Language at home? Which one?

[timelena 0]

We are both originally Russian, and my husband immigrated to US not so long ago either, so for both of us English is a second language. We speak Russian at home, and I don't believe there is any chance that either of us will ever get rid of the heavy Russian accent

But I know many Russian families in US whose children hardly speak any Russian. The do understand sometimes, but speaking is a challenge! We will continue speaking Russian at home, and the children will pick up English in kindergarden (they somehow do )

[no one 0]

We speak English as that's the language we're most fluent in, but between the two of us, we also know smatterings of Cantonese, French, and Spanish, so our future kids will definitely have to learn those (plus Mandarin Chinese too!)

Language's power

[mRx 16]

Acustoming to American spoken English is alot harder than me and my wife had imagined. Although my wife has a college degree in English, and we understand each others english flawlessly, there is still the factor of other peoples english. No two people speak English the same. Everyone speaks English in different tones, styles, and speeds. Plus nowadays most english is slang anyways. And this can make it very dificult to understand. Ive noticed whats really helped my wife is movies. Watching movies with English subtitles has helped her tremendously. Also talking to other people who speak english, like some friends she has made, like wives of my buddies and stuff.

[Susanne 0]

I'm german and my husband american. When we lived in Germany we mostly spoke german. He didnt speak a word of german when he came. But he took a crashcourse in german and after a half a year I didnt speak english with him anymore. Thats when he really started to pick up thelanguage. When we moved to the states after 2 years he was almost fluent in german. Of course the grammer wasnt always right but he had no problems understanding or talking to people.

Now back in the states we speak both languages in a mix. When we argue I mostly speak german and he english. So we argue in our mother tongues but still understand each other

when we have kids I'd really like to have my kids send to a german school. But unfortunately the only one I could find in boston is very expensive so we might have to teach them german ourselves by talking german at home.

We will see how thats gonna work out

[GabachaYucateca 0]

Since I've been with my partner for so long, and he didn't speak a word of English at the beginning, we almost exclusively speak English at home. This has been the case in mexico, and I don't see this changing when he arrives here.

I am actually at a loss for words when arguing with someone in English...I'm so used to doing so in Spanish. Woudln't even know where to begin if he were to suddenly speak in English during an argument.

[antda 13]

Hi Everyone,

Good luck with your immigration journeys. In answer to this message thread, I would have to say that the language that we speak, write, and communicate with in our home is English. We don't know any other languages fluently together, so that is the only choice of language that we have (unless we find some other non-verbal way to communicate). As well, the area where I am living in, there is no need to learn any other language except for English.

I admit, growing up, I was forced to learn Chinese, because some of my ex-family members (which have now disowned me) spoke only in that language. It was way too difficult to learn and I never did learn the language properly (I cannot read or write in it and I can only speak a couple of words in it, just enough to ask for directions if I'm lost in Chinatown, or something like that). And frankly, I don't see any need to learn that language ever again.

I also learned a bit of French in elementary school and high school (as it was manditory in Canada), but I never did pick up that language either, as where I lived in Canada there were plenty of things in English and there was really no need to learn it (it was more of a bonus to learn it, really). The only French I encountered in Canada was reading the occasional bilingual forms and bilingual food labels).

Nevertheless, I do encourage other people to learn other languages, for the sake of personal interest, learning about new cultures, and in travelling.

As well, I can somehow understand though that there are struggles in learning English, as I have taught ESL to adults and children before. Believe me, for them it was not an easy task for them to learn English. The key to learning English (or anything else in life) is to practice, practice, practice and to have a lot of patience, patience, patience. Yes, even if it means speaking only English to the person that has a hard time learning the new language. It will take time, but eventually they will pick up the English language. And if that is the main language to communicate here in USA, then that will motivate them to pick up English even faster. Take it one day at a time, one English word at a time...

Ant

Hmmmmmm. . . another circumstance that rears its controversial head with our immigrant/American relationships, in addition to the many that face any new marriage, is that of language.

I noted this subject was addressed in a few places throughout the Forum, but I’m not altogether sure it was soundly discussed. Has anyone ever tried to carry on a marital dispute in Spanish? Or German? Not as easy as you think! For the most part, most of us are probably lucky in this department; our partner in the other country either speaks English as a cultural norm (i.e., England, Australia, Ireland, Canada, etc., etc.) or, they are from a country which has stressed the English Language in their education system (Germany, for example) or, for a multitude of other reasons, our chosen mate is already fluent in English.

But what of those not fluent in English? I mean, I am fluent obviously, but my wonderful wife is not. I wrote of this once in the forum and suggestions were made “for her to begin studying English while she was awaiting the much coveted K-1 visa.” I suggested this to my betrothed in Bogotá at the time, but she informed me that in Colombia, English lessons are terribly expensive and the nearest location of an English school was quite far from where she lived, through a rather unsavory area.

