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tuck4x4

Married yesterday on K1, now my new wife wants to leave to go back home.

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Filed: K-1 Visa Country: Philippines
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It is exciting when you are about to go to America, but after few weeks, we all start longing home, the foods we use to eat, all the comforts we use to have, especially if we are very independent. It's not easy to keep waiting at home, without doing anything to create and provide financial benefits to the households.

Every one of you playing the "homesickness" card has completely changed the OP. Because you want to play the martyr card. Look at me, how much I sacrificed.

OP had a wife that agreed to marriage and then in ONE DAY said she wanted divorce. There is no excusing this with the "homesickness" canard. You don't MARRY them if you are so upset you want to leave both your fiancé and the country.

I've been in the Philippines for two months now, boo hoo hoo. Please cry for me. The MILF blew up the bridge less than one km from our house, bombed the grocery store we shopped at, assassinated American Steve Kindy on a Jeepney just for being an Americano - I could go on but what I am doing instead of crying like a little baby is looking for a safer place to re-locate my family where there isn't a war going on or kidnap for ransom gangsters. On Mindanao we have the Moro Islamic Liberation Front (MILF), the Moro National Liberation Front (MNLF), the NPA (New People's Army) and Abu Sayyef. The Maguindanao Massacre happened not far away, and look at what just happened in Zamboanga with the MNLF and government firefight.

I spent Christmas Eve listening to intelligence reports being read off an Army Captain's cell phone on insurgent movements and operations. More than a thousand armed MILF fighers had assembled in Marawi City less than 30 km from our front door on the 23rd. Am I on here complaining about what a martyr I am? How terrible it is to be away from my home where there has never been a murder in the recorded history of my area? How I miss the food or first world amenities? While at the house I left two times in two weeks - once by boat at the back of the house and once by private car backing up to the front because it is just too dangerous for an Americano right now. I paid for her father to leave work so he can act as full time security for the kids while I am looking for property on Luzon. It might take me two more months, it might take me two years. I just don't know and selling the place I built on Mindanao is a problem now that the Autonomous Region of Muslim Mindanao has expanded to within a couple of kilometers from the house. *sniffle* Poor me.

I find it offensive frankly that I should be looked upon as a child that can't handle myself and figure out what to do on my own. The time to learn about your Fiance's culture is before you even meet them. I knew more about the history of the war here than my wife did when I met her. Nobody had to tell me about Filipino culture because I already knew, and it was a major reason for choosing a wife here. People have it completely backwards by picking a wife and then learning about her culture afterwards. I waded into a third-world war zone knowing full well what was going on and therefore I have zero reason to whine about it.

Bucking up is something that you can do with determination and grit, rational planning, and maturity. Whining, well - what does that take?

Edited by rlogan
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Filed: Timeline

I agree, I have not much respect for Gowon, too. My reference was a joke reference to another poster, but Gowon writes as if his words are gospel. Come off that high horse brother.

Love is trust, respect, devotion, faithfulness, communication, romance etc. regardless of age, race, ethnicity, or national origin.

Homesickness typically in children and young adolescents is a form of separation anxiety. These distress signs in an adult are usually signs of a different anxiety neurosis, especially if the person has had YEARS to prepare. Emotional range of a teaspoon? Really? How about the emotional range of a histrionic personality disorder?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Histrionic_personality_disorder

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Homesickness

Great link to the book on love above by the way.

I never had any respect for you VSG, so it's mutual and I'm not your Brother.

Stay on topic, this is not about me. If you don't wan to read my posts VJ includes a great feature to do just that.

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Hi Tuck!

