Has my marriage been ruined by PMS (or rather by my inability to deal with it?)

[SteveXXJuliet 27]

A big thumbs up to all of you--thanks. This really helps me take an objective view which is difficult.

There is one positive in all this--I've lost seven pounds. (I know...it really is not a healthy way to lose weight)

Reading the above I'm inclined to believe that her intentions may have been good but coming to Northeast America in November--the start of our bleak winter can really make anyone feel isolated. She spends a huge deal of time online at Facebook, often chatting with friends, always in Cebuano. She's actively searched for Filipinas nearby and found one a mere two hours drive away. Last week I suggested that we drive over and spend an afternoon. So she talked with her friend--but received no invitation, so I presume that her friend's guy doesn't desire this.

She's always cold, even though I keep the temperature at 79-82 degrees (which is insane by New England standards, not to mention $200+/week for oil. I set her up with an ESL course, she tested and only got one question wrong, placing her at advanced-intermediate, but then later announced that she did not want to take the course. I remember her recounting what the education counselor told her who was in the class--Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese--but no Filipina.

She grasps but does not really embrace a very important subject that yraheera wrote earlier: "Doesn't seems to grasp DIHH (Dual Income House Hold)" She's always talking about getting a job but contrary to what I expected "any job" (McDonalds) comes to mind. I've explained that I'd much prefer that she educate herself, which I think would be fairly easy, enter college and aim at a $20+/hour job, since Mickey D's $8/hour today is chump change. (Note: I don't intend to demean anyone working for McD's and believe it's actually a great place to work for a year--but if a person does not move up they are in for grief in today's economy).

Looking back, objectively, she's not happy maybe for many reasons but the predominant one is that I think she wants others--Cebuano preferably, but Tagalog speakers are fine, around her and they are not to be found here. When moving to another country one must embrace what one finds and I will agree with her that her family in Bohol and Cebu are treasures.

I suspect that the lure of sis in Phoenix, Arizona, perhaps tied in with the strange thinking (easily irritated--easily angered--not particularly logical) that comes with PMS plus an Ate (elder sister) willing to pay for her ticket such that she's on a plane heading to Arizona within two hours with the added winter, end of unemployment benefits, my difficulty finding a job (it's rumored that there is one job available in NH but nobody knows where it is) and perhaps with my anxiety about the severe costs associated with New England winters became too much.

The grass always seems greener on the other side.

I took my marriage vows seriously and truly believed that this would be the last love of my life. It blows my mind to see it end, so soon--and for no reason that was voiced.

I thought she was Ate (elder sister--which in the Philippines is a very special place, and I think create very special woman--and who would make wonderful mothers and wives) but now am inclined to think that her sister in Arizona is Ate, and in fact she is bebe. (the youngest). That's a generalization but one that, from experience, which is often true. The Ate's are the caretakers--the givers, the bebe's (not always) tend to be self-centered). Anyone who wants to debate this, please feel free to do so--I enjoy learning about Philippine culture).

I especially liked Sandranj's comments:

"With PMS or not she was able to move to another State, probably to stay with her relatives or friends, she will find a job or maybe another man, as you can see PMS won't stop her to live in the US, hey but I thought she came to this Country to be with you.

When she files Vawa and gets Her green card come back here to tell us if you still believe she was suffering PMS.Good luck."

Vawa is frightening. I suggest that anyone interested read this: "http://www.nifvi.org/pdf/ShowingExtremeCrueltyVAWAI-751WaiverApp.pdf"

So much of that is subjective and I'll stand to accuse the writer of this document that much of it is leading/coaching. For instance "(Only answer these questions if you and your case worker think you need to show more abuse to win your case and even then, only if you want to and have a way to cope with the embarrassment and pain it may cause you.)"

