Married yesterday on K1, now my new wife wants to leave to go back home.

[slowlyman 118]

I'd also very much like to get her in touch with local Filipinos, just not having any luck with that. She has a childhood associate that lives an hour away but she has no urge to meet her.

I started hanging out at the local Asian market. I asked anyone who looked Thai if they were. Eventually I found one, explained the situation and asked if she could help. Within an hour, two Thai girls were at my door step. My wife was not happy, but I am convinced they are the primary reason my wife is still here.

I would try the local markets & Catholic Churches.

Edited January 7, 2014 by slowlyman

[tuck4x4 19]

Maybe I am, but the meaning I get from the word "crutch" is excuse.

My ex and I divorced 8 years ago. I was given custody of my son and he lived with me for 2 years. My ex married her boss a few months after our divorce and had a daughter.

2 years later they took me back to court and my son was taken from me and given to them because they had a "family" and I didn't. My son's principal was a witness on my side but Texas still found for his mother.

I ran away. To Africa, the Philippines, crazy places. After a while I met my Filipina and began getting things back in order. I have had 2 goals for the last 4 years.

1. Become a proper part of my son's life again.

2. Accomplish my fiance visa and marry her.

I still do not believe that 3 years is to much of a sacrifice for my son. My fiance...wife now, has known him the entire time and they love each other.

[Nawlinshoney 7]

Wow I am sorry this happened to you. Does she want to be with you? Sounds like she is homesick to me. I kinda felt that way I went and visited my fiancée in Guatemala after 2 weeks I felt I needed to be back home things were so different and no one spoke English.

[USAmale 1]

I went through this with my K1 wife in 2012, and tried to keep things together with her by visiting her. She agreed to come back and try again.

If your wife actually leaves, you can actually apply for a Spouse Visa for her, probably without too much trouble..

You will probably get advice from others here that you should just divorce as soon as she leaves. If she does leave, I urge you to consider the divorce.

I know that's very very hard to deal with , but I should probably have done it very soon after my wife left, because things didn't really get better.

best of luck with your situation..

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

Maybe I am, but the meaning I get from the word "crutch" is excuse.

My ex and I divorced 8 years ago. I was given custody of my son and he lived with me for 2 years. My ex married her boss a few months after our divorce and had a daughter.

2 years later they took me back to court and my son was taken from me and given to them because they had a "family" and I didn't. My son's principal was a witness on my side but Texas still found for his mother.

I ran away. To Africa, the Philippines, crazy places. After a while I met my Filipina and began getting things back in order. I have had 2 goals for the last 4 years.

1. Become a proper part of my son's life again.

2. Accomplish my fiance visa and marry her.

I still do not believe that 3 years is to much of a sacrifice for my son. My fiance...wife now, has known him the entire time and they love each other.

Sounds like you have a plan.

Good luck ahead on everything.

[Ann Wood 4]

I've been down that road before. I am a Filipina , married to a US citzen under K1. When i arrived here in US everything was fine.. After 2 weeks i felt like i wanna go home, leave US without AOS. It was so hard for me- i just cried for NO reasons all i wanted is to go home.But my husband was very supportive to me all the time that i've been through.It gets more worst and worst everyday.. my husband always prayed for me to recover, until one day he told me and convinced me to go to a Counsel- I go with him without hesitation because i want to save our Marriage after all BUT still " i wanted to go home"- In my 1st visit when they talked to me about 'anything & personal questions they knew that I am " Depressed " Till they let me answer those 400 questions for some reasons - Until they wanted me to see a Doctor. So we went there the Dr. issued me a " CELEXA " for anti- depression. It helps a lot after all- I was more relax- i feel sleepy most of the time. It was a "BIG HELP" for me, God really help us especially in my case- It's not easy guys if you will not be in this kind of ' situation' You will not understand "WHY" -

I hope your wife can fully recover where she is now... It' hard and i knew it! Don't give up- Keep on praying.. God will hear you.

Matthew 7:7~ 8

Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.

[Ann Wood 4]

tuck4x4

- Just hang in there!

More patience.. Just love her

[USAmale 1]

If she absolutely insists on leaving, I urge you to ask her to consider physically signing divorce papers before she leaves...that will make things a million times easier for you...

Look at it this way: You married her with the agreement that she would live with you in the US. Now she wants to basically abandon the marriage, the visa, and the agreement that you had with her.

I am sure that this is very,very hard to take right now,, but if she does leave, please go to a lawyer IMMEDIATELY. You can sever any responsibility for her by ending it quickly, possibly by having the marriage annulled...

If she leaves on you,, think about yourself first brother, somebody has to do it..

[USAmale 1]

BTW, please don't assume that I am somehow urging you to make her leave.. Just giving you some advice in the event that she absolutely insists on leaving...

[ean 10]

This infuriates me. I think it is unfair for you that she's acting like this. Why did she even bother getting a k1 visa if she wants to go home anyways. She's acting like a child.

