Need Help--Feel Like My Marriage is Already Crumbling

[N-o-l-a 7,168]

I was actually in a similar place, albeit not suicidal, last year around this time. So, I want to tell you that other people have been there and feel it too. Part of it is that you have no control over this process and that is producing stress and that stress and helplessness is leading to depression. Another part of it is that you are newly married and have other stress on you.

The feelings about your marriage are also normal for a newlywed especially when the people are from two different cultures, it is also probably amplified by your depression and stress as it can spill over into other parts of your life.

Find someone to talk to, unload here, but definitely don't let yourself sink further down this hole.

It does get better, I can't tell you the enormous weight off of my shoulders the second we stepped foot on American soil and cleared immigration. Since then, those feelings of depression have not returned (despite people on this forum telling me that they would).

My advice - is to talk to a trusted friend or family member or therapist and get busy! Make yourself so busy with hobbies, working out, etc. that you have no time to dwell on it anymore. It will help, trust me.

[Ebunoluwa 6,136]

Do you think you will be a stable and positive influence for your wife when she will leave her family and everything else for you or will

you leave her after she arrives ?

I agree with seeing a professional therapist, you will gain clarity by talking about it and processing this difficult journey emotionally.

Having been separated for 4 years from my fiance, long AP, returned petition, starting over, I understand some of your concerns

but I have to say at the end of the day I know that however long it will take we will hang in there and it will be all worth it.

Fill your day with meaningful activities and don't over analyse everything.
Make another trip to see her to refresh your connection within each other's company, that may help to cement your resolve to

endure this instead of focusing on a somehow faded bond that the separation may have caused.

I wish you the best.

[thedude6752000 360]

Do you think you will be a stable and positive influence for your wife when she will leave her family and everything else for you or will

you leave her after she arrives ?

I agree with seeing a professional therapist, you will gain clarity by talking about it and processing this difficult journey emotionally.

Having been separated for 4 years from my fiance, long AP, returned petition, starting over, I understand some of your concerns

but I have to say at the end of the day I know that however long it will take we will hang in there and it will be all worth it.

Fill your day with meaningful activities and don't over analyse everything.

Make another trip to see her to refresh your connection within each other's company, that may help to cement your resolve to

endure this instead of focusing on a somehow faded bond that the separation may have caused.

I wish you the best.

How do you do it? That's one thing that I did not mention. I am SCARED TO DEATH of a long AP. Every day I live with the terror, and I have lived with it for the last 3 years. I have nightmares about it. It's so frightening. It's meant to fight "terrorism", but it is terrorism!

[NikLR 13,232]

You really need to find a therapist. I promise talking to a pro will help you immensely. This process is hard and you have so much do deal with on top of it too (with the religion differences etc.) A professional will help you in a way your wife may not and may even be able to help you find ways to talk to your wife about your feelings so that you don't feel like you're going to hurt her. But she does have a right to know how you are feeling and try to be able to help you too. I turn to my husband to help me feel better about things when it just gets too much.

You may feel better even by finding someway to express yourself spiritually as well, even if that way isn't through active religion practice. For instance my mother is a minister for religious sciences . (No not scientology.) Basically it's taking spirituality and knowing how it affects your brain. You use positive thoughts and affirmations to gain a positive way of thinking and feeling, and they call it Science of Mind.

Maybe see if there is one in your area you can go to. Everyone is welcome. http://csl.org/

It's funny we used to call it the "happy huggy people cult." But I cannot deny my mother is a happier person since she first started going.

[Nodir 10]

Easy dude. happens. She believed in you and now you want a divorce. I would understand that if she cheated on you or something similar, but if she is loyal to you then you have to get off from VJ and take a ticket and go visit her for sometimes. Maybe for two or three months. Have some trust in yourself. Real men dont just get divorced because of this process. My advice dont give up on your family.

[Thane 8]

Honestly, I would seek out help for your medical issues first before making such a big decision about divorce. Try to talk to your wife a bit more on Skype, maybe that will help with your depression, it should definitely help you with your feelings of regret.

[christeen 966]

I do believe that a professional consultation might be a good "pressure valve" where you can talk with someone objectively who might give you some useful coping skills.

Also, Maybe a reassessment of what your consider "normal" relationship will help put things in a different hopefully more positive light. Everyone has their own "normal" and just cause others judge your relationship as different, does not make it any less normal... Some couples deal with routine seperation throughout their marriage because of work or family (my hubby is a seaman which required many months away) or live in different cities or live in the same house but not see each other a few hours a week with work schedules, religious differences, work nights, kids or no kids etc... Point is, it is your life and you determine how you make it work... Don't dream of what might never be a cookie cutter "normal" life... Embrace what you have.

Also, yes, the system is messed up, but Don't deflect internal and personal,issues to put all the blame on an outside party as the root of your issues (the Govt) the anger only deflects from you facing and dealing with the issues in a manner you can solve.

Perhaps also a face to face visit is in order. Get some face time to talk and see what the connection is. After so long it gets harder and harder to really remember the feel if each others arms and the connection you have.

I feel for you in your difficult moments and hope that you can see your way out of this... If it be together or apart, don't hide from facing things, it will make you stronger as a couple or wiser if you choose to go it alone.

