USC husband changes his mind

[milimelo 4,479]

since you had a case complete at NVC on 2013-12-27

these 'original documents ' you speak of were :

1. already submitted to NVC and

2. NVC put them in the casefile and

3. That casefile is either IN Manila IV already or headed that way.

So, this concept of 'original documents in his hand', I suggest to you, is a fallacy. Perhaps he's lying to you about this, to use as leverage against you.

But that's really a side issue. If he doesn't want you and his child, that's on you and him to work out. IMO, you could get the medical done, go to the interview , get the Phils interview thingie, all without his intervention.

Then what?

UNLESS he contacted the embassy already and withdrew I-864...

[christeen 966]

Other than to meet his family ( seems odd to me that this would be the primary motivation) WHY do you want to come to USA to a relationship that is at best "rocky" with no job, family, support system? If he is not ready to be a husband and father, do you believe going there will force him to do this? What is the "petty" issue that caused this change of heart (it might not be that petty to him)? Is it wase to trot your child around the globe to an unfamiliar place, father that does not want to be a part of his life and no support? But your application is based n reunification with your husband, if that is not the case, then how can you get issued a visa for that?

[TBoneTX 45,292]

*** Thread moved from CR-1 Process forum to the "Effects of Major Changes" forum -- topic fits better in the destination forum. ***

[InHisTime 110]

I am almost on my final step on this visa journey. My interview is next month already and now my husband changes his mind and doesn't want me and our 1 year old son to go to the US because of a very shallow reason. My question is.. Is my case hopeless? does really my visa depend on my husband's decision? The original paperworks is still with him and he is supposed to give me those when he comes back in th philippines this march. What should I do now? I really want to go the US to meet his family because it is so unfair on my part that he can go here anytime he wants but Me and our son doesn't have that priviledge. anyone advise?

Hi ! What is the shallow reason behind ?

With your situation, I think it is important to sort out first your relationship with him. I understand you are almost done with your immigration, but the need to have an open and working relationship with your husband is much more important to sustain your marriage and immigration journey. As you can see there are lots of horrible experiences here in VJ, like unwanted situation of beneficiaries in the US. I am sure you don't want to put your child and yourself in this situation. There were red flags from the beginning and during the visa journey, but most of us tend to ignore these red flags, until we learned our mistakes the hard way.

If he doesn't want you and your son to come to the US, then how will he manage to work out the LDR - marriage ? How many times in a year he can visit you and his child ? etc, etc...When is the preferred time for him to get you to the states ? You need to talk to him seriously. What really changes his mind ?

Maybe it is best to defer your interview / immigration while you aren't sure yet of his decision. He needs to be decisive and know what he is doing.

I suggest you take it slow for now, and try to discern the will of God for you. If it is meant to be, it will surely work out for good. It is you who knows your husband. Hopefully, God would give you wisdom and strength to make the right decision. God bless.

[mas85 0]

He changed his mind because when we had a huge fight i wrote a letter without consulting him to his sister and asked for help if she could help me advise my husband not to swear and spank our toddler child. He got mad because i was not suppose to share our marital issues to his family because we have to settle it on our own. I have spoken to him and apologized about it the other day. He told me he couldnt trust me anymore and couldnt bring me to the us because of what happened. Eversince we got married he has been visiting us 3 to 4x a Year.

[christeen 966]

Americans generally tend to handle things VERY differently than many cultures... Much more independent and the extended family is generally NOT involved in marital issues... Writing this letter was not a "trivial" thing... It was a MAJOR violation if trust and embarrassment as most US couples would NEVER consider privately contacting a sister or brother of their spouse (that I am assuming you have not met ) on how to handle an incredibly sensitive subject like anger and corporal punishment of your child or other issues that in his mind, should be PRIVATE between you and him. Did you speak to him to address these issues? Express your thoughts to him before going outside your marital bond? This was a huge breach of trust for him and I think you need to really ne'er stand that... In his culture, husband and wife deal with issues themselves... I get the feeling you do not see the severity of your actions and how it damaged his trust. Until you can see that this was not a trivial thing on your part and really apologize and show you understand what you did and why he is upset I think you should postpone the visa Interview and really work on the two of you... You also need to work out your ideas of child rearing and come to an understanding on how your child will be raised, or you will end up fighting over this constantly. Work on your marriage first, then think about the immigration part. Good luck...

[InHisTime 110]

He changed his mind because when we had a huge fight i wrote a letter without consulting him to his sister and asked for help if she could help me advise my husband not to swear and spank our toddler child. He got mad because i was not suppose to share our marital issues to his family because we have to settle it on our own. I have spoken to him and apologized about it the other day. He told me he couldnt trust me anymore and couldnt bring me to the us because of what happened. Eversince we got married he has been visiting us 3 to 4x a Year.

