Think carefully before you marry a Nigerian, I regret doing so!

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

I met him on Afroromance dating website in 2008. I only went to Nigeria once to visit him and it was for two weeks. We talked on the phone or did webcame 1-3 hours per day. I met all his family, his aunties and uncles, cousins, immediate family and many friends, even went to his village. I thought everything was going to be very cool. He made it here in dec 2009. He got his 10 year green card in February last years. By mid March he diving into dating websites again and became more ill tempered and rude. It almost seems that he waited until he got his 10year green card, the just gave up on our marriage. things went down him from there. There is nothing I can do to get him deported. Only is he hits me then I can call the cops. He has been arrested for domestic violence here once before and only needs one more DV and he will be deported. Its all very sad. There were a few red flags that I ignored (due to just coming out of a recent divorce- I was emotionally out of whack). He once yelled at me on the phone very loudly for asking him too many questions. I also noticed he was sending emails to women on a XXXblack book website while I was actually in Nigeria. I confronted him and he cried and got on his knees and begged me to forgive me and promised never to do it again.. I almost packed my bags, but couldn't bare the shame of returned home and telling all my wise friends and family members that he wasn't right for me.

Thanks for sharing this and for being honest.

Please do not for one second think that I am blaming you.

If the DV was on you, then of course you and your kids safety is paramount.

[christeen 966]

An old saying... Lessons cost, good lessons cost a lot! Seems you have a lot of lessons you have learned. But you have a beautiful child(ren) and a wealth of experience and hopefully a big dose of self confidence...

Jerks can be found in every corner of the globe, and they seem to be very easy to find! Ignoring warning signs (like the black book dating thing while you were visiting ) out of fear of others saying "I told you so" should be a lesson to others NOT to ignore those types of signals... Regardless of the consequences or what others say. I think too many people (in international as well as domestic relationships) tend to get caught up in the idea of "well, I have x amount of time or x around of money invested so if I give up it will all be for nothing" but they ignore the future cost of continuing down that road. Easier and cheaper in the long run to tuck the tail, say "you were right" to all the haters and quit going down a path if you think it is wrong. Eventually you reach the end of the road... Good for you for moving on... Now don't waste any more time on him... Time for you! Move forward...

[slowlyman 118]

Unfortunately, this can happen at anytime with anyone. Bad marriages happen. The important thing now is protect yourself and your family.

[Ebunoluwa 6,136]

I believe your topic title is against TOS as it specifically and negatively singles out a group of people, Nigerians in this case.

Your story does not read like you were scammed for a GC but like you chose to marry a man with red flags who has no integrity

and is a cheater and a big jerk. Happens here in the good old USA all the time, nothing exclusively Nigerian about it.

He could have divorced you and ROC'ed without you but he remained with you and you ROC'ed him through it all,

knowing he fell off the turnip wagon many times. No, he will not be deported for cheating.

When we risk taking chances with someone who shows his true colors, then we have to be big enough

to be accountable for our own choices and not "warn" people of an entire country of people. It goes without saying that there are

good and bad apples in every country, race and ethnicity, nationality.
I can tell you that nobody reading your 'warning' will end their relationship, because everyone thinks their

marriage will last a lifetime.
No one can take thousands of dollars of your money over the years unless you allow it and go with the flow right along with it.
Your friends who also have cheating Nigerian men chose to stay with them after the first offense...why do I ask myself ?!

Why stay with a serial cheater ?
Why do some women put up with so much ####### ?
Why would your friend not call the authorities when her man did the romance scam in front of her and the kids ? WTH ?
She didn't do anything about it immediately did she ? So why stay with him and cry about it later ?

Your FIL advises you that if you want a lasting marriage then you should have closed your eye to it.
That is a village mentality and an entitlement thinking which is more common in some African cultures

because the women are shamed for divorcing and often can not provide for themselves or their kids alone so they do close their eyes

to it. The modern city woman will not put up with it, there are exceptions to the rule of course.
I hope some day all women will discover their self worth and separate themselves from this nonsense.

Rather than telling people to run it would be more beneficial to tell them to investigate their potential partners at the beginning

of meeting them and not after being married already. That goes for all internet romances, home and abroad.

People leave digital tracks and trails all the time trolling the net.
It is not hard to find someone on dating sites at all.

