Inhumane

[FD&MDVL 58]

I agree being separated from your loved ones can be stressful. I've been separated from my husband since August 2012 and you have no idea how stressful I am. My hair falls off and I sleep less every night because I can't stop thinking about the process. You are lucky you had spend the holidays with them.

I understand too- HANG IN THERE- I left my wife and two daughters in Honduras November 2012- When I left our youngest daughter was just 5 months old--

THANK YOU for what we have- strong faith, a strong relationship, a TEAM effort, and SKYPE video calls. The first year we were separated we didn't even have SKYPE so when we got internet in that part of the country it was a blessing.

this too shall pass.

[aaron2020 11,651]

Suck it up??? Are you serious? That's such a cruel and heartless thing to say. Are you one of those people who adjusted status so you're incapable of understanding?

Being deployed is by choice.... one doesn't have to be in the military.

Wow... suck it up.... SMH If it weren't for the fact that moderators are here, I'd have some pretty colorful things to say to you, witch

Shame on all of the people who "upped" that comment, too... you have no clue whatsoever.

One does not have to immigrate either. Immigrating to the US is also a choice. No one is forced to or have to immigrate to the US.

I would rather accept the things that I cannot change - such as the required separation while the petition is pending - rather then spend months on end complaining about something I cannot change.

Edited February 3, 2014 by aaron2020

[rjichc22a 1]

...when I was young, I had to wait for someone. The wait was excruciating, the situation totally outside of my control... and it was traumatic. At that point I began to consider what I had to do to be able to survive the wait.

I learned that I lived in the present, called 'now'.... and that I could not wait a year, 2 years, or 10. All I could do was wait... 'now'. Time is continuous, the past and future make up our experiences, and hope... but 'NOW' is all I can truly contend with.

This perception separated me from the agony of a 'year wait', reducing it to 'waiting' in the moment. Maybe it was a mental breakdown, temporary insanity... or a 'key'... but ever since then... I have been able to 'wait' and though at times sad, at times angry, I always return to the perception that now is where I live, and all I can truly handle.

I utilized my time to do all I could 'now' so the future could be more promising.... I do not borrow stress from the future, I do all I can.. now.

Just my .02 cents... hope it helps..

[Boiler 45,402]

The time taken is not exactly a secret and should form part of any decision.

[Kaylara 814]

The length of the wait that we were seeing on VJ when I applied was considerably shorter than what we've had to wait, and we're not even done with it yet. It's not that we weren't expecting to wait. But we made the best decision based on the information that we had available at the time. There was no way that we could have known that they were going to leave our application to gather dust for 7 1/2 months. I actually checked the information here and at other immigration sites, and they were consistently a 8-9 month wait from PD to POE.

[Raj&Jeena 1]

I agree being separated from your loved ones can be stressful. I've been separated from my husband since August 2012 and you have no idea how stressful I am. My hair falls off and I sleep less every night because I can't stop thinking about the process. You are lucky you had spend the holidays with them.

[Kaylara 814]

Shame on you.

What is the alternative to dealing with the immigration system?

###### and moan and create stress?

It's not about being heartless. It's about how to deal with the separation.

Isn't it better to be prepared for and accept the separation than to ###### and moan about it when the OP can not do anything to change it?

Wrong. We were prepared to wait and accepted it that we would be apart for a while. We weren't prepared for the fact that they were going to hold our case for as long as they did, because people who'd filed just a few months before us did not experience those delays.

Instead of telling people to suck it up, we should all work towards improving it. You're assuming that we can't change anything. In that, I think you're entirely wrong.

As far as how to dealing with separation, well, telling someone suck it up is not helpful. It doesn't give any tips on dealing with the stress. It doesn't give tips on effective communication with your spouse. It gives no hint of how to work around financial hardships that come from trying to maintain 2 households. It does not show any empathy or consideration for someone who is going through a rough time, and thus no emotional support.

Telling someone to suck it up says: Sucks to be you. If coming from someone who got their fiancee/spouse here in a short amount of time, it says: I got mine, who cares if you get yours. It says: Your pain isn't important or real. It minimizes and demeans someone who is already feeling extremely low. Telling someone to stop complaining about something that is bothering them just says that you don't consider them important enough to have real and valid feelings and opinions. YOU have the option of not responding or not reading threads where people are complaining if you don't want to see or hear complaining. But coming in and basically telling someone to shut up and take whatever their given is bullcrap.

[christeen 966]

One thing I will say, once you are reunited and living together, the memory of all the separation and the stress fades away... So it gets more difficult to relate (even though in actuality, we all went through the stresses of this process) Like childbirth, you remember it hurt, but difficult to imagine all the pain and discomfort once you have the one you love... I suppose that is why people who went through the process a while ago can sometimes come off as callous. I like to think that in this way, it is a positive that someday, you too will distantly remember your seperation and it will seem like a short blip in your life... Spend this time getting your home, life and personal stuff in order as th vs get crazy and difficult once they arrive...

[Raj&Jeena 1]

I'm so sorry to hear that everyone's having such a hard time with the process. My wife and I have also been separated since August 2012 and at the time she was pregnant. My son turned 1 in December and we are still waiting. At times it seems like I'm going crazy with the process but I know that when we are reunited I will have my family back. I work for the government in my country and I experience first hand at how people complain about the length of time thing take but what we need to be reminded it is people/ human beings who has made it hard for ourselves if people had adhered to the rules the process would have been seem less instead people treat these things like a business and now everyone had to be thoroughly investigated because of these unscrupulous characters. It's the legit ones like us who suffer but as they say such is the way of life.

