Fitting in in America

[circuit 18]

My fiancee is coming to be with me in Seattle from Singapore, and she's really worried about fitting in. She's worried that she'll be out of place and that everyone will think of her as the foreign girl. I've tried to tell her that America is full of immigrants and that she'll fit right in, especially in Seattle which has a relatively large (14%) Asian population. But she says just because I'm accepting doesn't mean everyone will be.

I'm hoping you can post some words of encouragement about your experiences moving here. Or also any words of advice. Did you have trouble fitting in, making friends, feeling like you belong? How long did it take you to adjust? Did people find your accent, sense of humor, or religion strange? How did that make you feel?

I too often take it for granted that things will work out, and I want to get a better idea what it will be like for her moving here.

How do you feel you 'fit in' here in America?

[EndlessStory 53]

My fiancee is coming to be with me in Seattle from Singapore, and she's really worried about fitting in. She's worried that she'll be out of place and that everyone will think of her as the foreign girl. I've tried to tell her that America is full of immigrants and that she'll fit right in, especially in Seattle which has a relatively large (14%) Asian population. But she says just because I'm accepting doesn't mean everyone will be.

I'm hoping you can post some words of encouragement about your experiences moving here. Or also any words of advice. Did you have trouble fitting in, making friends, feeling like you belong? How long did it take you to adjust? Did people find your accent, sense of humor, or religion strange? How did that make you feel?

I too often take it for granted that things will work out, and I want to get a better idea what it will be like for her moving here.

How do you feel you 'fit in' here in America?

I lived in America for 6 months on tourist visa in 2012 till 2013. I came back to Singapore in Feb 2013.

I have no issue fitting in America. I live with my fiance when I was there in America. My fiance will take me around to meet his friends and will ask me to go out with his friends when he needs to work. Sometimes they have a hard time understanding what I say since I have a little bit of Singlish Accent. I have been living in Singapore for 4 years.

My fiance takes me to meet his work friends and we have no issue getting along. It was fun. My fiance's dad likes talking to me about my culture and stuff.

Overall, 10/10. Have not gone through any racism yet. She will fit in just right. She does not need to be worry!

[Brit Abroad 166]

There are two elements to being an immigrant. 1. Fitting in with the new people and culture surrounding you; and 2. Lessening the loneliness and homesickness that come with emigrating from your homeland.

The kindest thing you can do when your fiancee comes over is to introduce her to your family, friends and community. Try to do it in small groups so she isn't overwhelmed by so many new people to meet at once. Find out all the hobbies she has, the interests and start doing some research on how many of those are available within your community and attend some meetings/gatherings and get to know some of the people there so you can introduce her to them when she arrives. It's MUCH easier to meet people with your spouse than it is alone.

The hardest things for any immigrant are not having family, friends and culture around them. If you know where she can buy familiar groceries, make sure she can get there - by bus if she can't drive immediately in your state. Find out if there are any local Singapore groups, or within a reasonable round trip distance where she can go. I know that there are a lot of ex-pat communities in the bigger cities so you may find that there is a thriving community there.

Good luck, and I'm glad you're thinking of the things that will affect your fiancee in advance. That's at least half the battle fought.

[LadyPiret 6]

Hey Circuit!

Moving to a completely different country, with a different language, all alone, without your family is always a tough decision. You pretty much start your life from the very beginning, far away from home, with a second language, new culture, new people, you feel like a total stranger, and since you're not a citizen nor even a resident, it may be sometimes even harder.

It's been 4 months since I moved here for good, but I visited my fiancé more than a few times before I got my visa. I knew how this American world looks like, I knew what to expect, so I think I was better prepared. Has your fiancee ever been to the U.S.? In my opinion, it's better once you visit and get to know everything more, before you make a decision to move in, of course I understand and am aware, that not everybody has a chance to do so.

