Should i divorce before ROC

[David & Diana R 1,005]

Atleast hes not abusive to you so give him some more time, try to change him it seems like he needs needs ur help but if you've already seen somebody else then good luck with that1 but u really cant do ROC with new guy, all you will have to do is to prove rgr ur marriage was entered in a good faith

Good Luck

2 1/2 years is not enough time? Seriously?

Maam, you cannot change your husband, he has to want to change. Only he can make the change if he desires to get sober he should look into AA. There are daily meetings in virtually every city in America and it is free. There is no charge and AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) is the most sucessfull program out there, period. You should also look into Ala A Non, it's also free and can help direct you to avoid from enabling him.

Good luck and God Bless

[spearmintz12 0]

Many spouses blame themselves for their partner's drinking or feel guilty about it. Its not your fault he drinks, but somehow people get it in our heads if they had only done this or that, they wouldn't have drank. Or they blame themselves for their anger over the drinking and the destruction it causes in relationships. Al-anon may help you to come to grips with this. It may help you to see clearly through your anger. Helping you to let that anger go, which ever way you go in the future, divorce or staying should he get off the booze. I wouldn't assume this hasn't affected you, and talking with people who have been there, just might be part of your personal solution to getting better after this, regardless of what path you go forward with.

There's a big difference to admitting it to you, and really admitting it to himself and doing something about it, like going to AA. I've heard many alcoholics fall off the wagon even when they've chosen to get better. AA helps them get back on, and helps to give the tools and support to stay off drinking.

He always been like this but never tell me since the first day we met til i found out when i came here. Even the first year came and we had fought, he hit my head from the back and push me down, if only i lose my control, i could do anything harm.

I just thought he just drink occasionally just like others without getting too drunk. But yes i feel much better compare first year came here, i am able to control myself not too piss every single time and even can't cry anymore because i am used too now

Thanks for your support Caryh

[spearmintz12 0]

When it comes to addiction, she cannot change him, he has to want to change, he has to want to stop. He verbally abuses her when is id drinking, so yes he is abusing her. His excuse is that he was drunk and he won't do it again.

To the OP: just because he doesn't drink every day doesn't mean that he doesn't have a problem or isn't an alcoholic. When someone drinks to get drunk, cannot stop drinking once they start and they are hiding the drinking and lying about it he has a problem, he needs help. Unfortunately a lot of time alcoholics and addicts have to hit rock bottom before they are willing to ask or reach out for help. Does he have friends and family who can sit down with you and him and do an intervention, to convince him he needs to get help? That is something you should consider if possible. It's obvious you love him and you don't really want to divorce. I'm really not sure why you are even thinking about the potential of meeting a new man though, you need to figure out what's going on in your marriage before even considering a new man. A new man isn't going to solve anything.,

Thanks Mimolicious, yes i know it i can't change him fully sober, nobody does, but too see that he will go to rehab or AA, i am still not sure, because i always said that when he is sober, go to rehab or city centre for alcoholics and he said he has no time to take days off and i said it's free and has some meeting.

Sometimes i feel hopeless though. He has a son and he know that his dad has a problem and even talked with me to give me his support because he know his dad but he even can't help more than that to change him

No i wrote about new guy doesn't mean i already found the new one or getting to try to find, it just my thoughts if i am divorce him, and who knows i meet someone else and like you said, i don't really want to divorce or leaving him, not because i am afraid so but i still have faith that everything could be better, but sometimes i can't control what i am feeling when i see my husband just passed out almost all day on weekend and monday, that's all

Sue him for money? For what reason? You are not forced to stay in the marriage, you can leave him whenever you want.

Nope not for money, because he is not that rich, i just want to give him a lesson to be a respectful man and abuse my mental for this 2,5 years

[spearmintz12 0]

It may help you if you seek the help of Al-anon. It really doesn't seem you actually want to leave, I can't blame you really I stayed a lot longer then I ever should have with my ex even though I really should have.

But getting help for yourself is the first step to being able to make the right choice.

Thank you Ontarkie i just try to do my best as his wife, bad or good even still can't accept this one. Like my online friend said because her husband is an alcoholic too, that we can't trust them because they always lie and promise everything but nothing

I still have my faith to think not to divorce but if this happen, divorce thought just cross my mind because seems the only way for my problem

[spearmintz12 0]

2 1/2 years is not enough time? Seriously?

Maam, you cannot change your husband, he has to want to change. Only he can make the change if he desires to get sober he should look into AA. There are daily meetings in virtually every city in America and it is free. There is no charge and AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) is the most sucessfull program out there, period. You should also look into Ala A Non, it's also free and can help direct you to avoid from enabling him.