Hi OP, thanks for responding to my question. I think that was not a shallow reason for him. It may be shallow for us, but, culturally or personally, for him it may not be acceptable. Writing a letter to his sister without his knowledge maybe viewed by anybody differently. Your intention maybe good, but it could be perceived differently to him or others, especially that you haven't met his sister yet.

The need to respect his views is important. It may take time to rebuild his trust, but I do believe when TRUE LOVE exists, or if it is really meant to be, everything will gonna be alright.

For now, just take it slow. Continue to establish a good communication.....maybe he would realize and make up his mind to revive your petition later. The approved petition can be extended up to 1 year I guess.

This is what marriage is all about...more patience and understanding to work it out.

Maybe this is the time to get to know him more and better. An opportunity to establish a solid foundation of your marriage first even before immigration. If he is really is into you, he will make it work. Things happened for a reason, Keep the faith.

Edited January 21, 2014 by InHisTime

[mas85 0]

Thank you so much for all your advise. It has become a wakeupcall for me. I Sometimes forget that we have different cultures. I will do my best to workout our relationship because i treasure our marriage so much.

[mas85 0]

God bless everyone!

[Teddy B 17,252]

Thank you so much for all your advise. It has become a wakeupcall for me. I Sometimes forget that we have different cultures. I will do my best to workout our relationship because i treasure our marriage so much.

As much as what you did overstepped the boundaries of the average American family, I also think he is over reacting in a big way. To end the immigration process over this issue is adolescent at best. All couples need time to work out their differences, especially those from different cultural backgrounds.

[Sandra G. 5,047]

It does not matter if is a different culture, spanking a toddler is disgusting to say the least, is this kind of scumbag that you want raising your child? really? If he has the heart to spank a toddler wait to see what he will do with you my dear.

[Teddy B 17,252]

It does not matter if is a different culture, spanking a toddler is disgusting to say the least, is this kind of scumbag that you want raising your child? really? If he has the heart to spank a toddler wait to see what he will do with you my dear.

That's a matter of opinion. I don't believe a slap on the ####### of a misbehaving child is bad, if it becomes more than that, then that's a different story. Calling him a scumbag and questioning his parenting skills for spanking a toddler is a bit much.

[N-o-l-a 7,167]

Thank you so much for all your advise. It has become a wakeupcall for me. I Sometimes forget that we have different cultures. I will do my best to workout our relationship because i treasure our marriage so much.

Unless he is abusing the child in your opinion, I would ask for his forgiveness in this issue and make a point not to involve his family again. Even if he were abusive or some such thing, I doubt his family would be the right ones to turn to for help. They will most likely always be on his side.

[Caryh 5,206]

He changed his mind because when we had a huge fight i wrote a letter without consulting him to his sister and asked for help if she could help me advise my husband not to swear and spank our toddler child. He got mad because i was not suppose to share our marital issues to his family because we have to settle it on our own. I have spoken to him and apologized about it the other day. He told me he couldnt trust me anymore and couldnt bring me to the us because of what happened. Eversince we got married he has been visiting us 3 to 4x a Year.

Sounds like my wife getting upset with me when I talked with her sister about the tampo issue one time. Didn't know what to do though, as my wife wasn't talking with me.

Corporal punishment, or spankings, is one way some Americans handle punishing a child. Many do not believe in it, other believe highly in it. Swearing is a bad habit many people have to.

Working these issues out between a married couple is what married people do, and bringing in outside support to try and support your view is a bit of a breach of trust. Sounds like he needs a bit of cooling off time yet, and maybe more discussion on the issue when he's ready. Just like I learned I need to wait a bit when my wife decides its tampo time, it not easy for Americans to wait out a silent spouse though. Filipinos might just shut up and not talk about, Americans are more likely to react and say negative things until they get over the anger. If your husband didn't want you two together, he never would have filed in the first place. I'd guess he just needs a bit of time and to feel this particular mistake was just a mistake and not really a breach in trust.

I really hope you can work this out, don't give up and freak out, I think you just need some time here.

[Darnell 8,478]

He changed his mind because when we had a huge fight i wrote a letter without consulting him to his sister and asked for help if she could help me advise my husband not to swear and spank our toddler child. He got mad because i was not suppose to share our marital issues to his family because we have to settle it on our own. I have spoken to him and apologized about it the other day. He told me he couldnt trust me anymore and couldnt bring me to the us because of what happened. Eversince we got married he has been visiting us 3 to 4x a Year.

Perhaps this was a cultural faux-paux?