Need Help--Feel Like My Marriage is Already Crumbling

[thedude6752000 360]

So a little back story on us. I met my wife back in 2011 when I was studying Urdu with the US State Department in Lucknow, India. She is a Muslim and I am a Christian, this created immediate problems. Long story short I lied to her parents about converting to Islam in 2012 and we get engaged. Before I had been a very religious Catholic, but now I am just kind of "lukewarm"-- I still believe in Christianity but I find it difficult to practice in my life. I returned to the US after my engagement in India in 2012. I had wanted to file the I-129f for her then but at the time K-1 visas were taking over a year to get to the embassy and we were scared of AP at the embassy because my wife has a common Muslim last name. We decided to get married instead. I started looking for a job because I was a penniless college grad (I had studied Arabic in college and let me tell you that's not nearly as lucrative as it sounds), working at a restaurant and living with my parents. I eventually found an IT job that would take me in the greater DC area despite my lack of experience. I got hired there in 2013 and saved up enough to go back to India for 2 months (we had originally intended only 1 but getting our civil court marriage proved terribly difficult to do in a timely manner) in August and September of 2013 for the marriage. I returned in October of 2013 and filed my I-130 for my wife in November.

We're now at the 5 month mark since NOA1 and more than 7 months into our "marriage." Just two weeks ago I was seriously contemplating suicide. I am better now but honestly I am tired. After the suicidal thoughts passed things changed. If anyone is familiar with my posts here I have been a relentless critic of the government and more than a bit radical on the issue of our immigration. I feel like I have fought so hard and I do not want to fight anymore.I wake up some days and I don't know what I am doing. I was so in love with my wife, but I feel that things have changed inside of me. She still loves me more than anything, but I am starting to doubt myself. I often think that I made a mistake. Everyone in my family told me not to do this. I feel so lonely. I guess I have cried myself out, I no longer cry a lot anymore, but I am so hungry for physical contact with another person. My (immediate, nuclear) family is really touchy-feely but my extended family here in the DMV are not.

What I am afraid of the most is that the main thing stopping me from asking for a divorce is the devastating effect it would have on my wife. She has no idea I feel this way. How can she? Our relationship consists of 1-2 hours skype conversations 2-3 times a week and gmail chats the rest of the days. I feel so terrible. One second I think that it's her fault (I start thinking that she used pity to keep me with her when I tried to leave before we were married), then next I think it's mine and that I am a terrible person. One second I determine to leave her, the next minute I decide that's impossible. I meet women I am attracted to here and a I rue the day I chose to marry her. Then I feel like a real piece of sh!t. I fantasize often about what my life would be like if I had met a girl in this country for whom I did not have to lie. My wife is a good person and I do love her, the thought of any harm coming to her does make me want to cry. Divorce is a shame in India and if I leave her it truly will be a huge shame, everyone warned her this would happen. But is that enough to stay in a marriage? I see all these other VJ'ers who are so dedicated to their LDR spouses. They must be more in love, or better people than I am. I used to be like that. What has happened to me?

Edited February 12, 2014 by thedude6752000

[Merrytooth 5,748]

Err... after reading your post, I seriously think you need medical help asap, you may be clinically depressed.

Clinical depression symptoms may include:

• Depressed mood most of the day, nearly every day
• Loss of interest or pleasure in most activities
• Significant weight loss or gain
• Sleeping too much or not being able to sleep nearly every day
• Slowed thinking or movement that others can see
• Fatigue or low energy nearly every day
• Feelings of worthlessness or inappropriate guilt
• Loss of concentration or indecisiveness
• Recurring thoughts of death or suicide

[thedude6752000 360]

Err... after reading your post, I seriously think you need medical help asap, you may be clinically depressed.

Clinical depression symptoms may include:

• Depressed mood most of the day, nearly every day
• Loss of interest or pleasure in most activities
• Significant weight loss or gain
• Sleeping too much or not being able to sleep nearly every day
• Slowed thinking or movement that others can see
• Fatigue or low energy nearly every day
• Feelings of worthlessness or inappropriate guilt
• Loss of concentration or indecisiveness
• Recurring thoughts of death or suicide

My brother said the same thing. I honestly feel that my mental state is a lot better, I am not suicidal at all. I am just thinking about leaving her a lot

Edited February 12, 2014 by thedude6752000

[thedude6752000 360]

You know what the real kicker is? When I went online to look for advice, most places gave something along these lines: take a 6 month "cooling off period" to see what life will be like without them! HAHA! Well-f*cking_played universe!

Edited February 12, 2014 by thedude6752000

[Ontarkie 14,385]

~~Moved to Effects of Major Family Changes on Immigration Benefits, from Off Topic -- As a more appropriate forum~~

[thedude6752000 360]

Why do I think these things? I am so lonely and desperate. I don't want to leave my wife. But I don't want to stay with her either. Why does the US government do this to their own citizens?????????????

[Harpa Timsah 13,258]

The dude,

I don't know how to say this without being blunt, but you need help. It is normal to have a lot of stress with this process, but if you are struggling so much, and from your posts I believe you are, then there is no shame in getting professional help.

Maybe you need help with depression, anger, anxiety, coping skills. Maybe it's something else. A professional will be able to help you sort it all out and get clarity on this issue.

Good luck.

[Ontarkie 14,385]

I'm really sorry, you are struggling. Talk to your wife keeping it all to yourself will only make you more depressed. I also agree you should talk to your Doctor or a therapist.

[thedude6752000 360]

I don't even know where to look for a therapist.

[Ontarkie 14,385]

You can start with you family doctor they can recomend someone

[thedude6752000 360]

I can't tell her I am thinking about this. I just can't. It would hurt her too much. She is a strong woman but this would make her cry. Oh God I can't do that.

[bdrew612 1,071]

I will echo what everyone else has said. I think talking to a professional about how you're feeling. Try NAMI.org, they have a search option available.

And, talk to your wife about your personal struggles. I'm sure she's struggling, too and sharing in your struggles and being there for each other and with each other can make you a stronger team.

[Harpa Timsah 13,258]

Yes, or you can find one through your insurance, or you can find one in the yellow pages (or online using the words therapist, counselor, psychologist).

[Ontarkie 14,385]

I can't tell her I am thinking about this. I just can't. It would hurt her too much. She is a strong woman but this would make her cry. Oh God I can't do that.

You can tell her how it is stressing you out, that would not be a lie and it would help you if you can talk to her about it.

[Avery Cates 1,141]

Probably a number of problems here.

First off, you have a plethora of issues you need to work out. Should probably see someone about that.

Second, I think you already know the answer, but you need to do some real talk with yourself and decide if you actually love your wife and want a life with her, or if you just loved the idea of being in love for a time.

I would think long and hard about divorce before you bring her over here.