Need Help--Feel Like My Marriage is Already Crumbling

[Miss M 54]

Dude, there isn't a whole lot more I can add to tis conversation that hasn't already been mentioned.

I really just wanted you to know that you're not alone - that's why VJ exists. My husband travels for his job - 4-6wks abroad at a time, and 3-4wks at home. It's hard, and we have kids. I have no support structure here so sometimes I feel despondent and angry and resentful and depressed and sad and lonely and yes, even suicidal...... (you get the picture???)

But like someone before me said, I have learned to define this as our 'normal' - as terrible as I sometimes feel. I don't allow myself to dwell on the sadness and emptiness I feel when my husband is gone, and instead I keep myself going by focusing on the positives aspects of our marriage, and I remind myself constantly why I chose him (or he chose me, whatever! )

It's very, very easy to drown in the unhappiness - don't let that happen.

I know our circumstances are completely different but I just wanted to offer a word of encouragement as someone who sometimes feels completely defeated by my marital circumstances. If you really love your wife, and you want to spend the rest of your life with her at any cost, then please find a way to cope and to make this work. Definitely invest in professional help - whatever it takes.

Do some soul searching too so that you can hopefully work on figuring out what exactly you need to do - hold on, or walk away.

[Kaylara 814]

I don't know if this is a passing thing for you or not, Dude. I've regretted making the decision to move back here. I've apologized to everyone involved more than once. I don't know how I would have dealt with it if we'd been apart in the beginning of our marriage. At this point, knowing that you're probably dealing with clinical depression, I would not cancel the process. You're not in a good frame of mind to be making massive life-altering changes. Stay the course for now, please, get some help, from someone, and then reassess your thoughts on the situation. Depression can wreak havoc on your thought processes. But I wouldn't make any decisions until I knew I was in a better mental and emotional state.

Oh, and btw, I don't think that a Christian marrying a Muslim is that big of a difference or a big deal, unless you make it one. It might just be a cultural thing? I don't know. From my outsider perspective, it's the same God, just a different form of worshiping Him. As long as you can both refrain from claiming your way is the only right way, I really don't see why it should be a bone of contention.

[MsZeen 3]

I know many people that feel the same way, which I can understand. As a human, you want to be physically active with your partner, or be able to see them. My suggestion is to go back and visit her, and spend time. If you still feel the same, let go. If you change, than it is just the seperation that is killing you. If you love her, I think you want to be with her.

[Cathi 5,784]

I don't know if this is a passing thing for you or not, Dude. I've regretted making the decision to move back here. I've apologized to everyone involved more than once. I don't know how I would have dealt with it if we'd been apart in the beginning of our marriage. At this point, knowing that you're probably dealing with clinical depression, I would not cancel the process. You're not in a good frame of mind to be making massive life-altering changes. Stay the course for now, please, get some help, from someone, and then reassess your thoughts on the situation. Depression can wreak havoc on your thought processes. But I wouldn't make any decisions until I knew I was in a better mental and emotional state.

Oh, and btw, I don't think that a Christian marrying a Muslim is that big of a difference or a big deal, unless you make it one. It might just be a cultural thing? I don't know. From my outsider perspective, it's the same God, just a different form of worshiping Him. As long as you can both refrain from claiming your way is the only right way, I really don't see why it should be a bone of contention.

In Islam women are not allowed to marry anyone other than a Muslim male. Muslim males can marry Christians Jews and Muslim women. That is why he said he lied about converting to Islam as her parents never would have agreed to the marriage, and COs know it is not culturally accepted for a Muslim woman to marry outside her faith. But that is neither here nor there right now, he needs professional help before even worrying about that aspect.

Dude I agree with Kaylara's point that you should not make any life altering decisions until you get your depression under control. You will be able to deal with the perceived problems in your marriage once you can get your thoughts figured out and get some clarity with the help of a professional.

[Gjhdlab31 10]

Well let me say this, I've read a lot of your posts and comments....it was obvious there were or should I say still is a lot of anger. By reading this post I am going to say that I am concern about you saying you are no longer suicidal. Most times once a person who contemplates suicide starts to say they are no longer suicidal without professional help....we have to keep a close eye on that individual. We may read your post and empathize with you, but we really have no clue what you are going through. You got married out of pity, not love and now reality is kicking in. You were lonely from the beginning and while you were in India you met someone that took that loneliness away. Now the waiting for your wife to get here is bringing that lonely feeling back and therefore it's making you severely depress. You started your marriage with a lie, when you lied to her parents....you shouldn't have. Why would you want to be a part of a family that will not accept you for you? Not to be harsh but you have to think about you and your feelings. I am pretty sure your wife may be stronger than you think. She will be hurt, but she will definitely get over it and you will feel a lot lighter.