For a long time I had been, and sometimes still am a bit embarrassed because of my accent. I am fluent in English, my accent is not strong at all and I know people can understand me with no problem, but they can tell right away that I am a foreigner. BUT I have never had any bad experience because of that, never felt worse or insulted, people were more exciting and curious about me, asking about my country, my purpose of being in the U.S.A, etc. Americans are REALLY friendly when it comes to meeting someone from abroad, they try to help when it's needed. I wouldn't say I feel like "I fit in here" yet (but I am definitely getting there, I really like this country and I am happy I am here with someone I love), I am sure I will take a little bit more time. I have a few close friends, they love my sense of humor (of course I am more shy when I meet new people hehe, it takes a while to open yourself in front of someone new), they've never made fun of me, never said anything to make me feel sad or rejected. I try to be friendly to everyone, everywhere, and I receive the same.

I still find it sometimes a bit hard, to understand some slang, some jokes that are common for the U.S. but I guess everybody feels this way. I am used to my country, our Polish sense of humor, Polish jokes. But I know it will change, after some time.

Your future wife is so lucky to have a man like you keep telling her that she's not the very first one nor the last moving here. She will for sure make a lot of friends, people in Washington are awesome like you mentioned, you can see so many Asian people here, but they're so polite, helpful and not judgmental at all they will love your girl! She needs to be confident about herself, she should never let anyone make her feel worse just because she's not American. We are all the same, doesn't matter what race, what language we speak, what country we come from - we're humans. And thank God, most of Americans understand that, that's what makes this country great. As long as your beautiful lady and you are together, you support and love each other, she will be fine. Remember, it's a huge change for her, don't get angry if she gets blue from time to time, you're the only person she can rely on.

Wow, I really didn't want to write a book here haha. Feed your lady with only positive thoughts and feelings just like my husband does (and it works, trust me, if it wasn't for his patience and him being positive for both of us, I'd have probably ended on a plane back home a while ago). She will fall in love with Seattle and its people, and I AM SURE she will adjust herself quickly! When she starts working it will be even better, she will not have time to think about other things

I have no idea if my post helps in any way, but I hope it does (at least a tiny bit )

Take care and good luck

[rlogan 2,036]

I've tried to tell her that America is full of immigrants and that she'll fit right in, especially in Seattle which has a relatively large (14%) Asian population. But she says just because I'm accepting doesn't mean everyone will be.

So why doesn't she believe you? She thinks you are a liar?

[kzielu 1,149]

My fiancee is coming to be with me in Seattle from Singapore, and she's really worried about fitting in. She's worried that she'll be out of place and that everyone will think of her as the foreign girl. I've tried to tell her that America is full of immigrants and that she'll fit right in, especially in Seattle which has a relatively large (14%) Asian population. But she says just because I'm accepting doesn't mean everyone will be.

I'm hoping you can post some words of encouragement about your experiences moving here. Or also any words of advice. Did you have trouble fitting in, making friends, feeling like you belong? How long did it take you to adjust? Did people find your accent, sense of humor, or religion strange? How did that make you feel?

I too often take it for granted that things will work out, and I want to get a better idea what it will be like for her moving here.

How do you feel you 'fit in' here in America?

Sorry, but will do the opposite. After living for couple of years here still get questions (in the store for example) "where you're from ?" . Apparently have easy to recognize accent (that I don't hear myself). Key point is - don't let it bother you. This country is tolerant enough that you don't really have to fit in, you can be who you are and for the most part nobody will care. There is thousands of people here that behave much weirder than average immigrant that speaks english with an accent.

[circuit 18]

Thanks for all the helpful responses so far!

There are two elements to being an immigrant. 1. Fitting in with the new people and culture surrounding you; and 2. Lessening the loneliness and homesickness that come with emigrating from your homeland.

The kindest thing you can do when your fiancee comes over is to introduce her to your family, friends and community. Try to do it in small groups so she isn't overwhelmed by so many new people to meet at once. Find out all the hobbies she has, the interests and start doing some research on how many of those are available within your community and attend some meetings/gatherings and get to know some of the people there so you can introduce her to them when she arrives. It's MUCH easier to meet people with your spouse than it is alone.

The hardest things for any immigrant are not having family, friends and culture around them. If you know where she can buy familiar groceries, make sure she can get there - by bus if she can't drive immediately in your state. Find out if there are any local Singapore groups, or within a reasonable round trip distance where she can go. I know that there are a lot of ex-pat communities in the bigger cities so you may find that there is a thriving community there.

