Third World Fiances & Learning to Drive!

[Jon York 156]

Cool! Thanks for sharing your experiences Kumi! That's really helpful actually.

Yes, I had thought of letting her drive in a big parking lot near us. But I love your husband's idea about taking you to an unfamiliar area after you're pretty comfortable and letting you find your way home! That's awesome! I'm sure that was a real confidence boost.

Thanks so much for the good ideas!

[Nich-Nick 3,354]

Shouldn't you first let her be a passenger for a LONG time just to get comfortable in a car before plunging her into driver's ed? And let her experience roads and traffic signals and speed limit signs as an observer before studying rule books online? Let her ease into a new culture slowly, baby steps, or she will become overwhelmed with the whole idea of coming here.

If somebody sent you a homemade video of the controls in the space shuttle, would it really help you that much? Would you be ready to jump in and fly it? I dunno...you're thinking like a man.

[Tingbudong 12]

Forza 4 or whatever racing video games are "realistic" in respects to car physics.. LOL.. its not about reality its about virtual reality. On a decent size screen she can del like she's driving. And speeding crashing racing flipping etc the point is its fun and will make being in control of it not seem weird.

Then take her to the mall on Sunday morning or some other place with a huge empty parking lot… or a really empty country road and let her drive around slowly without other cars until she's comfortable. Gocarts too.. We are comfortable with the idea of riding around and steering.. just do non traffic things so she can get a certain comfort level with it before she has to be afraid of othe cars squeezing in around her..

THEN Id say drivers ed.

[chrissbe17 3]

My husband tried to teach me at first, but that didn't go well as we are too close to each other and in a learning environment it just didn't work out cuz his anxiety fed mine. I signed up with a driving school and they made me drive the first time I got into the car. I was so scared and anxious, etc, etc. I think I took 6 lessons with them and then did the test and passed my first time. I have been in cars all my life but I didn't know what did what. I never wanted to or imagined I would be driving one day. But my husband said if we were to have kids I needed to know how to drive so I did it. I still don't drive on highways but I do go to places close by and take our daughter to daycare, etc. I think a driving school is definitely the way to go.

[rlogan 2,036]

We grew up riding in cars with our parents. And we knew a lot about cars and driving before we ever got behind the wheel. So this is all kind of scary that some day she'll get behind the wheel without all of that background.

That's right. They have almost zero experience in judging appropriate speed around corners, how to slip in to moving traffic, etc. I have been a teacher all my life and about the worst student I ever had was my wife. Wives will accept instruction from a driving instructor and respect his judgment. But what a husband says is more like a suggestion to them that they feel perfectly justified in ignoring. My wife nearly killed us twice by happily ignoring my instruction to stop.

A wife ignores a life-saving instruction from the husband, which results in the husband needing to increase the volume and severity of the instruction, which results in the wife getting angry about the husband raising his voice instead of focusing on the cement truck about to hit the car. What we did was agree to have the wife say she was putting her bad attitude aside and accepting instruction immediately before every lesson. Then as we drove down the driveway I would tell her to stop, slow down, put the left turn signal on, or whatever to test if she did what she was told immediately instead of thinking it over and deciding whether to do as asked. If she did not follow the instruction immediately, the lesson was over for the day. Usually I would have her turn right out of the driveway, but I would mix it up and have her turn left. Sure enough, she would say "OK" but not follow the instruction when it was to turn left.

Getting her to think ahead and look down the road was a nightmare. 20 miles an hour uphill. 80 miles an hour downhill. Because she was not adjusting the floor pedal in anticipation of what was ahead. So I started making her talk through what was ahead. "There is a hill coming...there is a turn coming...someone coming up from behind... etc.

One life-threatening aggravation was saying "yes" to questions when the answer was no. Do you know what the blind spot is? Yes. Well, she not only didn't know what it was, but even telling her was not enough. I had to go out and stand in the blind spot and ask "can you see me". Then explain I was in a spot where she could not see me. Do you see how the words mean what they say honey? Before that demonstration they might as well have been random letters.

