Dealing with in-laws...is honesty the best policy?

[hobbit 10]

My apologies as after I posted my comment I looked at your timeline and noticed you have only been in the US since last November. Honestly, there is just no easy way to get through living temporarily with a family member or friend. It's just not an ideal situation. Your comment about making the best of it is about all you can do. Even if they have the kindest demeanor, are very tolerant, and prone not to be impatient, it will still make things uncomfortable after a few days. I think it was Benjamin Franklin who said: "Fish and guests smell after three days."

You're in luck though as it's temporary. It won't be too long before you are legal to drive and will not have to be under the thumb of another family member.

Thanks CNTrav. I have gotten semi-used to the cat rulers of the house, and as ironic as it sounds, my sister-in-law and her husband are extremely laid-back people. They are used to people staying over from his son to his Rain Man-like pseudo-friend from the UK. I'm taking it a day at a time, but to spend even another week here would be trying. I think it would help more if I had friends to go out and meet but I don't. Not that that's a problem, just one of the reasons why I feel the way I do.

[emerald04 3]

I think any excuse will be interpreted as being rude. If someone were to stay with me and didn't, I would wonder why. Since you need a good relationship with your inlaws, suck it up and don't make the same commitment to stay next time by agreeing to stay there Now that you know how to use public transportation, stay on campus and busy most days. (No, I don't have cats, but I have slept places in Haiti and Kenya I wouldn't say were great conditions but I was polite and my hosts never knew how I felt. Their feelings matter more than my being uncomfortable).

[Jon York 156]

You absolutely cannot tell them you hate the cats! You really have to be careful what you say here because if they take it the wrong way, it could poison your relationship with them for the rest of your life.

If you tell them you want to go home to sleep in your own bed - they'll probably hear that and understand what you really mean. Which is - I hate your place now that I've stayed here for a while, I think it's a trashy cat-infested hut and I think you're trashy too! So I wouldn't say that.

Why don't you just tell them you've found out you can do your classes online so you don't need the transportation anymore and you want to get out of their way so they can return to their normal lives?

The bottom line seems to be that you don't fit in with them and you don't really think as highly of them after living with them. So you're going to have to be really careful not to let that come across - not even in the most subtle of ways. Like when your sister in law said "Oh!" when you told her where you shop for groceries. Something that subtle could poison your relationship with them for years. And that won't be a good thing at all for you and your husband.

If for some reason they insist that you stay and say they don't mind at all - then just stick it out and be kind and gracious to them. It's only two more weeks for crying out loud!

By the way, I've had cats all my life. And they've sat everywhere. Kitchen counters, bathroom counters, everywhere. And never have I or anyone who has been in my home gotten sick from it. So keep that in mind. Maybe it'll make the cats a little easier to take. I know it seems dirty, but in the end no one is ever hurt from it.

Edited February 5, 2014 by Jon York

[hobbit 10]

You absolutely cannot tell them you hate the cats! You really have to be careful what you say here because if they take it the wrong way, it could poison your relationship with them for the rest of your life.

If you tell them you want to go home to sleep in your own bed - they'll probably hear that and understand what you really mean. Which is - I hate your place now that I've stayed here for a while, I think it's a trashy cat-infested hut and I think you're trashy too! So I wouldn't say that.

Why don't you just tell them you've found out you can do your classes online so you don't need the transportation anymore and you want to get out of their way so they can return to their normal lives?

The bottom line seems to be that you don't fit in with them and you don't really think as highly of them after living with them. So you're going to have to be really careful not to let that come across - not even in the most subtle of ways. Like when your sister in law said "Oh!" when you told her where you shop for groceries. Something that subtle could poison your relationship with them for years. And that won't be a good thing at all for you and your husband.

If for some reason they insist that you stay and say they don't mind at all - then just stick it out and be kind and gracious to them. It's only two more weeks for crying out loud!

By the way, I've had cats all my life. And they've sat everywhere. Kitchen counters, bathroom counters, everywhere. And never have I or anyone who has been in my home gotten sick from it. So keep that in mind. Maybe it'll make the cats a little easier to take. I know it seems dirty, but in the end no one is ever hurt from it.

Hi Jon York, they know my online coursework has been ongoing, so it's not like I found out about it or anything like that. I do have an acquaintance in the district I live in who sympathizes with my situation and has offered to hang out. So it's not like I won't have any human contact for days. However, I do not want to tell my sister-in-law that as it's akin to saying: "Well, I've got someone else and so I don't need you". Besides school, my lack of ability of drive also meant not being able to travel to get groceries etc. Basically, they insisted that I stay with them because of these several reasons. However, I'm sure there's a way of working things out from my own place, and am coming to a compromise of sorts....

I think any excuse will be interpreted as being rude. If someone were to stay with me and didn't, I would wonder why. Since you need a good relationship with your inlaws, suck it up and don't make the same commitment to stay next time by agreeing to stay there Now that you know how to use public transportation, stay on campus and busy most days. (No, I don't have cats, but I have slept places in Haiti and Kenya I wouldn't say were great conditions but I was polite and my hosts never knew how I felt. Their feelings matter more than my being uncomfortable).

