Has my marriage been ruined by PMS (or rather by my inability to deal with it?)

[SteveXXJuliet 27]

B.J. I for one would enjoy reading what you have to say. My original post "felt" stereotypically sexist. Though after hearing what so many say, while the facts do not apply to all Filipinas, it no longer looks either stereotypical or sexist.

The beauty of the posts is that we can respectfully disagree and state one's points. Anything that helps me understand is worth listening to.

[pachacuti 154]

I hope you are too. And fight, if necessary, I will. It's a frightening thought. If found guilty of a single domestic violence charge I'd never work an an RN again. You are correct though--"only $200 might be financial deprivation" while $2000 might be coercive behavior. As difficult as it is I'm coming to the point where there will be no further chance. I've been burnt, I'm not the first, and I won't be the last. Sad.

A domestic violence charge requires evidence and I do not believe that such evidence, even if twisted, could prevail.

Well, most likely you would be facing a DVPO (domestic violence protection order) which is civil and not criminal. As long as you follow the "always have a witness" strategy, you should be safe from criminal DV charges.

DVPO hearings are (in Washington at least) evidentiary hearings. They do not require evidence per se. The judge will listen to testimony and view evidence from both sides and side with the side that meets more than 50% of the likelihood. Judges often err on the side of caution, however.

Still DVPO probably wouldn't affect your ability to work as an RN, but I would check with your union.

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

If you intend to build a house do you ignore the plot of land, or the septic system siting costs, or builing permits, and just look at the cost of building the house? You are correct though for I enjoyed my trips--but the Philippines is not my destination of choice for fun--it is for good women, or so I thought but I'll take Thailand for food.

As far as screens, they were surprisingly inexpensive, a mere $200. And oddly--they worked. I say oddly because the guy who installed them (sliding screens) did it in such a way that there was a 1/2" space at the junction. A hummingbird could have flown through that space. Maybe Cebu mosquitoes are dumb.

No she didn't get abducted by giant mosquitoes but her sister spent several days in the hospital recovering from Hemorrhagic Dengue fever carried by the Aedes aegypti mosquito identifiable by the bright spots on its legs. Dengue is called Breakbone fever--it's called that for a reason--if you are affected in is extremely painful. A few hundred dollars to protect my love and myself seemed quite rational to me and I would do it again (with a different installer). 50-100 million people are infected each year globally. Most infected have mild symptoms, about 5% have severe, painful symptoms, about 1% or less develop Dengue Hemorrhagic fever which is life threatening. If the Philippine government set up a not too costly program and bred giant lantern beetles for school kids to distribute into old water filled tires and drums, mosquitofish, or fostered bat housing (some bats eat 1500 mosquitoes every hour) the problem would be eliminated. If somehow the local's learned to turn empty barrels by turning them upside down and not let water accumulate in old tires--that would go a long way too. But remember, $86,764,775US (not peso) has been sent to the Philippines by the US government alone--ignoring other aid-- for Typhoon Yolanda and still last Saturday there were hundreds of unburied dead laying in the streets in Tacloban City.

RP is a strange country, there are plenty of ulta-rich (which is a reason why it's one of the most expensive places on earth to make a phone call to) but lots, lots, more impoverished. They do their best and I'll hang screens and use repellent.

Sir, I'll never suggest that you don't provide for your family with your best capacity.

I only question if you can, in an accounting method, apportion the complete $12k to the journey.

Maybe you weren't and I misread.

[B_J 2,752]

Stereotypes exist for a reason.

And the reason is?

[B_J 2,752]

B.J. I for one would enjoy reading what you have to say. My original post "felt" stereotypically sexist. Though after hearing what so many say, while the facts do not apply to all Filipinas, it no longer looks either stereotypical or sexist.

The beauty of the posts is that we can respectfully disagree and state one's points. Anything that helps me understand is worth listening to.

I have no idea if you're being scammed. If I had to give you advice, I would say that, if you're in doubt, protect yourself. I also know nothing about PMS. And, as a guy, I hope to keep it that way.

I have problems when people try to stereotype millions of people, especially in a derogatory manner. Here are some examples:

I will give you my opinion based on my experience with Filipina, point blank, put your emotions to the side, file a complaint with the USIC and do what you can to get her deported back to her country. you're situation is common and is typical to the following

1. Filipina can't adjust to the U.S. culture because they are not accustom to working, driving, or the hustle of this country This is ludicrous. There are Filipinas who are used to working, driving, and the hustle of their own major cities. There are stories of Filipinas moving here and being bored because they are in a smaller town than they are used to.

2. Filipina have relatives / friends / boy friends already in the U.S. and they use other men to get them to the U.S.

3. Filipina feel out of place in this country because they don't have their family to hide behind

4. Filipina have a warped perspective of the United States and the reality becomes a shock to them

If you're wife falls in either of the follow criteria you might want to think twice about working things out

1. doesn't speak English very well A person's ability to speak English does not dictate their value as a person and whether things can be worked out.