I'm sorry about what's happening with you and your wife right now.. and some of the comments here are just rude... But as for me, I understand what your wife is going through coz I've gone through it the last 2 weeks.. I just got here in the states 21 days ago and America is not what I imagined it to be. Entirely different from the Philippines. Although I've worked in Malaysia for the last 7 years, America is very different. I felt like I just made a 360 degree turn in my life..... I thought I was ready to come here (yes, I was) but when I finally got here, I realize I wasn't. I had a hard time adjusting to the time, then the weather (it's super cold right now in Chicago), the food, the people, the lifestyle, the culture, the place, etc. I keep on whining and complaining how I hated the snow (when in fact I was very excited to see it), how I don't like american food, etc... My fiancee took me around to see places (be familiarize with roads etc), meet his friends (and their wives), went to asian market... And I was so passive and just reactive. He's making an effort for me so I won't get bored, so I will know how things works here. But I've been resisting it. Until a day before new year, we have an argument. Then it dawn to me, that the problem is with me. I couldn't adapt to the changes that's happening around me. All the things that I imagined about being here is entirely different from experiencing it. I have a problem of ADAPTING. I am so stuck in my old ways (Filipinism) and so scared to leave my comfort zone. I thought I was independent and strong enough, but I was wrong because I'm afraid to change. People don't really change, but we react to changes. It's so difficult to change. It's a struggle for me to change partly because I'm innately stubborn. But looking at my fiancee's face and looking back in all our hardships in getting the K1 visa and what we sacrificed in order for me to get here and be with him, I don't want to throw this away because I love him more than anything else. I told him we'll work it out, and it seems like I'm not working it out. So, I decided to change and be proactive (I need to change because if I will continue acting like this for the next couple of months, this won't last). Believe me it's hard ditching the things that I'm used to, but sometimes change is a good thing. In Love, we need to compromise. The word LOVE is not a noun, it's a verb, and it means hard work. Nobody said it's gonna be easy. But at least I'm trying and that's what I'm doing since last week, and I feel a bit better now. I'm still taking baby steps in adapting but I know one day I'll be able to adjust to everything.....And I think your wife needs to grow, adapt to changes, step out from her comfort zone and compromise.... It could be really hard and lonely being here and alone and has no friends and family. But she has to remember that she came here to build a family with you, to start a life with you. It may not be easy but it's worth the try if she really loves you unconditionally.... Talk it out with her and I hope you guys work things out. God Bless!!!

Rude people (read as in the OP's wife) need rude comments.

We Americans bring in new immigrants not because we are nice, nor lacking of available workers (read contributors). We've got enough headache of our own (high unemployment). The next thing we certainly don't want is bringing immigrants who don't want to work or just have one thing on their mind at all times "When can I fly back to my country?"

We want immigrants to start working hard the moment they arrive in this country. You can do lots of things, like prepare yourselves to get ready for the work roll. Go to school. Go to the librabries, read books. Extend your social networking, blah blah.

Lots of immigrants think (or don't care to think) money falls from trees in America. So spare me with the lame duck sorry ### excuse "I'm so homesick! I need to go back to my homecountry"

Here's the homesick stories of other Americans "Wait til Thanksgiving (or whenever you're given PTO) then you can go visit your beloved ones all you want. Til then, try to be productive to the society"

Maybe when you have less free time on your hands, you'll less likely to come up with crappie "homesick" feelings!

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  • 2 weeks later...
Filed: K-1 Visa Country: Philippines
Timeline

If you are having problems this soon let her go. Trust me I went through the same thing. Even if it gets better it will come back up and she will leave soon or later. The difference is after you file the AOS you will be financially responsible for her for the next 10 years!! Cut your loses now and choose better next time.

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  • 2 weeks later...
Filed: K-1 Visa Country: Philippines
Timeline
Hug your wife. Tell her how much you love her. Let her know that you understand she's going through a hard time, and encourage her to tell you about it. You might not be able to understand, but I am pretty sure that you want her to be happy. And plan a visit back to her country as soon as it's feasible from an advanced parole and financial position. Those periodic visits home were very helpful to me.

We Made it through that week. Then a second. Had another blow up. That lasted 2 days. Made it through another couple of weeks. then had a small explosion.

The last few days I noticed she was no longer walking her dogs. She was letting them poop inside then cleaning it. I work a lot so I couldnt do anything other than ask her to take them outside.

Valentine's day we got up and I made a special breakfast, cutting tomatoes into heart shapes. She loved it, and posted it to her instagram.

Then told me it was over, and she was leaving. We fought a bit and i went to work. Last night she slept on the couch.

So this morning I decided to just let it all go and force a discussion because she tends to hold everything inside. She threw the coffee table, my laptop case, a chair, and tried to break a lamp, but at least she was finally showing some emotion instead of just closing up.

So it comes down to this. "This is the biggest mistake shes ever made. She cant sit here another month with nothing to do. She would leave tomorrow if she had a ticket. I work too much and entertain her too little. We need more money". Theres tons more, but its all 100% emotional, not rational or logical at all.