Let me tell you a little story about me....I was with a man for 12 yrs that I thought was my soulmate. We now have a child together and he also has a child with another woman, who conceived during our relationship. I loved that man with everything I had. We got engaged in 2005 and I had to call the wedding off because of lies. In 2006 during my pregnancy I decided enough was enough and I moved bk to NYC to be closer to my family. This man helped me to move and did nothing to stop me from leaving. I was hurt and I cried everytime I was alone. The other woman moved in with him even though he and I continued our relationship long distance. We made arrangement for me to move bk with him after I had our son. When I asked about the other lady he said she was leaving because he lived me and wanted only me. I later found out that he was feeding me lies and he was getting married. Now that was the killer for me. I bawled like a baby and all I wanted was to go to sleep and never wake up. I thought about driving my car off the road into some deep water. One night when I stood by the window and I looked to the sky and I called out to God and asked why me and suddenly I heard a quiet voice said to me "I'm giving you what you asked for". I stopped crying and I started laughing and I laid in bed and hugged my son and said no more. I told myself that other than my little prince no one is more important than me. Two years later I met a man that saw me while I was on vacation and his first words to me were "wow.....you are going to be my wife". I laughed. We sat for hours that night and talked. When it was time for me to come back to the US....I told him I cannot do a long distance relationship. We talked on and off for a few years and everytime I would go back to Jamaica we would spend time together, but I still did not want to make the commitment. We lost contact for a year and I went to Jamaica and we bumped into each other and before we knew it our relationship was going stronger than before. I decided to make the sacrifice and to try this long distance relationship. I am now married to a man that I never thought I would be married to and everyday we are apart, our love for each other gets stronger. I submitted his i130 in Nov 2013 and like you the wait is excruciating. I try to go and see him as often as possible....even though it's costly, but I believe it's worth it. The moral of my long story (LOL) is we sometimes lose ourselves in other people that we allow our true love to pass us by. I almost lost a man that truly loves me because I was caught up in someone that was not right for me. Find someone that you can talk to and cry and find yor way back to your Christian faith and call upon God and if you believe strongly in him.....he will guide you. I do hope that you will be okay. Peace and Love.

[Ebunoluwa 6,136]

How do you do it? That's one thing that I did not mention. I am SCARED TO DEATH of a long AP. Every day I live with the terror, and I have lived with it for the last 3 years. I have nightmares about it. It's so frightening. It's meant to fight "terrorism", but it is terrorism!

It is very hard I admit that but I simply refused to let it intimidate me to the point of feeling so freaked out, though I had my moments.

AP was 16 months in a black hole of the unknown, an abyss I wish on no one.

I would have gladly accepted the end result being an approval but alas it was a refusal and a return.

That made it so hard that I had to take a break from re filing for a few month because I was mentally and emotionally exhausted.

We continued to nurture and focus on our relationship like we always have and when I felt strong enough I started

gathering all the supporting evidence again and filled out the forms.

I realize that AP can happen again but somehow you settle yourself along the way and look forward with positive energy.

When I make up my mind, I mean really make up my mind on something nothing can steer me away from my goal.

I am a Christian and my faith in God's timing has made me able to hang in there.

I live my life, though we feel frozen in time sometimes, I do what I can to stay positive, do yoga, walk, pursue my interests and try to

not succumb to simply existing but really enjoy the present time and live a life of gratitude, encouraging others and taking my eyes off

my own problems.

I am thankful for what I have and am blessed with. It comes down to a deliberate choice of how I want my attitude to flow.

Every day it is about making that choice and it has become easier the more I do it.

When dark thoughts try to creep in I quickly and calmly replace them with positive affirmations. Mind over matter. It works !

Don't struggle....just be. Be happy.

This process has a way of taking you out of your comfort zone and you grow and dig deep like you haven't before until you

too will come to know that you can do this.

One day at a time......

Edited February 13, 2014 by Ebunoluwa

[pepper44 18]

Everyone has given you great advice. I would like to add that most of us on here know what you are going through. We are all going through it or have at some point or another. (being apart from our other half that is).

I have doubts about my fiancee as well but I think it is because he is some where else and has never been to america. I have a lot of battles to go through but love is what is helping me through it.

What you have to do is talk to someone, seek help or guidance. Also find a way to talk to your wife. She is your wife and you made a commitment to talk to her about these sort of things. If not then maybe you should not be married.

