Married yesterday on K1, now my new wife wants to leave to go back home.

[verysadguy 170]

In my scam marriage, when my wife was depressed and impossible to deal with, her family saiid, "oh she's just homesick, get her some rice." We also went to the Vietnamese markets and bought the customary foods etc. In reality she didn't miss Vietnam or her family, she missed her lover. And we had a multiyear courtship, too. So, homesickness is real, but it is not like these are sudden changes folks. K-1 takes several months and courtships often much longer before K-1 is started. Often there are other reasons for this behavior.

I agree K-1's should have a higher burden of background checks, more fraud alerts to the USC petitioner, and full disclosure of VAWA risk. K-1 rules need to be changed and VAWA needs to be toughened up significantly. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to see the annual increases in VAWA petitions to realize USC petitioners are being targeted as an entry portal to the US welfare system.

That is why I am writing my blog changevawanow.wordpress.com

[Caryh 5,206]

In my scam marriage, when my wife was depressed and impossible to deal with, her family saiid, "oh she's just homesick, get her some rice." We also went to the Vietnamese markets and bought the customary foods etc. In reality she didn't miss Vietnam or her family, she missed her lover. And we had a multiyear courtship, too. So, homesickness is real, but it is not like these are sudden changes folks. K-1 takes several months and courtships often much longer before K-1 is started. Often there are other reasons for this behavior.

I agree K-1's should have a higher burden of background checks, more fraud alerts to the USC petitioner, and full disclosure of VAWA risk. K-1 rules need to be changed and VAWA needs to be toughened up significantly. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to see the annual increases in VAWA petitions to realize USC petitioners are being targeted as an entry portal to the US welfare system.

That is why I am writing my blog changevawanow.wordpress.com

This is a case where the beneficiary wants to return home, not stay and adjust through VAWA. Unfortunately for you, your spouse was homesick for a lover, not her family. I'm sure you wouldn't be the last case burned by that to. But if your wife was really that homesick for her lover, it begs the question why is she still in the USA? If she wanted to get him here the fastest, she could of faked it with you for three years, gotten citizenship, dumped you and brought him. Not too smart of her, or was just getting to America her main goal?

[yraheem 9]

I wish I had talked to you before you brought her over to the U.S. What I'm about to tell you, you won't like, your wife is just afraid to make the necessary adjustments simple because of the differences that exist between having her family around you to shield and protect her from her short comings, and having only one crutch to lean on thus putting her out there and exposing her short comings. I have been to the Philippines at least 4 times to evaluate Filipinas, and although my method maybe crude if you can hack it in my country, I don't need the headache. Her not wanting to adapt has many factors, education, social status in her country, family ties, boy friend back at home, previous generation educational level and what part of the Philippines she resides.

The bottom line, if she wants to go home, there is nothing you can do to change her mind without it costing you an arm and a leg. I am sure you know if she doesn't drive, its' difficult for her to work, if she doesn't have a SSN she can't legally work.

She knows the same thing.

Since you just got married, you can;

1. Get your marriage annulled and contact homeland security or the USIC to file a complaint (you can write a letter)
2. Send her back to the Philippines still married and then move to the Philippines to live as a married couple
3. Let her find a local Filipina community/church to help in her transition

The bottom line is that she had a different view of America, since she told you that she is bored maybe she assumed you would take care of her and shower her with gifts and entertainment. Based on your story I assume that she was not working in her country so now you expect her to change and to assist you in building a life.

Please don’t fuss at me, I’m a bit black and white when it comes to dealing with Flipina, all that love stuff is good when you have the right combination. To marry a Filipina IS conditional in order to maximize the value of being married to one.
I am in the process of my K1-Visa and the Filipina that I’m marrying had to have the following criteria; Just a few

1. Have a realistic concept of America
2. A master degree
3. A long history of working in her field of study
4. Don’t need any financial support from me
5. Speaks and write English exceptionally well
6. Family has to have their own money
7. Living on her own
8. Earning a descent salary (for the Philippines)
9. Be able to drive a car or motorcycle

This is just my criteria’s because I desire for her to have a light transition into the American workflow, because like you, I have plans and, as you know, you can’t drive a car on air or bull shi$.

