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Filed: Timeline
Posted

Let her go back, clearly you are not her priority.

And it's just that simple. I am not sure why people try to figure out another human being.

My Wife also has slight reservations after living here for 3 months (they really should allow beneficiaries to get tourist visas that can never be adjusted so they can visit during the process) and we discussed this and our solution will be frequent visits for us to Nigeria.

I've said this before and I'll say it again, your significant others should (1) be fully vested in the immigration process and (2) have a dying passion to be with you wherever you might live, even if it's Rwanda.

Another pet peeve is I hate to read "I am bringing my Wife/Husband from so and so". No, you are both working on gaining immigration benefit for your Wife/Husband.

Anyways good luck OP, seems like you have the opportunity to work in the Philippines, if it means solving your issues (I don't think so) then move there with your Wife. Don't use your Son as a crutch. He is a teenager and if he has his Mum then he can stay there and you can both visit. Maybe your Son will like living in the Phil. I have many coworkers whose children are going to school over there by choice.

Posted

Tuck, I'll share my thoughts and personal experiences, but unfortunately it all comes down to the two of you. At the end of the day the TWO of you will make it work or you won;t. Nobody can do it for you.

Our first three months together were hell, the next three months were slightly less hellish. In the next thee months my wife asked how she can file for divorce. Twice my wife has taken herself to the airport. Marriage made in heaven right? smile.png

There is so much at play here that you have no idea about.

I do not subscribe to the idea these girls plan these things out. I think they have every intention of making a life with us. But, the reality of middle class life in the US is very different then they imagine it to be.

Those of us who like to travel and experience new cultures don;t realize how traumatic this move is for family based cultures. We live alone and like. Asians not so much. They love the family, social aspect of their life. Suddenly it's just the two of you. Face it your not that charming after a long day of work.

Most likely she is bored, lonely, and homesick. mostly homesick.

You also need to consider what is going on in the background with her family. Are they pressuring her for money? After all, now she has a rich American husband she should be building a new house for mom, buying motorbikes for her siblings, etc. If she is torn between her responsibility to her family and to you, who does she choose?

I am completely convinced my wife would have left in the first three months had it not been for a couple Thai girls here in town who knew exactly how to handle her. Finding that support system is crucial to the adjustment. You can tell her truths over and over, but they don;t ring true until she can hear it from her sisters. My wife thought I was lying about having to make a mortgage and car payment each month. When the Thai girls told her it was true, then she believed me. She couldn't understand how I could afford to stay in Thailand for months at a time, go out party, eat, tour, etc. but in the US I had to live on a budget. What really made it real for her was finding out the other girls work two or three jobs so they can have a house and car and "stuff".

My wife is very independent. She had her own business. Car, motorbike, etc. she could go and do as she pleases. Suddenly she is completely dependent on me for everything. money, food, transportation. I'm sure you don;t treat her like a slave, but she could easily feel like one.

When my wife asked to go back home for the umbteenth time. I said ok, but we have put so much time into this process please wait until the AP comes through otherwise it's a one way trip. I said the day you get the AP, if you still want to go home I will buy a ticket. The AP arrived, she put it on her wallet and she is still here. smile.png

Tuck, this process is much more difficult for her then it is for you. I'm sure there is more going on in the background then you are aware of. You have to be the better person here. Turn a blind ear to what she says and try to hang in there.

If she is intent on self pitty there isn;t a lot you can do. But Phils girls are by nature fun and light hearted. You just need to find that part of her again.

A few ideas:

Get a tablet for her

Set up a facebook account for her

Set up a skype account for her

Get her on the phone with her family

Get her access to native tv programing. Movies, tv shows, etc. If she spends all day looking at soaps, thats ok.

If she won;t go out to meet local Phils natives, ask a few to come to your house. They will know just how to handle her.

Give her an out. Do this and this for me, if you still want to go I will buy the ticket. Give her some control over her life.

*** Self serving Soapbox moment ***

For those of you who do not have a spouse from a poor country. Please refrain from comment like "she planned this" "this doesn't sound right" "she has an agenda" etc. If you come from a wealthy western country, you have a skill and a good job, you have no idea of the dynamics at play here. You need to spend time in these cultures to understand them. Our western morals and attitudes just don't fit in all situations. So please, be supportive and respectful. Give her the benefit of the doubt and let Tuck decide if she is genuine or not.

*** Stepping off soapbox ***

I'm so lucky to have a loving and understanding husband..

ich_liebe_dich_103.jpg
March 29,2013-------Notice of Action "1st"
November 14,2013-------Notice of Action ( Notice of transferred NSC )
December 20,2013-------Notice of Action "Approval"
December 26,2013-------Case was Shipped to National Visa Center
January 13,2014 -------Case received at NVC
February 12, 2014-------NVC Assigned Case Number

February 25,2014------- Paid AOS & IV bill

February 27,2014------ -AOS & IV documents was submitted to NVC ( Completed DS-260 )

March 4, 2014 --------- NVC received AOS & IV documents

March 10 & 11,2014 -----( Done Advanced Medical at SLEC ) = Passed

March 21,2014---------- Case Completed

April 04,2014---------Received Interview Date ( P4)

May 5,2014-------- -Interview ( APPROVED )

event.png
event.png
event.png

Filed: K-1 Visa Country: Philippines
Timeline
Posted (edited)

Slowlyman,95% of what you said is perfect. There are a few things that you missed on, but only because you don't know her. All in all I think you nailed it.