I do now wonder if the game is Vawa aimed, but not by Juliet, but possibly by her sister who is admirably cunning (but not particularly bright--as in the 8 hectares of swamp she bought on Bohol that sits there useless). I've called her a "weasel," based upon her dealings and that is meant in a good way (weasels are small and agile animals that are as tough as nails and can stand up to any problem and get into places where others cannot). I'm guilty of some of the items in Vawa--who doesn't get angry sometimes? But I am in no way guilty of a pattern of cruelty--VAWA has its place but I will make every effort to squelch such an action and would then make every effort to actively allege fraud. But the fear of having to fight such a claim far, far exceeds the fear of her actually prevailing (to the lawyer who wrote the document--one does not "win" a legal case--one prevails. "Win" connotes chance (as in a lottery, or dice) and legal arguments are based only upon facts and evidence, one does not "win," rather one party "prevails."). I don't believe that she has any chance in prevailing in a VAWA case--but I know enough about law to realize that much of it is used, not by "frivolous" cases as is often claimed, but rather as in the divorce cases by lawyers whose only goal is to prolong a case to rack up billable hours. And have no doubt about that--like car salespeople, they are very, very good at doing what they do. So I hope it never comes to such a case.

I now recommend that anyone bringing a wife to America read that document and make absolutely sure that you never tread on one aspect of it. Juliet certainly can't get Vawa on the common economic cruelty ploy--she had at least $200 in cash when she left and prior to leaving had a Bank of America Credit Card (in her name) with $15,000 of headroom on it, and freedom to use it. (Which she never abused).

The sister in Arizona may be the kingpin here. From what I understand she is undocumented (illegal) and her drive to bring family to America is powerful. I know that she makes $20+/hour, but wonder how that can be--is that much work done "under the table?" Currently she is sending one of her brothers to school (auto mechanics) with the intent that he come to America. (I never quite understood how that was to happen--if he was an IT specialist he could get an H-1B but an auto mechanic is not one of the H-1B skills as far as I know).

Another alarming thing that sticks out is that I asked her sister to call me after Juliet called her--since I wanted her to know that I offered Juliet $2000 in cash, and offered to pay for a ticket to Cebu and since I don't understand Cebuano I can only wonder what was said. Additionally I asked Juliet to ask her sister to tell me that she was arranging a ticket at the airport, simply a confirmation as I did not want to take her to the airport which seemed like abandonment unless she had a ticket. Since she didn't respond to my calls, I sent sister a text and asked her to simply text me that Juliet had arrived safely. I never got one. This alone smells rotten to me. This alone makes me wonder if sis is the "driver."

I don't particularly mind the ~$12,000 spent but I sorely miss my trashed hopes, plans and dreams with a woman that most of the time was a treat to spend life with. Nonetheless, from any way it is viewed, severe PMS, her being dissatisfied with me/America, fraudulent intent or "grass is greener in Arizona" or a combination the symptoms indicate a terminal condition. I truly envy those of you who advise others here who clearly have good long-term relationships.

Again, thank you all for helping me sort this out.

[Darnell 8,478]

well, that's a new twist, the sister bits in AZ.

Smells to me like coaching, and I've written of coaching and coaches here over the years.

Basically, if a recent immigrant is coached, and follows the coaches advice (to the letter, right or wrong) then the INTENT of recent immigrant doesn't have you at the top of the priority list.

Sorry. (I'm not going to write more about coaches, but you can glean other stuff about coaching and coaches here at VJ)

[SteveXXJuliet 27]

What a great synopsis of "typical" Pinay behavior.... Well done!

This certainly mirrors the attitudes and behaviors of the outer province (or mountain) girls for sure. That is why I have always advised Americans to find a girl that is well educated and be very careful of Visayas girls that post themselves freely on the dating sites. Most of those marriages here have failed in our groups of friends. At least if she is educated she will be able to get a job here and feel good about herself. Boredom is your enemy and she needs to feel accepted and productive.

When I read the original post I was immediately shocked at the documentation of her period cycles. I really don't know anyone who tracks this behavior.

I tend to believe yraheem knowing what I know about Filipina and have to conclude that this was set-up in her mind from the beginning.

Like It was suggested, there will be much advise and opinion on this post but that's what my experiences tell me.

BTW: We only have one side of this story ... and there are always two. She may have some legitimate reasons for leaving. For a Pinay to have a husband that does not have a job is very shameful too.

