'Forced' to marry

[Sinergy 3]

Just bc you get married in the court house FIRST, doesnt mean you have to wear a sweater and jeans. I dont remember there being a low dress code. You could dress up, i did, my husband did, lots of ppl who got married first in the courthouse did. to say that is almost degrading the courthouse wedding, in the immigration process, it is sometimes and most the time your only source of getting married.

You don't know the circumstances of my marriage, so I'm not sure why you're offended, but I'll cut you some slack. I didn't get married in a courthouse and I had no time to change into something else. We needed the permission of a very stubborn judge to marry, and by the time we got it, the courthouse was closed, the adoul, the official who actually does the official marriage was about to close. We made it from the courthouse to him by the skin of our teeth, and less than ten hours later, we were in a different city saying our good byes so I could catch a plane.

Firstly i wasnt offended, so no need to cut me any slack at all Secondly, after reading this thread, i think it would be best to try and type what you mean so that your words are not so misunderstood. or atleast explain your reason behind the statements you are stating. Alot of what you say can be offensive bc of the way you are saying these things. just food for thought

[garya505 2]

szsz, i like your style B)

[irishgirl73 0]

I actually read all 44 pages before posting. I deserve a medal.

The original reason for this thread was discussing if anyone resented being forced to marry by the immigration laws. The last four words are the important ones. People marry or do not marry for many reasons and, as we have seen, are fiercely defensive of those reasons.

I would not have married my husband when I did, without the law forcing me to do so. Whether I would have married him at all is a moot point. It's a moot point because I had no choice. We love each other, we want to be together, therefore, by US law, we had to marry. In our world today, people need months to plan trips, due to work-vacation booking, children in school, etc etc. US immigration gave us three weeks' warning of our final K-1 visa step, then gave us 90 days to marry, while recommending we marry sooner to avoid paperwork backlogs. My grown children could not attend our wedding. My friends back in Canada could not attend our wedding. No one we knew could drop their daily lives and fly off to Texas with so little warning.

Yes, I resent being forced to marry at the government's dictates. It has nothing to do with committment or religion. It has to do with wanting to plan my life. Perhaps I wanted a winter wedding. Perhaps I wanted a summer wedding. Perhaps I wanted to settle into a strange country for a year before moving forward.

Isn't that what this thread was supposed to be about?

Did you ever concider you can still have a summer or winter wedding? You can still take months to plan around when your kids and friends and family can attend it?? I just dont understand why people blame immigration for causing them not to have the wedding of their dreams or the wedding they REALLY wanted. Yes you have 90 days to get married, go to the courthouse and get married. No one is stopping you from continuing to have the wedding you REALLY wanted. Me and my husband got married in the courthouse for immigration. In the summer we have our "big" wedding planned. This is the one we will count as our REAL wedding, the one where everyone we know can attend, the one where we can do the whole thing. Immigrations helps you get your fiance here, weather it be by marriage already or agreeing to get married once the fiance is here, the rest is up to you, you can settle for the 90 day marriage or you can do what immigration requires and then do what you wanted to do at a later time.

I agree 100 %................I just got married on Tues(at the courthouse) & even though it wasn't the wedding of my dreams, I married the man of my dreams so that we can be together & that is all that matters-we did what we had to do. It is unfair that the gov't makes us do things this way but at least we are all doing things the "legal" way instead of sneaking around. I will have a proper wedding when I have the money-it may be next year, could be 2 years from now. I am just so happy that I am finally together with my man.

WOOO HOOO GIRL CONGRATS!!! Its a bout time i heard good news like this from you

thanks I know..............it is about time isn't it??

[Sofiyya 1,687]

Just bc you get married in the court house FIRST, doesnt mean you have to wear a sweater and jeans. I dont remember there being a low dress code. You could dress up, i did, my husband did, lots of ppl who got married first in the courthouse did. to say that is almost degrading the courthouse wedding, in the immigration process, it is sometimes and most the time your only source of getting married.

You don't know the circumstances of my marriage, so I'm not sure why you're offended, but I'll cut you some slack. I didn't get married in a courthouse and I had no time to change into something else. We needed the permission of a very stubborn judge to marry, and by the time we got it, the courthouse was closed, the adoul, the official who actually does the official marriage was about to close. We made it from the courthouse to him by the skin of our teeth, and less than ten hours later, we were in a different city saying our good byes so I could catch a plane.

Firstly i wasnt offended, so no need to cut me any slack at all Secondly, after reading this thread, i think it would be best to try and type what you mean so that your words are not so misunderstood. or atleast explain your reason behind the statements you are stating. Alot of what you say can be offensive bc of the way you are saying these things. just food for thought

I didn't feel a need to go into detail about the circumstances of my marriage day, but since you made an assumption and mentioned "degrading" the courthouse marriage, I did so.

I always say what I mean.

szsz, i like your style B)

Thank you, Gary! I like yours too! One thing I've noticed is that I do get along better with the men here than I do with the women here. They "get me",and a lot of women find my views or the expression of them to be offensive. But, like I said before, my collegues say I speak like a man, so, for women, my communication is incongruous and doesn't fit their expectations. I chalk it up to being one of a few women to go thru an education system set up for males. Not being a liberal makes a difference too, it seems.

