Need Help--Feel Like My Marriage is Already Crumbling

[krenn08 8]

Being someone in the same position - I consider this. You feel like ####### being married to her - do you think you'll seriously not find happiness in the future? The answer to that question answers all. Folks here have stated it's time to get help and you should do that... talk to someone for a while who will help with depression and objectively point out the facts of your situation - I would not suggest friends or the local bartender, as helpful as they want to be. Get professional counseling. Counselors don't answer questions for you (real ones do not anyway...) - they help you to find the answers yourself. Note, I'm in IT in the Washington DC area too - not a counselor .

If you believe you can be happy with her in the future, great!!

If you do not believe you will be happy with her in the future - consider this:

• Stay married: Miserable now, miserable in the future.
• Divorce: Miserable now, most likely a good future (with better decision making =)

Best of luck in your decision friend...

[thedude6752000 360]

Probably a number of problems here.

First off, you have a plethora of issues you need to work out. Should probably see someone about that.

Second, I think you already know the answer, but you need to do some real talk with yourself and decide if you actually love your wife and want a life with her, or if you just loved the idea of being in love for a time.

I would think long and hard about divorce before you bring her over here.

Your input does not add to the discussion and the perceived negative insinuations of your comments negate whatever you are trying to say, as is usual from the posts I have read of yours Avery. At least I can take some comfort in knowing that some things don't change.

[thedude6752000 360]

Being someone in the same position - I consider this. You feel like ####### being married to her - do you think you'll seriously not find happiness in the future? The answer to that question answers all. Folks here have stated it's time to get help and you should do that... talk to someone for a while who will help with depression and objectively point out the facts of your situation - I would not suggest friends or the local bartender, as helpful as they want to be. Get professional counseling. Counselors don't answer questions for you (real ones do not anyway...) - they help you to find the answers yourself. Note, I'm in IT in the Washington DC area too - not a counselor .

If you believe you can be happy with her in the future, great!!

If you do not believe you will be happy with her in the future - consider this:

• Stay married: Miserable now, miserable in the future.
• Divorce: Miserable now, most likely a good future (with better decision making =)

Best of luck in your decision friend...

Thank you for the thoughtful response.

[Avery Cates 1,141]

Your input does not add to the discussion and the perceived negative insinuations of your comments negate whatever you are trying to say, as is usual from the posts I have read of yours Avery. At least I can take some comfort in knowing that some things don't change.

I could see where me agreeing with everyone else is a negative.

You said yourself you regret marrying your wife. ("Rue the day" being the exact verbiage.) Being overseas and finding yourself in love with the idea of being in love happens pretty frequently. Happens more often than not on home soil too, especially to people who are inexperienced in relationships. I'm sure she's lovely, but if it's not there after you've been apart then it's not there. You're not the first one this has happened to. You should really get it sorted out prior to bringing her here though, or else you'll do her an even greater, and wholefully more intentional disservice. There's making a mistake and being wrong about something with good intentions, and then there's uprooting someone from the life they know when you're just not feeling it. You've said you've imagined life with other women in this country, but said little about having it with her. It's ok, it doesn't make you a bad person. It's a life experience, these things happen.

Real talk.

Edited February 13, 2014 by Avery Cates

[nightingalejules 678]

I agree with almost everyone here. There may be an actual problem with your marriage. But honestly, it's hard to tell. Everything you're describing sounds like clinical depression. I'm glad the suicidal thoughts have passed, but just their absence doesn't mean the depression is gone. Please get a referral to a professional psychiatrist or therapist. It can get better.

[thedude6752000 360]

I could see where me agreeing with everyone else is a negative.

You said yourself you regret marrying your wife. ("Rue the day" being the exact verbiage.) Being overseas and finding yourself in love with the idea of being in love happens pretty frequently. Happens more often than not on home soil too, especially to people who are inexperienced in relationships. I'm sure she's lovely, but if it's not there after you've been apart then it's not there. You're not the first one this has happened to. You should really get it sorted out prior to bringing her here though, or else you'll do her an even greater, and wholefully more intentional disservice. There's making a mistake and being wrong about something with good intentions, and then there's uprooting someone from the life they know when you're just not feeling it. You've said you've imagined life with other women in this country, but said little about having it with her. It's ok, it doesn't make you a bad person. It's a life experience, these things happen.

Real talk.