Good luck and God Bless

Thank you David & Zola, i will try to talk about this again when he is sober because better conversation. i already look it up too about their schedules. Hope it really helps and safe this marriage in the future

[Cathi 5,783]

Thanks Mimolicious, yes i know it i can't change him fully sober, nobody does, but too see that he will go to rehab or AA, i am still not sure, because i always said that when he is sober, go to rehab or city centre for alcoholics and he said he has no time to take days off and i said it's free and has some meeting.

Sometimes i feel hopeless though. He has a son and he know that his dad has a problem and even talked with me to give me his support because he know his dad but he even can't help more than that to change him

No i wrote about new guy doesn't mean i already found the new one or getting to try to find, it just my thoughts if i am divorce him, and who knows i meet someone else and like you said, i don't really want to divorce or leaving him, not because i am afraid so but i still have faith that everything could be better, but sometimes i can't control what i am feeling when i see my husband just passed out almost all day on weekend and monday, that's all

Nope not for money, because he is not that rich, i just want to give him a lesson to be a respectful man and abuse my mental for this 2,5 years

do you have anyone here at all you can talk to, reach out to? I really feel for you, I cannot imagine moving to a foreign country and having to deal with what you're dealing with. What state do you live in?

Thanks Mimolicious, yes i know it i can't change him fully sober, nobody does, but too see that he will go to rehab or AA, i am still not sure, because i always said that when he is sober, go to rehab or city centre for alcoholics and he said he has no time to take days off and i said it's free and has some meeting.

Sometimes i feel hopeless though. He has a son and he know that his dad has a problem and even talked with me to give me his support because he know his dad but he even can't help more than that to change him

No i wrote about new guy doesn't mean i already found the new one or getting to try to find, it just my thoughts if i am divorce him, and who knows i meet someone else and like you said, i don't really want to divorce or leaving him, not because i am afraid so but i still have faith that everything could be better, but sometimes i can't control what i am feeling when i see my husband just passed out almost all day on weekend and monday, that's all

Nope not for money, because he is not that rich, i just want to give him a lesson to be a respectful man and abuse my mental for this 2,5 years

do you have anyone here at all you can talk to, reach out to? I really feel for you, I cannot imagine moving to a foreign country and having to deal with what you're dealing with. What state do you live in?

[spearmintz12 0]

do you have anyone here at all you can talk to, reach out to? I really feel for you, I cannot imagine moving to a foreign country and having to deal with what you're dealing with. What state do you live in?

do you have anyone here at all you can talk to, reach out to? I really feel for you, I cannot imagine moving to a foreign country and having to deal with what you're dealing with. What state do you live in?

Thank you Mimo for your concern. I do have some of friends through online and one of them has the same problem with me, but i don't have friend to talk in person because i don't know anyone except his friends and i can't talk with them because they have no idea about his problem. I live in Vegas btw

[ShirahBet 42]

2 1/2 years is not enough time? Seriously?

Maam, you cannot change your husband, he has to want to change. Only he can make the change if he desires to get sober he should look into AA. There are daily meetings in virtually every city in America and it is free. There is no charge and AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) is the most sucessfull program out there, period. You should also look into Ala A Non, it's also free and can help direct you to avoid from enabling him.

Good luck and God Bless

AA has over a 70% recidivism rate. Definitely NOT the most successful program out there. Most readily available program, yes. Successful, no. There are tons of other modalities for substance use self-help groups, one just has to learn about them. They have higher rates of success. However, as people have previously mentioned, the person with the issue must actually acknowledge that there is something in their life that they want to change.

To the poster who said there was no abuse, of course there's abuse, it just doesn't appear to be physical at this point in time. Mental abuse is far more damaging than other types of abuse. The OP should find help for herself. I don't know where she lives, but I have to believe that there's a community based organization somewhere that can help her if she can't help her husband at this point in time.

[David & Diana R 1,005]

AA has over a 70% recidivism rate. Definitely NOT the most successful program out there. Most readily available program, yes. Successful, no. There are tons of other modalities for substance use self-help groups, one just has to learn about them. They have higher rates of success. However, as people have previously mentioned, the person with the issue must actually acknowledge that there is something in their life that they want to change.

To the poster who said there was no abuse, of course there's abuse, it just doesn't appear to be physical at this point in time. Mental abuse is far more damaging than other types of abuse. The OP should find help for herself. I don't know where she lives, but I have to believe that there's a community based organization somewhere that can help her if she can't help her husband at this point in time.

And where do you get your numbers? I have read over and over that AA is the most sucessful program. Show me the 70% recidivism rate. I'd like to see that. I think you are wrong on this one. The op's major concern is that her husband does not want to spend money. Of course we know he most likely just is not ready to get sober. No amount of AA meetings is going to save this guy, nor is shock therapy unless he wants help. Show me your source of information.