[angeldaemon13 42]

Dude: This process is not easy. I get where you are coming from. You love her, you want to do right by her. You want to be with her as much as you want here with you. Love hurts and building a relationship or maintaining it hurts and for us, we are not normal couples. We sacrifice and sacrifice in ways most don't understand. You feel bad for the wait which is beyond your control, wondering if the wait just isn't fair, when you love her so much if it isn't wasting your time, and or hers.

She married you, she loves you, and for what you are feeling, I bet she feels the same. You do need to be honest, not protect her from how you feel because communication is the foundation to any relationship. The waiting sucks but as mentioned before me, you have a drive, to fight the fight and get the message out regarding the backlog. I understand you don't want a divorce but to you, the waiting feels like an injustice and is causing the weight you are carrying because the process sucks and you want good things for your wife.

You and her have come this far, don't give up. Not on her, not on yourself. I do agree, find a counsellor. They do help. Talk to her, see how she feels. Allow her in, not in pieces and not in selective parts.let her know how you feel and work as a couple. Don't make a choice on her behalf, it isn't fair.

Hang tight, we are all in this together, our situations may be different but we all want the same thing.

[offline 4]

How do you do it? That's one thing that I did not mention. I am SCARED TO DEATH of a long AP. Every day I live with the terror, and I have lived with it for the last 3 years. I have nightmares about it. It's so frightening. It's meant to fight "terrorism", but it is terrorism!

Hmm, I didn't go through every single post but I was wondering if she does go into AP (worst case scenario), could you move to India and teach English or something and stay with her during AP?

Edited February 13, 2014 by Caroluiz

[JnRMo 16]

Ask for therapists on the Washington DC Subreddit of Reddit - I believe the question was just asked a few months ago. Could track that down or post asking for recommendations. Otherwise, check out Yelp possibly.

[raven52 233]

Avery Cates, is exactly right!

I would add, IF.,. you have the slightest doubt about, bringing her to the USA, then I would say, "do not" as bringing someone to the USA, in a marriage, of vastly different faiths, would surely end in more devastation than would occur if you stopped it now, with what you describe.

Professional help would surely, bring these answers to the front!

If """I""" was thinking your thoughts, I would have way too many doubts, to bring a lady of a Muslim faith to the US, with the way you describe your relegion, but again this is MY THOUGHTS, not yours.

To me, at some point, it either.,..,IS.,.,..,or IS NOT!!!

[Jawaree 718]

K...hmmm I see room for lots of abuse without therapy. Now I understand

[Kaylara 814]

It's not the amount of time you get to talk to her, it's the quality of your conversations. You're, unfortunately, settling into married life, and then with your wife so far away. I know that a lot of people go through these same kinds of thoughts in the first year or so after getting married, and it's extremely difficult when you are not physically together. I agree with everyone who said that you need to go see a professional, and that you need to tell your wife what's been going on with you.

I can only tell you what worked for my husband and I. But your mileage may vary. Some people think it's awful, but we tell each other everything. We also take time to decompress every day with each other. That's about 20-30 minutes out of every day either on the phone or in person, where we just and complain and tell each other everything that pissed us off for the day. After that's off our chests, we move on and can just enjoy the rest of the time, because we've gotten the problems out of the way. If we've had limited contact for a few days, for whatever reason, we still make sure that we take that time to update each other on what's going on and getting our frustrations out. It's worked for us for 10 years.

I don't know if going to church would be helpful to you. I'm a Pagan, and our view of religious service and divinity is quite a bit different than a Catholic or Muslim. I meditate and try to take a few quiet moments each day outside just existing. Our eldest daughter goes to church every once in a while to "visit god" with my grandparents, and my grandmother helps her pray and that seems to make her a bit happier for at least that day.

And talking to people from here help a lot too. There aren't a lot of people out there who understand the kind of stress we're under. Sometimes it's nice to know that you're not the only person who is dealing with this.

If you're having a low moment, or are worried that you might hurt yourself, please shoot me a message. I check in throughout the day as much as I can, and I'll help you however I can. You're not alone.

[offline 4]

Very few of you have any idea of what it's like to be away from your spouse for 3 years. The distance will take a toll on the marriage. Having thoughts of divorce is normal. It doesn't mean that he wants a divorce!! But when you have something serious like this taking a toll on your marriage, things get very difficult. The "honeymoon" period for you newlyweds will wear off soon. Like Kaylara said, people settle into married life. Having a spouse far away for years is difficult. I have a feeling he will make it through this and be stronger because of it. I also think that many of you judgmental people telling him he has a false marriage or whatever will be the ones who will be divorced filing for "ROC" on your own. Karma, that's what it's called.

[rysa 3]

Although it's hard to combat the stigma associated with seeing a therapist/counselor, the truth is that you do NOT have to first be clinically depressed/anxious/etc. to talk to one in order to benefit from a confidential sounding board who is professionally trained to help you figure out where you stand. The trick will be to find someone who is a good fit for your particular situation and ways of thinking about things. Probably someone with background/experience dealing with all the challenges multicultural/multiethnic/multifaith relationships can bring into one's life. But, you can always shop around. Therapists are more than happy to refer you if you feel the current one is not a good fit, and most of them talk to you on the phone first to gauge whether they might be a good fit for you, or if they have a colleague in mind.