[hobbit 10]

That's right. They have almost zero experience in judging appropriate speed around corners, how to slip in to moving traffic, etc. I have been a teacher all my life and about the worst student I ever had was my wife. Wives will accept instruction from a driving instructor and respect his judgment. But what a husband says is more like a suggestion to them that they feel perfectly justified in ignoring. My wife nearly killed us twice by happily ignoring my instruction to stop.

A wife ignores a life-saving instruction from the husband, which results in the husband needing to increase the volume and severity of the instruction, which results in the wife getting angry about the husband raising his voice instead of focusing on the cement truck about to hit the car. What we did was agree to have the wife say she was putting her bad attitude aside and accepting instruction immediately before every lesson. Then as we drove down the driveway I would tell her to stop, slow down, put the left turn signal on, or whatever to test if she did what she was told immediately instead of thinking it over and deciding whether to do as asked. If she did not follow the instruction immediately, the lesson was over for the day. Usually I would have her turn right out of the driveway, but I would mix it up and have her turn left. Sure enough, she would say "OK" but not follow the instruction when it was to turn left.

Getting her to think ahead and look down the road was a nightmare. 20 miles an hour uphill. 80 miles an hour downhill. Because she was not adjusting the floor pedal in anticipation of what was ahead. So I started making her talk through what was ahead. "There is a hill coming...there is a turn coming...someone coming up from behind... etc.

One life-threatening aggravation was saying "yes" to questions when the answer was no. Do you know what the blind spot is? Yes. Well, she not only didn't know what it was, but even telling her was not enough. I had to go out and stand in the blind spot and ask "can you see me". Then explain I was in a spot where she could not see me. Do you see how the words mean what they say honey? Before that demonstration they might as well have been random letters.

Just because you had the good fortune of transitioning well into driving doesn't give you the right to condemn your spouse. Learning to drive from scratch is a huge learning curve and it's people like yourself who hamper the learning process. It appears that your wife didn't even know the basics before you started your 'lessons', and you, being the self-appointed 'teacher' ought to have ensured that she knows prior to taking the wheel. There's a reason why learners are required to take a permit exam before anything else. Did you even go through your state's driving manual with her before expecting her to know what a "blind spot" is? Teacher or not, if you can't emotionally handle instructing someone while she's handling 4000-lb killing machine, you should not be instructing at all. Period.

[Jon York 156]

That's right. They have almost zero experience in judging appropriate speed around corners, how to slip in to moving traffic, etc. I have been a teacher all my life and about the worst student I ever had was my wife. Wives will accept instruction from a driving instructor and respect his judgment. But what a husband says is more like a suggestion to them that they feel perfectly justified in ignoring. My wife nearly killed us twice by happily ignoring my instruction to stop.

A wife ignores a life-saving instruction from the husband, which results in the husband needing to increase the volume and severity of the instruction, which results in the wife getting angry about the husband raising his voice instead of focusing on the cement truck about to hit the car. What we did was agree to have the wife say she was putting her bad attitude aside and accepting instruction immediately before every lesson. Then as we drove down the driveway I would tell her to stop, slow down, put the left turn signal on, or whatever to test if she did what she was told immediately instead of thinking it over and deciding whether to do as asked. If she did not follow the instruction immediately, the lesson was over for the day. Usually I would have her turn right out of the driveway, but I would mix it up and have her turn left. Sure enough, she would say "OK" but not follow the instruction when it was to turn left.

Getting her to think ahead and look down the road was a nightmare. 20 miles an hour uphill. 80 miles an hour downhill. Because she was not adjusting the floor pedal in anticipation of what was ahead. So I started making her talk through what was ahead. "There is a hill coming...there is a turn coming...someone coming up from behind... etc.

One life-threatening aggravation was saying "yes" to questions when the answer was no. Do you know what the blind spot is? Yes. Well, she not only didn't know what it was, but even telling her was not enough. I had to go out and stand in the blind spot and ask "can you see me". Then explain I was in a spot where she could not see me. Do you see how the words mean what they say honey? Before that demonstration they might as well have been random letters.

OMG! What a nightmare! And I can relate to some of what you said. I think not growing up around cars makes it very difficult for them to even comprehend the most basic things that we take for granted.

