'Forced' to marry

[ceriserose 1]

Spelling "moot" correctly anywhere is worth stars! Make it three!

(P.S. WoM, wanna fight about how many stars? I have to go to work but I'll come back and fight if'n you want... )

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I'm so stalking you for your images.

(Wait, if I tell you I'm stalking you is it really stalking? Does anyone hear that tree falling? )

[Peikko 1,575]

First, there are people who co habitate without marriage and commit to their relationship whole heartedly and resolutely. How many couples do this? No idea. However, it is a 'fact' that these relationshops exist.

Second, the 'rules' of immigration. The rules are as they are and like it or not, people have to 'jump through the hoops' if they wish to live together.

Most people faced with the choice of having to go through a marriage ceremony to be with their loved one, if the alternative is to not be with their loved one, choose the former. (Particularly as the 'civil' marriage is the pertinant requirement) Fact, these people do not have to be 'happy' that they were 'forced' to go through a marriage ceremony and it does not change their commitment to the relationship one way or the other.

Should the 'rules' of immigration be changed to fit other people's life style choices. My opinion, yes, but it is not very likely going to happen given the fear of 'cheating the system' and 'homophobia' that seems to ever pervade the whole immigration scene.

Question: Is marriage the best way to prove commitment? That's something else again.

[bostonparis 0]

And the same goes for you, sis. Just because you think your view is valid doesn't make it so.

But that's not news to me; I've been saying that all along, and that's why people were upset. I didn't validate their views, and I still don't.

Condescending statements don't bother me. My self-esteem is intact. Condenscend away!

Does it bother you even a little now that you're doing what you've been trying to get me to stop doing for three days?

Not even a teeeeeny tiny bit!!

[Ban Hammer 13,656]

(Wait, if I tell you I'm stalking you is it really stalking? Does anyone hear that tree falling? )

it's not stalking without a restraining order

[rebeccajo 14]

Just because you think your view is valid doesn't make it so.

Does that principle apply to you as well?

[Sofiyya 1,687]

And the same goes for you, sis. Just because you think your view is valid doesn't make it so.

But that's not news to me; I've been saying that all along, and that's why people were upset. I didn't validate their views, and I still don't.

Condescending statements don't bother me. My self-esteem is intact. Condenscend away!

Does it bother you even a little now that you're doing what you've been trying to get me to stop doing for three days?

Not even a teeeeeny tiny bit!!

Good! Now, you have no grounds upon which to hound me about validating others since you won't do the same for me.

[bostonparis 0]

And the same goes for you, sis. Just because you think your view is valid doesn't make it so.

But that's not news to me; I've been saying that all along, and that's why people were upset. I didn't validate their views, and I still don't.

Condescending statements don't bother me. My self-esteem is intact. Condenscend away!

Does it bother you even a little now that you're doing what you've been trying to get me to stop doing for three days?

Not even a teeeeeny tiny bit!!

Good! Now, you have no grounds upon which to hound me about validating others since you won't do the same for me.

Nope! I'm done with ya! Au revoir!

[Sofiyya 1,687]

Just because you think your view is valid doesn't make it so.

Does that principle apply to you as well?

I love this. Where have you been? I've been saying this all along. And it goes for you too.

My view is valid for me. It is what I use to determine how I feel about others. I have no need to validate the views of anyone else, and at no time did I demand of anyone else that they validate my views.

It was alot of other people who have been demanding that I acknowledge their views as valid. I have no obligation to do so. The feeling that I must comes from the hypnotism of "political correctness", a paradigm I do not subscribe to.

I think I'll put something about this in my siggy since so many don't "get it" and want me to conform to their standards.

Nope! I'm done with ya! Au revoir!

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

Edited January 4, 2007 by szsz

[Caladan 19]

'I'm not PC' is apparently the new 'IMO.' It's like a magic shield that renders the user immune from accusations of being insulting, and absolves them of the pesky requirements of logic and reason.

No one's demanding anyone acknowledge anyone's views as valid. They might be wanting evidence, arguments, and reason, but that's not the same thing as validation.

[rebeccajo 14]

My view is valid for me. It is what I use to determine how I feel about others.

And herein lies the problem.

You can have a view all you like. It's the way your view causes you to treat others that's - well - not nice.

[Sinergy 3]

szsz, I have never tried to change your opinion about what you believe. What I simply wanted was to understand that you believe that others have opinions that they feel are just as valid. I don't think anyone would look to some stranger on a message board for validation. That's a little egotistical, maybe even delusional, to think that.

You know what, bp? I didn't need you to tell me that other people feel that their views as valid. Why do you think I don't know that? Because I don't act as if I think they're valid? I know that just because people think their views are valid doesn't make them valid. That's a fact, since some do like facts better than raw emotion.

And, yes, it is clear that there are lots of folks here looking for validation. It's not my ego telling me that, it's their actions on this thread that tell me that. Gary and Gupt saw that; they also saw that the reaction to me wasn't about me, it was about each person who over reacted. It's amazing how few could see what they were doing.