How very sad, though I am not saying what you say is untrue, as I tend to lean away from cities, high heels, make-up and sometimes a lust for material objects. My ideal would be an Ate Barangay "girl" (women to whom it matters) who come from a close family and who have close ties to the land, and I had hoped to find, and thought I did, one that valued self-improvement. Juliet seemed to be such a woman and indeed, from the hundreds of hours that we have spent studying English and reading together from half a dozen free ebooks such as Jules Verne "Around the World in Eighty Days" this seemed to be the case. I love teaching English and would do it for a living if it was remunerative. Many years ago I even went to Chiang mai, Thailand to take a SIT (School for International Training) TESOL (Teacher of English to Speakers of Other Languages. Unfortunately the class was cancelled and to this day has never been resurrected in Chiang mai.

As for tracking cycles--frankly any man who does this is wise, and perhaps selfish. I know I am. If certain restaurants that I like are open only on certain days I do know when they are available. And I know for certain (though not all women react the same--though most do) about days 8-14. Check it out guys:

http://www.femalefirst.co.uk/relationships/tips-151.html?ModPagespeed=noscript

Note: The link seems to disappear when I preview post, if that is the case here is an excerpt: (To find the article use the excerpt to search for it via google)

Day 8 to 14 is usually when you are feeling your most horny. This is when your body will get ready to release another egg so it is also your most fertile- so be careful!

Those super sexy oestrogen levels are starting to rise at this point as your body gets ready for some baby making.

This is not only when you will experience the best orgasms and the highest sex drive but you will also attract the attention of more men.

Research has shown that men are drawn to ovulating women- which is strange considering the thought of actually producing a baby makes most men run for the hills.

And you are correct and I do have my shortcomings and I do wonder if I simply did not live up to expectations. There is always both sides to a story though it is sad when one side chooses to remain totally silent. A man cannot fulfill a woman's unvoiced needs. As for a job--as long as I move several hours away I can have one and it is my choice to find only a good one that is suitable for me and which has some longevity (though I'd take anything reasonable in the area where my properties are and do actively search--but this area is pathetic). If that was the issue I could, in short order take a two day a week (contract) job near Boston and gross $768/week. Though $3300/gross ($2640 net) a month does not afford a very nice lifestyle (an "ok" apartment runs around $1400/month in that area--and that requires first, last and security deposit of $4,200 and a year lease--for a job that could end in short order) so to me finding the "right" job is more important than any job especially since I can live for very little in one of my rental income apartments. But you are right--and I feel shame at not having a job, though when I go to a group meeting which is part of a national organization and find half the nurses there unemployed, or working only part time jobs it does reassure me that the problem is not solely with me. I admit--I'm too fat and need to lose 35lbs (make that 27 pounds now) maybe Juliet could never voice dissatisfaction or perhaps as some men are prone to do--we don't hear it. Your point is a good one.

Edited January 9, 2014 by SteveXXJuliet

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

A big thumbs up to all of you--thanks. This really helps me take an objective view which is difficult.

There is one positive in all this--I've lost seven pounds. (I know...it really is not a healthy way to lose weight)

Reading the above I'm inclined to believe that her intentions may have been good but coming to Northeast America in November--the start of our bleak winter can really make anyone feel isolated. She spends a huge deal of time online at Facebook, often chatting with friends, always in Cebuano. She's actively searched for Filipinas nearby and found one a mere two hours drive away. Last week I suggested that we drive over and spend an afternoon. So she talked with her friend--but received no invitation, so I presume that her friend's guy doesn't desire this.

She's always cold, even though I keep the temperature at 79-82 degrees (which is insane by New England standards, not to mention $200+/week for oil. I set her up with an ESL course, she tested and only got one question wrong, placing her at advanced-intermediate, but then later announced that she did not want to take the course. I remember her recounting what the education counselor told her who was in the class--Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese--but no Filipina.

She grasps but does not really embrace a very important subject that yraheera wrote earlier: "Doesn't seems to grasp DIHH (Dual Income House Hold)" She's always talking about getting a job but contrary to what I expected "any job" (McDonalds) comes to mind. I've explained that I'd much prefer that she educate herself, which I think would be fairly easy, enter college and aim at a $20+/hour job, since Mickey D's $8/hour today is chump change. (Note: I don't intend to demean anyone working for McD's and believe it's actually a great place to work for a year--but if a person does not move up they are in for grief in today's economy).

Looking back, objectively, she's not happy maybe for many reasons but the predominant one is that I think she wants others--Cebuano preferably, but Tagalog speakers are fine, around her and they are not to be found here. When moving to another country one must embrace what one finds and I will agree with her that her family in Bohol and Cebu are treasures.

