Single After 30

[PalestineMyHeart 1,897]

Single after 30

By Deena Douara

First Published: December 29, 2006

The image of the 30-year-old woman used to be a woman with a couple of kids enrolled at a good school, a loving husband, a decent place to live, and maybe, or maybe not, an enjoyable job.

The reality for the women who grew up with those images has been somewhat inverted, as they push ahead in the realms of education and career, while marriage and children remain elusive.

"Where is the problem?" asks Dr Malak Rouchdy, professor of sociology at the American University in Cairo. "There is no problem in delaying marriage sociologically. On the contrary, we live in an overpopulated society."

Singledom's demographic benefits to Egypt, however, are of little comfort to marriage seekers.

So what is the problem then? For Mariam and Luly, it is simply, "God's will, nothing more."

Soon-to-turn-30 Luly believes wearing the higab (headscarf) has been an obstacle. The irony, she says, is that men don't realize that "we would do all that [dressing up] for him, but for just one person." She adds that the guys who want un-veiled girls often expect them to cover up after a couple years of marriage anyway.

Finding partners with similar educational and social backgrounds is another concern, as females increasingly pursue higher education and successful careers.

Luly, a senior accountant, says the issue of success is relevant because as a woman earns more money, she becomes more independent and her financial demands increase. Even the man, she says, would have a complex about having his wife earn more or be more successful than he is. "Men like the woman to be weaker."

Mariam, also 30 and pursuing an MBA, goes so far as to say that she feels women are more successful than men. "Women get there faster. And the guys who are successful get married sooner because they know what they want."

It also seems that work changes a woman’s expectations. According to Mariam a woman who has a career and goals won't just "accept anyone for the sake of it. She has more demands."

Of course, Muslim countries are known for having higher marriage rates, and at younger ages, largely because sexual desire can only be fulfilled through marriage.

But Mariam thinks that society is changing. "With globalization, media, video clips, prostitution, and free sexual relationships, men get the satisfaction of marriage without the responsibility. They can see what they want and do what they want."

As if to confirm her thoughts, Mohamed, now 33, admits he put off marriage in his late 20s even though he had found the right person because he'd wanted to enjoy his single life for a little longer. "I haven't found the right person since."

Still, he and Farid, 36, both say that marriage is not their top priority.

It was not always this way though. Farid was engaged twice before and their endings caused him to have a negative outlook on relationships, as did 35-year-old Amira's broken off engagement, which left her unwilling to meet any men for five years.

“Those who get burned from, soup blow on yogurt,” Mariam says, repeating an Arabic saying, the equivalent of “once bitten, twice shy”.

Her first engagement ended when her fiancée’s mother pressured him to end it, and her second relationship, years later, ended after the man suddenly broke it off due to commitment fears after his own failed engagements.

Contrary to the perception of older singles as getting more desperate, all those interviewed by The Daily Star Egypt said that they are getting increasingly demanding, much to the frustration of eager family members.

Mohamed says he is still single because “[he’s] not willing to compromise,” especially since “the people that married young are all getting divorced now.”

"People tell me don't be stubborn,” says Mariam. "If love comes first usually you can compromise but otherwise I would not."

Luly says the pervasiveness of divorce has caused her to think carefully. "In my mid-20s I felt fear [of not getting married]. Now I don’t want to just get married for the sake of it. A long time ago I would have."

Amira added "your standards get higher, it's more difficult to settle because you feel you owe it to yourself [after waiting] to get exactly what you want, or 90 percent of what you want. Otherwise you're better off alone."

Still, the pool of available men and women does get smaller, as even men in their 30s prefer to marry women in their 20s. Amira has started considering marrying somebody younger than her.

Of course, difficult economic conditions, high unemployment, and increasing inflation are what are preventing most of Egypt's youth from getting married, and sociologist Rouchdy is quick to emphasize this.

With the society's cultural and religious expectations, a man can expect to pay a significant "mahr" (dowry) up-front, not to mention the apartment and furniture that must be in place before the couple move in. Many engaged couples wait for years to get married due to financial constraints.

So with all the obstacles involved, do these over-30 singles think they will get married? Mohamed and Luly both say "insha'allah." Farid thinks “It’s certainly something I would want to do.” Amira is still searching. And as for Mariam, she says she is not even seeking marriage after her bad experiences and does not know how long it will take to start over. "To do it to myself again? No. That's too hard."

All names have been changed to protect the privacy of those interviewed.

Next week's article will examine divorce in Egypt.

http://www.dailystaregypt.com/article.aspx?ArticleID=4717