Yes you love her as do a lot of people love someone but that does not mean they are meant to be together or will be happy together.

I was in love with someone and he loved me just as much but we were like oil and water. Sometimes it is not meant to be.

If you are having these sort of doubts to this extreme you need to share it with her. She will end up hating you if you bring her here and then decide to leave her. She will have no one.

You should start by telling her you are not going to convert to her religion then go from there. Take baby steps in the conversations.

Best of luck

[iamlianne 0]

I know this is gonna be hard, but i will advice you tot ell your wife about how you feel, dont just keep that to your self and wait for it to snap one day.. Tell her truthfully how you feel, it will hurt her, but isnt it better to hurt her with the truth or make her happy with a lie? You said you still love her, why not try to make an appointment for a marriage counselling. But, me as a woman, iam asking you to pleas,dont cheat on her while you guys still married.. Man up, do the right thing..

I know this is gonna be hard, but i will advice you tot ell your wife about how you feel, dont just keep that to your self and wait for it to snap one day.. Tell her truthfully how you feel, it will hurt her, but isnt it better to hurt her with the truth or make her happy with a lie? You said you still love her, why not try to make an appointment for a marriage counselling. But, me as a woman, iam asking you to pleas,dont cheat on her while you guys still married.. Man up, do the right thing..

[Ryan&Joanna 44]

I'm so sorry you feel this way. It must be a terrible place to be in. I know many of us here on VJ look up to you and your strength in fighting to make this process shorter and more bearable for us all. And we truly appreciate all your effort. Perhaps all that work is taking a toll on you and you're burnt out. Three years apart is a lot. I'm not much of an advice giver, but I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and many people feel like throwing in the towel at many times. The frustrations get to us all. I will be praying that God help you figure out the best thing to do in this situation. God bless you. *Big virtual hug to you*

[janelance143 13]

So a little back story on us. I met my wife back in 2011 when I was studying Urdu with the US State Department in Lucknow, India. She is a Muslim and I am a Christian, this created immediate problems. Long story short I lied to her parents about converting to Islam in 2012 and we get engaged. Before I had been a very religious Catholic, but now I am just kind of "lukewarm"-- I still believe in Christianity but I find it difficult to practice in my life. I returned to the US after my engagement in India in 2012. I had wanted to file the I-129f for her then but at the time K-1 visas were taking over a year to get to the embassy and we were scared of AP at the embassy because my wife has a common Muslim last name. We decided to get married instead. I started looking for a job because I was a penniless college grad (I had studied Arabic in college and let me tell you that's not nearly as lucrative as it sounds), working at a restaurant and living with my parents. I eventually found an IT job that would take me in the greater DC area despite my lack of experience. I got hired there in 2013 and saved up enough to go back to India for 2 months (we had originally intended only 1 but getting our civil court marriage proved terribly difficult to do in a timely manner) in August and September of 2013 for the marriage. I returned in October of 2013 and filed my I-130 for my wife in November.

We're now at the 5 month mark since NOA1 and more than 7 months into our "marriage." Just two weeks ago I was seriously contemplating suicide. I am better now but honestly I am tired. After the suicidal thoughts passed things changed. If anyone is familiar with my posts here I have been a relentless critic of the government and more than a bit radical on the issue of our immigration. I feel like I have fought so hard and I do not want to fight anymore.I wake up some days and I don't know what I am doing. I was so in love with my wife, but I feel that things have changed inside of me. She still loves me more than anything, but I am starting to doubt myself. I often think that I made a mistake. Everyone in my family told me not to do this. I feel so lonely. I guess I have cried myself out, I no longer cry a lot anymore, but I am so hungry for physical contact with another person. My (immediate, nuclear) family is really touchy-feely but my extended family here in the DMV are not.

What I am afraid of the most is that the main thing stopping me from asking for a divorce is the devastating effect it would have on my wife. She has no idea I feel this way. How can she? Our relationship consists of 1-2 hours skype conversations 2-3 times a week and gmail chats the rest of the days. I feel so terrible. One second I think that it's her fault (I start thinking that she used pity to keep me with her when I tried to leave before we were married), then next I think it's mine and that I am a terrible person. One second I determine to leave her, the next minute I decide that's impossible. I meet women I am attracted to here and a I rue the day I chose to marry her. Then I feel like a real piece of sh!t. I fantasize often about what my life would be like if I had met a girl in this country for whom I did not have to lie. My wife is a good person and I do love her, the thought of any harm coming to her does make me want to cry. Divorce is a shame in India and if I leave her it truly will be a huge shame, everyone warned her this would happen. But is that enough to stay in a marriage? I see all these other VJ'ers who are so dedicated to their LDR spouses. They must be more in love, or better people than I am. I used to be like that. What has happened to me?