I suspect that the lure of sis in Phoenix, Arizona, perhaps tied in with the strange thinking (easily irritated--easily angered--not particularly logical) that comes with PMS plus an Ate (elder sister) willing to pay for her ticket such that she's on a plane heading to Arizona within two hours with the added winter, end of unemployment benefits, my difficulty finding a job (it's rumored that there is one job available in NH but nobody knows where it is) and perhaps with my anxiety about the severe costs associated with New England winters became too much.

The grass always seems greener on the other side.

I took my marriage vows seriously and truly believed that this would be the last love of my life. It blows my mind to see it end, so soon--and for no reason that was voiced.

I thought she was Ate (elder sister--which in the Philippines is a very special place, and I think create very special woman--and who would make wonderful mothers and wives) but now am inclined to think that her sister in Arizona is Ate, and in fact she is bebe. (the youngest). That's a generalization but one that, from experience, which is often true. The Ate's are the caretakers--the givers, the bebe's (not always) tend to be self-centered). Anyone who wants to debate this, please feel free to do so--I enjoy learning about Philippine culture).

I especially liked Sandranj's comments:

"With PMS or not she was able to move to another State, probably to stay with her relatives or friends, she will find a job or maybe another man, as you can see PMS won't stop her to live in the US, hey but I thought she came to this Country to be with you.

When she files Vawa and gets Her green card come back here to tell us if you still believe she was suffering PMS.Good luck."

Vawa is frightening. I suggest that anyone interested read this: "http://www.nifvi.org/pdf/ShowingExtremeCrueltyVAWAI-751WaiverApp.pdf"

So much of that is subjective and I'll stand to accuse the writer of this document that much of it is leading/coaching. For instance "(Only answer these questions if you and your case worker think you need to show more abuse to win your case and even then, only if you want to and have a way to cope with the embarrassment and pain it may cause you.)"

I do now wonder if the game is Vawa aimed, but not by Juliet, but possibly by her sister who is admirably cunning (but not particularly bright--as in the 8 hectares of swamp she bought on Bohol that sits there useless). I've called her a "weasel," based upon her dealings and that is meant in a good way (weasels are small and agile animals that are as tough as nails and can stand up to any problem and get into places where others cannot). I'm guilty of some of the items in Vawa--who doesn't get angry sometimes? But I am in no way guilty of a pattern of cruelty--VAWA has its place but I will make every effort to squelch such an action and would then make every effort to actively allege fraud. But the fear of having to fight such a claim far, far exceeds the fear of her actually prevailing (to the lawyer who wrote the document--one does not "win" a legal case--one prevails. "Win" connotes chance (as in a lottery, or dice) and legal arguments are based only upon facts and evidence, one does not "win," rather one party "prevails."). I don't believe that she has any chance in prevailing in a VAWA case--but I know enough about law to realize that much of it is used, not by "frivolous" cases as is often claimed, but rather as in the divorce cases by lawyers whose only goal is to prolong a case to rack up billable hours. And have no doubt about that--like car salespeople, they are very, very good at doing what they do. So I hope it never comes to such a case.

I now recommend that anyone bringing a wife to America read that document and make absolutely sure that you never tread on one aspect of it. Juliet certainly can't get Vawa on the common economic cruelty ploy--she had at least $200 in cash when she left and prior to leaving had a Bank of America Credit Card (in her name) with $15,000 of headroom on it, and freedom to use it. (Which she never abused).

The sister in Arizona may be the kingpin here. From what I understand she is undocumented (illegal) and her drive to bring family to America is powerful. I know that she makes $20+/hour, but wonder how that can be--is that much work done "under the table?" Currently she is sending one of her brothers to school (auto mechanics) with the intent that he come to America. (I never quite understood how that was to happen--if he was an IT specialist he could get an H-1B but an auto mechanic is not one of the H-1B skills as far as I know).

Another alarming thing that sticks out is that I asked her sister to call me after Juliet called her--since I wanted her to know that I offered Juliet $2000 in cash, and offered to pay for a ticket to Cebu and since I don't understand Cebuano I can only wonder what was said. Additionally I asked Juliet to ask her sister to tell me that she was arranging a ticket at the airport, simply a confirmation as I did not want to take her to the airport which seemed like abandonment unless she had a ticket. Since she didn't respond to my calls, I sent sister a text and asked her to simply text me that Juliet had arrived safely. I never got one. This alone smells rotten to me. This alone makes me wonder if sis is the "driver."