Hi emerald04, I agree with you about how any excuse can be construed as being rude. Honestly, between my husband and I, I am the more diplomatic one while he hardly thinks about how the other person would respond or feel. Unless it's his colleagues, then yes, he writes down what he wants to say in advance! So, this explains why I actually agonise over what to tell his sister, because he probably wouldn't. He tells me he doesn't care if his sister is sensitive, and it's "up to you"...but that doesn't help!

[Wyld Blu 35]

You will run into many difficult discussions in your life. You strike me as a young woman away from your family for the first time (forgive me if I am wrong). However, you are a woman, and with that, you need to be able to have these difficult discussions. There is nothing wrong with saying you need your own space, that you want to work on things in your house, that you miss your own bed, or just frankly that you want to be in your own place. If you cannot muster up the courage to have that discussion, you have boxed yourself into a corner where your only choice is to stay with your inlaws for the remainder of the time. If you are truly uncomfortable there and want to be back at your place, then DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. Just TELL them.

[Cam54 84]

wipe the counters down with disinfectant before you cook, cats are actually very hygienic animals so get the 'cooties' mindset out of your head and that shouldn't be a problem anymore. Also her 'oh' to your trader joes comment was probably her thinking you were being a little snobby by you making a point about how you enjoy more expensive pizza than the one she provided you with. Everyone lives differently. ,my advice is suck it up, its only two weeks then just don't arrange to stay there again.

[hobbit 10]

You will run into many difficult discussions in your life. You strike me as a young woman away from your family for the first time (forgive me if I am wrong). However, you are a woman, and with that, you need to be able to have these difficult discussions. There is nothing wrong with saying you need your own space, that you want to work on things in your house, that you miss your own bed, or just frankly that you want to be in your own place. If you cannot muster up the courage to have that discussion, you have boxed yourself into a corner where your only choice is to stay with your inlaws for the remainder of the time. If you are truly uncomfortable there and want to be back at your place, then DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. Just TELL them.

My issue is not being away from family, it's that I'm a city slicker at heart, and appreciated the idea of getting around and being around noise. I do appreciate suburbia, but I miss the interactions I used to have. So I moved into my sis-in-law's, and it was on the other extreme end of the spectrum- sharing public transport with dubious-looking transient folks was sensory overload! I did come up with a diplomatic excuse to move back home, and really appreciate that I had a choice, unlike a lot of homeless people I saw downtown. I guess part of my reluctance to tell them how I really felt stems from my inexperience at these kinds of matters. Growing up as a child in an abusive environment, people at home never failed to show what they really thought or said in the worst of ways, and I never wanted to be anything like them. On the other hand, I can get really worked up but just do not want any party to feel hurt, especially if they have been nice to me. On the bright side, I'm glad to be back home, and that I found a way around my situation.

[hobbit 10]

wipe the counters down with disinfectant before you cook, cats are actually very hygienic animals so get the 'cooties' mindset out of your head and that shouldn't be a problem anymore. Also her 'oh' to your trader joes comment was probably her thinking you were being a little snobby by you making a point about how you enjoy more expensive pizza than the one she provided you with. Everyone lives differently. ,my advice is suck it up, its only two weeks then just don't arrange to stay there again.

I agree that generally, cats are pretty clean. However, and I think I may have failed to mention this, the cats at my sis-in-law's were coming and going in and out of the house- backyard, porch, garage etc., and other cats from the neighborhood would come by too for a free meal. So goodness knows what they brought in with them. If the cats had left me alone, I think I would have found it easier, but they were walking across the keys on my laptop and I hated to think of what was on their paws! I've been doing laundry since I've moved back into my own place, and still find cat hair on my clothes after they've gone through the washer! Back in Singapore, my aunt keeps a cat in our apartment, but she's sequestered so I never noticed the extent of a cat's existence in a place like my sis-in-law's. At least now I know that my husband and I will not be getting any pets!

And yes, I do know everyone lives their own lifestyle. My in-laws' lifestyle never bothered me until I actually moved in. They are who they are, and I accept that. At least I made sure to leave a good impression as an appreciative houseguest, and never said anything negative.

[Cathi 5,784]

You absolutely cannot tell them you hate the cats! You really have to be careful what you say here because if they take it the wrong way, it could poison your relationship with them for the rest of your life.

If you tell them you want to go home to sleep in your own bed - they'll probably hear that and understand what you really mean. Which is - I hate your place now that I've stayed here for a while, I think it's a trashy cat-infested hut and I think you're trashy too! So I wouldn't say that.

Why don't you just tell them you've found out you can do your classes online so you don't need the transportation anymore and you want to get out of their way so they can return to their normal lives?

The bottom line seems to be that you don't fit in with them and you don't really think as highly of them after living with them. So you're going to have to be really careful not to let that come across - not even in the most subtle of ways. Like when your sister in law said "Oh!" when you told her where you shop for groceries. Something that subtle could poison your relationship with them for years. And that won't be a good thing at all for you and your husband.

If for some reason they insist that you stay and say they don't mind at all - then just stick it out and be kind and gracious to them. It's only two more weeks for crying out loud!

