce" lol, just wanna make you smile, but seriously its effective to me, so I cant advice you to do it. The only problem arise when there's occasion and he wanna buy me something, cause I got mad when he buy me expensive things, my reason is I don't wanna have it knowing my family don't have the kind of life I have here. I feel guilty about having things and my family in the philippines don't even have a waching machine so they will not wash it with their hands (true! )..sorry I talked too much.. just wanna share a story about my life here in the america. Everyone of us here in visajourney has its own story to tell , it's sharing time.... May God bless you and your family. My advice... let him know what you truly feels...

Goodluck...

Edited March 7, 2014 by brian and aileen

[meagan 3]

You need to sit down to gather and have a serious talk about everything. Let him know how it makes you fill. Or go see a marriage counselor. Maybe it would be easier to talk that way. But if you keep letting it go then it will only eat at you more and get worse. You need to talk to each other talk about things that bother you to make a marriage work.

[QueenComley 295]

I was once previously married to the most tight fisted man I know. We had separate bank accounts (because he refused to have a joint account), and when I lost a management position and was only able to find a minimum paid job I was still made to pay half of all rent and bills even though he made x4 the amount I did.

Doing the grocery shopping was always an embarrassment to me. Because we did not have joint finances we would pay half and half each to the cashier. Who does that? Stand in the grocery store in front of the cahier and other customers with your HUSBAND pulling $40 out of your purse for groceries, with your husband standing next to you also pulling $40 out of his wallet to pay the $80 grocery bill? Humiliating.

Needless to say I divorced him after 5 years. Luckily for me 4 years after the divorce I met my soul mate. Once I had received my EAD and SS# he added me to his bank account and credit card and our finances are joint. But prior to my AOS being successful my husband provided me with a home, food, clothes, women's "things" (LOL), and an abundance of love.

It seems your Mother-in-law is a lovely lady. Could you confide in her about how you are feeling? Perhaps she could give your husband a nudge in the right direction on how to treat a woman, because what he is doing to you is called "control". Marriage therapy may also help. Is this something you think he would consider?

[awifeandamother 0]

I am so sorry to hear your story.. it's opposite as compare to our situation. Everything we got its all both on our names, even all of his 3 major credit cards I am authorized to use it. Our paychecks goes on the same account and I do manage in paying all the bills and buying groceries and sending money for my family in the philippines . He don't care about the money he don't even take a look of how much is on there, but never did I take advantage of it, I know he trust me so I make sure I reported to him where the money goes. I am so proud cause it's rare to find a man like that, so I can feel how sad you are. I even have the access on his 401k. He authorized me to changed the beneficiaries (its his mother before) and put my name and our son on it. I don't manipulate him it's all about how you communicate. If you want your marriage to be successful and happy, you need to tell him what you feel. In marriage there should not be secret or hiding stuff to one another. Let him know what you feel specially you have son. If he consider you as a wife then he should tell you about everything. My husband is a shy type of person that he dont talk unless I started the conversation, I learned that if I don't ask or say anything then I will be on one side and wondering of what is happening and I dont wanna be left in the dark, so I talked to him, I told him what I want, I want to know what happen to his work, his plans , etc... so from then he started talking to me , when he gets home he told me about his friends at work , about his job, everything, and when his down I motivate him. You know its part of a couple thing.. and mind you I do the flirting before but not now cause I got mad and told him, "hey, I am your wife if I do the first move always lets just divorce" lol, just wanna make you smile, but seriously its effective to me, so I cant advice you to do it. The only problem arise when there's occasion and he wanna buy me something, cause I got mad when he buy me expensive things, my reason is I don't wanna have it knowing my family don't have the kind of life I have here. I feel guilty about having things and my family in the philippines don't even have a waching machine so they will not wash it with their hands (true! )..sorry I talked too much.. just wanna share a story about my life here in the america. Everyone of us here in visajourney has its own story to tell , it's sharing time.... May God bless you and your family. My advice... let him know what you truly feels...

Goodluck...

[awifeandamother 0]

Thanks Bryan and Aileen, that's really nice your husband trusted you like that, I am happy for you!atleast someone is being treated the way she should be treated. Most of my friends doesn't work, but they have more financial freedom than me that works so hard. I am always broke!

[awifeandamother 0]

I was once previously married to the most tight fisted man I know. We had separate bank accounts (because he refused to have a joint account), and when I lost a management position and was only able to find a minimum paid job I was still made to pay half of all rent and bills even though he made x4 the amount I did.

Doing the grocery shopping was always an embarrassment to me. Because we did not have joint finances we would pay half and half each to the cashier. Who does that? Stand in the grocery store in front of the cahier and other customers with your HUSBAND pulling $40 out of your purse for groceries, with your husband standing next to you also pulling $40 out of his wallet to pay the $80 grocery bill? Humiliating.

Needless to say I divorced him after 5 years. Luckily for me 4 years after the divorce I met my soul mate. Once I had received my EAD and SS# he added me to his bank account and credit card and our finances are joint. But prior to my AOS being successful my husband provided me with a home, food, clothes, women's "things" (LOL), and an abundance of love.