I am almost sure that the reason why you feel this way is all because of the distance and the looooong wait.

The lying part may be a huge issue but it can still be resolved as soon as the waiting part is over. Together, as husband and wife, you will find a way, what made me say that? I just know. It's all part of marraige, helping each other whenever the other feels broken. So I'm sure it will soon be okay.

I would say, that the most difficult and challenging part is the looooooong wait and the distance. Believe us (VJ members) when we say that WE ALL went or are going through that part of our lives all because of this long processing. I'm sure you already know that. So always remind yourself, you are NOT alone.

Suicidal? Depression? Loneliness? Oh believe me I've been in that state of mind too (just like those who already shared their thoughts in this thread).

But everytime I think of drowning myself, or cutting my wrist, or jumping off the bridge, I always end up changing my mind because I can already imagine how painful it would be LOL.

Ahhhhhh, LIFE is beautiful. I have always kept this mentality that, if everything's not going well today, tomorrow is another day to hope and live for.

It's NOT easy. But its NOT impossible too!

Look around on what you already have, and thank GOD for them! It's easy to let blessings go by unnoticed if you're not looking.

One more thing, let your wife know what you feel. She's your other half, she's a part of you, she has the right to know. She loves you, you love her, ALLOW love to keep both of you stronger, determined, excited, and happy.

Stay blessed!

[InHisTime 110]

Hello OP,

I hope you feel so much better now after reading some inspiring and good advices here at VJ.

I do agree, you need to talk it out. Find time to consult a therapist or spiritual adviser. They could help you ease on how you feel being depressed and confused.

I suggest you need to sort it out first what is on your mind, what you really want; and most you need to be open and honest to your wife about how you feel. No matter how hard and long it is..... communication is the key.

Stop being afraid of what could go wrong, instead start being positive of what could go right. Have a positive outlook in life. Over thinking kills your happiness. Have more FAITH in God and try to live life one day at a time.

Lastly, always be grateful to God in all circumtances, thus helping you feel better and ultimately overcome depression. God bless you and your wife.

[Hotter Otter 1,211]

You've had a lot of good advice here so far. I really feel for you as I can't imagine how bad a separation for as long as three years would be. Your feelings do not make you a bad person, they make you someone who is struggling to cope with an unnatural situation. You come across on here as a decent person who is being torn apart by events outside your control.

Please visit a professional as everyone else has said.

I've been feeling really miserable over the last couple of months (not to the extent that you are at all but still pretty low) and the following steps have helped already.

- You've admitted that you are in a black hole and shared it with others. That's a good start. Get a pen and begin to write (or a keyboard if you are not as old fashioned as me). It might sound stupid but writing about how you feel can really help. I've just started a blog (public) and a journal (private) about the immigration process and the pains of being apart with a life in limbo. It feels really good getting those thoughts out of your head and you have a record for future reference about what causes peaks and troughs in your level of happiness. Try it, it won't cost you anything.

- Talk to your wife, she loves you and maybe if you let her know how you feel she'll be your rock. Ether way, she deserves to know the torment her husband is going through.

- Do you have any friends who have struggled through depression? Speak to them about how they got through it and how they deal with it now. Empathy is best served by someone who cares about you and who has experienced it themselves. A good friend will listen and keep checking up on you to make sure that you are ok.

Thinking of you Dude and really hoping that you can get help and restore your life to an even keel.

[sandraperry 34]

Hi Dude, I am the beneficiary in this process and me and my husband have been where you are right now, and take it from someone that has been there/done that: truly get some professional help plus be honest with your spouse too.

Believe, it is the best, we came out stronger from all this waiting/stress, thanks to us being honest with each other and always speaking about our feelings and what was going on (I also was treated by professionals for my clinical depression).

I know that there is a cultural thing stopping you from being honest, but it will far worse if the "lie" keeps and she arrives on the states and think how miserable she will be, no friends nothing to support her.

You need to be Honest, with yourself and with her.

[angeldaemon13 42]

Don't think you are alone and fighting for nothing. Reach out if you need it. Send me a message if you need to vent, we are in this together, as a community. Hold your head high Dude. This situation brings moments of weakness in all of us. *hugs*

[tbthree86 34]

Awwww, dude....I feel for you. Do you feel better today?