A Jamaican in Connecticut

[BethAnn and Omar 42]

I wasn't sure whether or not to post this in the Regional forum but since I'm sure others can relate I thought this venue might be more important. For those of you who don't already know me, my husband arrived on a CR-1 exactly one month ago from Jamaica. And boy what an adjustment its been. Basically he's taken over the household- setting down rules, etc. I have to get rid of my cat, pick up my clothes, clean regularly, stop smoking, cut down on the drinking, not go out to bars anymore, etc. Don't get me wrong some of these are probably good changes, but it is very strange to go from living alone for so long and making my own decisions to now having someone come into my house and basically take charge. Our relationship is good- we argue here and there but nothing like it use to be when we lived apart. But I don't agree with all his decisions (like getting rid of the cat for one) and I'm afraid that if I don't make the changes he is asking for that he will leave and go back to Jamaica. He's never actually said that and some of this is my own insecurity. I want him to be happy and I know he's given up a lot coming here to be with me. We've been together three years now and married for two. I love him dearly and I know he loves me but he is a bit controlling. So where do I draw the line? Do I make the sacrifices he's asking for- as I know marriage involves some compromises but I'm not sure if he knows that concept.

Sorry to vent like this but was just wondering if anyone else has experienced this.

Thanks in advance and much love to you all.

BethAnn

[brr5 6]

BethAnn-

I consider marriage a partnership -not a dictatorship, As such when one person wants the other person do do something it needs to be discussed and mutally agreed upon. There is nothing wrong with someone wanting you to be in good health but they can't demand you cease. Only you can choose that is want you want. True love does not need to make demands. I believe marriage is 100 -100 and not 50-50. Both need to give 100 as much as they can to truly experience the kind of marriage we all want.

Hope you get it worked out.

Peace to you-

Bob

[nikshevphilscott8 4]

Bethann,

U are right when u say a lot of others may be going through this. I am certainly nervous about how life will be once my fiance gets here. He and I argue over the phone but when we're in person we don't argue. Long distance is hard.

As u know marriage is all about compromise. While you shouldn't allow him to dictate the marriage u can/should heed his suggestions. Talk to him and see if you guys can meet halfway. Is there a reason he wants u to get rid of ur cat? If there's no legitimate reason I'd keep it. The other factors I think u can certainly work with him on, I think they are typical requests of any spouse. Just don't allow him to be controlling.

[2018JourneyDone 77]

Cats and dogs are members of the family. Unless there is a severe allergy, etc. KEEP THE CAT, period! I agree completely with others - marriage is compromise, not a dictatorship. The worst thing you can do in my humble opinion is continue to put yourself second in hopes he doesn't return to Jamaica because you stand your ground on something. You both need equal ground in order to have a true partnership. ((and I am SO ROOTING FOR THE POOR CAT!!)) ;-) **Obvious animal lover here.** He absolutely has given up a lot to move to the states and be with you and I know without question I will be the same with wanting my fiance to feel comfortable and at home. But no way in hell would I be parting with my dog... nooooooo way. And he knows this and would never think of asking me to. Compromise. Respect. Love. Patience. Partnership. THAT should be the focus.

Best of luck and hopefully he'll aclimate a bit more and feel more comfortable in his surroundings. If he would leave you over a cat, wasn't love to begin with sadly.

[Hotter Otter 1,211]

OK some of those changes are probably for the best but it's your house! I know It's hard going from living alone to living with a partner but surely he knew what you did in your free time and some of your habits and the fact that you have a cat when he married you! I have a cat allergy and my USC wife has a cat, I love the little blighter to bits and I just take allergy tablets when I visit and come with eye drops and stuff. I wouldn't dream of asking her to get rid of him when I move as he was there long before me and he's very important to her (also he's very cuddly).

I think if you give in to him on these issues it's sort or giving him control of the relationship right at the start of living together and you won't get that balance back. Why not compromise and pick up your clothes, clean a little more etc but don't give in to all his demands, especially the unreasonable ones. It's a marriage, you both have to work as a team. I hope that you can find some happy middle ground because you finally got to live together and it should be a super happy time :-)

[Gai 18]

I think a lot of these issues are something that should have been brought up and discussing long before he came to live with you! He had to know all of these things about you already, so I don't think it's fair to you that he waited until he was finally there to demand that they all change. (About picking up your clothes and cleaning--guilty myself! Maybe he should help you. It's his house now too!) As for the cat, I'd fight tooth and nail for mine, but luckily my fiance loves mine. My dog is another story...but he knows how much I love him and would never ask for me to get rid of him.

As for the smoking, my fiance is giving that up for me when he moves across, but it was more his decision than mine. I didn't mind if he smoked, as long as he did it on the balcony, because you can't smoke inside per my lease agreement. And I just don't like the smell of smoke.

Honestly, I think you need to stand up for yourself and let him know how you really feel or you'll just let him run your life from here on out. This may be how things were in Jamaica but he's not there anymore. You can't just give him his way because you don't want to cause problems. You are important too! Besides, part of his need to control may come from his own insecurity. He's in a completely new country, culture, and environment. He may just need to feel in control of SOMETHING so it's not so difficult. He also may think this is what you want him to do.