Good luck, and I'm glad you're thinking of the things that will affect your fiancee in advance. That's at least half the battle fought.

These are some really good ideas, I'm definitely going to talk to the Singapore group in Seattle and introduce her there

[Caryh 5,206]

There's going to be some tough parts for her, and some easy parts. You and she won't know what's the hard parts or the easy parts until she's actually here. One huge, and I mean super huge one, is you're here asking and researching. That means you care about her, and I'm sure you're going to be there for her when she needs you. She's leaving her family and culture behind, you're the person who is going to make that all worth it. You're the person that is going to be the replacement for all her family. This doesn't mean you can't make mistakes, because of course you're going to. But it does mean you want to make sure she always knows you're the one who has her back. If she happens to run into some racist or clueless idiot, you're the one who may need to help her see most are not like that. When she has doubts, you'll be the one to build up her confidence.

I know many say connect with others from her culture. This is a double edge sword. On one side it will be very comforting to her. But on the other it can become a crutch that keeps her from interacting with Americans. Try to balance this out, so she is getting exposed to both sides. Also don't assume because someone is from Singapore they're automatically a good influence. My wife and I have ran into many people from her country that were nothing but trouble. She may be tempted to friend anyone from her country at first, just to have people she can relate to from home. But do they share the values you and your wife do? Are they on the same track, or do they want to pull your wife down a path that isn't healthy for you as a couple? The majority of people my wife and I met from her country were truly very nice people, but there were some bad apples mixed in, and even more that just didn't have compatible life paths as us, although that did not make them bad people. So think, how are you going to handle it when your wife gets involved with someone from her country who is a bad influence? Imagine she's desperate for a friend of her own, from her own country, and you can see trouble ahead, what are you going to say or do? Even better yet, have this talk ahead with her. It wasn't something I considered ahead of time, but faced it once she was here.

More than anything, have patience. She'll find her way, don't get upset if she feels bad or homesick at times and reacts poorly when she feels that way. Be the strength she needs when she needs it. Adjusting is a step by step process. It takes longer for some, and some seem to hit the ground running and never look back. And be ready for things you never expected to come up as no one can plan everything.

[dwinge 34]

(K1 fiancee/wife in the US now) I first visited the US on a work&travel program.. did not expect to fit in, got a sense of what America is like. There were some Asians at my workplace.. but I interacted with the USC population at my workplace too, and they understood me fine (perhaps because they're used to foreigners).. I did get some people who did not understand my accent in various states, so I noted that.. But on the whole, they were pretty pleasant to me!

In terms of "fitting in".. it is how fitting into anywhere (be it family, work, or community) is. If your fiancee would like to "fit in", then she will have to be prepared to find out what the "norm" is, and perhaps change her habits/behavior to that of her neighbors-to-be. (Fitting in is pretty tedious though =p) As for myself, the only thing I have really changed to "fit in" is my accent.. So people have less trouble understanding what I say. The pronunciation of some words in Singlish makes it tough to get one's point across.. So you might like to practice changing accents with her, if that's what she wants.

(Case in point, on our honeymoon last week--

Me: Are we tipping the room?

Husband: Keep the room? What do you mean?

Me: Tip the room! Tip!!

Husband: Huh?? Keep?

Me: T-I-P!!

Husband: Ohh, TIP! you were saying, "teep"! Teep teep teep!)

That aside.. America isn't that much different from Singapore (seeing as how Singapore is one of the more Western of the Asian countries). I have a handful of friends in the US that I got to know through the internet, and they are pretty great people =)

[rlogan 2,036]

As for myself, the only thing I have really changed to "fit in" is my accent.. So people have less trouble understanding what I say. The pronunciation of some words in Singlish makes it tough to get one's point across.. So you might like to practice changing accents with her, if that's what she wants.

This is something I worked on with my wife. First, to speak in complete sentences with enough information to completely fill in the context so that there is much less guesswork. It takes very little effort to do this. It is just a frame of mind you have to adopt.

With tipping for example - Are we going to leave money as a tip for the service staff cleaning the room? "T-I-P"? The more automatic you make this instead of repeating the same misunderstood thing over and over again, the less frustrating it is. It should be automatic to spell a word out the first time it is not understood, and add the context required to understand.

