It's been a year and a half...

[sheeshkabelle 153]

It's been a year and a half since we finally got through the USCIS nightmare and hubby got his IR-1.

It hasn't been all sunshine and rainbows. I'll tell you the sad story. It's a story about adjustments, hardship, trust and not giving up.

We had rented our house out for the six months I was in Canada to my ex-husband. I should have known THAT was a bad idea. We came home to our house tore all to hell and back. Burns in the carpets, holes in the walls, a storm had blown half the shingles off the roof and the siding off the North side of the house. He'd never bothered to tell me there was any damage to the house what so ever. He had also allowed his girlfriend to drive my car I left here, and she totaled it.

The money we'd saved went towards fixing everything and replacing my car (we're now in the process of a lawsuit over the whole ordeal)

I immediately found a new job and was working for barely over minimum wage and hubby was getting his EI from Canada. We weren't rolling in the dough, but we could at least pay the bills and keep everyone fed.

Hubby and the kids had a hard time adjusting after the honeymoon period wore off. It got so bad my 16 year old son moved out to live with his dad in Kentucky. Hubby and he butted heads over everything.

My parents are both disabled (mother has dementia and dad has spinal stenosis) mother had to be put in a nursing home and my father came to live with us for a few months. I love my parents, but my father is very hard headed, opinionated and hot tempered. That put a huge strain on our marriage. My mother's mental state got to the point I had to go to court to get conservatorship over her and her affairs.

My nine year old dog, that i'd had since he was a puppy, went into renal failure. After two weeks in the hospital and a $2,000.00 bill he survived. He requires prescription dog food and medication, which isn't cheap, but my beloved Sheltie is still with us!

Then his EI ran out. For three months we barely survived on my income. Hubby had a difficult time finding any kind of work, and he looked diligently for 10 months. Finally in May of 2013 he found work, but it was an hour away in knoxville, and wasn't his first choice as a vocation (he's a heavy duty mechanic and worked 18 years on construction equipment. The new job was working on semis)

I herniated a disc in my back at home, and had to take five months off work. When I was able to return, they fired me anyway.

Once hubby found a job, dad bought a house down the street and moved out, and the kids started back to school, Mom was still raising hell about being put in a home, but things seemed to settle down.

Then I guess we both just got complacent.. arguments over money, where the other was at what time, doing dishes, folding socks, feeding the dog.. it all just got to be too much. In October hubby said he wasn't sure he could do it any more, he was thinking about paying me my half of our assets and going back to Canada.

My first reaction was total, absolute, horrifying anger. All I could think was "How dare he, after eight years of a relationship, a year of fighting to get him here, forcing my son out of our home (which wasn't the case, i was mad) How dare he give up, tuck his tail between his legs and run home"

We decided to see a marriage counselor before we made any rash decisions.

Today, things are ok. We still have arguments over stupid stuff, but we're no longer yelling over who does the dishes.

It's hard. it was hard living apart trying to maintain a marriage and it's hard to 'start over' when your spouse is finally with you.

We were together eight years, married for two,and it was like year one all over again. We hand't lived together any significant amount of time to know that he leaves the seat up and I hate to do dishes. During brief two or three week visits you're still on your best behavior, it's all cuddling and kissing and having a good time. Once you're together it's who cooks tonight, did you feed the dog, someone needs to cut the lawn, and for the love of baby kittens could you PLEASE put the seat down when you're done.

The moral of the story, it will all be ok. Sometimes it takes stepping back, taking a deep breath and taking a good hard look at yourself in the mirror. This is the person you chose to love, honor and cherish. You fought like hell to get them to America and to have a life together. Don't give up.

(of course if the relationship is abusive or infidelity is involved, kick his @$$ to the curb)

[Ontarkie 14,414]

Glad to hear you all made it through that trough patch, hopefully it will be smooth sailing from here on out.

[indiana_sweetie 120]

Kudos to both of you for working things out. You guys have certainly had more than your share of trials. My hubby and I had some minor arguments but we reminded ourselves of the adjustments we both are going through and did like you said, stepped back and took deep breaths.

[NikLR 13,232]

Im glad you both decided to see a therapist. Sounds like it helped you out. Adjusting is hard enough without all the other issues you had on top of it too. I hope things continue to improve for you. (I think every married couple argues over stupid little things to be honest. It's the rare relationship that doesnt.)

[Udella&Wiz 325]

Gosh - a lot to deal with and again kudos to you for working through it. A testament to you both as a couple. A good one for people starting this process that shows things can go poorly and they can also look up.

[gad33 47]

I think about you often and how things are working for you.

Life just piles it on at times. Amongst everything there are two good things I take from this - the job wasn't ideal but he took the job and you went to a counselor. It can be hard for people with established careers/vocations to move to the US and have to start over or prove themselves or just understand how the system works.