One of her dogs had 3.5 week old puppies. She seems to think she can fly them home with her. Im trying to tell her that she has to wait at the very least until they are weaned to be able to take the mother home.

I"m totally cooked. Absolutely exhausted. I wonder now how many work days I've lost to this relationship over the last 5 years.

I love her, but its a very tentative, frustrated love. At this point I really don't feel like giving her 100%. I feel like holding her at arms length and watching to see if she'll bite me.

She swears she loves me and says that she knows she will regret leaving but cannot do this anymore.

Yes, I absolutely believe that in time we would both be better off separating, but I do not want to be a twice divorced man, and my Christian beliefs tell me that I should never give up on a marriage. I vowed till death do us part and no one is dead yet.

I don't have the money to send her home. I have the money to pay our bills, but there isn't $700 extra for a ticket plus $400 for her dogs. She knows this, we share a bank account, but still doesn't believe it.

Today, while I'm at work, she will ask her sister in Japan for plane ticket money.

Strangely, one of the things that is bothering me the most about this is the dogs. I fell in love with her dogs, and together we got a 5 month old Corgi/Border collie mix named Bacon.

I've not had a dog for 14 years because my last one died in 2014 and I just never had the heart to replace him. That and with my work hours I didn't think it would be fair to a pet. Now Ive got one, and if she leaves, he'll be alone for 12 hours a day.

Obviously, that is minor compared to our marriage, but.... poor Bacon.

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Filed: Timeline

I think she's suffering from home-sickness & she's scared

without her own comfort zone, but now as a grown woman

she has to be assertive, don't U have someone back there in

her family that could speak to her, also someone there besides U?

Some women R not very strong without close family around, but

U r correct in hanging around for your son, is she willing to wait

4 yrs while U visit her until then? Dude, seem her family did not

prep her for the world...good luck

Lady seem to want U but on her own turf,

this yo yo action of hers seem manuplative

she can get out do some volunteering,go

over to Galleria and stroll, learn the place

or is she just trying to remove U from close

proximity of your son? some ppl can be very

jealous of a partner kid and ex and so all

she wants U is to be back home with just her in

your life

Edited by Jawaree
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We Made it through that week. Then a second. Had another blow up. That lasted 2 days. Made it through another couple of weeks. then had a small explosion.

The last few days I noticed she was no longer walking her dogs. She was letting them poop inside then cleaning it. I work a lot so I couldnt do anything other than ask her to take them outside.

Valentine's day we got up and I made a special breakfast, cutting tomatoes into heart shapes. She loved it, and posted it to her instagram.

Then told me it was over, and she was leaving. We fought a bit and i went to work. Last night she slept on the couch.

So this morning I decided to just let it all go and force a discussion because she tends to hold everything inside. She threw the coffee table, my laptop case, a chair, and tried to break a lamp, but at least she was finally showing some emotion instead of just closing up.

So it comes down to this. "This is the biggest mistake shes ever made. She cant sit here another month with nothing to do. She would leave tomorrow if she had a ticket. I work too much and entertain her too little. We need more money". Theres tons more, but its all 100% emotional, not rational or logical at all.

One of her dogs had 3.5 week old puppies. She seems to think she can fly them home with her. Im trying to tell her that she has to wait at the very least until they are weaned to be able to take the mother home.

I"m totally cooked. Absolutely exhausted. I wonder now how many work days I've lost to this relationship over the last 5 years.

I love her, but its a very tentative, frustrated love. At this point I really don't feel like giving her 100%. I feel like holding her at arms length and watching to see if she'll bite me.

She swears she loves me and says that she knows she will regret leaving but cannot do this anymore.

Yes, I absolutely believe that in time we would both be better off separating, but I do not want to be a twice divorced man, and my Christian beliefs tell me that I should never give up on a marriage. I vowed till death do us part and no one is dead yet.

I don't have the money to send her home. I have the money to pay our bills, but there isn't $700 extra for a ticket plus $400 for her dogs. She knows this, we share a bank account, but still doesn't believe it.

Today, while I'm at work, she will ask her sister in Japan for plane ticket money.

Strangely, one of the things that is bothering me the most about this is the dogs. I fell in love with her dogs, and together we got a 5 month old Corgi/Border collie mix named Bacon.