2. wasn't working in her own country My wife had not worked in her own country. Things are fine with us.

3. only has a high school degree

4. doesn't know how to drive a car My wife had never driven and still doesn't drive. Things are fine with us.

5. assumed that you would take care of all her needs Our marriage is based on the concept that I take care of her and she takes care of me.

6. thinks that everyone in America is rich My wife had encountered Americans when she was in the Philippines. Most were rich. She knew my situation and knew that we would never be rich. Also, the Americans she had encountered were also all a$$holes. She never assumed that was true of all Americans either.

7. Accuse you to sleeping with other women when all you do is go to work and come home

8. Does not effectively communicate

9. Is challenged at following logic Could we be a little more demeaning. My wife thinks differently than me at times; but I also know that she is very smart. It is possible to be smart and logical while still thinking differently than me.

10. Does want to interact with various English speaking people

11. Hide behind you My wife stands behind me sometimes. It's annoying. I think she does it in the stores so that she can sneak off and look at clothes.

12. Always referring to "in the Philippines..." We use this phrase a lot. We talk about the Philippines and how things are different. Some things are better, some are not. I think discussions are good.

13. Has illogical beliefs She has some beliefs that are different than mine. I would never insult her and claim they are illogical. Except for the wakwak. She will always claim that it's real.

14. Thinks that she should have control over the money My wife has total control over our money. Not her money or my money, but our money. And she does a much better job budgeting than I ever have.

15. Can't seem to follow a conversation in English but is always speaking with her other fellow Filipina in her native or national language

16. Doesn't seems to grasp DIHH (Dual Income House Hold)

If you find your wife to be / wife as a combination of either of the above list. her picking argument is a common ploy used by Filipina who have found their way to the U.S. and now want to be out of the relationship.

Sorry, but as other people have said, PROTECT YOURSELF, put your emotions to the side and follow the dots (logic).

Once she finds out that she can't move without your help, she will be back but only to get her status adjusted, then the arguing starts again.

Just my two cents based on my experience with Filipina (dating).

Yes, my wife and I have arguments. But the fact that she has some of the traits listed above in now way means she wants out of the relationship.

The point is - you, I, all of us on here - we didn't marry a stereotype. We didn't marry a series of traits that belong to all people from a certain country. We married a person. An individual who has their own personality. She is not defined by what some stranger on the internet says Filipinas are like.

You know your wife better than any of us. I hope things work out for you.

[SteveXXJuliet 27]

Thank you B_J, there are good points there.

About the only one that I take exception to is: "A person's ability to speak English does not dictate their value as a person and whether things can be worked out."

I do agree with the statement and their ability to speak English does not dictate their value, certainly to their spouse.

And today there are enclaves where everyone speaks Spanish--entire communities including stores, banks, employers. Certainly for Spanish speakers that have no desire to adopt English these people can live comfortably and are valued.

But I devalue, though I try not to, someone who say's "I don't got no money," or even "can you give me some advise," It doesn't mean that I don't like the person, or that I would not hire such a person--and I value an immigrant who mixes up advise/advice more than most Americans. So I "cut slack" where it's deserved. And while not being able to speak good English does not devalue "the person," it does devalue their opportunities in life outside their family or rather "might devalue opportunities.

"Is challenged at following logic. "My wife thinks differently than me at times; but I also know that she is very smart. It is possible to be smart and logical while still thinking differently than me.

I agree, and often differences of opinion and perception at what is logical is very colored by cultural history. Sometimes a couple needs to "agree to disagree," and leave it at that. Inter-cultural marriages do take work.

[SteveXXJuliet 27]

Reading on VAWA what I find is shocking.

http://www.immigrationfraudvictims.com/flier.html

I'm amazed.

[B_J 2,752]

Thank you B_J, there are good points there.

About the only one that I take exception to is: "A person's ability to speak English does not dictate their value as a person and whether things can be worked out."

I do agree with the statement and their ability to speak English does not dictate their value, certainly to their spouse.

And today there are enclaves where everyone speaks Spanish--entire communities including stores, banks, employers. Certainly for Spanish speakers that have no desire to adopt English these people can live comfortably and are valued.

But I devalue, though I try not to, someone who say's "I don't got no money," or even "can you give me some advise," It doesn't mean that I don't like the person, or that I would not hire such a person--and I value an immigrant who mixes up advise/advice more than most Americans. So I "cut slack" where it's deserved. And while not being able to speak good English does not devalue "the person," it does devalue their opportunities in life outside their family or rather "might devalue opportunities.

"Is challenged at following logic. "My wife thinks differently than me at times; but I also know that she is very smart. It is possible to be smart and logical while still thinking differently than me.