Now, let’s say that actual fluency in any given language is from 0 to 100 percent; the 100 per cent being one who has a college degree and speaks his/her language flawlessly; the 0 percent being one doesn’t know a single word of the language (that would be me with say. . . Urdu or Farsi). In Spanish, I would rate myself perhaps in the realm of 85 to 90 percent, so my wife and I can communicate very well. I have heard American couples say things like, “Oh! As her American husband, you can speak English with her all the time and she will learn quickly!” WRONG! Thank you for playing, doesn’t work that way. Whether folks realize it or not, who speaks which language doesn’t matter one bit; there are still the common marital problems to deal with and communicating to be. . . communicated. Like any marriage. So, we speak primarily Spanish in our home. However, we select certain times when I will speak only English, but I. . speak. . slowly. . and. . clearly. (Please don’t shout at them. . . they’re not hard of hearing, they simply cannot understand). I also enrolled her in English classes here, which she is doing very well at. She has learned by leaps and bounds, but. . . she still prefers to speak Spanish. My Spanish has improved immensely but that does her ill will with her English.

So who learns which language first? How does one adequately communicate all those differences that arise frequently in a marriage? Relationships have unraveled and ended, marriages have been destroyed and major wars started. . . all because of “malententidos”—misunderstandings. Because statements were misinterpreted. Lord knows, there are a substantial amount of problems even among couples speaking the same language fluently, from the same country, from the same hometown. But we, who have chosen a lifelong mate way outside our known realm, the other side of the world, with another language. THAT gets interesting.

My first observation is, that if both you and your selected partner are able only to communicate in a “Me Tarzan, you Jane”, sort of mode, you are in for a VERY interesting few years ahead of you, I don’t care HOW well suited you are for one another. Secondly, assuming that at least ONE of you is fluent in the other’s language, USE that language until you are more or less accustomed to one another’s presence in your life. By all means, have your chosen one begin attending English classes ASAP, and use English most of the time with them at home, even if they only pick up on 20 or 30 per cent of what you are saying; this way, they will begin to learn the “rhythm” of English. But for the meantime, conduct those more vital affairs of a new marriage in the common language; German, Spanish, French, Russian, Yiddish, whatever.

And above all, patience. . . patience. . . PATIENCE!!

Lija

Edited February 10, 2007 by antocru

[Augustajim 0]

When Tao gets mad at me she goes off in Chinese and everything is fine two minutes later. I think she enjoys that I just got my butt chewed and I have nothing to say in return.

[no one 0]

When Tao gets mad at me she goes off in Chinese and everything is fine two minutes later. I think she enjoys that I just got my butt chewed and I have nothing to say in return.

Haha, I dream and think in English, but there are certains words, emotions, and phrases that cannot be translated into English very well from Chinese (and this is probably true of all languages). So, sometimes I'd sneak in a Chinese phrase here and there even though Jason's not Chinese

It's also fun when there are English movies with some characters speaking in Chinese. Jason would turn to me and ask if the English subtitles are true to what the characters are REALLY saying.

[kitkat1 5]

When my fiance and I first met, he didn't speak much English and my Spanish was pretty weak. For the first six months we lived together, we spoke 95% Spanish (and he helped me and corrected me) but over the course of the next year his English really started to improve and he became a lot more comfortable speaking English. At some point, I realized that we were speaking almost entirely in English (while I helping him and correcting him) and my Spanish was going downhill. So now I never speak Spanish with him and he always speaks English with me. It's great for him because now he has a job that requires him to speak English -one he never would have gotten before - and it's great continued practice for him. At the same time, I totally miss speaking Spanish with him and hearing him speak it. Sometimes when I'm in Mexico with him on the Metro I tell him, Spanish Only! Or at random times I'll tell him Spanish only . . . like in the old days! We still have many misunderstandings and then we switch into the other language to clarify and he prefers to argue in English to be 100% sure that I understand him (which I don't always anyway!)

[Kathryn41 3,205]

I speak and write Canadian; he speaks and writes Southern US American. Fortunately, both are predicated on English so we only have occasional problems with words that have different meanings and connotations. All of you who are creating lasting relationships with two or even three different languages - you have my admiration and respect for what you are doing. Relationships are hard enough when you both speak the same (almost) language, let alone something different!

(Definition of Southern US American: words with one syllable are pronounced with three or more syllables; words of three or more syllables are pronounced with only one syllable, slurred ).