"Real talk" is indeed appreciated. To be clear. I have never imagined life with any other particular women, no one I actually know, but I have just imagined what life would be life if I had married someone who lives here, who's family is here, whom I could see more than once a year, someone with whom I could have a "normal life", probably a fantasy itself, but I have a hard time convincing myself that my relationship now is "normal."

[Jamie & Izzy 98]

This all does not sound very good ,I`m sorry to say this but if you already feel this way now imagine how you would feel after 6 years ? why do the both of you talk so little on skype ? My husband and i are always in contact as much as we can on weekends we are 24/7 online ,we cannot sleep without having skype on ,not sure if your just missing her but please if you don`t really love her,tell her...Do not let her suffer for this after !

Even if its shameful to divorce in in India i`m sure she`ll be okay, Id rather get hurt than be with someone who does not love me ,you do care for her i can see that ,but i just don`t know what to say at this point .

We all are waiting or waited for our loved ones but 5 month is really not long enough to crumble a relationship ...

Anyways...

I wish you good luck ! you and your Wife.

Edited February 13, 2014 by Jamie & Izzy

[thedude6752000 360]

This all does not sound very good ,I`m sorry to say this but if you already feel this way now imagine how you would feel after 6 years ? why do the both of you talk so little on skype ? My husband and i are always in contact as much as we can on weekends we are 24/7 online ,we cannot sleep without having skype on ,not sure if your just missing her but please if you don`t really love her,tell her...Do not let her suffer for this after !

Even if its shameful to divorce in in India i`m sure she`ll be okay, Id rather get hurt then be with someone who does not love me ,you do care for her i can see that ,but i just don`t know what to say at this point .

We all are waiting or waited for our loved ones but 5 month is really not long enough to crumble a relationship ...

Anyways...

I wish you good luck ! you and your Wife.

Well my wife does not have any internet access at her house, and the only time we can skype is when she is at work and gets a break (she teaches little kids on Skype). It fluctuates at different times of the year, in the summers we talk for hours, but right now she only gets Skype break on Mondays and sometimes Fridays. I call her on the weekends on her phone but the reception is terrible.

And to be clear, we've been apart for 3 years now, I guess what broke me was realizing how just how far we are now.

[Ketsuban 1,034]

You do need to talk to her.

Yes, it will be extremely difficult to bring up, and you will both be very upset. But if you keep on building this up and keeping it to yourself, you're likely to come out with it all anyway, in a more uncontrolled fashion.

It's not a break-up talk as such. It's a revelation of feelings. How you're not coping with the separation. She's your wife and she loves you - she will validate your feelings and at least then you don't feel so much like you're alone in all of this, trying to hold it all together while she is oblivious.

Marriage is all of the good stuff and all of the bad stuff. You made vows to stay with each other in sickness and in health. This is a time of "sickness" if you will, so let her help you through this dark period of your life.

Help each other. She may be feeling similar to you.

[Avery Cates 1,141]

"Real talk" is indeed appreciated. To be clear. I have never imagined life with any other particular women, no one I actually know, but I have just imagined what life would be life if I had married someone who lives here, who's family is here, whom I could see more than once a year, someone with whom I could have a "normal life", probably a fantasy itself, but I have a hard time convincing myself that my relationship now is "normal."

Well, it's not a normal relationship. None of us really have them until they're over here. We all chose a tough route but chose it because we were, ideally, sure that the other person was worth all the trial and tribulations.

I always think of the following when I look back and consider the trip:

"But our trip was different. It was to be a classic affirmation of everything right and true in the national character. A gross physical salute to the fantastic possibilities of life in this country. But only for those with true grit."

If you haven't already, I would stop and consider what you think life will realistically be like if she's here, and if that's something that's worth the waiting to you. If not, then you know what you have to do. This isn't for everyone, and you need to be sure without doubt that this is something you want. If it's not, then you should make way for the people who have decided it is for them.

I would take long and consider that, and also discuss it with whatever professional you find.

[bdrew612 1,071]

3 years is a long time to be apart, there's no denying that. I can also understand the hesitation to bring up such a heavy topic on Skype during a work break (my husband gets irritated as ever when I bring up a serious matter while he's at work)!

Maybe finding a time for the two of you to have a serious heart to heart about where you are individually (how you're hurting, and how she is coping with the distance), where you are as a unit, and where you both want to be will help you both find your way and give you both peace of mind.

