Married yesterday on K1, now my new wife wants to leave to go back home.

[Tahoma 2,292]

I noted two things. Poster said his wife is now reading the thread? WARNING Will Robinson, I smell some poo. Seriously? This poster is in for a ride.

#2, don't pay her ticket home? BS. Pay for her ticket and send her packing. Consider that money well spent. Married one day and now wants to leave you? What does the future hold for this oh so stable marriage?

NEXT!!!!

WARNING Will Robison...I smell a reading comprehension problem!

Where did I say that my wife is now reading this thread?

~ Tahoma

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

WARNING Will Robison...I smell a reading comprehension problem!

Where did I say that my wife is now reading this thread?

~ Tahoma

Easy Tiger.

Posters Wife, not your's, is reading this thread according to the poster himself.

Perhaps VSG should have said OP instead of just Poster.

[gwenstar 66]

... and help her realize that she is not trapped here... she will calm down. This whole process really takes

their freedom away for a minute... although not intentional... there are rules and laws they have to obey... and I think it's threatening to them.

I think this is really insightful - along with the posts from slowlyman

based on what OP has written it doesn't seem like his wife is out for a scam.

The whole wanting to leave the day after the wedding seems much more like that moment when reality sets in - she is here, away from family, and if a person also looses that "feeling of freedom" that they have had their entire adult lives...of course that can be scary.

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

If you join the Army then don't plead culture shock when they have you carry a rifle and march.

It never ceases to amaze me what poor communication and planning precedes a lot of these marriages. No, it doesn't have to be a culture shock and as a matter of fact every day can be wonderful with exciting experiences together along with a lot of great nookie. I don't like this idea that we marry each other in spite of our differences. We should be marrying people who embrace similar ideas and expectations about the future.

You don't marry someone and then the next day say you have changed your mind. This was an epic fail in communication and planning, not normal immigration adjustment blues. The first order of business is 100% clarity and honesty about what is going on in your heads and hearts. The fact she complained about not being married soon enough for four years and then when married says she wants divorce smacks of a manipulative personality.

This is also my pet peeve, not saying it totally applies to the OP.

A lot of dreamy eyed folks place immigration process ahead of their marriage. I mean how can you plan on marrying and submitting someone that you haven't even met yet or return from a weeks vacation in Barbados and already planning on marrying the local guy you met at a beach club?

When our K1 was returned I swore that USCIS/DOS were evil behemoths but as I spend more time in the process and reading all sorts of nonsense that happens I actually feel sorry for them and understand where they are coming from.

Also the expectation that is set up is important. You don't go over to a foreign country on vacation and live in vacation mode, spending money like there's no tomorrow and then not expecting the beneficiary to think that this is the way it is in the US.

I find many USC fully culpable is a lot of these scams and failed marriages.

Relationship first, immigration later.

Good luck to all of us.

[B_J 2,752]

Also the expectation that is set up is important. You don't go over to a foreign country on vacation and live in vacation mode, spending money like there's no tomorrow and then not expecting the beneficiary to think that this is the way it is in the US.

I find many USC fully culpable is a lot of these scams and failed marriages.

This is something I have seen in lots of Fil-Am relationships. The USC vacations in the Philippines. He takes the entire family on vacations, spends money like there is no end, buys gifts for everybody in the family, etc. then when she comes to the US, he is all of a sudden the most frugal person on the planet. It seems kind of unfair.

I spent a lot of money in the Philippines but we also talked about real money. I showed her how much I made, how much rent and car payments were, how much I spent on food, etc. So, there were no surprises waiting.

Communication is always the key.

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

This is something I have seen in lots of Fil-Am relationships. The USC vacations in the Philippines. He takes the entire family on vacations, spends money like there is no end, buys gifts for everybody in the family, etc. then when she comes to the US, he is all of a sudden the most frugal person on the planet. It seems kind of unfair.

I spent a lot of money in the Philippines but we also talked about real money. I showed her how much I made, how much rent and car payments were, how much I spent on food, etc. So, there were no surprises waiting.

Communication is always the key.

Yep, did the same.

After 3 months, Wife has now reported that it is better than I made it sound like.

Sometimes I wonder if USC are marrying or running a charity.

[verysadguy 170]

WARNING Will Robison...I smell a reading comprehension problem!

Where did I say that my wife is now reading this thread?

~ Tahoma

Tahoma, Read Tuck4X4's post...

Gowon, you really don't like USC's huh? We USC's as stated just want young, easy, cheap nookie. We don't care about true love or rescuing you from poverty and a difficult life.

