New Years Resolutions for 2007

[Marilyn. 340]

This year, I resolve to:

Always replace the gas nozzle before driving away from the pump.

I will always "check for paper" before leaving the restroom.

I will try to drive closer to the speed limit.

I will always wear clean underwear, "just in case".

I will keep an extra safe distance when driving behind police cars.

I will no longer park the BMW next to fire hydrants.

and never again will I try to diffuse an explosive device with a known practical joker.

[Marilyn. 340]

Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year and yet you never keep them?

Here are some resolutions that you can actually accomplish!

27. Get in a whole NEW rut!

26. Spend your summer vacation in Cyberspace.

25. Don't eat cloned meat.

24. Create loose ends.

23. Get more toys.

22. Get further in debt.

21. Don't believe politicians.

20. Break at least one traffic law.

19. Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet.

18. Don't swim with piranhas or sharks.

17. Spread out priorities beyond ability to keep track of them.

16. Wait around for opportunity.

15. Focus on the faults of others.

14. Mope about faults.

13. Play more computer games. (Scientists say they're good for you and improve your visual skills. But you always knew that.)

12. Eat more nice things like candy, Big Macs, popcorn and ice cream. (Eat less ####### like fresh fruit, vegetables and soy nuts.)

11. Read less. (A little learning is a dangerous thing. Too much of it can really wreck your head.)

10. I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds. (Didn't your mom always say you were bit skinny.)

9. Stop exercising. Waste of time. (Too much is bad for your health, it can even kill you.}

8. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff. ( It's very educational.)

7. Procrastinate more. (Starting tomorrow.)

6. Drink. Drink some more. (Wasn't it Benjamin Franklin who said, beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. So be happy.)

5. Start being superstitious.

4. Spend more time at work.

3. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.

2. Take up a new habit: maybe smoking! (it will help tobacco workers keep their jobs.)

and last but not least...

1. Never make New Year's resolutions again

Edited December 29, 2006 by MarilynP

[Marilyn. 340]

The New Years Resolutions That You Need To Make

By Dennis Coleman

Since so many of were grateful that I took the time to come up with New Years Resolutions for you last year, I have again taken the time to help you to have a better year.

1. If you haven’t quite figured out the “self-check out” line, please stay out of it. It’s not just that my milk turned sour once while I was waiting, it’s just so painful to watch you not get it. I would also avoid trying Rubik’s cube if I were you.

2. When you forward those really funny e-mails to everyone you know, try deleting 10 or 12 of the other forwarded levels first. By the time I get to the funny part, I’m too cranky to enjoy it.

3. When you’re getting gas at one of those places that has the little market inside, you might consider getting the gas first, parking, and then going in the store. That would be more thoughtful than hogging up a gas pump while you order a sandwich, fix your coffee, and use the restroom.

4. If you are one of those people that always lets your cell phone calls go right to message, try not to look at the name, and then ignore it while making a face. When you do this around other people, it makes us feel insecure.

5. If you want to park crooked and take up two spaces so that your car doesn’t get dinged, park at the extreme end of the parking lot. If it’s not worth the longer walk, then your car isn’t that cool anyway. (By the way, the rest of us spit on your car when you do this).

6. If you are a fan of any of the Philadelphia sports teams, root for a different team next season. Pick one that wins sometimes. It will be a lot better for your well-being, and the rest of us won’t have to deal with your depression. It’s just too hard to watch you suffer so.

7. Try to avoid using the phrase “It’s the thought that counts”. It’s not. It’s the actual act that counts. It should be O.K. to tell somebody about it when they give crappy gifts. Maybe they’ll get better at it.

8. When you decide to drink too much, try to remember to stand more than three inches from people when you talk to them. Also, obey the “Don’t drink and dial” rule. Nobody looks forward to your three a.m. phone calls that start with “I love you, man…”

9. Improve your driving manners. It is not mandatory to fill in any gap where your car will fit. Sometimes people prefer more than two feet between their bumper and yours.