Marrying a Filipina and bringing her to this country is not a fairy tale, it’s a cultural shock to her especially if she lives with her family and depends on her family as well as is unemployed (and I don’t consider domestic helper or caregiver as a good job).

Just my two pennies, you can hate me now.

Edited January 7, 2014 by yraheem

[verysadguy 170]

This is a case where the beneficiary wants to return home, not stay and adjust through VAWA. Unfortunately for you, your spouse was homesick for a lover, not her family. I'm sure you wouldn't be the last case burned by that to. But if your wife was really that homesick for her lover, it begs the question why is she still in the USA? If she wanted to get him here the fastest, she could of faked it with you for three years, gotten citizenship, dumped you and brought him. Not too smart of her, or was just getting to America her main goal?

I don't wanna get too far off course here. Some do get homesick, that might be another K-1 qualifier put in place. Cultural diversity classes in the home country prior to US arrival.

My ex only wanted a green card and her entire family backed her. Get her out of poverty, mud huts, and a hard life. The uncle literally told me they stacked the chips of the lover against my stack of chips and I had a whole helluva a lot more chips.

Recall my ex agreed to go back to Vietnam, then quietly slipped out of the airport with money and a diamond, filed for VAWA, and seduced her Catholic supporter. Green card scam all the way.

Again on the K-1 requirements, fiance's from impoverished high fraud countries (eastern bloc, SE Asia, Africa) should have required alerts to US petitioners signed for just like the affidavits of support. It is in the small print but it should be pushed much higher in terms of importance by USCIS in my opinion.

In theory, your 3 years of faking sounds good on paper and perhaps a good thought to try, but the reality of living with someone you are scamming and climbing in to bed with for 3 years is awfully tough. My wife and I had amazing sex daily for 6 months (amazing for me anyways), but obviously she had a cold heart and was only doing it as an enticement to me for a green card. Recall the last straw for me was finding yet another stash of illicit photos at 5 months of marriage of her with her lover 1 week before and i week after our engagement party.

I strongly advise anyone going K-1 to spend a small amount of money on an overseas private investigator. PI's are out there and can help ferret out the scammers.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trust,_but_verify

[slowlyman 118]

Just last night my Filipina wife and I were laying on the bed getting ready to go to sleep. She commented on our place being so quiet, no motorcycles driving by without mufflers, no smell of gasoline, burning trash or burning rubber. No burning and stinging eyes from the pollution where she came from. She actually believes that a recent rash she has gotten is due to the lack of pollutants...maybe she is right. Maybe her body is adjusting to a cleaner environment. Point is the USA is sooo different. She has been here with me for just over 5 months now. She has cried and acted out. After all what would one expect when a 19 year old girl leaves her homeland and all of her family to join her husband in the US? Patience is the key. I have to keep reminding myself that she is still adjusting to a HUGE change. Patience...patience, patience... My wife was very reluctant to engage with others here when she first arrived. Fortunately for her and me the population here in Hawaii is probably nearly 70% Filipino. So we have many Filipino stores, churches, etc... I took her to a few churches when she first arrived and we settled in at a local Christian church here that was founded by Filipinos and as such has a large percentage of Filipino members. I had attended this church previously and liked the people there. They have all welcomed my wife with open arms and have made her feel at home. She has made some girlfriends at church which she communicates with now. Last week was a church picnic and my wife had a wonderful time as did I. I just feel so good inside when I see my wife smiling and laughing. My wife also took a course to become a CNA (Certified Nurses Aide). She had very little confidence in herself but she did very well in the class. She completed the class and studied even more to take the state licensing exam. She took the exam passing on her first attempt. She is now a licensed CNA! She has been volunteering at two senior citizens homes 4 days a week. (Sitting at home all day was driving her crazy.) Her confidence is getting better. She is getting more self esteem as each day passes. She is so humble she doesn't want to share most of this with her family. But I AM SO PROUD OF HER. She just got hired by one of the senior homes where she was volunteering so she will be working and making an income beginning on the 13th of this month. I am sure this will make her feel much better about herself. She wants to contribute to our household.

Perhaps you and your new wife should start some counseling?

Aloha Ke Akua

You realize living in Hawaii doesn't count right?

[yraheem 9]

oh, I forgot to add after reading verysadguy post, Yep, hire a PI to have her put under the microscope, including their family. Now, it's too late but in the event you divorce her and move on, it's something to think about.