It seems your Mother-in-law is a lovely lady. Could you confide in her about how you are feeling? Perhaps she could give your husband a nudge in the right direction on how to treat a woman, because what he is doing to you is called "control". Marriage therapy may also help. Is this something you think he would consider?

Wow that must be really tough! Well in our case we barely go grocery shopping together because I work too close to the grocery store almost everynight after work I buy what we needed. My husband used to make a lot of money,"before the economy collapse"now he is self employed, sometimes he makes $ 5,000 a month, but he paid all the bills, sometimes he maked a lot less because of the economy, sometimes I make $300 a month especially when I am at school, but it has deduction every two weeks for my insurance and my baby, and a $100 a month to purchase a stock through my job. There's times I have only $27 left after all the deduction!! it is depressing!! But, when my husband complain how slow is the business and being grumpy at all times I feel like I can't open up to him, because I don't want him to be more stressed, so I pretty much swallow my dilemma by myself.

I am glad you are now happier with your second marriage. Thanks for sharing, it makes me feel better knowing I don't experience such unusual tings alone. There will be no way he will talk to a marriage counselor, I talked to him how I feel already before, he said" To him he don't see a difference, because even if it is all in his name after all we are married and if he dies everything he owns goes to my ownership. But you know what honestly it isn't my point, it's not about sharing the ownership of his property, to me it is about the huge trust that's missing in this marriage. The last time I spoke to him about this dilemma, I told him"I don't want to him to share his ownership with his property that was purchased before our marriage. He can have all that, but I think the property that was purchased after our marriage he should atleast communicate with me about those. I feel like my feelings is not matter to him. He knew how I feel, and I don't want to keep telling how I feel in this particular matter because if he cares he would have atleast do something about it... I think my mother in-law was the best mother in-law ever, this wasn't the first time she gave me stuff, before I got pregnant she gave me an old car, she said I can sell it and have the money to buy stuff, or save the money. But ofcourse I told hubby about it and he sold it to his friend for $4,000+. When he sold that car I didn't see or touch a dime. Which to me is ok, thinking he has more right to it as he is the son. He use some of that to pay the baby stuff. and he said he paid bills too. Well, I don't know he likes to run everything, and it makes me feel like I'm a USELESS wife.

[awifeandamother 0]

You need to sit down to gather and have a serious talk about everything. Let him know how it makes you fill. Or go see a marriage counselor. Maybe it would be easier to talk that way. But if you keep letting it go then it will only eat at you more and get worse. You need to talk to each other talk about things that bother you to make a marriage work.

Thanks, I did talked to him about this several times, there were times I broke down, because It hurts the most thinking my husband seems never trusted me when it comes to this matter. I don't get any response, that makes the situation any better.

[QueenComley 295]

Wow that must be really tough! Well in our case we barely go grocery shopping together because I work too close to the grocery store almost everynight after work I buy what we needed. My husband used to make a lot of money,"before the economy collapse"now he is self employed, sometimes he makes $ 5,000 a month, but he paid all the bills, sometimes he maked a lot less because of the economy, sometimes I make $300 a month especially when I am at school, but it has deduction every two weeks for my insurance and my baby, and a $100 a month to purchase a stock through my job. There's times I have only $27 left after all the deduction!! it is depressing!! But, when my husband complain how slow is the business and being grumpy at all times I feel like I can't open up to him, because I don't want him to be more stressed, so I pretty much swallow my dilemma by myself.

I am glad you are now happier with your second marriage. Thanks for sharing, it makes me feel better knowing I don't experience such unusual tings alone. There will be no way he will talk to a marriage counselor, I talked to him how I feel already before, he said" To him he don't see a difference, because even if it is all in his name after all we are married and if he dies everything he owns goes to my ownership. But you know what honestly it isn't my point, it's not about sharing the ownership of his property, to me it is about the huge trust that's missing in this marriage. The last time I spoke to him about this dilemma, I told him"I don't want to him to share his ownership with his property that was purchased before our marriage. He can have all that, but I think the property that was purchased after our marriage he should atleast communicate with me about those. I feel like my feelings is not matter to him. He knew how I feel, and I don't want to keep telling how I feel in this particular matter because if he cares he would have atleast do something about it... I think my mother in-law was the best mother in-law ever, this wasn't the first time she gave me stuff, before I got pregnant she gave me an old car, she said I can sell it and have the money to buy stuff, or save the money. But ofcourse I told hubby about it and he sold it to his friend for $4,000+. When he sold that car I didn't see or touch a dime. Which to me is ok, thinking he has more right to it as he is the son. He use some of that to pay the baby stuff. and he said he paid bills too. Well, I don't know he likes to run everything, and it makes me feel like I'm a USELESS wife.

Was your husband in a previous marriage or relationship where he was taken advantage of financially by a woman? It may explain why he is so unwilling to share with you. My husband was previously married before me and had a terrible experience with joint finances with his wife and the decisions she made behind his back with their money. My husband lost his home and had to file bankruptcy. It still hurts him emotionally years down the line, Im surprised he was wiling to jointly share his income and finances with me now he has re-built his credit and his life back up. But I do know of other people that have been screwed over by previous partners and will NOT share monies or finances with them.