I've not had a dog for 14 years because my last one died in 2014 and I just never had the heart to replace him. That and with my work hours I didn't think it would be fair to a pet. Now Ive got one, and if she leaves, he'll be alone for 12 hours a day.

Obviously, that is minor compared to our marriage, but.... poor Bacon.

My wife continuously threaten me with going back home early in our marriage. We had a real blow up right around our first anniversary. It was over a very small thing, but it came down to she would have done it differently and my way was wrong. I checked on airline tickets and found I could get one for the next day. I asked her if she really wanted to go home and she finally told me "no". I told her that she was very, very close to me buying her a ticket home--I did not want to do that, but I was tied of her always telling me she wanted to go home.

Maybe if you call her on her "bluff" about going home or maybe you will at least find it is not a bluff. Does she have her AP/EAD or GC yet? That does make it easier to send her home as she could then come back if she changes her mind. Without those the ultimatum of going home has great consequences. I would also see if you could find a way to spend more time with her. You really need to find a balance between work and your home life or you will end up being alone. You might want to sit down and see how much you either enjoy her being in your life or how much you dread her being in your life and see which one you would prefer. You cannot put a monetary value on this, but IMHO it is worth more than the little extra money you are making by working so much. I know I my situation I would have done anything to keep my wife--even moving to her country--as I am much, much happier with her in my life than without her--YMMV.

Good luck,

Dave

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Filed: Citizen (apr) Country: Italy
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She sounds a bit unsure of what she wants... So perhaps she needs to go back and both of you do some soul searching... Sorry about the doggie issue, i know in the big picture it is trivial but only adds to the difficulty.. Good luck

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Filed: Citizen (apr) Country: Denmark
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There was a lot of this when I lived in Denmark with my husband (minus the throwing things), so I can sympathize with what you are going through.

I, like Kaylara, had a lot of trouble with the lack of independence in terms of language, schooling, and losing my car when I moved. All of sudden my world just got infinitely smaller.

It is depressing staying at home all day sometimes and I think that is reflecting on her views towards your marriage. K1 visas are very hard on people this way - no working, no travel home, sometimes no driving, etc.

If you think it is possible, try and help her get out of this funk and get into hobbies, take her somewhere every night, even if just to walk around a store or something. Go for a walk after work with her, just do something! Fight for this marriage.

3/2/18  E-filed N-400 under 5 year rule

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I don't know guys...but to be honest I was blowing up the first six months here in the US too. It was like a constant thing. I was crying, was depressed, didn't know what to do with myself.....wanted to go back home, was missing everything and everybody.

It was a constant emotional up and down. I was applying for jobs and nothing was working until I told my husband...either we need to get out of this shitty village or I am going back home.

I was giving him proof that I was applying but nothing was working....until I applied for jobs in a bigger city / same state but on the other coast. I was getting interviews left and right and finally a job. I told him listen....we either get the heck out of here or I am leaving which didn't mean that we get a divorce but I was done with the place where we were living.

Well he finally agreed. We both now have perfect jobs at the same company...I am climbing the career steps quick and he is happier than ever.

Would I still love to be back home...? Yes of course and that will never change but maybe we have to listen to our spouses sometimes to maybe figure out what the heck is going on!!!

Just my two cents!

11/03/2011 ~ We got married heart.gif in Toender, Denmarkheart.gif

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...

So it comes down to this. "This is the biggest mistake shes ever made. She cant sit here another month with nothing to do. She would leave tomorrow if she had a ticket. I work too much and entertain her too little. We need more money". Theres tons more, but its all 100% emotional, not rational or logical at all.

...

How about this....ask her to list the things she would do if she was in the Philippines, then after that list is made, arrange for her to do the same, or equivalent things here. Would she visit family and friends? Help her make friends and get to know your family here. Would she work in a sari-sari? Help her get a job in a store; that should not be too hard.

Take a can-do attitude towards this. The glass is still half-full, not half-empty.

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Filed: K-1 Visa Country: Philippines
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The last few days I noticed she was no longer walking her dogs. She was letting them poop inside then cleaning it. I work a lot so I couldnt do anything other than ask her to take them outside.

This sounds like clinical depression.

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Filed: K-1 Visa Country: Philippines
Timeline

Try to work it out and get the adjustment going, the first year can be very tough for some far away from home, friends and family. In a new country, bored like you mentioned.....Patience and perseverence will go a long way.

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