[Ilovemyman 147]

I don't wanna get too far off course here. Some do get homesick, that might be another K-1 qualifier put in place. Cultural diversity classes in the home country prior to US arrival.

My ex only wanted a green card and her entire family backed her. Get her out of poverty, mud huts, and a hard life. The uncle literally told me they stacked the chips of the lover against my stack of chips and I had a whole helluva a lot more chips.

Recall my ex agreed to go back to Vietnam, then quietly slipped out of the airport with money and a diamond, filed for VAWA, and seduced her Catholic supporter. Green card scam all the way.

Again on the K-1 requirements, fiance's from impoverished high fraud countries (eastern bloc, SE Asia, Africa) should have required alerts to US petitioners signed for just like the affidavits of support. It is in the small print but it should be pushed much higher in terms of importance by USCIS in my opinion.

In theory, your 3 years of faking sounds good on paper and perhaps a good thought to try, but the reality of living with someone you are scamming and climbing in to bed with for 3 years is awfully tough. My wife and I had amazing sex daily for 6 months (amazing for me anyways), but obviously she had a cold heart and was only doing it as an enticement to me for a green card. Recall the last straw for me was finding yet another stash of illicit photos at 5 months of marriage of her with her lover 1 week before and i week after our engagement party.

I strongly advise anyone going K-1 to spend a small amount of money on an overseas private investigator. PI's are out there and can help ferret out the scammers.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trust,_but_verify

I agree with this coment, I have red a lot of post about philipinos women, all they before apply for wave they start to feel homsick, and they say they want go back home and after the aply for gree card for wave, maybe it is faster for them.

[slowlyman 118]

Plenty of opinions here for sure. I'm curious about all you guys who think it's just a big scam and suggest hiring a PI.

Do American woman ever marry for money or power? Do American woman ever have a man on the side. Should everybody hire an investigator before they get married? Now many American relationships fall apart within a couple years?

This isn't a love struck lonely guy cruising dating sites at 3am. Asking her to get married without ever meeting. He knew this girl long time. They had a relationship. He knew her as well as anyone could.

Where so many are seeing evil intentions, I just see a scared lonely person. There is a back story the OP is not sharing. And up to him. She didn't turn cold the day after the wedding as some suggest. There was friction before, but that 90 day time limit comes fast. The fact she went through with the wedding indicates a desire to try.

[Ebunoluwa 6,136]

Plenty of opinions here for sure. I'm curious about all you guys who think it's just a big scam and suggest hiring a PI.

Do American woman ever marry for money or power? Do American woman ever have a man on the side. Should everybody hire an investigator before they get married? Now many American relationships fall apart within a couple years?

This isn't a love struck lonely guy cruising dating sites at 3am. Asking her to get married without ever meeting. He knew this girl long time. They had a relationship. He knew her as well as anyone could.

Where so many are seeing evil intentions, I just see a scared lonely person. There is a back story the OP is not sharing. And up to him. She didn't turn cold the day after the wedding as some suggest. There was friction before, but that 90 day time limit comes fast. The fact she went through with the wedding indicates a desire to try.

I liked your initial comment you posted and it was well thought out and compassionate.

I believe it is right on target for most situations and very good advice. However, leaving without AP is just way too rash after the long

visa journey and expense.

Do American women marry for money and power ? Yes. If I were a man then I would not want such a woman who wants money and power

as incentive to marry. That is just me though, to each his own.

Many American relationships fall apart yes of course, but very few would want to leave one day after marriage.

I agree the OP fully understands the culture and knows what he is doing and not some love struck lonely guy.

I see no evil intention on her part, just a self centered, self absorbed mentality with a pinch of compulsive behavior.

I find the 'day after' wanting to leave timing manipulative.

Most of all we do not know the whole story as you said and I can only go by what is disclosed.

There very well may be another side to the story that is making her contemplate to leave and that is why I said earlier maybe

something was done or said to her that made her that upset that she rather go back home. Being just homesick and not adjusting well

is no excuse for wanting to bail without AP after all of this crazy long visa journey mess he had to put up with to get her here.