I don't particularly mind the ~$12,000 spent but I sorely miss my trashed hopes, plans and dreams with a woman that most of the time was a treat to spend life with. Nonetheless, from any way it is viewed, severe PMS, her being dissatisfied with me/America, fraudulent intent or "grass is greener in Arizona" or a combination the symptoms indicate a terminal condition. I truly envy those of you who advise others here who clearly have good long-term relationships.

Again, thank you all for helping me sort this out.

$12k? Jeez how?

[BabyFaceWife 11]

It sounds like she may have PMDD which is a more serious form of PMS. Have you approached the subject about trying to get her some treatment since you've done the research and got some valid data to support that it's related to her cycle?

[SteveXXJuliet 27]

$12k? Jeez how?

Each trip to the Philippines costs me about $1300, plus where I live, believe it or not, a ride to the nearest airport adds $300 round trip (renting a one-way car each way costs the same, and sadly since for many years I've been working hours away from my properties I no longer have friends or family in the area . Admittedly I spent many weeks (very enjoyable) there but that was less than a thousand. Then add filing costs, flights to Manila for medical, filing fees, about $2,000 to assist Juliet for internet as well as to help out the family (~100-200/month) which I think is normal for the Philippines. Optometrist costs, dental costs, vaccination costs (not just ones included in the medical) such as two rounds of HPV to protect her in case I unknowingly carry any of the HPV virulent strains). Screens for her house so I could sleep at night without fear of Dengue fever (endemic in her area) a GIA "D" color, VS1, half carat diamond in a platinum setting, her flight here, costs for clothing here (it's winter and shorts don't cut it) and eventually a return flight to the Philippines (probably only ~$850). And let's not forget the $1060 AOS fee subtracted from my bank account two days ago. Hey, a decent used car costs about that much, if it had worked, I'd consider it quite the deal.

That's how. If you think I'm stupid, please enlighten me, I'm feeling very stupid at the moment, a bit more won't hurt much.

Edited January 9, 2014 by SteveXXJuliet

[Kajikit 65]

I don't know what her motives are... but if you take them clinically, her symptoms are not regular garden-variety PMS. That makes you a bit moody, maybe depressed or anxious or short-tempered, but it doesn't turn you into a raging beast with no self-control at all. If she comes back, take her to a psychiatrist for a proper evaluation.

[SteveXXJuliet 27]

It sounds like she may have PMDD which is a more serious form of PMS. Have you approached the subject about trying to get her some treatment since you've done the research and got some valid data to support that it's related to her cycle?

PMDD, though I'm not a medical practitioner tends to create turbulent periods much greater than a day or two. Someone posted here a rapid cycling bipolor--which makes more sense though I've not been aware of it. We had discussed going to a counselor to learn "how to argue respectfully" (and how to understand cultural differences in arguing) and would have done that had she not left. SSRI's are usually the front-line meds for PMDD, Prozac and Paxil come to mind--and could really help. But the SSRI's can come at a cost too. I suppose in a decade or so we can find meds that work for an individuals personal chemistry but the SSRI's can be strange, from mild numbing of personality to full blown emergency room visits which occurred to my niece who once went on Prozac. The problem is that all the SSRI's utilize the liver's enzymatic systems for detoxification. Prozac, for instance utilizes the liver's Cytochrome 3AD (I think, and may be wrong) for the body's removal system. Some people have very efficient 3AD systems and so the patient is under medicated, others such as my niece may have a very inefficient 3AD and so the desired pharmacological steady-state level of medication was far, far overshot leading to toxicity. Further Paxil is a medication that while sometimes IS the answer--weaning off Paxil can cause terrible problems. Though not a doctor or practitioner but as a nurse that often answers questions and offers suggestions I always offer the suggestion that a patient check with their Practitioner to wean off Paxil over 4 months to make sure the body accommodates the withdrawal. If curious search for "weaning off Paxil" and/or "dangers of SSRI). You'll find quite a lot.