With your statement, "What I simply wanted was to understand that you believe that others have opinions that they feel are just as valid." YOU were insisting that I validate them. What difference does my validation make to you?

I actually read all 44 pages before posting. I deserve a medal.

The original reason for this thread was discussing if anyone resented being forced to marry by the immigration laws. The last four words are the important ones. People marry or do not marry for many reasons and, as we have seen, are fiercely defensive of those reasons.

I would not have married my husband when I did, without the law forcing me to do so. Whether I would have married him at all is a moot point. It's a moot point because I had no choice. We love each other, we want to be together, therefore, by US law, we had to marry. In our world today, people need months to plan trips, due to work-vacation booking, children in school, etc etc. US immigration gave us three weeks' warning of our final K-1 visa step, then gave us 90 days to marry, while recommending we marry sooner to avoid paperwork backlogs. My grown children could not attend our wedding. My friends back in Canada could not attend our wedding. No one we knew could drop their daily lives and fly off to Texas with so little warning.

Yes, I resent being forced to marry at the government's dictates. It has nothing to do with committment or religion. It has to do with wanting to plan my life. Perhaps I wanted a winter wedding. Perhaps I wanted a summer wedding. Perhaps I wanted to settle into a strange country for a year before moving forward.

Isn't that what this thread was supposed to be about?

Did you ever concider you can still have a summer or winter wedding? You can still take months to plan around when your kids and friends and family can attend it?? I just dont understand why people blame immigration for causing them not to have the wedding of their dreams or the wedding they REALLY wanted. Yes you have 90 days to get married, go to the courthouse and get married. No one is stopping you from continuing to have the wedding you REALLY wanted. Me and my husband got married in the courthouse for immigration. In the summer we have our "big" wedding planned. This is the one we will count as our REAL wedding, the one where everyone we know can attend, the one where we can do the whole thing. Immigrations helps you get your fiance here, weather it be by marriage already or agreeing to get married once the fiance is here, the rest is up to you, you can settle for the 90 day marriage or you can do what immigration requires and then do what you wanted to do at a later time.

What I hear in complaints like this is that there should be no rules, or the rules "should" be changed to fit the desires of everyone who wants them to be different. I have no empathy for anyone who blames immigration for "forcing" them to marry because how to marry, whom to marry is your choice. You choose someone for whom the RULES to go by are different than they would be if you had choosen someone closer to home. That's how you have to roll. Hell, it's not like you couldn't get married at all!

I'm not the big weddig type, but I would have liked to have had more of a ceremony than sitting in an adoul's office in a sweater and jeans signing a paper that married us. When he gets here, we'll have the ceremony we want. Weddings do not equal marriage, but I'm happy to be married to the man I love. I could not care less how it happened.

Just bc you get married in the court house FIRST, doesnt mean you have to wear a sweater and jeans. I dont remember there being a low dress code. You could dress up, i did, my husband did, lots of ppl who got married first in the courthouse did. to say that is almost degrading the courthouse wedding, in the immigration process, it is sometimes and most the time your only source of getting married.

[irishgirl73 0]

I actually read all 44 pages before posting. I deserve a medal.

The original reason for this thread was discussing if anyone resented being forced to marry by the immigration laws. The last four words are the important ones. People marry or do not marry for many reasons and, as we have seen, are fiercely defensive of those reasons.

I would not have married my husband when I did, without the law forcing me to do so. Whether I would have married him at all is a moot point. It's a moot point because I had no choice. We love each other, we want to be together, therefore, by US law, we had to marry. In our world today, people need months to plan trips, due to work-vacation booking, children in school, etc etc. US immigration gave us three weeks' warning of our final K-1 visa step, then gave us 90 days to marry, while recommending we marry sooner to avoid paperwork backlogs. My grown children could not attend our wedding. My friends back in Canada could not attend our wedding. No one we knew could drop their daily lives and fly off to Texas with so little warning.

Yes, I resent being forced to marry at the government's dictates. It has nothing to do with committment or religion. It has to do with wanting to plan my life. Perhaps I wanted a winter wedding. Perhaps I wanted a summer wedding. Perhaps I wanted to settle into a strange country for a year before moving forward.

Isn't that what this thread was supposed to be about?

Did you ever concider you can still have a summer or winter wedding? You can still take months to plan around when your kids and friends and family can attend it?? I just dont understand why people blame immigration for causing them not to have the wedding of their dreams or the wedding they REALLY wanted. Yes you have 90 days to get married, go to the courthouse and get married. No one is stopping you from continuing to have the wedding you REALLY wanted. Me and my husband got married in the courthouse for immigration. In the summer we have our "big" wedding planned. This is the one we will count as our REAL wedding, the one where everyone we know can attend, the one where we can do the whole thing. Immigrations helps you get your fiance here, weather it be by marriage already or agreeing to get married once the fiance is here, the rest is up to you, you can settle for the 90 day marriage or you can do what immigration requires and then do what you wanted to do at a later time.