[H&I 6]

Oh Tuck... I'm so sorry you are having to go through this... I to had the same problem with my husband... after we were married it took a year and a

half to get settled here and get him here... he REALLY missed his family... he had only been away from home for a while for school... he lived with his

family... he finally got a job and was settling down... and then the company fired him for not making the numbers... in retail...in exclusive department

stores the goals are set high...they loved him but had a policy in numbers... he felt like a failure... it was his first interview...first job... and then they

wouldn't allow him unemployment... so he got very discouraged. He went to his uncles in Ohio to check things out there... and then went back home for

a couple month's to be there for his sisters wedding... he came back... I had surgery... and he just started working another job... and seems happy but

is bringing up that he wants to go home again... he says he was stupid for coming here... in a few days he will calm down again. I have talked to people

who have done what we are and it's a giant culture shock!! My husband wants to be here... with me... but his family are so close. I too spent a lot of

time and money getting a home set up for him... I just said that after he has his permanent card... he can go visit again if he likes... but to please wait till

this is over... and he finally calmed down... if we could live in Jordan... I would... but there is so much going on over there right now... that I would be afraid

too... so with that said... I don't think it's because she doesn't want to be with you...I'll bet she is just missing home... have you ask her why she feels so

impulsive to go home?

Maybe if you get her feelings on it... and help her realize that she is not trapped here... she will calm down. This whole process really takes

their freedom away for a minute... although not intentional... there are rules and laws they have to obey... and I think it's threatening to them. Maybe you

could tell her that when this process is over if she would like to go visit... she can... just enough to give her the self control she needs. I know my husband

hates being told how to live... so I just build him up in other ways to let him know that he is in control of his life... he seems to calm down a bit.... now he is

working in a car dealership and selling a lot of cars... and this is encouraging to him. He wants to open his own shop now...

Hang in there and please don't give up hope... but like people are saying... remind her how she felt before she came over and make it clear that it will be

out of your hands if she goes now... and she won't be able to come back. Good good luck...

[Hollyday 122]

Tuck,

I've read all the comments here and i want to side with those people who don't see 'an evil plan' blah blah here. If it was a plan she wouldn't be leaving without adjusting status, etc., so it's clearly not marriage scam. What many people don't understand is is that the foreign spouse uproots her or his whole life and finds her or himself in a totally different environment. People get homesick and lonely.

I'm much closer to the Western culture, i suppose, but hell, the moving scares me!

As other people said, please, talk to her and try to sort it out. You've been in it for 5 years, i think, it's worth trying to make it work. And don't give in to advice to not give her money and limit her. This is really damaging for the other side. If it comes to this, it'd be kinder to let her go.

I hope it works out for you!

[akihon 129]

I believe that what you've said is true, except this part.

I am completely convinced my wife would have left in the first three months had it not been for a couple Thai girls here in town who knew exactly how to handle her. Finding that support system is crucial to the adjustment. You can tell her truths over and over, but they don;t ring true until she can hear it from her sisters. My wife thought I was lying about having to make a mortgage and car payment each month. When the Thai girls told her it was true, then she believed me. She couldn't understand how I could afford to stay in Thailand for months at a time, go out party, eat, tour, etc. but in the US I had to live on a budget. What really made it real for her was finding out the other girls work two or three jobs so they can have a house and car and "stuff".

I don't understand women who do this. Why would you marry someone whose word you don't believe at all? Sure, it's a good thing she had those girls to get her to adjust quicker, but I think, and I'm from Southeast Asia as well, that her not believing you had to pay a mortgage and car payment every month just screams immaturity. Naivety even. Does she not know the US dollar to Thai baht conversion rate? Why did she need someone else who was struggling with three jobs to realize that you weren't lying?

I just don't understand.

Edited January 7, 2014 by akihon

[Caryh 5,206]

Plenty of opinions here for sure. I'm curious about all you guys who think it's just a big scam and suggest hiring a PI.

Do American woman ever marry for money or power? Do American woman ever have a man on the side. Should everybody hire an investigator before they get married? Now many American relationships fall apart within a couple years?

This isn't a love struck lonely guy cruising dating sites at 3am. Asking her to get married without ever meeting. He knew this girl long time. They had a relationship. He knew her as well as anyone could.

Where so many are seeing evil intentions, I just see a scared lonely person. There is a back story the OP is not sharing. And up to him. She didn't turn cold the day after the wedding as some suggest. There was friction before, but that 90 day time limit comes fast. The fact she went through with the wedding indicates a desire to try.