[ShirahBet 42]

And where do you get your numbers? I have read over and over that AA is the most sucessful program. Show me the 70% recidivism rate. I'd like to see that. I think you are wrong on this one. The op's major concern is that her husband does not want to spend money. Of course we know he most likely just is not ready to get sober. No amount of AA meetings is going to save this guy, nor is shock therapy unless he wants help. Show me your source of information.

Sadly, I know I'm not wrong on this one, but I will be glad to find you studies while I'm at work tomorrow.

I've spent much of my post graduate career working with people with substance use problems. AA rarely works for the majority.

As I previously stated, I would encourage the OP to find a CBO to help her out, rather than focusing on the husband. We can both agree that the husband won't improve if he doesn't at least want to cut back or change his life in some way, shape or form.

[Thane 8]

As someone who also lives in Vegas (and even people who don't), I can attest to this being one of the worst cities to be in with a substance abuse problem. Bars are open 24x7 if you drink, the drugs are pretty much freely available on the strip and just outside, it's not a great place to be.

The good news is that there are plenty of places to go for assistance, as people have mentioned AA. It may not be the best, but it's at least a start.

http://www.lvcentraloffice.org/?q=meeting_schedule/en has schedules and locations of all the AA meetings around the Vegas valley. Whether you live in Henderson, Summerlin, or North Las Vegas there is definitely a location available near you.

As for rehab places, there are plenty as well, but they definitely are not cheap, but the affordable care act (if you do not have insurance) may help you out a bit with the cost.

There are options available, but if you are both serious about getting help you are going to have to put some work in as these problems are not easy to overcome for everyone involved.

[spearmintz12 0]

AA has over a 70% recidivism rate. Definitely NOT the most successful program out there. Most readily available program, yes. Successful, no. There are tons of other modalities for substance use self-help groups, one just has to learn about them. They have higher rates of success. However, as people have previously mentioned, the person with the issue must actually acknowledge that there is something in their life that they want to change.

To the poster who said there was no abuse, of course there's abuse, it just doesn't appear to be physical at this point in time. Mental abuse is far more damaging than other types of abuse. The OP should find help for herself. I don't know where she lives, but I have to believe that there's a community based organization somewhere that can help her if she can't help her husband at this point in time.

i agreed with you about being abuse, it's totally i feel so much different especially the first year but now i can handle it even sometimes still can't like yesterday

[spearmintz12 0]

As someone who also lives in Vegas (and even people who don't), I can attest to this being one of the worst cities to be in with a substance abuse problem. Bars are open 24x7 if you drink, the drugs are pretty much freely available on the strip and just outside, it's not a great place to be.

The good news is that there are plenty of places to go for assistance, as people have mentioned AA. It may not be the best, but it's at least a start.

http://www.lvcentraloffice.org/?q=meeting_schedule/en has schedules and locations of all the AA meetings around the Vegas valley. Whether you live in Henderson, Summerlin, or North Las Vegas there is definitely a location available near you.

As for rehab places, there are plenty as well, but they definitely are not cheap, but the affordable care act (if you do not have insurance) may help you out a bit with the cost.

There are options available, but if you are both serious about getting help you are going to have to put some work in as these problems are not easy to overcome for everyone involved.

Thanks for your respond, you are absolutely right, but when he got drunk, he always said i don't understand this thing because i came from a country who can't buy some alcohol like at the groceries etc and i said doesn't matter, still some ppl in my country can drink, and some ppl here ( American ) not everyone are an alcoholic; It pissed me off everytime he makes some excuses like that.

I hope i can talk about AA with him when he is sober this weekday for sure. I know he love me, and he told me many times even when he still hangover, that i safe his life because he wasn't like before anymore

We do have an insurance but i didn't know that cost for rehab will be cover. but i am thinking he just don't want others know about his problem, like i told him, if he is not going to work most on monday ( before almost every monday ) i am gonna call the supervisor and he told me it would be negative and i could be need to go to rehab which is i don't have much time for days off

Edited January 28, 2014 by spearmintz12

[D N Medellin COL 75]

spearmintz12 - they have groups that met who are the wives, son, daughter and other family members of an alcoholic, you have no power over this or him, save yourself, get out, only when he hits bottom (if he ever does) and realizes what he has lost is the ONLY chance he may do something, if not he has chosen to drink over you and everything else.

"Once a drunk always a drunk" is an expresion but so sadly very true. Take a hard close look at your future life with this, qagain this is not a battle that you can handle alone.

My prayers with you that you do what is best for you.

[Sandra G. 5,057]

You just can control yourself, nobody and any thing around you. He has an addiction and WIthout treatment he will never get sober. Please you are smart how can you think just because he promises not to drink anymore he won't,please educate yourself about addiction.