And thank you, Gupt, also!

Edited January 4, 2007 by szsz

[Peikko 1,575]

I have to laugh or be offensive, I choose to laugh.

[Sinergy 3]

Just bc you get married in the court house FIRST, doesnt mean you have to wear a sweater and jeans. I dont remember there being a low dress code. You could dress up, i did, my husband did, lots of ppl who got married first in the courthouse did. to say that is almost degrading the courthouse wedding, in the immigration process, it is sometimes and most the time your only source of getting married.

You don't know the circumstances of my marriage, so I'm not sure why you're offended, but I'll cut you some slack. I didn't get married in a courthouse and I had no time to change into something else. We needed the permission of a very stubborn judge to marry, and by the time we got it, the courthouse was closed, the adoul, the official who actually does the official marriage was about to close. We made it from the courthouse to him by the skin of our teeth, and less than ten hours later, we were in a different city saying our good byes so I could catch a plane.

Firstly i wasnt offended, so no need to cut me any slack at all Secondly, after reading this thread, i think it would be best to try and type what you mean so that your words are not so misunderstood. or atleast explain your reason behind the statements you are stating. Alot of what you say can be offensive bc of the way you are saying these things. just food for thought

I didn't feel a need to go into detail about the circumstances of my marriage day, but since you made an assumption and mentioned "degrading" the courthouse marriage, I did so.

I always say what I mean.

szsz, i like your style B)

Thank you, Gary! I like yours too! One thing I've noticed is that I do get along better with the men here than I do with the women here. They "get me",and a lot of women find my views or the expression of them to be offensive. But, like I said before, my collegues say I speak like a man, so, for women, my communication is incongruous and doesn't fit their expectations. I chalk it up to being one of a few women to go thru an education system set up for males. Not being a liberal makes a difference too, it seems.

And thank you, Gupt, also!

I dont think your reason for not getting along with us women on VJ is bc we are offended by you! And as far as you speak like a man, what kind of man?? My husband and every other man i know does not speak like you, and weather you spoke like a man OR a woman, i dont think my expectations are high of you anyway. And your education system was set up for males? were you the only female in an all boys school? or were you going to school in the 1200's???

[rebeccajo 14]

My view is valid for me. It is what I use to determine how I feel about others.

And herein lies the problem.

You can have a view all you like. It's the way your view causes you to treat others that's - well - not nice.

The "politically correct" paradigm of others make them overly sensitive and needy, seeing anyone who doesn't validate their views as "not nice".

I'm quite nice, maybe not by your standards because so many require no disagreement to see someone as nice. What I am is direct and unambiguous in my communication. Most women aren't. I'm also a realist and don't see the point of whining and complaining about things I either can't change or are too unmotivated to try to change.

No, it's not about being politically correct.

It's not about agreeing or disagreeing.

It's not about directness or ambiguity.

Or being male or female.

It's about manners and courtesy. And that's all. Period.

[CarolineM 0]

Thank you, Gary! I like yours too! One thing I've noticed is that I do get along better with the men here than I do with the women here. They "get me",and a lot of women find my views or the expression of them to be offensive. But, like I said before, my collegues say I speak like a man, so, for women, my communication is incongruous and doesn't fit their expectations. I chalk it up to being one of a few women to go thru an education system set up for males. Not being a liberal makes a difference too, it seems.

riiiiiiiight.

[Alex+R 0]

Thank you, Gary! I like yours too! One thing I've noticed is that I do get along better with the men here than I do with the women here. They "get me",and a lot of women find my views or the expression of them to be offensive. But, like I said before, my collegues say I speak like a man, so, for women, my communication is incongruous and doesn't fit their expectations. I chalk it up to being one of a few women to go thru an education system set up for males. Not being a liberal makes a difference too, it seems.

riiiiiiiight.

LOL. Welcome back Caroline

[Sofiyya 1,687]

All women reacting . . . predictably.

Courtesy goes both ways, rebeccajo. This thread is evidence that some only see disrespect when it comes from those they disagree with. Think about it.

[CarolineM 0]

Thanks Alex Good to be home....and I see things at VJ are the same!!

[Sinergy 3]

respect is earned!!

[Sofiyya 1,687]

And so if you're not getting the respect you think you deserve, you didn't earn it! So work harder next time, if that's what you want.

You criticized my post about getting married in a jeans and sweater, and I explained why. From that, I'm not sure why you feel a need to battle with me now. Perhaps you could explain that.

[Peikko 1,575]

Getting back to the facts

The immigration process is flawed. Not all couples who are in a commited, happy, monogomous relationship wish to have that relationship 'validated' by a marriage ceremony, religious or civil. Some of course cannot have their relationship validated (same sex couples)

However, everyone who commits to the immgration process MUST marry in order to live together in the US. Some people feel their hands are 'forced' by 'having' to do this. Does this make their relationship less valid than those who, without thought go through the marriage ceremony? Prove to me that this is so and you have won the marriage equals commitment argument.

[brnidokiegurl 0]

Respect maybe earned but courtesy and manners are learned