Edited February 10, 2007 by Kathryn41

[GabachaYucateca 0]

I already answered above about my situation, but Kathryn's comment got me thinking...I'm so used to arguing, joking, screaming, whatever with my SO in Spanish, and sometimes during the fighting, I'd get so frustrated that he couldn't see my point of view. I thought it was because of a language barrier. then after talking to my friends who have native English speaking partners, I realized that they would have similar arguments with their SOs and they couldn't get through to their partners either. I always thought they were lucky to share the same language but then I realized that there are so many other factors involved that thwart understanding and it wasn't just the language. For us, part of it is cultural (traditional Maya fellow from a tiny village and independent, liberal qhite girl from upper middle class America) but in many ways, we've been able to deal with those cultural things.

[AgRo 0]

I am from Poland but have lived in the US since I was 9, and my fiance is from Mexico. We met and lived together in Spain so we have always communicated in Spanish from the beginning and any arguments we've had were in Spanish too. I am fluent in Spanish, so we have not had many problems in that aspect, but I can't seem to speak English with my fiance as hard as I try! He really needs the practice since he will be moving here soon and will need to interview for jobs. I know that by speaking English with him I would help him tremendously, but we both agree that it is awkward for us to speak English since we have always been speaking Spanish together. It's just like it's awkward for me to speak English with my parents since we have always spoken Polish. I have always loved languages and speak Polish, English, Spanish and Portuguese, and I relate each language to the person I am speaking with. Just like I relate Polish to my parents, I relate Spanish to my fiance.

My question is - in the future, if we raise our kids in the US, and I speak Polish with the kids while my fiance speaks Spanish with them, will that be too confusing or will they learn to associate each language with the person they are speaking with? This way they would respond to me in Polish and to their father in Spanish, but then how would we have entire family conversations? And is it wrong to speak Polish to my kids in front of my husband if he does not understand it? The alternative is to just speak English to the kids, but they would get English in school anyway and I just think it would be so enriching to have them learn Polish and Spanish from the beginning as well.

[antda 13]

Hi Kathryn,

I agree, there are differences with the same language that are in different dialects. Like you, I write Canadian English, but my husband and the other Americans around here write American English. Lol....this isn't a problem though, except that there are some interesting debates when it comes to writing in Canadian English and American English (by the way, I still prefer Canadian English in terms of writing and spelling words).

Ant

I speak and write Canadian; he speaks and writes Southern US American. Fortunately, both are predicated on English so we only have occasional problems with words that have different meanings and connotations. All of you who are creating lasting relationships with two or even three different languages - you have my admiration and respect for what you are doing. Relationships are hard enough when you both speak the same (almost) language, let alone something different!

(Definition of Southern US American: words with one syllable are pronounced with three or more syllables; words of three or more syllables are pronounced with only one syllable, slurred ).

[GabachaYucateca 0]

AgRo...there's so much interesting info out there about raising multilingual kids, and what I've come to understand only scratches the surface.

Your kids should have no problems understanding and learning Spanish and Polish if you start speaking to them from the womb on. They won't be able to differentiate with whom to speak which language, as they don't seem to understand that they're speaking different languages until their like five or so. The only problem I could see is with having the languages reinforced outside of the home so that they truly learn them, but if they live in a Hispanic area and hang with your parents, they'll be able to deal.

Of course, they have to want to learn these languages. If not, they'll probably end up only understanding and not speaking. Example, a friend of mine (actually her parents were from Poland!) married a Mexican guy and they had two kids, one who was really interested in learning English (they live in Mexico) and the other not...now that they're adults, her daughter speaks English with an American accent and her son with a thick Mexican accent because he didn't want to learn or speak English. She loved to tell me that when he was little and looking for his socks, he asked her "Mama, donde puse mis socketines!"

And my boyfriend is Mayan, but nobody ever made an effort to speak to him in Maya so he sucks at speaking it although he understands everything. His older brothers spent a lot of time with their grandparents who didn't speal any Spanish, and they speak Maya really well. He actually feels bad about not being able to communicate really well in Maya.

I know what you mean about not being able to speak English with your SO...no matter how hard we try, we go back to Spanish and if I speak English to him, I start speaking in my ESL teacher voice, which is irritating.

Sorry for the long post, but this really interests me!

[MariaEric 0]

Eric and I speak english all the time, since the beginning, he still doesnt speak spanish and I dont think he will ever speak spanish good enough for us to use it at home...so when we have kids he is not going to understand a thing

He has a 'spanish for dummies' book, now he just has to actually open it and take a look...I only speak spanish while on the phone with my family or when i get mad and start spitting words i thankful he cannot understand

I have also told him the spanish from Spain (mine) is very different from the spanish from other spanish speaking countries to the point of being ununderstandable sometimes...I normally joke about it telling him not to worry since that is not 'real spanish'