PI's in the Philippines can be a bigger scam than the green card hunters. Many taking the money and doing nothing. Other's demanding sexual favors or money from the beneficiary or they'll give a bad report. The Philippines is not America with legit PI's working there that you can hire out of a phone book.

This filipina's actions are screaming emotional pain over something. Makes me wonder if they got Married on Saturday and Monday he's going back to work, after burning all his vacation time when she arrived? Yes the back story is missing, and we see the out for blood crowd making major judgements with next to no information, and even ignoring what little there is. Something set her off after the wedding, and we don't know what it is. The wedding is over, now its the hard work of making a marriage.

[InHisTime 110]

Tuck, I'll share my thoughts and personal experiences, but unfortunately it all comes down to the two of you. At the end of the day the TWO of you will make it work or you won;t. Nobody can do it for you.

Our first three months together were hell, the next three months were slightly less hellish. In the next thee months my wife asked how she can file for divorce. Twice my wife has taken herself to the airport. Marriage made in heaven right?

There is so much at play here that you have no idea about.

I do not subscribe to the idea these girls plan these things out. I think they have every intention of making a life with us. But, the reality of middle class life in the US is very different then they imagine it to be.

Those of us who like to travel and experience new cultures don;t realize how traumatic this move is for family based cultures. We live alone and like. Asians not so much. They love the family, social aspect of their life. Suddenly it's just the two of you. Face it your not that charming after a long day of work.

Most likely she is bored, lonely, and homesick. mostly homesick.

You also need to consider what is going on in the background with her family. Are they pressuring her for money? After all, now she has a rich American husband she should be building a new house for mom, buying motorbikes for her siblings, etc. If she is torn between her responsibility to her family and to you, who does she choose?

I am completely convinced my wife would have left in the first three months had it not been for a couple Thai girls here in town who knew exactly how to handle her. Finding that support system is crucial to the adjustment. You can tell her truths over and over, but they don;t ring true until she can hear it from her sisters. My wife thought I was lying about having to make a mortgage and car payment each month. When the Thai girls told her it was true, then she believed me. She couldn't understand how I could afford to stay in Thailand for months at a time, go out party, eat, tour, etc. but in the US I had to live on a budget. What really made it real for her was finding out the other girls work two or three jobs so they can have a house and car and "stuff".

My wife is very independent. She had her own business. Car, motorbike, etc. she could go and do as she pleases. Suddenly she is completely dependent on me for everything. money, food, transportation. I'm sure you don;t treat her like a slave, but she could easily feel like one.

When my wife asked to go back home for the umbteenth time. I said ok, but we have put so much time into this process please wait until the AP comes through otherwise it's a one way trip. I said the day you get the AP, if you still want to go home I will buy a ticket. The AP arrived, she put it on her wallet and she is still here.

Tuck, this process is much more difficult for her then it is for you. I'm sure there is more going on in the background then you are aware of. You have to be the better person here. Turn a blind ear to what she says and try to hang in there.

If she is intent on self pitty there isn;t a lot you can do. But Phils girls are by nature fun and light hearted. You just need to find that part of her again.

A few ideas:

Get a tablet for her

Set up a facebook account for her

Set up a skype account for her

Get her on the phone with her family

Get her access to native tv programing. Movies, tv shows, etc. If she spends

Well said "slowlyman"..... you have captured and said perfectly what I would like to share with the OP.

God bless !

[Caryh 5,206]

I believe that what you've said is true, except this part.

I don't understand women who do this. Why would you marry someone whose word you don't believe at all? Sure, it's a good thing she had those girls to get her to adjust quicker, but I think, and I'm from Southeast Asia as well, that her not believing you had to pay a mortgage and car payment every month just screams immaturity. Naivety even. Does she not know the US dollar to Thai baht conversion rate? Why did she need someone else who was struggling with three jobs to realize that you weren't lying?

I just don't understand.

I've seen that reaction many times. They see the USC spending money in their own country like its nothing. But these people are on vacation and its costing a fraction of what it would cost back in America. The new spouse then is in disbelief the money doesn't flow like it did before. Some times this is the fault of the USC, and sometimes the immigrant who didn't believe when told that there wouldn't be money to spend like this at home in the USA. often its never even brought up, and assumptions work as they do.