How strange to be in a relationship for 4 years, get married, and one day later say you wanna go home. I'd love to hear a happy ending from tuck4x4 and hopefully he gives us a recurring 30 day update on a challenging situation. His dreams look a little shattered.

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

Tahoma, Read Tuck4X4's post...

1) Gowon, you really don't like USC's huh? 2) We USC's as stated just want young, easy, cheap nookie. We don't care about true love or rescuing you from poverty and a difficult life.

How strange to be in a relationship for 4 years, get married, and one day later say you wanna go home. I'd love to hear a happy ending from tuck4x4 and hopefully he gives us a recurring 30 day update on a challenging situation. His dreams look a little shattered.

1) I am a USC. So where do we go from here?

2) I didn't state that for sure. Me and the rest of the USC posters that I respect on VJ are not looking for young easy cheap nookie that we can rescue from poverty and a difficult life (your words). Perhaps that's what you were looking for and what lead to your individual situation.

This OP will be fine, he seems resilient and well grounded in reality. Wish I could say the same for others in his situation that allows stuff like this to consume and incapacitate them.

[Sandra G. 5,047]

I am sorry but I will die without understand this bs about" homesick" .Love does not happen by chance, the alien decided to start the relationship,the alien decided to get married to a foreign person, the alien knew he/she had to live in the US, then it was a conscious choice to date and to get married to a US Citizen.I believe someone madly in love and insanely happy with the spouse would live in Congo, Afghanistan, Rwanda if it's necessary.

It's normal to miss the family, food, friends, but being sad, depressed, crying, saying I want to go home is too childish for me.

Edited January 10, 2014 by sandranj

[verysadguy 170]

I am sorry but I will die without understand this bs about" homesick" .Love does not happen by chance, the alien decided to start the relationship,the alien decided to get married to a foreign person, the alien knew he/she had to live in the US, then it was a conscious choice to date and to get married to a US Citizen.I believe someone madly in love and insanely happy with the spouse would live in Congo, Afghanistan, Rwanda if it's necessary.

It's normal to miss the family, food, friends, but being sad, depressed, crying, saying I want to go home is too childish for me.

Very well stated. I miss my momma's cooking but for 38 years I haven't cried over it. I miss her doing my laundry, too, but I've been doing my own since I was 15. And if they are crying because you don't buy them Louis Vutton or pay for his 60" plasma, probably you got married for the wrong reasons. LOL

Nookie is a great reason to get married, that's how kids come along sometimes. Sometimes love is a good reason to get married. Money usually isn't. Married for a visa is usually a secret and deceptive reason to get married. Rescuing is a perfectly valid Prince Valiant/Florence Nightingale reason to get married. Getting married and then saying you wished you hadn't a couple days later, usually something wrong.

I suppose this OP could try some ethnic food or a ticket home if he's over it, too. If they are in love and wanna make it work counseling is an option. Please fasten your seatbelts passengers, turbulence ahead.

[Tahoma 2,292]

Perhaps VSG should have said OP instead of just Poster.

...and perhaps he shouldn't have quoted Chinook's post.

[rin and john 71]

Nookie is a great reason to get married, that's how kids come along sometimes. Sometimes love is a good reason to get married. Money usually isn't.

Nookie is a great reason for a man to get married. Money (security) is a great reason for a women to get married. Love is based on finding another individual who meets your needs. One of the best books I've read on relationships is "His Needs, Her Needs - Building an Affair Proof Marriage" by Willard Harley.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6100_needstoc.html

Table of contents:

1. How Affair-proof Is Your Marriage?
2. Why Your Love Bank Never Closes
3. The First Thing She Can't Do Without - Affection
4. The First Thing He Can't Do Without - Sexual Fulfillment
5. She Needs Him to Talk to Her - Conversation
6. He Needs Her to Be His Playmate - Recreational Companionship
7. She Needs to Trust Him Totally - Honesty and Openness
8. He Needs a Good-looking Wife - An Attractive Spouse
9. She Needs Enough Money to Live Comfortably
10. He needs Peace and Quite - Domestic Support
11. She Needs Him to Be a Good Father - Family Support
12. He Needs Her to Be Proud of Him - Admiration
13. How to Survive an Affair
14. From Incompatible to Irresistible

Generally, A woman needs are Affection, Conversation, Honesty/Openness, Money to live Comfortably, Family Support. A man needs Sexual Fulfillment, Recreational Companionship, an Attractive Spouse, Domestic Support, and Admiration. Each individual is different and will rank these differently based on individual circumstances, but by and large I have found them to be fairly accurate in the relationships I've had and those I've witnessed. When someone's needs weren't being met were when problems began.