10. Don’t ask people to take part in your e-mail chain letters; at least not for free. These things are a real pain in the neck to complete, particularly for the people that don’t have the required ten friends.

Also, we will not begin to rot from the feet up for breaking the chain, and we all know that Bill Gates isn’t going to send us each a quarter for every e-mail. (Even if your buddy, the lawyer, says so).

So, if you want others to complete this task for you, include your Visa number, and a suggested amount.

http://www.authorsden.com/visit/viewarticl...;AuthorID=47430

[Marilyn. 340]

A Mother's Resolutions

1. When I forget to go to the grocery store, I will not boil the macaroni necklaces my children made for me in preschool.

2. When I hear one of my children wake in the middle of the night, I will run upstairs to supervise before he relieves himself in the sink and then creeps into the bathtub to return to sleep.

3. I will pack the kids' lunch boxes the night before so I don't throw in a slab of frozen lasagna as they're running for the bus. "It'll defrost by lunch. If not, you can suck it like an ice pop."

4. I will resist the urge to explain to strangers why my son is wearing winter boots, a bathing suit bottom, and an inside-out and backward pajama top. I will be grateful that he is able to dress himself.

5. I will not tell my children that the Play-Doh dried up just because I don't feel like cleaning up after they use it, even though I know it means I'll spend the evening harvesting the colored stuff from the carpet fibers, chair cushions and the dog's fur.

6. I will always protect the rights of my children, especially their right to remain silent.

7. I will learn to accept the outbursts and tantrums as a part of life. After all, I promised to love my husband for better or worse.

8. When my husband and I go to a restaurant without the kids, I will not roll up his sleeves or move the knives from his reach. I will not accompany him to the bathroom and remind him to wash his hands with soap. If my husband wants dessert at the end of the meal, I will not tell him it depends on his behavior.

9. When I'm tired of hearing "mommieeeeee!" a thousand times each day, I will resist changing my name to "Please pass the spinach" or "TV is boring, I'd rather read."

10. I will develop an ability to have a conversation with an adult that doesn't revolve around labor pains or children's toilet habits. I will feel comfortable in the silence that ensues when neither of us can think of any other topic to discuss or remember we can always discuss the weather.

11. I will be more flexible about children's nutritional requirements by counting the ketchup and green crayon as vegetables.

12. When my children beg for a pet, I will buy them each a hutch for the dust bunnies that have multiplied under their beds. I will let them name each dust bunny.

13. I will count how often I repeat the phrase "You'd better listen because I will not repeat myself", until my children actually notice that I have spoken. I will not raise my voice until I have said it at least that many times.

14. When my kids are older (at least 50), I will explain why they never have any chocolate candy left after Mommy and Daddy "check" their Halloween bags.

15. I will be a good, fair and loving parent to my children. I will provide them with enriching experiences and opportunities. I will give them a solid foundation on which to build a useful life. After all, they may eventually be responsible for choosing a nursing home for me to live out my final days.

[Marilyn. 340]

New Year's Internet Resolutions

I will try to figure out why I "really" need 7 e-mail addresses.

I will stop sending e-mail to my wife or hubby.

I resolve to work with neglected children...my own.

I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail.

I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet.

When I hear "Where do you want to go today?" I won't reply "MS Tech Support."

I will read the manual.

I will think of a password other than "password."

I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning.

Edited December 29, 2006 by MarilynP

[Marilyn. 340]

Dog's New Years Resolutions:

1. I will not play tug-of-war with Daddy's underwear when he's on the can.

2. I will remember the garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.

3. I will not suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

4. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.

5. I will shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.

6. I will not eat the cat's food, before, or after, he eats it.

7. I will stop trying to find new places on the carpet when I am about to throw up.

8. I will not throw up in the car.

9. I will not roll on dead things.

10. I will stop considering the cat's litter box as a cookie jar.

11. I will not wake up Mommy by putting my cold, wet nose up her bottom end.

12 . I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.

13. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think that I am hemorrhaging.

14. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.