P.s Your not a useless wife. You sound like a wonderful mother and devoted wife to me x

[awifeandamother 0]

Was your husband in a previous marriage or relationship where he was taken advantage of financially by a woman? It may explain why he is so unwilling to share with you. My husband was previously married before me and had a terrible experience with joint finances with his wife and the decisions she made behind his back with their money. My husband lost his home and had to file bankruptcy. It still hurts him emotionally years down the line, Im surprised he was wiling to jointly share his income and finances with me now he has re-built his credit and his life back up. But I do know of other people that have been screwed over by previous partners and will NOT share monies or finances with them.

P.s Your not a useless wife. You sound like a wonderful mother and devoted wife to me xw

Thanks. My husband wasn't married previously, but it looks like that's just how he really is. I remember I sent him an email after I broke down and had an argument about this matter before,we barely argue ever since, maybe because I always take his flaws, I always accept even he hurts my feelings already. I sent him an email saying"it was all stupid and nonsense argument,because I know it's the fact that can't be changed. I want him to keep what he has to himself all that he has before our marriage. Now, that i barely make money and survive for my daily needs and the house needs, I won't be able to help as much as I want to. But, I told him that after graduating and getting my degree, I want it to be change, I want us to purchase a house together, buy properties together and put that in both our names not just to ones name. I told him"I hope you are willing to do that for our us. I want to be one of the contributor and it should be both of us will prepare for our babies future. I guess there's really some guys like that, not just him. I so admire the guys who respect and include their wife in their plans, you know those guys that take cares of their wife, the man that always includes their wives in all decision and need their wifes input. Sad.... but he is my man and the man I married, I guess I need to work hard with my patience, and accept it the way it is and learn not to get hurt. The martyr type maybe!!!sigh. God always blessed the people who knows how to be kind to others that's probably why your second husband able to get back up his life after the stormy first marriage.

[TBoneTX 46,068]

Is this something that you can live with and accept, without compromising your principles?

Do you consider this to be a "flaw" that can be corrected?

Would you want to live as a "martyr" (your term) for the rest of your married life? (Why?)

Would you want your children to grow up in an atmosphere like this? (Why?)

If you have your 10-year green card, you're free to seek a relationship that you consider to be healthier -- both for you personally and in terms of marital interaction.

---

Edit: Have you read this thread in a nearby forum?

http://www.visajourney.com/forums/topic/481487-how-much-money-your-husband-gives-you-per-month/

Edited March 9, 2014 by TBoneTX

[awifeandamother 0]

Is this something that you can live with and accept, without compromising your principles?

Do you consider this to be a "flaw" that can be corrected?

Would you want to live as a "martyr" (your term) for the rest of your married life? (Why?)

Would you want your children to grow up in an atmosphere like this? (Why?)

If you have your 10-year green card, you're free to seek a relationship that you consider to be healthier -- both for you personally and in terms of marital interaction.

---

Edit: Have you read this thread in a nearby forum?

http://www.visajourney.com/forums/topic/481487-how-much-money-your-husband-gives-you-per-month/

Well, they said, when you are married you are married, you can't just back out easily and stop because your significant other has some issue. I love him, and this may sound stupid,but I really am not thinking a life without him, he is the man I married, so I think I have to accept and pray that everything gets better for our family. Yes I have a a 10 years greencard for awhile, and I am trying to save money to get my naturalization,and hopefully I can do that before 2016, so I can vote. When I got married I told myself, this will be for life, that I'd work out anything to make this work. My husband is really good in everything other than this dilemma I specified above. So that's why I consider this just a flaw,and hoping it will changed. He is aware that I want this changed when I get my degree and have a better job, so we will see what will happend, if he is going to do this change or not. thanks for the response, I haven't read this post, but I'll read it not. thanks!

[Merrytooth 5,748]

Well, they said, when you are married you are married, you can't just back out easily and stop because your significant other has some issue. I love him, and this may sound stupid,but I really am not thinking a life without him, he is the man I married, so I think I have to accept and pray that everything gets better for our family. Yes I have a a 10 years greencard for awhile, and I am trying to save money to get my naturalization,and hopefully I can do that before 2016, so I can vote. When I got married I told myself, this will be for life, that I'd work out anything to make this work. My husband is really good in everything other than this dilemma I specified above. So that's why I consider this just a flaw,and hoping it will changed. He is aware that I want this changed when I get my degree and have a better job, so we will see what will happend, if he is going to do this change or not. thanks for the response, I haven't read this post, but I'll read it not. thanks!

You are a rare breed, a breath of fresh air here, compare to the other horrible stories in the subforums.

Hope everything will work out well for you eventually.

[awifeandamother 0]

You are a rare breed, a breath of fresh air here, compare to the other horrible stories in the subforums.

Hope everything will work out well for you eventually.

Thanks merrytooth.