Edited February 13, 2014 by bdrew612

[Jamie & Izzy 98]

Well my wife does not have any internet access at her house, and the only time we can skype is when she is at work and gets a break (she teaches little kids on Skype). It fluctuates at different times of the year, in the summers we talk for hours, but right now she only gets Skype break on Mondays and sometimes Fridays. I call her on the weekends on her phone but the reception is terrible.

And to be clear, we've been apart for 3 years now, I guess what broke me was realizing how just how far we are now.

Well i`m sorry to hear that ,but you have to talk about it with her very soon, tell her how you feel ! she will get mad she might even cry,but just do it .

I`ve been apart from my husband longer than we have been together, we have been together around 8-9 in total out of 2 and a half years ,it is not easy trust me,but we try to make the best out of it, sharing all our feelings is very important even if its the tiniest thing, and not have skype time while being apart would be a nightmare for us, this weekend tell her to get online i`m sure she can find away, do not write her these things tell her with your own voice how this all is making you feel and how it is affecting you and your relationship with her.

Before i met my husband i was in a 5 year long relationship (long distance) in those 5 years we met one time for 14 days,but in the end of those 5 years i was sick and tired of him not sharing his feelings hiding things from me being depressed mad and angry ,he was from Saudi Arabia he was atheist and hated his government ,that hate became stronger than our "Relationships" and i ended it ,i`m glad i did or else he would of dragged me down with his hate, and i would of never met my husband my soul mate .

Be strong ,for you and her !

Izzy

[Zaino 1]

You have built your marriage foundation from a lie and it's probably going to be hard to be successful in the long run. You don't need to see anyone, just talk to your wife and tell her your situation no one else will better understand you other than her. Husband shares his feelings with wife and wife shares with her husband. If you think she'll get upset, she will get upset but you guys will find out a solution, it would be better if she finds everything now then if its too late. Try to talk to your wife as much as you can, it clears out misunderstandings and everything. Here's my story I got married recently and it was sort of arranged marriage, I didn't wanna marry this person, but I did for my mom's happiness. I fight my husband all the time! And at the end I realize I love him more and more, I tell him things that really upsets him but at the end he clears things out and says he loves me. And as you said she loves you, I assume u loved her thats why u married her, just tell her everything, every single thing dont worry if she will get upset, you will feel light and u hopefully she will understand you. And you feel this way only because she is away from you, you only chat 2 hrs a day on Skype, here's my husbands he chats me 24/7. If you guys talks more, you will understand her more and love her more. Goood Luck

[Ontarkie 14,385]

You have built your marriage foundation from a lie and it's probably going to be hard to be successful in the long run. You don't need to see anyone, just talk to your wife and tell her your situation no one else will better understand you other than her. Husband shares his feelings with wife and wife shares with her husband. If you think she'll get upset, she will get upset but you guys will find out a solution, it would be better if she finds everything now then if its too late. Try to talk to your wife as much as you can, it clears out misunderstandings and everything. Here's my story I got married recently and it was sort of arranged marriage, I didn't wanna marry this person, but I did for my mom's happiness. I fight my husband all the time! And at the end I realize I love him more and more, I tell him things that really upsets him but at the end he clears things out and says he loves me. And as you said she loves you, I assume u loved her thats why u married her, just tell her everything, every single thing dont worry if she will get upset, you will feel light and u hopefully she will understand you. And you feel this way only because she is away from you, you only chat 2 hrs a day on Skype, here's my husbands he chats me 24/7. If you guys talks more, you will understand her more and love her more. Goood Luck

Please do not tell someone who has had suicide thoughts that they do not need to see a someone. That is very dangerous advice, he is in a bad place right now and he needs talk to his wife and a therapist.

[Salo&Romashka 83]

Don't let the injustice that's been done to your family end a life with the one you love. I've followed your posts and see the passion that you have and I admire the way you've fought for your loved one. Remember that nothing worth having in life is easy. I would suggest that in this moment you need to rely on your faith more than ever. Seek out someone out in you could speak to in confidence if you are not ready to share it with your wife.

Respect yourself

In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. Ephesians 5:28

Respect others

Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. Romans 12:10

Be responsible for your actions

Let all that you do be done in love. 1 Corinthians 16:14

Hang in there, dude! Don't forget someone's counting on you.