You can send someone you trust ( church affiliated pastor, missionary, trusted friend etc. ) directly to his house unannounced and see what

pops up, anyone can keep up a pretense for a 2 week visit....except your ignorant ex ( I hope he is an ex now ) couldn't even pull that off.
Been there, done that and have the T-shirt many years ago and was successful in discovering real evidence and ended the relationship.
But no one will "run" having read that your marriage failed.

Last but not least, I truly am sorry that it didn't work out for you, I truly am.
We all must be accountable to our choices and decisions in life and regain our beauty and happiness through the consequences

and knowing the future will be better with better choices and setting higher standards for ourselves.

That is when real growth happens within ourselves and then we can truly move on and share our story with others who ask us for

advice.

We must become fruit inspectors and look deeper than the charm that is on display.

[RANNK1 8]

I see with some men....they want their cake and eat it too. They want the marriage for the perks and for how it looks to theirs family back home but they also want the freedom of being single and seeing other women...and as a wife they want you to be ok with it. I don't think in all cases its a scam for immigration...I think they are just bad husbands. Any one can make promises while in the honeymoon stage but when the reality of day to day life sets in...that's when real character shows...in both spouses.

yeah that seems to be him. he thinks its in his nature to cheat and go online. "he can't help it". If I had time to date him in person for a longer period of time I would have figured him out and walked away.

[RANNK1 8]

An old saying... Lessons cost, good lessons cost a lot! Seems you have a lot of lessons you have learned. But you have a beautiful child(ren) and a wealth of experience and hopefully a big dose of self confidence...

Jerks can be found in every corner of the globe, and they seem to be very easy to find! Ignoring warning signs (like the black book dating thing while you were visiting ) out of fear of others saying "I told you so" should be a lesson to others NOT to ignore those types of signals... Regardless of the consequences or what others say. I think too many people (in international as well as domestic relationships) tend to get caught up in the idea of "well, I have x amount of time or x around of money invested so if I give up it will all be for nothing" but they ignore the future cost of continuing down that road. Easier and cheaper in the long run to tuck the tail, say "you were right" to all the haters and quit going down a path if you think it is wrong. Eventually you reach the end of the road... Good for you for moving on... Now don't waste any more time on him... Time for you! Move forward...

You are right, I should have paid heed to the red flags and I didn't. That is my warning to anyone marrying, well anyone in a long distance international relationship. What I wish is that I hung up the phone the first time he yelled at me harshly. At that point we had only been talking for 3-4 months. I ALMOST told him forget it , I am walking away from this little relationship, .. my gut told me to hang up on him, but stupidly I didn't. I regret , I regret I regret.

[RANNK1 8]

thanks everyone for your support. Its not easy, and was so hard because he got me pregnant right after marriage, so I stuck in there for my daughter, hoping he would grow up and become responsible. I don't know what else to say. Today is our 4 year wedding anniversary. Feeling very sad. I am working on legal separation this week.

[tbthree86 34]

I am SO SORRY you are going through this pain. Thank you for sharing your story, and taking the time to help others learn from your life experience. Please don't put to much blame on yourself, and burden your soul with regrets. Unfortunately, people can fool us and we see what we want to see or hope is there. Love really does "hope all things" so we always hope our mates will be better. He has shown you that he no longer deserves that hope. Again, thank you and I am so sorry your knight in shining armor was really an idiot in tin foil (my dad used that phrase for my ex).

[christeen 966]

thanks everyone for your support. Its not easy, and was so hard because he got me pregnant right after marriage, so I stuck in there for my daughter, hoping he would grow up and become responsible. I don't know what else to say. Today is our 4 year wedding anniversary. Feeling very sad. I am working on legal separation this week.

But part of moving on is also taking responsibility for your part in decisions... It takes TWO people to get pregnant... It is not just a case of HE got you pregnant... Pregnancy takes two people, if YOU did not want to have a child, then precautions should have been taken, therefore, it is also your responsibility to take ownership of of your decision. Sorry, but this is a sensitive subject when I hear women blaming HiM for,getting THEM pregnant. Unless it was a forced sexual encounter, then you BOTH had a part in it... Just as your tolerance to his cheating and forgiving him time and time again has put you in an terrible position... When you take ownership of decisions, you can learn and progress.. And make better ones. I am not meaning to be harsh, but you see the man for who he is now, divorce and move forward... Be strong... Learn from the mistakes you made, not from the ones he made...