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

Each trip to the Philippines costs me about $1300, plus where I live, believe it or not, a ride to the nearest airport adds $300 round trip (renting a one-way car each way costs the same, and sadly since for many years I've been working hours away from my properties I no longer have friends or family in the area . Admittedly I spent many weeks (very enjoyable) there but that was less than a thousand. Then add filing costs, flights to Manila for medical, filing fees, about $2,000 to assist Juliet for internet as well as to help out the family (~100-200/month) which I think is normal for the Philippines. Optometrist costs, dental costs, vaccination costs (not just ones included in the medical) such as two rounds of HPV to protect her in case I unknowingly carry any of the HPV virulent strains). Screens for her house so I could sleep at night without fear of Dengue fever (endemic in her area) a GIA "D" color, VS1, half carat diamond in a platinum setting, her flight here, costs for clothing here (it's winter and shorts don't cut it) and eventually a return flight to the Philippines (probably only ~$850). And let's not forget the $1060 AOS fee subtracted from my bank account two days ago. Hey, a decent used car costs about that much, if it had worked, I'd consider it quite the deal.

That's how. If you think I'm stupid, please enlighten me, I'm feeling very stupid at the moment, a bit more won't hurt much.

I don't think you're stupid, just wondering about the expense. You really can't lump all that expense on the journey though. The money to the family, screens for the windows?? (She didn't get abducted by giant mosquitoes before yah all met).

BTW, I hear you on the weight loss, I lost 50 pounds during my last divorce. Very expensive weight loss program.

[SteveXXJuliet 27]

I don't know what her motives are... but if you take them clinically, her symptoms are not regular garden-variety PMS. That makes you a bit moody, maybe depressed or anxious or short-tempered, but it doesn't turn you into a raging beast with no self-control at all. If she comes back, take her to a psychiatrist for a proper evaluation.

Good idea, I have a nice white jacket ready. Joking aside--you are correct. She was so out of control I even called the local woman's support group because I was afraid she'd endanger herself (such as walking away in 5 degree weather with no jacket which she threatened and which she did for a short while). Their advice was: "take her to the airport--she's an adult." And that's what I did. I was worried that dropping her (an immigrant in a new country) off at the airport without making sure she has a ticket would fall into the realm of "extreme cruelty."

If sis was not potentially a coach here--and Occam's Razor points in that direction, I'd do just that. It may be periodic mental instability combined with sis's agenda which would make it too complex to expect resolution. Fixing one, with another aspect active may be just a waste of time. In the absence of the sister your idea is a sound one.

I fear that this is a complex mix of issues.

[pachacuti 154]

I do now wonder if the game is Vawa aimed, but not by Juliet, but possibly by her sister who is admirably cunning [...]

I'm guilty of some of the items in Vawa--who doesn't get angry sometimes? But I am in no way guilty of a pattern of cruelty--VAWA has its place but I will make every effort to squelch such an action and would then make every effort to actively allege fraud. But the fear of having to fight such a claim far, far exceeds the fear of her actually prevailing (to the lawyer who wrote the document--one does not "win" a legal case--one prevails. "Win" connotes chance (as in a lottery, or dice) and legal arguments are based only upon facts and evidence, one does not "win," rather one party "prevails."). I don't believe that she has any chance in prevailing in a VAWA case--but I know enough about law to realize that much of it is used, not by "frivolous" cases as is often claimed, but rather as in the divorce cases by lawyers whose only goal is to prolong a case to rack up billable hours. And have no doubt about that--like car salespeople, they are very, very good at doing what they do. So I hope it never comes to such a case.

I now recommend that anyone bringing a wife to America read that document and make absolutely sure that you never tread on one aspect of it. Juliet certainly can't get Vawa on the common economic cruelty ploy--she had at least $200 in cash when she left and prior to leaving had a Bank of America Credit Card (in her name) with $15,000 of headroom on it, and freedom to use it. (Which she never abused).

The sister in Arizona may be the kingpin here.

I quote the sister stuff, just to say.... If this goes VAWA, it will be Juliet claiming VAWA. No matter who coaches her or whatnot, she will still be the one who pulls the trigger. Remember that.

Now, on saying that what you did or did not do not being construed as VAWA, you would be amazed at how those things will be twisted when the time comes. For instance, imagine that the 200 bucks gets construed as financially controlling behavior. The 2000 as coercion and intimidation.