The other thing about the accent is also attitude. I was godfather to a Filipina immigrant's children who steadfastly refused to accept her pronunciation being corrected and it took over twenty years for her to finally speak so that people could understand her. It was her prideful attitude that made her too stubborn to change pronunciation. My wife on the other hand understood that correcting her pronunciation was something I did to make her life better here instead of a personal attack. So she practiced.

One of the really frustrating things about this is the lack of enunciation by domestic speakers. For example there is almost no difference between the pronunciation of "can" and "can't" in domestic speakers. Because they don't actually pronounce the "t", but they place the tongue on the roof of the mouth and end sharply so that another domestic listener who is accustomed to this lack of enunciation can determine what you are saying. Same thing for tagolog here with me. The "ng" sound is not enunciated by many Filipinos, especially if it is at the end of a word. So even when they repeat a pronunciation to me I cannot hear the "ng" sound because they simply are not enunciating it. The domestic partner will do a lot better with teaching language if they are REALLY careful with their enunciation.

Turn directly to them so that you are facing them and they can see your mouth. Speak loudly enough. Enunciate. Separate your words cleanly with a space between them. Not "arewegonnatip". Break difficult polysyllabic phrases into small components. Educated people do this for me here. It is people with a sixth grade education that aren't capable of doing this, yet they are the ones who laugh at my pronunciation while the educated people never do.

[dwinge 34]

This is something I worked on with my wife. First, to speak in complete sentences with enough information to completely fill in the context so that there is much less guesswork. It takes very little effort to do this. It is just a frame of mind you have to adopt.

With tipping for example - Are we going to leave money as a tip for the service staff cleaning the room? "T-I-P"? The more automatic you make this instead of repeating the same misunderstood thing over and over again, the less frustrating it is. It should be automatic to spell a word out the first time it is not understood, and add the context required to understand.

Actually, my point was to highlight the different pronunciations of the 'i' vowel across the two countries/languages - the long 'i' note in /kip/, and the shorter 'i' note in /tɪp/. It happens even when a person has been speaking English/Singlish all his/her life.

Husband and I are familiar enough with each other that I can afford to drop words off my sentences and he is still able to understand me.. Though of course, strangers would be more prone to confusion if they aren't expecting it. We do not need help/advice with communication, but thank you anyway.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

This is something I worked on with my wife. First, to speak in complete sentences with enough information to completely fill in the context so that there is much less guesswork. It takes very little effort to do this. It is just a frame of mind you have to adopt.

With tipping for example - Are we going to leave money as a tip for the service staff cleaning the room? "T-I-P"? The more automatic you make this instead of repeating the same misunderstood thing over and over again, the less frustrating it is. It should be automatic to spell a word out the first time it is not understood, and add the context required to understand.

The other thing about the accent is also attitude. I was godfather to a Filipina immigrant's children who steadfastly refused to accept her pronunciation being corrected and it took over twenty years for her to finally speak so that people could understand her. It was her prideful attitude that made her too stubborn to change pronunciation. My wife on the other hand understood that correcting her pronunciation was something I did to make her life better here instead of a personal attack. So she practiced.

One of the really frustrating things about this is the lack of enunciation by domestic speakers. For example there is almost no difference between the pronunciation of "can" and "can't" in domestic speakers. Because they don't actually pronounce the "t", but they place the tongue on the roof of the mouth and end sharply so that another domestic listener who is accustomed to this lack of enunciation can determine what you are saying. Same thing for tagolog here with me. The "ng" sound is not enunciated by many Filipinos, especially if it is at the end of a word. So even when they repeat a pronunciation to me I cannot hear the "ng" sound because they simply are not enunciating it. The domestic partner will do a lot better with teaching language if they are REALLY careful with their enunciation.

Turn directly to them so that you are facing them and they can see your mouth. Speak loudly enough. Enunciate. Separate your words cleanly with a space between them. Not "arewegonnatip". Break difficult polysyllabic phrases into small components. Educated people do this for me here. It is people with a sixth grade education that aren't capable of doing this, yet they are the ones who laugh at my pronunciation while the educated people never do.