[Jon York 156]

hobbit I don't think he gave enough information in his post for you to be able to accuse him of doing anything wrong. Did he say he didn't comply with state laws? No! Did he say he hadn't taught her the basics before getting into the car? No! He didn't even touch on those subjects. So why would you jump all over him for something you're just speculating on? At least ask first!

Edited February 21, 2014 by Jon York

[OnMyWayID 1,489]

My wife had never driven a vehicle before coming here.. She learned to drive with relatively few issues - If at all possible I would recommend not trying to teach him/her yourself (I was always in a near panic). We have had once incident: She hit a parked car in a parking lot and left the scene. We purchased a new car for her to drive but she prefers the SUV we use for carting the dogs around, says she does not feel safe driving the new car because its too close to the ground.

Edited February 21, 2014 by OnMyWayID

[hobbit 10]

hobbit I don't think he gave enough information in his post for you to be able to accuse him of doing anything wrong. Did he say he didn't comply with state laws? No! Did he say he hadn't taught her the basics before getting into the car? No! He didn't even touch on those subjects. So why would you jump all over him for something you're just speculating on? At least ask first!

Hi Jon York,

My reply to rlogan was basically to remind him of the difficulties new drivers face, and anyone who would like to teach them better do so properly. Based on the tone of his posting, it sounds as if he is blaming his wife entirely for not driving as well as he thinks she should. I am not jumping all over him for nothing- he definitely has a right of reply. I'm not from the 'Third World' but as a learner driver myself, I find that the attitude portrayed in rlogan's posting to be very unhelpful, and I'm not surprised that his wife does not cooperate with him. Am I speculating? Perhaps, because I know what it's like to attempt to learn from someone way more experienced who cannot relate to my inexperience. The kind of conditions people learnt to drive under in the 1970s aren't the same now, so you can't just tell a learner driver XYZ and think they'd process it the same way you did from your parents. If someone can't handle the stress and anxiety of teaching a learner driver, it's best to hire someone to be their guinea pig on the freeway.

[ChelseaKate 3]

That's right. They have almost zero experience in judging appropriate speed around corners, how to slip in to moving traffic, etc. I have been a teacher all my life and about the worst student I ever had was my wife. Wives will accept instruction from a driving instructor and respect his judgment. But what a husband says is more like a suggestion to them that they feel perfectly justified in ignoring. My wife nearly killed us twice by happily ignoring my instruction to stop.

A wife ignores a life-saving instruction from the husband, which results in the husband needing to increase the volume and severity of the instruction, which results in the wife getting angry about the husband raising his voice instead of focusing on the cement truck about to hit the car. What we did was agree to have the wife say she was putting her bad attitude aside and accepting instruction immediately before every lesson. Then as we drove down the driveway I would tell her to stop, slow down, put the left turn signal on, or whatever to test if she did what she was told immediately instead of thinking it over and deciding whether to do as asked. If she did not follow the instruction immediately, the lesson was over for the day. Usually I would have her turn right out of the driveway, but I would mix it up and have her turn left. Sure enough, she would say "OK" but not follow the instruction when it was to turn left.

Getting her to think ahead and look down the road was a nightmare. 20 miles an hour uphill. 80 miles an hour downhill. Because she was not adjusting the floor pedal in anticipation of what was ahead. So I started making her talk through what was ahead. "There is a hill coming...there is a turn coming...someone coming up from behind... etc.

One life-threatening aggravation was saying "yes" to questions when the answer was no. Do you know what the blind spot is? Yes. Well, she not only didn't know what it was, but even telling her was not enough. I had to go out and stand in the blind spot and ask "can you see me". Then explain I was in a spot where she could not see me. Do you see how the words mean what they say honey? Before that demonstration they might as well have been random letters.

I think you need to be patient with your wife. I have never driven all my life when I came here but my husband taught me how to drive. It was very scary getting into the driver's sit for the first time! I was so scared that I get confused when my husband instructs me to do something. But his patience paid off after I got my driver's license. He helped me build my confidence. He's aware that this is new to me so he explained everything slowly until I'm confident enough to do it. It's sad when you say that you have been a teacher all your life but don't know how to deal with a new learner. Cheer up, man! Be patient!