[Ebunoluwa 6,136]

But part of moving on is also taking responsibility for your part in decisions... It takes TWO people to get pregnant... It is not just a case of HE got you pregnant... Pregnancy takes two people, if YOU did not want to have a child, then precautions should have been taken, therefore, it is also your responsibility to take ownership of of your decision. Sorry, but this is a sensitive subject when I hear women blaming HiM for,getting THEM pregnant. Unless it was a forced sexual encounter, then you BOTH had a part in it... Just as your tolerance to his cheating and forgiving him time and time again has put you in an terrible position... When you take ownership of decisions, you can learn and progress.. And make better ones. I am not meaning to be harsh, but you see the man for who he is now, divorce and move forward... Be strong... Learn from the mistakes you made, not from the ones he made...

I was going to add exactly that but thought I said enough. It is the truth and when understood we can make better decisions next time.

Just by speaking in "I" terms versus "He" terms brings us to the realization of the part we played in all of it. That goes for everyone, including

myself.

I know you are sad and hurting but in time you will be stronger for it. This too shall pass. Live life, be happy, life is too short to cry

over idiots like him. Make a clean cut and set your standards higher and when the next Romeo gives you second thoughts remember your worth

and value and raise that bar that a real man of integrity will recognize and appreciate and not take for granted.

[COLOSSUS 7]

Hi everyone. I have not posted or even logged on here for years. I met my Nigerian husband in 2008 and brought him here on a K-1 visa in 2009. I thought he loved me by all the sweet words he said, the hundreds of hours on the phone and webcam, messenger..... Well he was only here three days and took my bank card and purchased dating website subscriptions. He was on several sites. I was not aware of this until three months later. Meanwhile, we got married and I got pregnant . I was3 devestated when I found out and confronted him. he said it didn't matter because he was just bored and wanted to talk to them for fun and wasn't planning to meet anyone. He promised to stop, but he fell into a habit of doing it every few months, me catching him and then he would do it again. We got into a lot of heated arguements and I turned into a detective in my own house. He claimed to be addicted to it and it wasn't personal. We went to counseling , we prayed and fasted, he even fly to Nigeria to seek deliverance from his Pastor. He still kept having emotional affairs, often getting a woman's phone number and then talking to her secretly. Twice he had physical affairs. By August of this year I caught him again and kicked him out. I told him to get help and if he could control himself, he could return. He decided to get a second job, buy himself a new car, a new tv, anything but get help. On Christmas ev he announced that he want to have all the young pretty woman he wants now and wants to be single. He said he cant stop going on dating websites and will cheat on me if he returns. He is also emotionally and verbally abusive. He never even gave our kids Christmas presents.

He has ruined my life and my kids' lives. He sucked $15,000 from me overall, he took my youth and beauty, he damaged my relationship with my family, I lost my best friend, he took away all my hope and happiness in life. I regret ever meeting him!!!! Everyone told me he is going to scam you or treat you badly, don't talk to him, but I did it anyways.

In addition, I many many other people on here who married a nigerian a few years ago and we all regret. One lady married the guy and he turned around and married a Nigerian woman right after his interview (meanwhile taking thousands from her over the years). Another lady brought her husband here on a K-1 and he cheated on her allll the time, was rude, unloving. He was even doing romance scamming here in the states in front of her and the kids. When he wasn't doing that he was in stip clubs and bars picking up new girls. another lady just found out her Nigerian husband of two years, has been having an affair for the past year with a co-worker much older than him.

Many of these men have no shame and no integrety. Please use extreme caution. Run

I cant believe you took out the time investigating marriages involving Nigerians and asking people to be careful about 160 Million Nigerians is not a good way to present your problems. I do not know about others but its affecting me psychological.

@ Justojai

if you cannot say anything to help RANNK1 please just stay off her case, i respect your opinion of being psychologically affected but you must also know that being a Nigerian you are susceptible to her goods and evils. What Rannk1 needs right now is some comfort and an understanding that not all 160million plus Nigerians are bad eggs.

