Should i divorce before ROC

[David & Diana R 1,005]

Sadly, I know I'm not wrong on this one, but I will be glad to find you studies while I'm at work tomorrow.

I've spent much of my post graduate career working with people with substance use problems. AA rarely works for the majority.

As I previously stated, I would encourage the OP to find a CBO to help her out, rather than focusing on the husband. We can both agree that the husband won't improve if he doesn't at least want to cut back or change his life in some way, shape or form.

Alcoholics cannot "cut back". You should know that. It's drink or not drink. There is no controlling the amount an alcoholic drinks. He or she may be able to cut back and maybe say I'm just drinking wine, or beer, no more hard stuff. Yeah right. That simply does not work.

[ShirahBet 42]

Alcoholics cannot "cut back". You should know that. It's drink or not drink. There is no controlling the amount an alcoholic drinks. He or she may be able to cut back and maybe say I'm just drinking wine, or beer, no more hard stuff. Yeah right. That simply does not work.

Take a look at Harm Reduction. It does work because there's tailored interventions to each person versus viewing addiction as a disease. Just because you don't know about something doesn't mean other modalities don't work.

However, this has gotten way off topic from the OP's original post. So if we want to continue to talk about her actual problem, then let's get back to it.

[spearmintz12 0]

spearmintz12 - they have groups that met who are the wives, son, daughter and other family members of an alcoholic, you have no power over this or him, save yourself, get out, only when he hits bottom (if he ever does) and realizes what he has lost is the ONLY chance he may do something, if not he has chosen to drink over you and everything else.

"Once a drunk always a drunk" is an expresion but so sadly very true. Take a hard close look at your future life with this, qagain this is not a battle that you can handle alone.

My prayers with you that you do what is best for you.

Thanks DN, yes i already take a look on the AA website and i knew i can't make him fully sober, and he always be like that. what i do want just make it honest, i still allow him to drink on weekend because impossible if he won't drink at all but i can't accept the lies and passed out like crazy for 2 days

Once again thank you for your support, i feel much better after all of you support and pray for me

[spearmintz12 0]

You just can control yourself, nobody and any thing around you. He has an addiction and WIthout treatment he will never get sober. Please you are smart how can you think just because he promises not to drink anymore he won't,please educate yourself about addiction.

I knew Sandranj, that i can't change him fully but i still hoping he just be honest and not drunk until passed out and do nothing, eat nothing. If he just drunk and talking bla bla i will just go to the other room, chat with my friends, to avoid my anger to him ( even now barely to piss like first time because not worth it spend my energy to him while he is drunk then remember nothing what i said )

i told him if he wants to drink that vodka, just be honest at least i can prepare myself not to get piss even i still hate it )

[David & Diana R 1,005]

Take a look at Harm Reduction. It does work because there's tailored interventions to each person versus viewing addiction as a disease. Just because you don't know about something doesn't mean other modalities don't work.

However, this has gotten way off topic from the OP's original post. So if we want to continue to talk about her actual problem, then let's get back to it.

I would say this entire conversation is moot as the "victim" in this case, sad to say does not understand alcoholism herself. Assuming this guy is an alcoholic of course only he can make that determination. You and I both know that an alcoholic can't just drink on weekends...

P.S. Please provide those studies on AA. I'd really like to read the study where you got the 70% recitivism rate from.

[ShirahBet 42]

I would say this entire conversation is moot as the "victim" in this case, sad to say does not understand alcoholism herself. Assuming this guy is an alcoholic of course only he can make that determination. You and I both know that an alcoholic can't just drink on weekends...

P.S. Please provide those studies on AA. I'd really like to read the study where you got the 70% recitivism rate from.

You and I both do not know the same things. I don't subscribe to the theory of addiction which you are perpetuating. I have gone through, read and put into practice for several years harm reduction with my clients and it is far more successful, less shame inducing, less guilt inducing than the modality which you are suggesting. And in between actually working, I am going through research articles for you.

The NIH has a study on their site that shows that people who attend 12 step one time a week only have a 50% chance of success after one year, indicating a high recidivism rate and after several years; those who don't go to 12 step have similar success rates. So, while it's not the 70% range I indicated last evening (although I'll find that article eventually in my files), it's not extraordinarily successful. It's just widely available.

That being said, I don't know that the "victim," which by the way using that term is quite patronizing, doesn't understand what her husband is going through. She may not know how to deal with it or how to find help, or even how to express her understanding of the situation, but to tell me what I do and don't know about her or any other situation that I don't have firsthand knowledge of is quite frankly, a little lame and a lot presumptuous.

I would much prefer to talk about the OP's original issue as this thread has been massively highjacked about something completely unrelated. When I originally posted, it was to suggest that there are other treatment options out there besides AA. Smart Recovery is one, it's free, it's easily accessible. It's based in actual therapeutic technique. It doesn't shame the person for drinking.

To the OP, just know there are options to help. Most people are easily offended if you talk to them about Alcoholics Anonymous because there's so much stigma about drinking and alcohol dependence or abuse. Having a different option that's not AA may help him to feel more comfortable. Or he may like the idea of AA. You never know.

[David & Diana R 1,005]

You and I both do not know the same things. I don't subscribe to the theory of addiction which you are perpetuating. I have gone through, read and put into practice for several years harm reduction with my clients and it is far more successful, less shame inducing, less guilt inducing than the modality which you are suggesting. And in between actually working, I am going through research articles for you.

The NIH has a study on their site that shows that people who attend 12 step one time a week only have a 50% chance of success after one year, indicating a high recidivism rate and after several years; those who don't go to 12 step have similar success rates. So, while it's not the 70% range I indicated last evening (although I'll find that article eventually in my files), it's not extraordinarily successful. It's just widely available.

That being said, I don't know that the "victim," which by the way using that term is quite patronizing, doesn't understand what her husband is going through. She may not know how to deal with it or how to find help, or even how to express her understanding of the situation, but to tell me what I do and don't know about her or any other situation that I don't have firsthand knowledge of is quite frankly, a little lame and a lot presumptuous.

I would much prefer to talk about the OP's original issue as this thread has been massively highjacked about something completely unrelated. When I originally posted, it was to suggest that there are other treatment options out there besides AA. Smart Recovery is one, it's free, it's easily accessible. It's based in actual therapeutic technique. It doesn't shame the person for drinking.

To the OP, just know there are options to help. Most people are easily offended if you talk to them about Alcoholics Anonymous because there's so much stigma about drinking and alcohol dependence or abuse. Having a different option that's not AA may help him to feel more comfortable. Or he may like the idea of AA. You never know.

You pose some really interesting stuff. You suggest that AA "shames" people about their drinking? That's just not true. And we're already down to 50%, that's a lot lower than the 70% you mentioned yesterday. But you will continue to look for the study that suggests a 70% rate? Yet the 50% sucess rate is based on just 1 meeting a week? That's pretty terrific! I challenge any therapist to beat those odds. But have you ever heard of "30 meetings in 30 days"? I am leaving this thread because you have gone totally off base. I just hope the original poster gets some help from Al Anon. She needs it.

Good day sir,

[TBoneTX 45,875]

The OP has been offered just about all the advice that this group can offer, and the thread is going off course, so this thread is closed. OP, when something significant happens, feel free to start a new thread.