Husband Quit Being Affectionate & Left [split topic]

[Aya_P 17]

First to the OP, Nigerians tend not to be affectionate in the same way as you males. Think of your time in country and how little public display of affection there was. What goes between man and woman is private . If someone seems too pushy for sex you may get the opposite result. Every human has a different normal for sexual frequency. That being said NO sex if a bit off the charts and if you know he is doing other acts of fraud you should protect yourself. Not only are you on the hook for the I864 but if you are in a community property state the community ( your property ) might be in jeopardy to repay others. Initiate the divorce and report to the fraud unit.

P.A.@2013

After reading the post about what happened to this woman you can see why your wife was warned. People rarely come back during the journey and say they are doing great. What other on the journey read are the stories of bad endings. Although some countries have way too many bad stories,

To GOwan look at the evil of a CR1 visa maybe we should eliminate them and only allow K1 visas so that behavior like this would be uncovered

I totally disagree the excuse that Nigerians are not affectionate by culture etc.

the husband stopped being affectionate, clearly meaning he was affectionate before.

while back home I saw locals showing affection to their foreign partners in public, so if this local reaches the US and now says its not culturally my thing, he should be slapped with a live chicken.

do u really believe if this happened while they back home in Ng, this man would have left home saying my US wife is demanding for too much sex/affection?

I agree where we from affection isn't like in the US but don't fake it, reach US then treat partner like #######.

tony

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

I totally disagree the excuse that Nigerians are not affectionate by culture etc.

the husband stopped being affectionate, clearly meaning he was affectionate before.

while back home I saw locals showing affection to their foreign partners in public, so if this local reaches the US and now says its not culturally my thing, he should be slapped with a live chicken.

do u really believe if this happened while they back home in Ng, this man would have left home saying my US wife is demanding for too much sex/affection?

I agree where we from affection isn't like in the US but don't fake it, reach US then treat partner like #######.

tony

I didn't want to touch that unfortunate misconception at first but I'm glad that you brought it up.

As you eloquently pointed out, the first proof that Nigerians are indeed affectionate is right there in OPs thread title. "Husband Quit Being Affectionate" which means he was affectionate at some point and he's a Nigerian.

Many of us just didn't just travel to Nigeria for 2 weeks vacations, we were born there and grew up there. I grew up watching my grandfather, father, brothers, uncles, friends, etc being completely affectionate with their spouses. Do they tongue kiss while waiting in line like a teenybopper? No but you can still be affectionate with class.

For those in relationships where there is no affection please don't blame it on our wonderful culture, instead look within your relationships and try to gauge your compatibility with your significant other. Is there a reason why he's not affectionate, is it perhaps because he's not that into you, embarrassed of you in public, etc

For Mr. OP, I simply just think that he arrived and actually saw his worth increase in the ladies department. He saw that he can get more or thinks so anyways. It's the same way we have what is called 'trophy wife" syndrome. I'm not excusing his behavior.

[NigeriaorBust 4,087]

I never said they weren't affectionate and loving. It is just more in the way my parents were than in the way young US people practice everything but orgasm in public. ( By the way I am now the age of my parents in my memories) I have known partners get their Nigerian spouses here are think they should immediately adapt to the US standard of affectionate and cry that they are cheating/frauds when they don't.

[livindadream 156]

I certainly haven't grown up in Nigeria, but I've been in West Africa for 5 years, and PDA is different than in the US. My Nigerian husband is affectionate in his own way in public...holding hands, pushing back my hair, carefully brushing something off my face,...etc. These are loving gestures and my idea of the best displays of affection. I somehow had a picture of a more risqué type of PDA that the poster was lacking from her husband since she also was talking about sex. Maybe my mind was somewhere else. And I certainly wasn't saying that those kinds of loving gestures don't exist in Nigerian relationships, I just feel Nigerians (for the most part) are more conservative than us Westerners, and therefore, in comparison, my seem less affectionate in public. Of course there are some exceptions like the ones I saw in the bathroom at a restaurant having sex and the ones I stumbled upon 'doing it' on the side of a building at night, and then there was that bus incident...ehh hemm....anyhow, If the poster had experienced prior relationships with the man slobbering all over her in public and now has a more conservative man, she may feel he's not showing affection. This all goes back to the USC needing to spend more time abroad getting to know their spouse better before making such a huge commitment. Anyone can lay it on thick for a couple weeks during a visit, but may be totally different when a full time member of the household. BTW, there a many threads on Nairaland , posted by NIGERIANS, talking about PDA and kissing in public as if it's taboo. I'll quote one of them:

"""In western societies expression of luv tru d art of kissing is
very common, but it luks lyk a strange act here in nigeria. I
was at d MMA international terminal last week 2 pick up a
relative, and i saw d most romantic scene of ma lyf. U knw
dis happen only in movies, a white couple kissing
passionately. D lady had a cute dog in her embrace while she
kissd d dude. People around wer lyk wondering- "kilon she
awon oyinbo yi gan", its nt like they wer nt traveling 2geda""""

[LoveNigarmostyle 164]

So sorry for your terrible experience. FYI, my husband was affectionate there, not in public, which is okay with me, I too grew up in a culture which did not allow public display of affection. But hubby was and still is very affectionate.

I agree with the members who indicate that Nigerians in general are loving and show affection. If your husband was loving toward you when you visited him in Nigeria and changed once here? that means he had alternative motives in mind before getting here. If he did not want to be intimate with you? it could mean that he did not feel for you as you expect him.

What I want to know is, did you see any signs or had any feeling that he was taking you for a ride? I mean as women, we tend to have a strong intuition which sometimes we choose to over look or ignore.

My husband has been here for six months and has not changed a bit since I met him five years ago. All I am saying YOU and only you know what took place in your relationship course and if the turn of events were expected or a complete surprise. Nevertheless, I am sorry for the pain you are feeling and I hope with time you will be able to put this experience behind you and find love.

[seaguliable 6]

yes after he set foot in america like night and day

[Sandra G. 5,047]

I am not surprised at all,we heard stories like yours so many times.

[ManCharsey 254]

It happens all the time especially from that part of West Africa. Check on who a 'mugu' is. He made you his mugu.

[N-o-l-a 7,167]

I never said they weren't affectionate and loving. It is just more in the way my parents were than in the way young US people practice everything but orgasm in public. ( By the way I am now the age of my parents in my memories) I have known partners get their Nigerian spouses here are think they should immediately adapt to the US standard of affectionate and cry that they are cheating/frauds when they don't.

I don't know what you are on about, but it is rare to even see US couples kiss in public. I've lived in a lot of places in America - New York, New Hampshire, Colorado, and Connecticut and this "everything but orgasm" I have never once seen.

I'm the American wife and I would certainly not expect my husband to more than hold hands in public, just like every other couple I see. To be honest, a lot of the VJ posters with Nigerian men seem to think that they have some exclusive corner on "manly" men or something. There are lots of men in America that don't cry, aren't sensitive, and expect traditional relationships. I have myself a Danish one of those.

I thought it was pretty obvious that OP was talking about a denial of marital relations within their own home.

Edited February 17, 2014 by N-o-l-a

[NigeriaorBust 4,087]

I don't know what you are on about, but it is rare to even see US couples kiss in public. I've lived in a lot of places in America - New York, New Hampshire, Colorado, and Connecticut and this "everything but orgasm" I have never once seen.

I'm the American wife and I would certainly not expect my husband to more than hold hands in public, just like every other couple I see. To be honest, a lot of the VJ posters with Nigerian men seem to think that they have some exclusive corner on "manly" men or something. There are lots of men in America that don't cry, aren't sensitive, and expect traditional relationships. I have myself a Danish one of those.

I thought it was pretty obvious that OP was talking about a denial of marital relations within their own home.