[InHisTime 110]

I have read many of your comments in the recent past, every single one of them you suspect the beneficiary had some ulterior motive and they are only out to scam their significant other. If someone was going to scam they wouldn't go through the entire process, get married, and then decide to just leave to go home without adjusting status. Scammers don't do that, they do everything in their power to get that green card in hand and then follow through with their plan. If she was going to scam her husband why on Earth would she go home with no hope of coming back unless a new petition was filed, and then go through the entire process AGAIN?

You need to stop trolling threads accusing everyone of being a fraudster.

Yes, I do agree with Mimolicious. If she is a scammer of GC, I don't think she would like to come home and behave this way. She will try her best to act well, and will surely get her GC before leaving.

She is homesick, that is very natural. It is exciting when you are about to go to America, but after few weeks, we all start longing home, the foods we use to eat, all the comforts we use to have, especially if we are very independent. It's not easy to keep waiting at home, without doing anything to create and provide financial benefits to the households.

I think the OP should extend his patience to her wife, have more communications, love, support, and understanding. VJ Slowlyman gave good advices.

This is a very critical time, cos if she cannot survive this adjustment, she would really tried her best to come home. Not everyone is the same in coping up with adjustment and loneliness. Other individuals are very determined and strong, but some individuals easily get homesick, like me. But with strong support mechanisms from petitioners, I see positive adjustment.

Just sharing to the OP, I also experienced similar situation.... entering 1-3 months while I was in the US, I kept on crying.....tears just fall, but, I guess if my ex Fiance was sensitive enough of my feelings, I think I stayed and got married as that was the ultimate reason why I went there, to be with him. But I didn't like the way I was treated, it wasn't genuine, most of the times, I was accused of things which I didn't even do. They were very mean and didn't appreciate how I tried to help and blend with them like in doing household chores, instead they tend to show off that they don't like me doing nice favors as part of their households.

The unfavorable environment contributed to the emptiness I felt in my heart. I used to be a happy person, I could even smile at my own mistakes, but in the US, my ex Fiance and family showed me that life had been so hard and cruel to them. I heard them always complaining of the government / work benefits,etc. As if they were always stress on thinking of all the expenses and bills. They felt like not happy living in the US.

Thus, I was so afraid to commit mistakes in using their things at home, because they tend to easily get mad. I live a good life, and have a nice paying job at my home country, I am not rich, but I do have enough means to do what I want, so I just thought why not just come home than to see them stressing life everyday. I think life should be enjoyed and take it easy despite of such challenges. I am always a grateful person, so I appreciate the kind of life I have no matter what my situation is, but seems they were so stress of life. Maybe my ex Fiance and I have different perspectives in life, and I didn't know that before I came to the US, as we always get along in all our views before.

Additionally, I am an independent woman, I manage my own finances. But in the US, I have become like useless, I never had given the trust and confidence to start my life. I am glad that I made a good decision to come home and didn't marry. I am well and thankful to God.

Just sharing to the OP how it feels....your wife, could be feeling just homesick. Just continue to treat her well, maybe bring her to counseling to relieve what's inside her heart and mind. Maybe she was having a culture shock, or whatever. Don't ever give up yet. She will get over it, with your loving support. Maybe plan more trips to the Philippines once you have time and money. God bless.

[Hollyday 122]

Me and the rest of the USC posters that I respect on VJ are not looking for young easy cheap nookie that we can rescue from poverty and a difficult life (your words). Perhaps that's what you were looking for and what lead to your individual situation.

Was just wondering the same thing. If i ever had any respect for this VJ member, it's evaporated now.

And side note: if any person can't feel homesickness as deeply as another it doesn't mean noone can. Not everyone has an emotional range of a teaspoon.

[verysadguy 170]

Was just wondering the same thing. If i ever had any respect for this VJ member, it's evaporated now.

And side note: if any person can't feel homesickness as deeply as another it doesn't mean noone can. Not everyone has an emotional range of a teaspoon.

I agree, I have not much respect for Gowon, too. My reference was a joke reference to another poster, but Gowon writes as if his words are gospel. Come off that high horse brother.

Love is trust, respect, devotion, faithfulness, communication, romance etc. regardless of age, race, ethnicity, or national origin.

Homesickness typically in children and young adolescents is a form of separation anxiety. These distress signs in an adult are usually signs of a different anxiety neurosis, especially if the person has had YEARS to prepare. Emotional range of a teaspoon? Really? How about the emotional range of a histrionic personality disorder?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Histrionic_personality_disorder

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Homesickness

Great link to the book on love above by the way.

Edited January 11, 2014 by verysadguy