Learning the right way to fight in a marriage

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Polite Fight

"On my wedding-invitation RSVP cards, I left space for guests to write their favorite wedding wisdom. The tidbit that rings truest after almost nine months of marriage is: 'Attack the issue, not each other.' How it works: If my husband and I disagree about something, we stay focused on the issue and skip the personal put-downs."

—Melissa Gitter Schilowitz, 31, Metuchen, NJ

.....

Try and avoid using accusatory phrases. Use I feel hurt, or I feel like you really let me down instead. This allows the other side a chance to see the impact of their behavior, instead of being put on the defensive.

Try never to go to bed angry. It is much better to try and resolve things first. And try never to bring the arguments into the bedroom. This area is a place of love and relaxation.

......

The following are some tips for handling disagreements and for fighting fair, because even in the happiest marriages - fights happen and it's healthy to disagree - it means you are communicating and when you can disagree and fight fair - you will be managing your conflict in a healthy manner.

Fair Fighting Tips:

* Try to limit argument times - seriously, if you are learning how to fight fair - use an egg timer when the disagreement begins and to help avoid escalation - take a break when the timer goes off and revisit it later

* Don't accumulate a grab bag of complaints and issues to hit your partner with all at once - resolve the little issues or forgive them - to do otherwise is not fighting fair

* If your partner doesn't want to discuss or argue with you on a topic right in that moment, don't back them into a corner - ask to set a time in the next 24 to 48 hours when you can sit down and work it out together

* When you are disagreeing, it's usually over an issue or an incident - try to stick to the topic and don't throw old incidents or issues at your spouse during the course of that argument

* Stick to 'I' language and skip the accusatory 'yous'.

* Try holding hands when you fight - even when you are angry - it can remind you of the intimacy and closeness you share even in the midst of your agreement

* Learn to listen actively; fighting fair means hearing both sides of the argument whether you agree with it or not

* Don't fight to win, fight for the relationship not against it

......

Don't Go To Bed Angry

Make Appointments

If you are extremely angry and resolution is the last thing on your mind, then it is better to take a step back from each other. Agree to table the discussion, don't just storm off to your separate corners. Make a conscious agreement that says you are not going to resolve this right now, let's table the discussion until tomorrow. You can table it till the weekend if you want to, but make sure that you set a specific time for revisiting the argument.

This helps on two levels. The first is that it gives you both time to cool down and let rational thought re-enter into the equation. The second is that by making the appointment and setting a time aside for when you will come back to the disagreement you are avoiding letting bad feelings fester and you are taking proactive control of your lives.

What About Sleeping?

It's hard to sleep when you are angry, so once you've found a way to set the argument aside then it's important that you find something positive the two of you can do together. Maybe you need to just compliment each other or sit and hold hands and recount the reasons why you love each other. When you take even five minutes to emphasize your positives, you are letting go of the anger and the tension. You are letting it seep out and in a way, you are reconnecting on a more positive level.

It may sound silly, but just sitting there, face to face, holding hands and breathing passively either with your eyes closed or your eyes open, gazing at each other - the tension can wash away and while the meat of the argument may still exist - it's not going to be stewing the two of you and your relationship along with it while you are trying to go to sleep.

[MichelleandCraig 1]

That's good advice, Steve! (not sure I could do the 'holding hands while arguing' thing tho! M.

[LuzyC 0]

Thanks bro.!

[Fandango 1,439]

lol, never happen

I'm Italian...I need a good cleansing which only comes from a screaming-yelling-knockdown dragout. And the making up is awesome!

[brnidokiegurl 0]

my first thought, hold hands to control the swing

[Pinocchio Liberal 268]

Fair Fighting Tips:

* Try to limit argument times - seriously, if you are learning how to fight fair - use an egg timer when the disagreement begins and to help avoid escalation - take a break when the timer goes off and revisit it later

* Don't accumulate a grab bag of complaints and issues to hit your partner with all at once - resolve the little issues or forgive them - to do otherwise is not fighting fair

* If your partner doesn't want to discuss or argue with you on a topic right in that moment, don't back them into a corner - ask to set a time in the next 24 to 48 hours when you can sit down and work it out together

* When you are disagreeing, it's usually over an issue or an incident - try to stick to the topic and don't throw old incidents or issues at your spouse during the course of that argument

* Stick to 'I' language and skip the accusatory 'yous'.

* Try holding hands when you fight - even when you are angry - it can remind you of the intimacy and closeness you share even in the midst of your agreement

* Learn to listen actively; fighting fair means hearing both sides of the argument whether you agree with it or not

* Don't fight to win, fight for the relationship not against it

This looks similar to how a liberal would fight a war

[Fandango 1,439]

Fair Fighting Tips:

* Try to limit argument times - seriously, if you are learning how to fight fair - use an egg timer when the disagreement begins and to help avoid escalation - take a break when the timer goes off and revisit it later

* Don't accumulate a grab bag of complaints and issues to hit your partner with all at once - resolve the little issues or forgive them - to do otherwise is not fighting fair

* If your partner doesn't want to discuss or argue with you on a topic right in that moment, don't back them into a corner - ask to set a time in the next 24 to 48 hours when you can sit down and work it out together

* When you are disagreeing, it's usually over an issue or an incident - try to stick to the topic and don't throw old incidents or issues at your spouse during the course of that argument

* Stick to 'I' language and skip the accusatory 'yous'.

* Try holding hands when you fight - even when you are angry - it can remind you of the intimacy and closeness you share even in the midst of your agreement

* Learn to listen actively; fighting fair means hearing both sides of the argument whether you agree with it or not

* Don't fight to win, fight for the relationship not against it

This looks similar to how a liberal would fight a war

[Mirorgate 0]

Advertise it on Pay-Per-View... make cash outa the whole affair.