15. I will not drop soggy tennis balls in the underwear of anyone who is sitting on the can.

16. We do not have a doorbell. Therefore, I will not bark each time I hear one on the television.

17. I will not steal my Mommy's underwear out of the laundry basket and then dance all over the back yard with them.

18. I will remember the sofa is not a face towel and neither are Mommy's & Daddy's laps.

19. I will remember my head does not belong in the refrigerator.

20. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mommy's driver's license and car registration.

[Marilyn. 340]

New Years Resolutions for CATS

Well, it’s a new year and like my human counterpart, I’ve made some resolutions. (May I be forced to roll around in catnip all day long if I stray one iota!)

1. I will remember that some of my humans possessions are NOT toys. (Oops! Caught me!)

2. I will pay attention to my owner at all times, not just before a meal.

3. I will eat whenever I am hungry, heartily and without guilt, until I am full. When finished, I will lick my chops grandly to indicate that indeed that was the finest meal I have ever tasted.

4. I will play with passion. I will rip my toys into shreds whenever possible. I will lose many of them under the sofa. I will also spend many hours and gain much enjoyment from the boxes they come in.

5. I will (almost) always use the litter box and not the house plants.

6. I will only scratch designated scratching posts.

7. I will avoid territorial disputes with other cats. (whenever possible)

8. I will not play Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti over any humans' bed while they're trying to sleep.

9. I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry , or else one of these days, it will really come true.

10. I will remember computer and TV screens do not exist to back-light my lovely tail.

11. I will only regurgitate food and fur-balls on a tiled surface.

12. I will sleep as much as possible each and every day. The importance of this cannot be overestimated.

13. I will not wake before dawn to play games that require my humans participation, and then incessantly request their presence.

14. I will forget all the above and just BE MYSELF!

15. Lastly, I vow never again to waste precious nap time making New Years resolutions. This delusional practice is better left to humans. We cats have 9 lives to live, thank you very much!

********************************

More Cat Resolutions

# I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium.

# I must not help myself to Q-tips, and I must certainly not proceed to stuff them down the sink's drain.

# I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and puke them up so the humans can see that I'm getting plenty of roughage.

# I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur.)

# I will not fish out my human's partial plate from the glass so that the dog can "wear" it and pretend to be my human. (It is somewhat unnerving to wake up, roll over in bed, and see the dog grinning at you with your own teeth.)

# I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks.

# I will not drag dirty socks up from the basement in the middle of the night, deposit them on the bed and yell at the top of my lungs (Burmese LOUD yowling) so that my human can admire my "kill."

# I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the night and stare into her eyes until she wakes up.

# We will not play Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti over any human's bed while they're trying to sleep.

# Screaming at the can of food will not make it open itself.

# I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing again.

# I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.

# I will not back up off the front porch and fall into the bushes just as my human is explaining to his girlfriend how graceful I am.

# I will not complain that my bottom is wet and that I am thirsty after sitting in my water bowl.

# I will not intrude on my human's candle-lit bubble bath and singe my bottom.

# I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my human has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur.

# If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.

# It is not a good idea to try to lap up the powdered creamer before it dissolves in boiling coffee.

# When I am chasing my tail and catch my back leg instead, I will not bite down on my foot. This hurts, and my scream scares my human.

# When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house. It is not necessary to check every door.

# Birds do not come from the bird feeder. I will not knock it down and try to open it up to get the birds out.

# I will not stuff my rather large self into the rather small bird feeder (with my tail hanging out one side) and expect the birds to just fly in.

# I will not teach the parrot to meow in a loud and raucous manner.

# The dog can see me coming when I stalk her. She can see me and will move out of the way when I pounce, letting me smash into floors and walls. That does not mean I should take it as a personal insult when my humans sit there and laugh.

# Yes, there are still two very large dogs in the backyard. There have been for several years. I don't have to act as if I've just discovered the Demon Horror of the Universe each time one of them appears in my window.