[simps 2]

I haven't read the comments above. Do you think by chance she is stress or homesick?? I wanted to go back home in one week when I first came to US. It was very depressing not having friends and family around. Take her somewhere nice, spend some quality time together and make her comfertable in new cultural envirnment. If she really wants to be with you then she will understand and calm down in couple days or so.

[USAmale 1]

I also want to make another point: I don't know you or your wife so I am not commenting on her intent or her character. However, Is she under the impression that just having married you makes you responsible to/for her if she flees the country? You wouldn't owe her anything if she does go...

no settlement , no support, nothing..

[n and m 10]

Tuck, I'll share my thoughts and personal experiences, but unfortunately it all comes down to the two of you. At the end of the day the TWO of you will make it work or you won;t. Nobody can do it for you.

Our first three months together were hell, the next three months were slightly less hellish. In the next thee months my wife asked how she can file for divorce. Twice my wife has taken herself to the airport. Marriage made in heaven right?

There is so much at play here that you have no idea about.

I do not subscribe to the idea these girls plan these things out. I think they have every intention of making a life with us. But, the reality of middle class life in the US is very different then they imagine it to be.

Those of us who like to travel and experience new cultures don;t realize how traumatic this move is for family based cultures. We live alone and like. Asians not so much. They love the family, social aspect of their life. Suddenly it's just the two of you. Face it your not that charming after a long day of work.

Most likely she is bored, lonely, and homesick. mostly homesick.

You also need to consider what is going on in the background with her family. Are they pressuring her for money? After all, now she has a rich American husband she should be building a new house for mom, buying motorbikes for her siblings, etc. If she is torn between her responsibility to her family and to you, who does she choose?

I am completely convinced my wife would have left in the first three months had it not been for a couple Thai girls here in town who knew exactly how to handle her. Finding that support system is crucial to the adjustment. You can tell her truths over and over, but they don;t ring true until she can hear it from her sisters. My wife thought I was lying about having to make a mortgage and car payment each month. When the Thai girls told her it was true, then she believed me. She couldn't understand how I could afford to stay in Thailand for months at a time, go out party, eat, tour, etc. but in the US I had to live on a budget. What really made it real for her was finding out the other girls work two or three jobs so they can have a house and car and "stuff".

My wife is very independent. She had her own business. Car, motorbike, etc. she could go and do as she pleases. Suddenly she is completely dependent on me for everything. money, food, transportation. I'm sure you don;t treat her like a slave, but she could easily feel like one.

When my wife asked to go back home for the umbteenth time. I said ok, but we have put so much time into this process please wait until the AP comes through otherwise it's a one way trip. I said the day you get the AP, if you still want to go home I will buy a ticket. The AP arrived, she put it on her wallet and she is still here.

Tuck, this process is much more difficult for her then it is for you. I'm sure there is more going on in the background then you are aware of. You have to be the better person here. Turn a blind ear to what she says and try to hang in there.

If she is intent on self pitty there isn;t a lot you can do. But Phils girls are by nature fun and light hearted. You just need to find that part of her again.

A few ideas:

Get a tablet for her

Set up a facebook account for her

Set up a skype account for her

Get her on the phone with her family

Get her access to native tv programing. Movies, tv shows, etc. If she spends all day looking at soaps, thats ok.

If she won;t go out to meet local Phils natives, ask a few to come to your house. They will know just how to handle her.

Give her an out. Do this and this for me, if you still want to go I will buy the ticket. Give her some control over her life.

*** Self serving Soapbox moment ***

For those of you who do not have a spouse from a poor country. Please refrain from comment like "she planned this" "this doesn't sound right" "she has an agenda" etc. If you come from a wealthy western country, you have a skill and a good job, you have no idea of the dynamics at play here. You need to spend time in these cultures to understand them. Our western morals and attitudes just don't fit in all situations. So please, be supportive and respectful. Give her the benefit of the doubt and let Tuck decide if she is genuine or not.

*** Stepping off soapbox ***

Very very well said Mr Slowlyman, thank you...I agree in everything that you said because I felt exactly what you said when I first came here..Its just so happened that I think I was just matured and strong enough to handle the situation during my adjustment period . I hope the subject Filipina in this topic would also try to be one too if she really love her husband..It takes us to leave our life behind just to be with our beloved and I hope she already anticipate all the consequences before coming here in the US..

I really do think she's just lonely, bored and shocked to the new environment, confused with the life and culture. And yes the presence of Philippine women can influence and help her a lot especially in trying to understand changes in the new place she's now in. I feel the same way too during the first 3 months here in the US, in my mind I really wanted to go back to Philippines and continue my life there.I was living independently back in the Philippines with good job with some properties and all of a sudden when I came here, I was completely dependent to my husband which made me difficult to accept. But I do love my husband and Im willing to give a try and sacrifice..Hope this Filipina woman will do the same thing too.