Just start now making sure to protect yourself. I would even consider not contacting her. You never know how what you say can be used against you. If you do contact, you would be wise to consider having someone with you at all times. Just be careful.

Finally, you won't really have to fight VAWA. You will never truly know about the VAWA. You will be fighting things like domestic violence charges and petitions for protection orders.

Good luck and I hope I am wrong.

[SteveXXJuliet 27]

I don't think you're stupid, just wondering about the expense. You really can't lump all that expense on the journey though. The money to the family, screens for the windows?? (She didn't get abducted by giant mosquitoes before yah all met).

BTW, I hear you on the weight loss, I lost 50 pounds during my last divorce. Very expensive weight loss program.

If you intend to build a house do you ignore the plot of land, or the septic system siting costs, or builing permits, and just look at the cost of building the house? You are correct though for I enjoyed my trips--but the Philippines is not my destination of choice for fun--it is for good women, or so I thought but I'll take Thailand for food.

As far as screens, they were surprisingly inexpensive, a mere $200. And oddly--they worked. I say oddly because the guy who installed them (sliding screens) did it in such a way that there was a 1/2" space at the junction. A hummingbird could have flown through that space. Maybe Cebu mosquitoes are dumb.

No she didn't get abducted by giant mosquitoes but her sister spent several days in the hospital recovering from Hemorrhagic Dengue fever carried by the Aedes aegypti mosquito identifiable by the bright spots on its legs. Dengue is called Breakbone fever--it's called that for a reason--if you are affected in is extremely painful. A few hundred dollars to protect my love and myself seemed quite rational to me and I would do it again (with a different installer). 50-100 million people are infected each year globally. Most infected have mild symptoms, about 5% have severe, painful symptoms, about 1% or less develop Dengue Hemorrhagic fever which is life threatening. If the Philippine government set up a not too costly program and bred giant lantern beetles for school kids to distribute into old water filled tires and drums, mosquitofish, or fostered bat housing (some bats eat 1500 mosquitoes every hour) the problem would be eliminated. If somehow the local's learned to turn empty barrels by turning them upside down and not let water accumulate in old tires--that would go a long way too. But remember, $86,764,775US (not peso) has been sent to the Philippines by the US government alone--ignoring other aid-- for Typhoon Yolanda and still last Saturday there were hundreds of unburied dead laying in the streets in Tacloban City.

RP is a strange country, there are plenty of ulta-rich (which is a reason why it's one of the most expensive places on earth to make a phone call to) but lots, lots, more impoverished. They do their best and I'll hang screens and use repellent.

[AmyWrites 593]

Not PMS. Probably a hormonal problem, or something pyschiatric going on. Or she's scamming you/being coached. I vote the latter.

[SteveXXJuliet 27]

I quote the sister stuff, just to say.... If this goes VAWA, it will be Juliet claiming VAWA. No matter who coaches her or whatnot, she will still be the one who pulls the trigger. Remember that.

Now, on saying that what you did or did not do not being construed as VAWA, you would be amazed at how those things will be twisted when the time comes. For instance, imagine that the 200 bucks gets construed as financially controlling behavior. The 2000 as coercion and intimidation.

Just start now making sure to protect yourself. I would even consider not contacting her. You never know how what you say can be used against you. If you do contact, you would be wise to consider having someone with you at all times. Just be careful.

Finally, you won't really have to fight VAWA. You will never truly know about the VAWA. You will be fighting things like domestic violence charges and petitions for protection orders.

Good luck and I hope I am wrong.

I hope you are too. And fight, if necessary, I will. It's a frightening thought. If found guilty of a single domestic violence charge I'd never work an an RN again. You are correct though--"only $200 might be financial deprivation" while $2000 might be coercive behavior. As difficult as it is I'm coming to the point where there will be no further chance. I've been burnt, I'm not the first, and I won't be the last. Sad.

A domestic violence charge requires evidence and I do not believe that such evidence, even if twisted, could prevail.

Edited January 9, 2014 by SteveXXJuliet

[Avery Cates 1,141]

I had a nice long reply written to your post but I decided it would be wiser to not post it.

Let me just say that I disagree with almost everything in your post. It is stereotyping, and borderline racist. Nice to know that still exists.

Stereotypes exist for a reason.