She is educated and has a degree, she is integrated by tablet, computer, Skype, FaceTime etc. With her family and friends who live in the Philippines, Japan and elsewhere in the USA. She has even lived abroad herself and so has a bit broader knowledge of the world.

But yeah, ultimately I work way to much and she is bored off of her ###. The volunteer tip in another reply was great. She is a huge animal lover and I'm looking into that now. I'd also very much like to get her in touch with local Filipinos, just not having any luck with that. She has a childhood associate that lives an hour away but she has no urge to meet her.

I did this because I love her. I didn't meet her online, we meet at work and this only grew until THIS.

I'm scared to death because she is the most impetuous person I've ever met and she could just up and leave one day without really considering the complications.

And for cripes sake, I'm tired of being alone.

*sorry for the typos, I'm doing this on a tablet

Edited by tuck4x4
Posted (edited)

you have mentioned she is educated, and has a degree.. maybe she wants to work?... just, please talk to your wife.. good/great communication is a key to a successful marriage smile.png

Edited by rinoa

ich_liebe_dich_103.jpg
March 29,2013-------Notice of Action "1st"
November 14,2013-------Notice of Action ( Notice of transferred NSC )
December 20,2013-------Notice of Action "Approval"
December 26,2013-------Case was Shipped to National Visa Center
January 13,2014 -------Case received at NVC
February 12, 2014-------NVC Assigned Case Number

February 25,2014------- Paid AOS & IV bill

February 27,2014------ -AOS & IV documents was submitted to NVC ( Completed DS-260 )

March 4, 2014 --------- NVC received AOS & IV documents

March 10 & 11,2014 -----( Done Advanced Medical at SLEC ) = Passed

March 21,2014---------- Case Completed

April 04,2014---------Received Interview Date ( P4)

May 5,2014-------- -Interview ( APPROVED )

event.png
event.png
event.png

Filed: K-1 Visa Country: Philippines
Timeline
Posted

Any way you can be her a pet if she loves animals? When I lived abroad, my husband got me finches and I can't say enough about the joy they gave me.

We brought her 2 poodles with her. One is now pregnant due to molestation from my mother's Maltese. She is due on the 17th.

Filed: Timeline
Posted (edited)

"Don't use your Son as a crutch. He is a teenager and if he has his Mum then he can stay there and you can both visit. Maybe your Son will like living in the Phil. I have many coworkers whose children are going to school over there by choice."

Really? I can only wonder what kind of parent you are. This is crappy advice. Believe me, growing up without the presence of your father changes you for life. I have experience with this. 3 years is a small sacrifice for a healthy child.

I'm a good Father and my oldest Daughter is in Stanford. You don't have an infant, you have a teenager so yes don't use your child as a crutch not to get happiness in your life.

I never said you should abandon your child. He can move with you to the Philippines to study, many Americans are living, working and studying in the Philippines.

Where was your Son when you were working on the Phillipines where you met your Wife? At an orphanage?

My duty as a Father is not in question, it's your ability to keep your 1 day marriage together that is in question.

So children that grew up without a Father who died, is in the military, or worked overseas are doomed to a life of failure?

Edited by Gowon
Filed: Timeline
Posted

Or maybe she was waiting to get married to file

Vawa,and came out with the non sense I want

To go home...In Philippines they are instructed

How to file Vawa,first lesson get married.

I thought of that but if that's true she wouldn't want to leave and go back home though.

Unless going back home is just a ruse.

Filed: K-1 Visa Country: Philippines
Timeline
Posted

I'm a good Father and my oldest Daughter is in Stanford. You don't have an infant, you have a teenager so yes don't use your child as a crutch not to get happiness in your life.

I never said you should abandon your child. He can move with you to the Philippines to study, many Americans are living, working and studying in the Philippines.

Where was your Son when you were working on the Phillipines where you met your Wife? At an orphanage?

My duty as a Father is not in question, it's your ability to keep your 1 day marriage together that is in question.

So children that grew up without a Father who died, is in the military, or worked overseas are doomed to a life of failure?

The mistake I made was working abroad when my son needed me. He's 14, and needs me now more than ever.

Did you live away from your children when they were 14? Or were you there for them?

We could always ask my son. I have and I know what his answer is.

Filed: Timeline
Posted

The mistake I made was working abroad when my son needed me. He's 14, and needs me now more than ever.

Did you live away from your children when they were 14? Or were you there for them?

We could always ask my son. I have and I know what his answer is.

1) I never said to abandon your child. You are missing this key part. I suggested that maybe you can take your Son with you. If it's not possible then you can't do that but don't dismiss it as an invalid or crappy suggestion. I can't make decisions for you I can only offer suggestions and it's up to you to exercise the one that will work for your situation.

2) I've said this many times on this forum. My kids are living with my Wife full time out of state. I cannot co-parent with my Ex so she's the primary parent. So yes I am not joined at the hip with my children but I am there for them in my own way. Incidentally I see a lot of dysfunctional families that live under the same roof thinking they have a great family life just because both parents are there.

You are taking the word crutch out of context. Read my original post again.

 
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