I agree, and often differences of opinion and perception at what is logical is very colored by cultural history. Sometimes a couple needs to "agree to disagree," and leave it at that. Inter-cultural marriages do take work.

Yeah, I understand what you're saying. I actually meant that a person who has English as their first language is not a better person than somebody who does not. But, as far as future opportunities, you are definitely correct.

I really do hope things work out.

[SteveXXJuliet 27]

For some reason part of the above post is denied here it is in totality.

Reading on VAWA what I find is shocking.

http://www.immigrationfraudvictims.com/flier.html

I'm amazed.

From this: http://www.immigrationfraudvictims.com/

DID YOU KNOW?

On October 20, 1999, a federal district court in New Jersey joined the 9th Circuit and the Federal District Court in Washington, D.C. in ruling that the use of secret evidence violates a non-citizen's due process rights: "The government's reliance on secret evidence violates the due process protections that the Constitution directs must be extended to all person within the United States, citizens and resident aliens alike. The INS procedures patently failed the ... test of constitutional sufficiency." Yet, an American citizen is not given due process rights when accused of abuse by a foreign spouse!

So, hypothetically, if sis is aware of this it's cut and dry.

If an immigrant cares to: Be like a parasite, attach to the victim, then at a convenient time, drop off and file VAWA, stating anything, and bingo--Green Card.

[SteveXXJuliet 27]

Would someone in the know define the timeline of a VOWA and when/if the accused is notified that the complaint exists? And once the complaint is filed then what happens? How does the accused even know of the complaint?

Amazing--to go from happy and hopeful to fearful over a few days.

The singular fact that sis in Arizona will not talk, text, or even respond seems most alarming to me.

[Ebunoluwa 6,136]

Stereotypes exist for a reason.

For reasons stemming from a lack of understanding and fear. Sometimes just plain ignorance.

[Caryh 5,206]

Would someone in the know define the timeline of a VOWA and when/if the accused is notified that the complaint exists? And once the complaint is filed then what happens? How does the accused even know of the complaint?

Amazing--to go from happy and hopeful to fearful over a few days.

The singular fact that sis in Arizona will not talk, text, or even respond seems most alarming to me.

You're reading some alarmist web sites, so you're going to get a rather biased view. You are never accused of anything by the government or informed that a VAWA case has been filed. The timeline appears quite long from applying to actually getting a green card thru VAWA. Over a year and I believe closer to two years. Nothing will go on the record against you. That is unless they chose to make false criminal complaints, or file an order of protection against you in order to bolster their case. This is where the harm to innocent people can occur.

False abuse allegations and requests for orders of protection are also pretty common in divorce to gain an upper hand, particularly when there is custody issues. This is a problem that spans beyond immigration, but no one is really coming up with a solution to prevent or reduce it. In true abuse cases, protecting the victim is important. Those same protections can be used to essentially abuse someone by falsely accusing them.

Sis in Arizona not talking sounds like she has an exit strategy planned for your wife. Maybe VAWA, maybe just living as an illegal like her. You've got a bit of time to plan, since you just files AOS, and have yet to even get a the notice of action. But if it truly appears she's planning on splitting up, then pull the affidavit of support, and let her deal with trying to get a green card or returning home on her own.

Edited January 9, 2014 by Caryh

[belinda63 3,038]

As I said before, pull the affidavit of support NOW, TODAY, DON'T WAIT. If things work out between the two of you there is always a refiling of the AOS. Sounds like sis is trying, in ignorance, to get a green card for your wife (her sister) and then use that route to get green cards for all the family. Since your wife came on a K-1 Visa she has NO WAY to adjust except with you or VAWA. Doesn't sound like she has anything for a VAWA claim and since she is far away she can't get any evidence to support a VAWA.

Again.....pull the affidavit of support now. You can always refile.

[Vitaliy_and_Katya 3]

usually, during PMS, chocolate and red wine are useful. That's all I'm a gonna say. Oh Wait ! Midol also !

I would add meditation, yoga, green calming tee and Agnus Castus (sold in pills usually).

To set the immigration problems aside (there are a lot of answers on that already), I'd answer your PMS concerns.

It's difficult for a woman to handle the PMS (hormones are fluctuating, headaches, crying over nothing ) and certain organization such as doing yoga regularly and exercising, swimming would help.

I can only imagine how difficult that might be for a man or anyone around to handle a behavior like that. I didn't read your post till the end, and not sure if you would like to safe the relationship, but I would try to talk to your wife when she doesn't have mood swings and try to make her understand how difficult that has been for you but that you love her no matter what and want the best for your relationship.

If she wants the same, she will make the effort to make it better. It certainly requires certain will power to change a lifestyle to a more healthy one - maybe see a doctor and accept that what's going on with her is not helping your relationship in any way.

I hope everything works out better for you.

[Sandra G. 5,048]

You will never find out she filed vawa or not.Uscis won't hear your side of the story ok.