@RANNK1, i am so sorry for the trauma you have been through. As a father i wouldnt want my daughter to go through that and as a man i cannot subject a woman to that( I SPEAK FOR ME AND FOR THOSE GOOD NIGERIAN MEN). having studied in the US where i have been robbed by a lady who i offered to help still cannot make me bitter about American ladies, You must understand Nigeria boasts of some fine and respectable husband to foreigners both in the US and all over the globe.This is the time for you to heal and move on, your higher power will help you through. Actually your ex do have a big problem, addiction can be destructive but thats not an excuse to treat you like he did. for the sake of your kids be strong. meanwhile, for other Nigerian men who are hell bent on destroying others to get their dreams realized, well good luck nemesis still exist and karma they say always lurk around.I PRAY YOU FIND HAPPINESS PLEASE BE HAPPY AGAIN!!!

[tbthree86 34]

Well said colossus!

[nigerwife 17]

In fact I think Mr. Kerry himself should have taken the stamp machine onsite to the beneficiary and stamp the passport.

Thanks Gowon! I appreciate your support. In addition to living there the first two years of our marriage, I have known my husband for 20 years. Ironically, it took us two interviews and almost two years to get approved while others seem to breeze through.

[RANNK1 8]

So sorry about what happened to you. I can very much relate because I have been in the same position. Met a Nigerian man online, got the K-1 Visa, he came, we married...within a month I caught him calling some dating line. When I confronted him about it he said he did it to know if I was checking his phone records. lol. The following month I found a profile of him on a dating site, it stated he was single and it had all the pics of him in NY that I HAD TAKEN OF HIM!!! But no mention of me! Again, when I confronted him about it, he got mad at ME and left. Stayed gone for about a month, then out of the blue called me to come back (probably due to advice from his family in order to continue the process since we had not filed AOS at that point)...continued his madness for another month then left again. By that time he had developed friendships with other Nigerians in the area and Im sure they helped him in finding a way out and still being able to Adjust Status. What a mess it all was. A good friend of mine (a Nigerian living in the States) said not to put my heart or finances into this man...and I didn't listen and did both and lost both.

I know there are a lot of cases of Nigerian men doing the USC wrong, but in your case, it just seems like he's a jerk. Take it from me, it's not worth thinking about how much money or time you put into it..you'll drive yourself insane. Just find the strength to let it go and move on with your life. It's people like my ex, that make it so hard for genuine relationships to be approved. And sadly, there are ways for foreigners to stay by just telling more lies. The system is so unjust.

I hated it when he takes beautiful pictues of himself that I took of him, even one of our wedding pictures, every nice picture of happy moments we did have, then uploaded them onto dating websites. He spoiled every nice picture I ever took of him. I hated looking at them knowing what he was doing with them. He even changed the wording of a love letter I sent to him during the courtship phase, and sent it to one of his woman. so disgusting. I hope you reported what he did to USCIS. He will have a very hard time adjusting status. he is probably just living under the table SOMEWHERE.

[Iyawo Ayodele 4]

It just goes to show that you need to know your fiance very well, and pay attention to the red flags that wack you in the head, and sometimes you then ignore. these need to be addressed right away, if your fiance is a good and honest man/woman, Honestly in love and really yours, then they will understand your hesitation, your questions, your rants and emotional breakdowns.

My first Nigerian marriage didn't work out at all, because he had a habit of promising the world, and just hoping that God would make a puppet out of him and make all the words true, and that's not how it works. he gave me many red flags that i ignored, like "we'll get to know each other better when I get there" and "whatever you wish hunny", and " I'm not used to such questions hunny," "that singles site is for my friends to use," "I'm talking to her for my friends pretending to be them so they can meet her" and then the clincher " shut up and do as your told!". In my case, I made the decision after marriage, and before AOS that it was not going to work out, and convinced him to go to Egypt on his advanced parol for Ramadan and then removed my support via uscis, and that instantly denied his return, he spent a year begging me to take him back.

I have been FAR more careful with my present Fiance, he never keeps a darn thing from me, and refuses to flirt even when incouraged, We've had a 4 year relationship prior to my eventual application, and he never once pressured me, and in fact seriously considered me moving there, only thwarted by the lack of pay at any job.

so definately be careful, know him/her WELL, ask a billion questions, NO SECRETS. It's a shame that so many wonderful, loyal, handsome men have to deal with the bad decisions of a few. because Nigerians are raised to be loyal, and patient, and to view a marriage as permanent. My Ayo was made for me by God and although not perfect, (I'd be suspicious of that) we work out our differences with paitience.

Olorun bukun Nigeria

Ife Ayodele