[Kaylara 814]

I'm so sorry to hear that everyone's having such a hard time with the process. My wife and I have also been separated since August 2012 and at the time she was pregnant. My son turned 1 in December and we are still waiting. At times it seems like I'm going crazy with the process but I know that when we are reunited I will have my family back. I work for the government in my country and I experience first hand at how people complain about the length of time thing take but what we need to be reminded it is people/ human beings who has made it hard for ourselves if people had adhered to the rules the process would have been seem less instead people treat these things like a business and now everyone had to be thoroughly investigated because of these unscrupulous characters. It's the legit ones like us who suffer but as they say such is the way of life.

We're not waiting because of normal processing times. We're waiting because the USCIS decided to process DACA cases instead of I130's. And once they started processing them again, they did not devote enough human resources to it. This wait isn't because of increased security checks. It's because they decided that we didn't have any kind of priority.

[Harpa Timsah 13,258]

I remind everyone that the person who said "suck it up" went through a few denials and AP from what I understand, and therefore was separated for some years. That is advice from someone who has "been there, done that."

I am amazed how people do no research before applying and make their situation so much worse. I see many posts all over this form with people complaining, but had they just done their research, the situation could have been avoided. I can think of one poster who AOSed his wife who had an older teenager who was at home, and now complains frequently that they are separated from the son. Had they not AOSed, done K-1, then the kid could have been here years ago.

It is really tough, but remember you are not being personally punished, and it will be over and you will make it. Good luck to all.

[aaron2020 11,651]

We're not waiting because of normal processing times. We're waiting because the USCIS decided to process DACA cases instead of I130's. And once they started processing them again, they did not devote enough human resources to it. This wait isn't because of increased security checks. It's because they decided that we didn't have any kind of priority.

Where in the laws does it say that you get priority?

Where in the law does it say that cases like yours are entitled to more human resources?

You do realize that the US government has many responsibilities to many people right?

Just because your case is a priority for your, it does not make it so for the US government which has other fish to fry.

Essentially, I see you whine about how others are being served and not you.

Me. Me. Me. That's the entitlement attitude that is ruining this country.

[Kaylara 814]

One thing I will say, once you are reunited and living together, the memory of all the separation and the stress fades away... So it gets more difficult to relate (even though in actuality, we all went through the stresses of this process) Like childbirth, you remember it hurt, but difficult to imagine all the pain and discomfort once you have the one you love... I suppose that is why people who went through the process a while ago can sometimes come off as callous. I like to think that in this way, it is a positive that someday, you too will distantly remember your seperation and it will seem like a short blip in your life... Spend this time getting your home, life and personal stuff in order as th vs get crazy and difficult once they arrive...

I had a LDR with my husband before we married. We've been married 8 years. Even before this process, we did not forget how much it sucked. Because when things were difficult, or bad things happened, we could look at each other and say "at least we're together. At least we're dealing with this together." We are not together right now. We have a limited ability to comfort and support each other. Our children have reached the end of their ropes. My eldest daughter is breaking out in stress rashes, her stomach constantly hurts, she tells me every day that she's sick, and doesn't feel good. They tell me both every day that they miss their father. She told me a few weeks ago that she thought she was never going to see her daddy again. I sincerely, truly, do not believe that anyone in my family or extended circle of friends is going to forget this any time soon.

Things will certainly be better when we're together. That doesn't mean that we're going to forget that we were apart for so long. (The longest we've gone without seeing each other since we got together, 10 years ago.) I certainly wouldn't consider telling other people to just get over and suck it up while I was enjoying the company of my husband. That's incredibly insensitive and callous.

But I also remember the births of both of my children in very clear detail, and the hell that I went through trying to get my residency permit in the Netherlands. So maybe some people just have longer memories than others.

[Kaylara 814]

Where in the laws does it say that you get priority?

Where in the law does it say that cases like yours are entitled to more human resources?

You do realize that the US government has many responsibilities to many people right?

Just because your case is a priority for your, it does not make it so for the US government which has other fish to fry.

Essentially, I see you whine about how others are being served and not you.

Me. Me. Me. That's the entitlement attitude that is ruining this country.

Priority, in this context, implying that we were on the list of applications that had resources devoted to it. Which I thought was clear from the context of my post. Our cases had no priority, in that they had basically no resources devoted to dealing with them.

But that being said, US Citizens and their immediate family members DO have an expectation of priority. As the only immigrant classes that have no numerical limits and visas "immediately" available, along with the very clearly stated goals in our immigration laws of Family Unity being the #1 priority, it does mean that we should be first in line.

Yes, me me me, you're damn right. I'm an American Citizen, and my family absolutely should come before people who came to the US illegally because we are going through the proper legal channels. If that makes me entitled, then so be it. That doesn't mean that I think they shouldn't be serviced, but they should NOT be getting put in the line ahead of people who are following the law.

I'm not whining, I'm stating facts. And working to improve the situation, which is more than I can say for any of the posters here who continue to come in and actively try to discourage people who are already going through a bad time.

If you don't like reading my posts, you can always block me.

Also, I do so love being told that I'm the ruination of the US. It's such a powerful position, having the ability to single-handedly ruin a country. I wonder if I could expand this super power to other areas of my life.

[Ketsuban 1,034]

I personally think the stress is motivated by the I-130s not being processed for a good part of 2013. There was a lot of uncertainty and still is, even now that processing has picked up again. We tend to see a lot of worst-case-scenarios on this site, such as people still waiting for NOA2s who petitioned for their spouses a year or so ago. After reading so many horror stories, you begin to worry that it will happen to you.

I think instead of competing over who has it the hardest and criticising people for suffering emotionally during the separation period, we should all rally together to support one another through this process.