# I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will really come true.

# When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them.

# I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when she's on the family room floor trying to do sit ups.

# When my human is typing at the computer, her forearms are *not* a hammock.

# I am a walking static generator. My human doesn't need my help installing a new board in her computer.

# I will not bring the city police to the front door by stepping on the speaker phone button and then the automatic 911 dial button.

# I will not speed dial the overseas numbers.

# I will not walk on the keyboard when my human is writing important emiognaioerp ga3qi4 taija3tgv aa35 a.

# Any critter that lives in the house (hamsters), stay in the house and any wild critters (frogs and earthworms) stay outside. I am not allowed to set the hamster free in exchange for finding a frog to put in the fish tank.

# I will not stalk the deer in the apple orchard next door. They have sharp hooves and could hurt me if they weren't laughing so hard.

# I will not watch the guinea pig constantly as the guinea pig likes to sleep once in a while.

# The goldfish likes living in water and should be allowed to remain in its bowl.

# I will not put a live mole in my food bowl and expect it to stay there until I get hungry.

# I will not eat spider plants and hallucinate behind the toilet.

# I will not drag the magnets (and the papers they are holding up) off of the refrigerator and then bat them underneath it so that they adhere to the underside.

# I will learn to relax at the vet's office so they will start writing things in my records like "Good Kitty" and "Sweet Kitty" instead of the stuff that's there now like "MEAN!!" "BITER!!!" and "GET HELP!!!!!"

# I will not be miffed at my human all day and then kiss her on the nose at 2:00 a.m. to tell her that she is forgiven and can now pet me.

# I will not scratch the children of lawyers, no matter how much they chase me or how hard they pull my tail.

# If I MUST claw my human, I will not do it in such a fashion that the scars resemble a botched suicide attempt.

# If I must give a present to my human's overnight guests, my toy mouse is much more socially acceptable than a big live cockroach, even if it isn't as tasty.

# I will not soak my catnip toy in the water bowl to make tea. I will not get high and sit there drinking my tea and kneading the floor afterwards. I will not then get delusions of grandeur and make tea in the toilet bowl or the tub. And I will not try to make tea with used socks, dirty panties or hair scrunches when my humans take the catnip toy away from me.

# A warm pepperoni pizza is not a good place for a nap.

[Marilyn. 340]

Funny New Year's Resolutions

* Start buying lottery tickets at a luckier store.

* Remember to brush teeth with bristly end of toothbrush.

* Don't eat medicine just because it looks like candy.

* Learn what the hell "resolution" means.

* Always replace the gas nozzle before driving away from the pump.

[Marilyn. 340]

A young man at a New Year’s party turns to his friend and asks for a cigarette.

"I thought you made a New Year’s resolution to quit smoking,'"his friend says.

"I'm in the process of quitting," the man says. "Right now, I am in the middle of phase one."

"What's phase one?"

"I've quit buying."

**********************************

Some Signs That You're At A Lame New Year's Eve Party

1. To give it a Times Square feel, everyone is groped, fondled and pick-pocketed

2. The 'Party Hats' look suspiciously like stolen traffic cones

3. There's a "Happy 1995" sticker on the packete of shrimp you've been eating all night

4. It's January 6th

5. Prison regulations require lights out at 10:00 pm

6. The guests have decided to start the midnight countdown at 10,000

7. At midnight everyone gathers around to watch your Uncle Earl's pants drop

8. You hear a guy doing a count down before using the bathroom

9. The 'Champagne' tastes suspiciously like apple juice mixed with Alka Seltzer

[Sheriff Uling 3]

MarilynP - You are outta control and this is just what I needed to end my workday... A GOOD LAUGH!!! Happy New Years to you....

[babybunny 2]

Dog's New Years Resolutions:

3. I will not suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

my dog does this all the time.. he bangs his little head.. we are working on this one..

[JenT 0]

My daughter and I almost wet our pants laughing over the dog & cat resolutions... well done!!

Jen

[Marilyn. 340]

I can't take credit for this stuff..... i just find this stuff and post for you all