I don't believe she have other agenda in marrying him because tyring to go back to Philippines without AP wont benefit her at all. I really hope she will try to be very strong and so with the husband and try to understand her situation and do all things to work out everything.

[Ebunoluwa 6,136]

Though homesickness and culture shock all play a role, I find it extremely self centered of her to say she wants to leave ONE DAY after marrying.
Why not before, why just one day after ?
She can wait to visit after her AP in just a few more months ! To want to leave now and soothe her whatever she is trying to sooth

is just selfishness and silly and disrespectful to you. Would she even want you to go with her to live there ?

She needs to get her big girl panties on and stand by her man, after all you have made sacrifices for her as well.
I admire you for setting time with your son as a priority, you are right to do so. He needs you.

She needs to do what is best for everyone not just herself.

It's a choice not an emergency.
I am an immigrant also and understand integrating issues all too well and barely spoke English when I came to this country young and naive.

Never would I have even thought about leaving one day after marrying and without the chance to come back except through another expensive

long dang petition. Seriously, this is ridiculous. I have no sympathy for spoiled self absorbed people who will not even try to deal with it all

but want to float backwards and make life a living hell for everyone else after you have given it your all.
Some people just want microwave fixes for their perceived 'suffering.' She won't melt waiting 3 months for AP to visit.
I don't know your wife and my comment is a general observation so forgive my being blunt.

[Laspoxaroumeni 68]

Tuck, I'll share my thoughts and personal experiences, but unfortunately it all comes down to the two of you. At the end of the day the TWO of you will make it work or you won;t. Nobody can do it for you.

Our first three months together were hell, the next three months were slightly less hellish. In the next thee months my wife asked how she can file for divorce. Twice my wife has taken herself to the airport. Marriage made in heaven right?

There is so much at play here that you have no idea about.

I do not subscribe to the idea these girls plan these things out. I think they have every intention of making a life with us. But, the reality of middle class life in the US is very different then they imagine it to be.

Those of us who like to travel and experience new cultures don;t realize how traumatic this move is for family based cultures. We live alone and like. Asians not so much. They love the family, social aspect of their life. Suddenly it's just the two of you. Face it your not that charming after a long day of work.

Most likely she is bored, lonely, and homesick. mostly homesick.

You also need to consider what is going on in the background with her family. Are they pressuring her for money? After all, now she has a rich American husband she should be building a new house for mom, buying motorbikes for her siblings, etc. If she is torn between her responsibility to her family and to you, who does she choose?

I am completely convinced my wife would have left in the first three months had it not been for a couple Thai girls here in town who knew exactly how to handle her. Finding that support system is crucial to the adjustment. You can tell her truths over and over, but they don;t ring true until she can hear it from her sisters. My wife thought I was lying about having to make a mortgage and car payment each month. When the Thai girls told her it was true, then she believed me. She couldn't understand how I could afford to stay in Thailand for months at a time, go out party, eat, tour, etc. but in the US I had to live on a budget. What really made it real for her was finding out the other girls work two or three jobs so they can have a house and car and "stuff".

My wife is very independent. She had her own business. Car, motorbike, etc. she could go and do as she pleases. Suddenly she is completely dependent on me for everything. money, food, transportation. I'm sure you don;t treat her like a slave, but she could easily feel like one.

When my wife asked to go back home for the umbteenth time. I said ok, but we have put so much time into this process please wait until the AP comes through otherwise it's a one way trip. I said the day you get the AP, if you still want to go home I will buy a ticket. The AP arrived, she put it on her wallet and she is still here.

Tuck, this process is much more difficult for her then it is for you. I'm sure there is more going on in the background then you are aware of. You have to be the better person here. Turn a blind ear to what she says and try to hang in there.

If she is intent on self pitty there isn;t a lot you can do. But Phils girls are by nature fun and light hearted. You just need to find that part of her again.

A few ideas:

Get a tablet for her

Set up a facebook account for her

Set up a skype account for her

Get her on the phone with her family

Get her access to native tv programing. Movies, tv shows, etc. If she spends all day looking at soaps, thats ok.

If she won;t go out to meet local Phils natives, ask a few to come to your house. They will know just how to handle her.

Give her an out. Do this and this for me, if you still want to go I will buy the ticket. Give her some control over her life.

*** Self serving Soapbox moment ***

For those of you who do not have a spouse from a poor country. Please refrain from comment like "she planned this" "this doesn't sound right" "she has an agenda" etc. If you come from a wealthy western country, you have a skill and a good job, you have no idea of the dynamics at play here. You need to spend time in these cultures to understand them. Our western morals and attitudes just don't fit in all situations. So please, be supportive and respectful. Give her the benefit of the doubt and let Tuck decide if she is genuine or not.

*** Stepping off soapbox ***

U are so awesome! Well done!!!!