By the way, I've had cats all my life. And they've sat everywhere. Kitchen counters, bathroom counters, everywhere. And never have I or anyone who has been in my home gotten sick from it. So keep that in mind. Maybe it'll make the cats a little easier to take. I know it seems dirty, but in the end no one is ever hurt from it.

There is nothing wrong in being honest, she doesn't like cats, why should she lie about it?

[hobbit 10]

I don't mean to resurrect this thread but I don't have anyone else to turn to, except for my husband who's asleep halfway across the world. I don't intend to blow anything out of proportion, but my instincts tell me something's up..

So I'm back at my place, and my sister-in-law is supposed to tell up later to drive me to the PD for some academy classes we signed up together. There's still some issues with her registration for the class, and so it's pretty 50-50 whether or not she'll get in. Regardless, she volunteered last week to drive to my place and drive me to the PD, and she did not even say that in passing. She said, “So if I'm going to the class, we can just go in together, but if not, I'll hang out at the house and pick you up afterwards. Then we'll drive back and I could just head to work from the house instead of driving all the way back to my place”- and even before I last saw her on Friday, she reiterated the same thing. Weird thing is, this morning I woke up to a text which said, “Pick you up, or are you taking a cab?” So I don't understand why she'd assume I think of taking a cab when she's already said she'd be here.

This got me thinking about how she also forgot that I planned to have breakfast together at Wafflehouse on Friday morning (to thank her for having me at her home, and also because I know she loves Wafflehouse). I'd told her the previous night, and she agreed! So when I was all prepared to go on Friday, “Hungry for Wafflehouse?” She seemed surprised, “Oh, you want to eat at Wafflehouse?” And I replied awkwardly, “Er...yes” and she's like, “Ok, we'll go to Wafflehouse.” Everything was normal, and then I receive her text today and it's reminding me of a pattern of selective amnesia? I don't know, she didn't even try my baked cod even though she kept on saying she'd have it with her husband, but neither of them did, and I didn't want to appear pushy so I let it go. I even brought home fresh pizza from campus and they didn't want any cos they had frozen pizza heating in the oven. I graciously eat whatever food they offer (even just a small helping), and don't think I've stepped on anyone's toes. If my husband takes them to a burger joint, they'd go, and when we have holiday get-togethers like Thanksgiving and Christmas, they will eat whatever we've cooked. But when it's something that I bring or make on my own, it's conveniently forgotten, and this seems to extend to other aspects now. Is this even considered normal in-law behavior? Or a pattern of passive aggression? Any thoughts?

[yellowlovesgray 4]

Edited

Duh - I just read your last response and see you are home now.

Is there any way you can stop your dependence on them for transportation? I'm with you on your instincts, something doesn't seem right. Is taking a cab or public transportation an option? It sounds like she feels resentful for feeling obligated to take you. I'd just try and stop relying on her altogether. Maybe say "Thank you so much for your kindness but I don't want to be a burden" and then just find your own way to school, etc. if it's possible.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

Edited February 12, 2014 by yellowlovesgray

[Merrytooth 5,748]

Hello Hobbit, please toughen up and be more independent and self-reliant (my survival tips)

[hobbit 10]

Since my sister-in-law expressed interest in the classes, I thought she and I would go together, and she said so too! It didn't hurt to think I didn't have to worry about transport plans. And I have always been optimistic about her getting accepted into the class, so I never thought of going it alone , including the part about getting there. My issue is, I don't understand why she couldn't just text to tell me to take a cab if she'd change her mind about picking me up. It's just that if someone insisted and kept on reiterating that they'd like me to move in with them and offer me a ride since the idea was to go together, how does that make me less independent or self-reliant? I can definitely call a cab, and if I'm attending the class on my own, I definitely do not want to trouble her. My only limitation is that I can't drive, and I'm overcoming that. I don't understand what's the issue since our relationship has always been good.

[Merrytooth 5,748]

:Sigh: You know, no expectations no disappointments.

Your SIL could just be nice/polite with no true intention to carry out her plans at all.

Next time, make your own plan, exclude your SIL from the picture since she is not reliable.

You don't have to hang out with her. Just be cordial will do.

You can't force a close relationship with her if she doesn't see it the same way as you are.

[*Snowdrop* 604]

Re your questions on whether your SIL's behavior is normal in-law behavior - there's no such thing as normal behavior in families - it can depend a little on cultural norms (I think that might be what you are asking) and it depends mostly on the individual person.

I'm British but from the last seven years living in the US I would say that flakiness and not remembering commitments, or remembering to eat food prepared by your relatives is not a cultural norm in the US. People over here are generally very polite and very good at fulfilling commitments.

But you have to take different people's personalities into account.

For you, unless your husband has a particular opinion on this, it's too early for you to tell whether your SIL's behavior (her flaky memory over commitments etc) is just how she is or whether it's about you.

Time will tell.

Until then, don't rely on her, always have a plan B.

But my advice for now is not to confront her, or snub her, or fall out over this. It just might be the way she is built and so eventually you might just learn to deal with it and not take it personally.

If over time you observe that this behavior is just targeted to you, well then you can make a decision how to respond. But don't burn any bridges before you are sure.