I never mentioned Nigerians being more manly I mentioned that their traditions are extremely different than the American norm, I guess you must be having self doubts about your hubby, In their culture it is perfectly normal to live in different cities/countries with no physical contact for months ( in rarer cases years ) It is also a country where a good part of it runs under sharia law which means lock up your women. I know of a lot of relationship between a SUC and a Nigeria ( of either sexual combination ) where differences in expectation of affection has started the end of the marriage.

[N-o-l-a 7,167]

I guess you must be having self doubts about your hubby,

That wasn't necessary, but I have no doubts about my 6'6" viking husband who people describe as incredibly handy and built like an ox.

Perhaps all this defending of this behavior allows bad behavior to continue amongst Nigerian men? Perhaps y'all need to set the bar higher?

[ManCharsey 254]

Well said N-o-l-a. Amply time someone gets very defensive over nothing, it makes me wonder what they are being so defensive about. And true they need to set the bar high because the label they bear is really bad.

[Cathi 5,748]

First to the OP, Nigerians tend not to be affectionate in the same way as you males. Think of your time in country and how little public display of affection there was. What goes between man and woman is private . If someone seems too pushy for sex you may get the opposite result. Every human has a different normal for sexual frequency. That being said NO sex if a bit off the charts and if you know he is doing other acts of fraud you should protect yourself. Not only are you on the hook for the I864 but if you are in a community property state the community ( your property ) might be in jeopardy to repay others. Initiate the divorce and report to the fraud unit.

P.A.@2013

After reading the post about what happened to this woman you can see why your wife was warned. People rarely come back during the journey and say they are doing great. What other on the journey read are the stories of bad endings. Although some countries have way too many bad stories,

To GOwan look at the evil of a CR1 visa maybe we should eliminate them and only allow K1 visas so that behavior like this would be uncovered i

I think the k-1 and the ability to adjust status on vwp or b1/b2 should both be eliminated...

[ManCharsey 254]

Well mimolicious..it will never be eliminated so keep thinking. You need to realize that USCIS is 99% funded by application and user fees and only about 1% funded by the federal government. They need money to function. Also the benefits of immigrants outweigh whatever sentiments anyone feels because they waited a billion years to get their visas while someone got theirs in 5 or 6 months. That's why it's an option. The argument you are making has been talked about for over 20 yrs and the system is still the same so it will never change. Trust me on that one lol.

[seaguliable 6]

interesting this has become so popular a subject ,I guess I opened a pandoras box let me say , first the USA government made a CR1 so that marriage fraud can be detected, In reading the directions I see there is very few reasons to ask for cr1 status change with out your spouse , and even if you put down one of them they look at it very closely at the reasons stated at the time you apply for the status change, especially if there are any red flags prior to and during the marriage and visa process. I also in reading see that it is again reviewed for citizenship status and you can be denied this process if there are red flags in your visa file. Second, community property is a TWO way street so stop scaring people with that. Third you would think the time a person would be the MOST conservative in displaying any affection would be in Africa where it is the norm to not display affection from what you all say, and in America it would be more relaxed ...not the other way around so behavior wise what your stating regarding African men makes no sense. Fourthly ,I have talked to quite a few west African and east African people in hopes to gain a understanding of what has happened, one thing they all agree on is that the behavior I described is not normal African male behavior towards a wife and somehow I don’t believe all of them are lying to me.Fifth A person who spends 3 years on line with a woman ,receives her in Africa twice and flies to America and leaves in under 7 months without any attempt to repair the marriage probably has lost his mind or has planned this out prior to setting foot on American soil and most likely had some help from friends,,,,even ones here on visa journey I venture to say and the immigration dept does look at these things,it just takes some time .prehaps instead of throwing out advice to run ,maybe some support towards the USA victim is called for and maybe support for the marriage if it is savable and maybe stop supporting people who say after 6 months their marriage did not work how can they dump their spouse and changer their status. Also for all those victims out there...let me throw a scare the other way...OJ simpson was found not guilty in criminal court ,however the Brown family took every dime he had in a civil court ,that is always a option if the proof is there for 12 peers to see. I bid you all a good night and good luck and am careful who you bring into your life and take care of your marriages.

Edited February 18, 2014 by seaguliable