Thank you, kind sir. I'll have to try this with my little Filipina wife. I've tried many times to correct her, but gosh darn it, she looks so cute when she pouts, so I just tell her to come sit on daddy's lap for a lesson on American lovemaking. At first, she resists but then no longer when she's overwhelmed by her desire. If only she could respond to my teaching the way dolphins do at Seaworld.

[rlogan 2,036]

Thank you, kind sir. I'll have to try this with my little Filipina wife. I've tried many times to correct her, but gosh darn it, she looks so cute when she pouts, so I just tell her to come sit on daddy's lap for a lesson on American lovemaking. At first, she resists but then no longer when she's overwhelmed by her desire. If only she could respond to my teaching the way dolphins do at Seaworld.

Been a teacher all of my life so this is something I had a lot of experience with. She has to adopt an attitude that you are a team against the rest of the world. The Americano can never correct in a condescending way. He is a team-mate wanting her to score big in the game.

Dwinge - it was perfectly clear you were discussing the different pronunciation of "I" across cultures. It is exactly the same with us, and all Asian-Americano couples.

The story you gave was one where you did not understand each other so you are just being defensive, and it is exactly the attitude porterhouse and I are now discussing. I have seen this for decades as a teacher. The pride exhibited in the attitude of "nobody is going to tell me anything".

Despite the fact you just gave an example where you and your husband did not understand each other, you got really defensive with anyone explaining to you a method for avoiding having to say things three times and raise your voices as in your example. It is also poor practice to cut corners with a spouse and rely upon knowing each other's idiosyncrasies. Because how you practice at home is how you will perform it outside the home. You've stated so yourself, and that is the OP's question - how to fit in. The way you eliminate all of the pitfalls in immigrant communication outside the home is to practice perfection inside the home.

[Jon York 156]

All she has to do is use that nice smile she has in your photograph and everyone will love her!! Americans generally couldn't care less about where someone is from. And by the way, I have some friends here from some of the lower castes in India. They say they're treated better here than they were at home!

Edited January 17, 2014 by Jon York

[Jon York 156]

This is something I worked on with my wife. First, to speak in complete sentences with enough information to completely fill in the context so that there is much less guesswork. It takes very little effort to do this. It is just a frame of mind you have to adopt.

With tipping for example - Are we going to leave money as a tip for the service staff cleaning the room? "T-I-P"? The more automatic you make this instead of repeating the same misunderstood thing over and over again, the less frustrating it is. It should be automatic to spell a word out the first time it is not understood, and add the context required to understand.

The other thing about the accent is also attitude. I was godfather to a Filipina immigrant's children who steadfastly refused to accept her pronunciation being corrected and it took over twenty years for her to finally speak so that people could understand her. It was her prideful attitude that made her too stubborn to change pronunciation. My wife on the other hand understood that correcting her pronunciation was something I did to make her life better here instead of a personal attack. So she practiced.

One of the really frustrating things about this is the lack of enunciation by domestic speakers. For example there is almost no difference between the pronunciation of "can" and "can't" in domestic speakers. Because they don't actually pronounce the "t", but they place the tongue on the roof of the mouth and end sharply so that another domestic listener who is accustomed to this lack of enunciation can determine what you are saying. Same thing for tagolog here with me. The "ng" sound is not enunciated by many Filipinos, especially if it is at the end of a word. So even when they repeat a pronunciation to me I cannot hear the "ng" sound because they simply are not enunciating it. The domestic partner will do a lot better with teaching language if they are REALLY careful with their enunciation.

Turn directly to them so that you are facing them and they can see your mouth. Speak loudly enough. Enunciate. Separate your words cleanly with a space between them. Not "arewegonnatip". Break difficult polysyllabic phrases into small components. Educated people do this for me here. It is people with a sixth grade education that aren't capable of doing this, yet they are the ones who laugh at my pronunciation while the educated people never do.

Those are awesome language tips! Thanks so much for posting this! Sometimes I have no idea what word my fiance is saying. I'll ask her to spell it, and for some reason (apparently this is common) she refuses to spell it and just keeps mis-pronouncing it over and over again! Why are they so reluctant to just spell it out!?

Your example of "can" and "can't" was really good. I hadn't thought about that. But you're absolutely right!