I think you would feel a lot better if y'all sat down together and had a long talk about it. It always helps with me and my fiance when we get in these sorts of situations. Happy thoughts! Everything will work out.

[mitchanme 18]

I wonder if he is making rules because he feels helpless and perhaps going from being an autonomous person in his own culture, and now his position is so and so's husband? I don't know if I've said that right, but it's hard for one person to move into another person's life, whereas if both people moved elsewhere and started off on the same foot it's different.

Hopefully you guys can get to the root feeling behind it, sometimes it's hard to recognise what is actually going on.

[jeremias115 1]

Hell no,,allergies or not you cant get rid of the Cat. on everything else i plead the 5th.

[JSC n GOM 5]

LOL on the cat comments. I am a Jamaican now married to a Jamaican and boy do they hate cats LOL a mere suggestion of getting a cat gets me the bad eye

[Jay HisWife Newby 1]

By the words u wrote u sound like u have major insecurity issues to deal with...hes given up alot for u??? Look at all u just went through to bring him over here...if anything he should be grateful! Ur afraid he will leave and go back to Jamaica? Honey if he leaves u i can assure u he will not go back to JA! Idk one Jamaican that would do that...and also u should kno that when ur living with a man u must keep the house nice and tidy everyday not only when u wish. And always keep urself lookin beautiful as well! Cleanliness is happiness! Cigarettes are bad for ur lungs anyways...quit...the cat...idk wat to say about the cat...i hate cats...lol. But most importantly work on ur self esteem is down there...raise it back up....although this shoulve been done prior to his arrival...(u had an ample amount of time to do that while waiting for his visa approval) fix urself b4 u try and fix that relationship and i guarantee u some things will change naturally. Not being mean...just tryna be as honest as possible.

[JSC n GOM 5]

By the words u wrote u sound like u have major insecurity issues to deal with...hes given up alot for u??? Look at all u just went through to bring him over here...if anything he should be grateful! Ur afraid he will leave and go back to Jamaica? Honey if he leaves u i can assure u he will not go back to JA! Idk one Jamaican that would do that...and also u should kno that when ur living with a man u must keep the house nice and tidy everyday not only when u wish. And always keep urself lookin beautiful as well! Cleanliness is happiness! Cigarettes are bad for ur lungs anyways...quit...the cat...idk wat to say about the cat...i hate cats...lol. But most importantly work on ur self esteem is down there...raise it back up....although this shoulve been done prior to his arrival...(u had an ample amount of time to do that while waiting for his visa approval) fix urself b4 u try and fix that relationship and i guarantee u some things will change naturally. Not being mean...just tryna be as honest as possible.

I agree. If he leaves he is sure as hell not going back to Jamaica there is no jamaican that would do that

[BethAnn and Omar 42]

Thanks for all the great feedback. Yes somewhere along the way I lost my confidence and I have to get it back. Hes given me no reason to think he will leave i just worry that if I push back too much on his demands that our relationship will suffer. Hes definitely not budging on the cat unfortunately. We've been through so much together in the three years we've been together that I think we can work through our differences during this rocky period I hope.

[BLAKCAJUN 25]

My fiance haven't made over yet and he keeps mentioning getting rid of my dog and other dos and don't. His reasoning "you are marrying a Jamaican man and this is how it is" I just simply respond with you are marrying an American women. I'm not giving up my River Bear and i'm standing firm. He has told me no drinking, pork, clubs, I have to wear "tall" dresses etc...I told him I am not Muslim so he can save the tall dress speech

[hattie 3]

maybe u can confine the cat to a room he doesn't visit or the basement. Jamaicans are different then we are in regards to animals...I told Alvin my dogs sleep on my bed.. he about died! lol needless to say my dogs are learning to stay out of my bed. I think what's going on is. he's testing u. seeing ur limits. do what feels right. but, don't compromise ur self worth. breathe

[N-o-l-a 7,167]

Personal opinion here, but I definitely made my husband give up smoking and he would never tolerate me going out to bars. I'd probably have divorce papers sitting on my desk when I cam back if I did that.

That being said, the question is, is he stepping into a traditional male role as head of the household or is it controlling? That is something only you can decide. For me, having been in two traditional marriages by my now ripe old age of 27, I can say that the line is when the man is stopping you from having a support network, changing your life for the worse, or not making you happy. Is he helping to support the household financially yet? I only ask, because I think that for someone to be so demanding, they must also be contributing. If he isn't working and you are, then cleaning should be his responsibility regardless of his cultural feelings about it. Women shouldn't be slaves in any culture.

I'm a little concerned for you in this and I hope you have a good handle on it in terms of allowing him to keep his manly identity but also not becoming a total doormat. A real man finds no pleasure in being with a doormat.

At the very least, don't be scared to talk to people about whatever is going on and make sure you keep a good and strong support network.