[li_09 40]

It was so difficult for me to learn how to drive in America because in my country we drive on the opposite side of the road so when I was indicating to turn I would turn on the wipers instead. It was a complete NIGHTMARE!! Had two lessons then gave up. I lived in America for 9 months and only drove twice. Once my husband had to leave for 10 days for work and I had to walk everywhere those 10 days because I couldn't drive

He said that when I go back this time, no excuses I'm learning to drive in America because we have a son now and I can't 'walk everywhere' with him. Ughh just thinking about it makes me so scared already lol

[Jon York 156]

Shouldn't you first let her be a passenger for a LONG time just to get comfortable in a car before plunging her into driver's ed? And let her experience roads and traffic signals and speed limit signs as an observer before studying rule books online? Let her ease into a new culture slowly, baby steps, or she will become overwhelmed with the whole idea of coming here.

If somebody sent you a homemade video of the controls in the space shuttle, would it really help you that much? Would you be ready to jump in and fly it? I dunno...you're thinking like a man.

I totally agree with you Nich-Nick. That is my initial thought on the matter. Just let her ride with me for a long time and I'll tell her things about driving as we go. I think that is the best idea for starting off. Kind of mimicking the way we all learned to drive - watching our parents as kids.

And no, of course we couldn't fly a space shuttle by watching a video - but it would make it quicker for us to learn the space shuttle once we got there in person! For instance, I'm a (former) licensed pilot (small planes), and it's amazing what you can learn and understand by flying flight simulators on your computer. You can really learn all the key concepts and if you use a flight sim for a long time before you take your first actual lesson - that lesson will go far better than if you hadn't.

Edited February 23, 2014 by Jon York

[Jon York 156]

Hi Jon York,

My reply to rlogan was basically to remind him of the difficulties new drivers face, and anyone who would like to teach them better do so properly. Based on the tone of his posting, it sounds as if he is blaming his wife entirely for not driving as well as he thinks she should. I am not jumping all over him for nothing- he definitely has a right of reply. I'm not from the 'Third World' but as a learner driver myself, I find that the attitude portrayed in rlogan's posting to be very unhelpful, and I'm not surprised that his wife does not cooperate with him. Am I speculating? Perhaps, because I know what it's like to attempt to learn from someone way more experienced who cannot relate to my inexperience. The kind of conditions people learnt to drive under in the 1970s aren't the same now, so you can't just tell a learner driver XYZ and think they'd process it the same way you did from your parents. If someone can't handle the stress and anxiety of teaching a learner driver, it's best to hire someone to be their guinea pig on the freeway.

I understand where you're coming from. Hey may have put too much pressure on her or been too impatient. But how could we know either way? It sounded like perhaps he might have been. But we don't know what happened leading up to the point he related in his story. They may have gone over this stuff time and time again and she may have taken driving lessons and may have driven enough on short neighborhood trips that anyone would have thought she would be getting these things by now. I don't know... I'll give him the benefit of the doubt though. But I hear you.

[Jon York 156]

I think you need to be patient with your wife. I have never driven all my life when I came here but my husband taught me how to drive. It was very scary getting into the driver's sit for the first time! I was so scared that I get confused when my husband instructs me to do something. But his patience paid off after I got my driver's license. He helped me build my confidence. He's aware that this is new to me so he explained everything slowly until I'm confident enough to do it. It's sad when you say that you have been a teacher all your life but don't know how to deal with a new learner. Cheer up, man! Be patient!

So I'm curious... did your husband let you ride in the car as a passenger for a long time before you got into the driver's seat the first time? Did he explain things to you as he was driving?

I'm lucky because I just got a new car recently and a lot of the controls and such aren't where they were in my last car! I find myself fumbling around sometimes looking for the right switch. So it'll be fresh in my mind that there's a lot going on in a car besides just driving and I can believe it must seem enormously complex to someone who's rarely ridden in a car, much less never driven one.

I feel like I got most of my "feel" for the road and traffic, growing up with my parents driving. I just wonder if someone can get that in a few months after they arrive if I drive her around a lot and talk to her about what the types of things I'm looking out for while driving.