I agree 100 %................I just got married on Tues(at the courthouse) & even though it wasn't the wedding of my dreams, I married the man of my dreams so that we can be together & that is all that matters-we did what we had to do. It is unfair that the gov't makes us do things this way but at least we are all doing things the "legal" way instead of sneaking around. I will have a proper wedding when I have the money-it may be next year, could be 2 years from now. I am just so happy that I am finally together with my man.

Edited January 4, 2007 by irishgirl73

[Sofiyya 1,687]

'I'm not PC' is apparently the new 'IMO.' It's like a magic shield that renders the user immune from accusations of being insulting, and absolves them of the pesky requirements of logic and reason.

No one's demanding anyone acknowledge anyone's views as valid. They might be wanting evidence, arguments, and reason, but that's not the same thing as validation.

Caladan, almost everyone has been demanding that I acknowledge their views as valid. Otherwise, they would have no need to argue with me. My views haven't damaged them in any way other than what they give them permission to do, and that is totally subjective.

My view is valid for me. It is what I use to determine how I feel about others.

And herein lies the problem.

You can have a view all you like. It's the way your view causes you to treat others that's - well - not nice.

The "politically correct" paradigm of others make them overly sensitive and needy, seeing anyone who doesn't validate their views as "not nice".

I'm quite nice, maybe not by your standards because so many require no disagreement to see someone as nice. What I am is direct and unambiguous in my communication. Most women aren't. I'm also a realist and don't see the point of whining and complaining about things I either can't change or are too unmotivated to try to change.

[Sofiyya 1,687]

Just bc you get married in the court house FIRST, doesnt mean you have to wear a sweater and jeans. I dont remember there being a low dress code. You could dress up, i did, my husband did, lots of ppl who got married first in the courthouse did. to say that is almost degrading the courthouse wedding, in the immigration process, it is sometimes and most the time your only source of getting married.

You don't know the circumstances of my marriage, so I'm not sure why you're offended, but I'll cut you some slack. I didn't get married in a courthouse and I had no time to change into something else. We needed the permission of a very stubborn judge to marry, and by the time we got it, the courthouse was closed, the adoul, the official who actually does the official marriage was about to close. We made it from the courthouse to him by the skin of our teeth, and less than ten hours later, we were in a different city saying our good byes so I could catch a plane.

[Sinergy 3]

I actually read all 44 pages before posting. I deserve a medal.

The original reason for this thread was discussing if anyone resented being forced to marry by the immigration laws. The last four words are the important ones. People marry or do not marry for many reasons and, as we have seen, are fiercely defensive of those reasons.

I would not have married my husband when I did, without the law forcing me to do so. Whether I would have married him at all is a moot point. It's a moot point because I had no choice. We love each other, we want to be together, therefore, by US law, we had to marry. In our world today, people need months to plan trips, due to work-vacation booking, children in school, etc etc. US immigration gave us three weeks' warning of our final K-1 visa step, then gave us 90 days to marry, while recommending we marry sooner to avoid paperwork backlogs. My grown children could not attend our wedding. My friends back in Canada could not attend our wedding. No one we knew could drop their daily lives and fly off to Texas with so little warning.

Yes, I resent being forced to marry at the government's dictates. It has nothing to do with committment or religion. It has to do with wanting to plan my life. Perhaps I wanted a winter wedding. Perhaps I wanted a summer wedding. Perhaps I wanted to settle into a strange country for a year before moving forward.

Isn't that what this thread was supposed to be about?

Did you ever concider you can still have a summer or winter wedding? You can still take months to plan around when your kids and friends and family can attend it?? I just dont understand why people blame immigration for causing them not to have the wedding of their dreams or the wedding they REALLY wanted. Yes you have 90 days to get married, go to the courthouse and get married. No one is stopping you from continuing to have the wedding you REALLY wanted. Me and my husband got married in the courthouse for immigration. In the summer we have our "big" wedding planned. This is the one we will count as our REAL wedding, the one where everyone we know can attend, the one where we can do the whole thing. Immigrations helps you get your fiance here, weather it be by marriage already or agreeing to get married once the fiance is here, the rest is up to you, you can settle for the 90 day marriage or you can do what immigration requires and then do what you wanted to do at a later time.

I agree 100 %................I just got married on Tues(at the courthouse) & even though it wasn't the wedding of my dreams, I married the man of my dreams so that we can be together & that is all that matters-we did what we had to do. It is unfair that the gov't makes us do things this way but at least we are all doing things the "legal" way instead of sneaking around. I will have a proper wedding when I have the money-it may be next year, could be 2 years from now. I am just so happy that I am finally together with my man.

WOOO HOOO GIRL CONGRATS!!! Its a bout time i heard good news like this from you