Inhumane

[Boiler 45,487]

The main issue is people forgetting to go home and working.

There are about 6 million of the former and I have come across plenty of the latter.

[Jamie & Izzy 98]

Bull. I've been married for 8 years, and spent that time (up until this past year) with him in his country. So I went through the immigration system in his country as well. And waited 2+ years for a residency permit that was supposed to take 6 months, but at least I was allowed to stay with him during the time it took to process my case.

The relationship issues you're describing are your own, and not everyone's experience with marrying someone from another country/culture. My husband doesn't annoy me, nor I him. We dealt with infertility, the deaths of several of my close family members, money issues, systemic racism and sexism in his portion of the country, and a litany of other #######, because that's life. Our relationship is a source of great joy and happiness. Our being from different cultures keeps things interesting. But people have been telling us that we were going to grow out of our honeymoon phase for the better part of a decade. Obviously, we're just delusional.

To call this separation "little" is dismissive and flippant. It's not little to us, nor to our children. This is the longest that we've ever been apart in the 10 years total that we've been together. We like what little skype time we get because mostly we talk on the phone. Because when our children see his face and talk to him on the computer, they spend the next several days moping around and crying hysterically. During this time apart, I've also had to put away most of my pictures of him, because the little one carries them around the house talking to them, kissing them, and playing with them, and the big one sees them and cries. So you go ahead and be flippant because your wait is a blip in your rear-view mirror already. I personally don't forget how much it sucked not being able to work or do anything for 2+ years while we waited for my Verblijfsvergunning over there. Just because you have come to this conclusion and have had this reaction does not mean everyone will or should have the same one.

I don't think missing out on a year (or more) of our lives together is a blip. A year, right now, is half of our youngest daughter's entire life. Just because my family isn't dying of famine, or being ravished by war, it doesn't mean that it's not suffering. Just because there are worse things in this world, it doesn't mean that this is fine and normal. One bad thing doesn't cancel out or negate another.

This entire situation sucks, and if there's something I can work towards to try to improve the system so that people in the future don't have to deal with this kind of anguish, I'm going to do it. The fact that people are stuck in limbo for years with no answers is entirely unacceptable. Positive thinking and just keeping going are great coping mechanisms. But real change is not brought about by positive thinking alone. It requires real world action.

OP, I'm so sorry that you're separated from those that you love. I hope that your process will be over quickly. *hugs*

Kaylara you just rock ! You are one of the few people making it worth going on VJ,Smart helpful and KIND !

People don`t seem to get that systems can changed if people would work together ...I see people posting mean hateful comments and they waited less then 7 month for the entire thing,and i`m sure they do not have kids yet they have huge big mean mouths ...

Thank you.

Izzy

[thedude6752000 360]

I would love for you to show me one couple our government denied a marriage to because one of the spouses is foreign. Did you even think about this statement before you made it? Seriously after 9/11 things have changed. Background checks need to be done, it's national security. Would you rather have the government let everyone in and not do background checks so,your case can be adjudicated overnight?

Carolynhotstuff's husband over in Pakistan has, after going through a more than 1 year-long visa process, been put into and held in AP for more than 4 YEARS. That's functionally telling someone that they can't be together. No amount of name checks takes of four years. If you're taking that long to finish such a project, that means that it must be changing hands, which in facts increases the chances of letting a dangerous person in. The only concievable reason for a wait that long is that the government does not want citizens of that country coming to the US. It's a disgrace and a crime against humanity to do that to two people who love each other. It's totally inexcusable.

[Avery Cates 1,141]

Carolynhotstuff's husband over in Pakistan has, after going through a more than 1 year-long visa process, been put into and held in AP for more than 4 YEARS. That's functionally telling someone that they can't be together. No amount of name checks takes of four years. If you're taking that long to finish such a project, that means that it must be changing hands, which in facts increases the chances of letting a dangerous person in. The only concievable reason for a wait that long is that the government does not want citizens of that country coming to the US. It's a disgrace and a crime against humanity to do that to two people who love each other. It's totally inexcusable.

She could always move there.

[thedude6752000 360]

She could always move there.

People who think like this should be kicked out of the country and then told that they can always make a life somewhere else.

[Avery Cates 1,141]

People who think like this should be kicked out of the country and then told that they can always make a life somewhere else.

Now you're just being absurd.

However, after 5 years, I'd start seriously considering other options.

[Novembro 1,763]

It's totally inhumane. I remember my major mental breakdown I had around the 7 month mark. It involved a lot of wine, crying and screaming, throwing phones, and more wine.

Do you have anyone you can talk to that you trust? A therapist? It's really helpful to get all your feelings on the table to an unbiased party. And it will end! Don't worry. Hugs.

[Avery Cates 1,141]

It's totally inhumane.

People keep using that word, but I don't think they know what it means.

[Novembro 1,763]

People keep using that word, but I don't think they know what it means.

Shall I define it for you?

[Ryan H 3,812]

Posts that do nothing more than to stir up drama end here. Either address the OP or do not post, thread bans will come if this warning is ignored.

[Boiler 45,487]

Now you're just being absurd.

However, after 5 years, I'd start seriously considering other options.

I would tend to agree that it might be time for Plan B.

[Ebunoluwa 6,136]

Often there are no alternatives or options to move to the beneficiary's country.
If someone has children and their father will not agree to let them move then there is nothing you can do.
If a child is chronically ill and needs good medical care then you don't want to take it out of the country !
Having spend a financial mountain of dollar bills already on the process and running out of resources while one or the other loses their job
makes moving and starting over in another country just as hard. Debt incurred here does not pay itself when leaving the US.
If ill parents are dependent on your care you can't leave. There can be multiple reasons and just because you can does not mean everyone
else can up and move because our immigration system is broken. The focus needs to be on fixing the system not how to by pass it by moving.
It is just silly to say move to his country.
It is absolutely ridiculous to have people waiting for unreasonably long times, especially the way it is done, a non transparent

process shrouded in mystery, teased with multiple requests to re submit fresh medicals and forms, losing documents, not responding

to the petitioner and informing them of what the heck is going on....there is no excuse for that.
This process needs improvement and more transparency and less power trips by agencies and individual CO's.
There need to be clear limits to how long this can be dragging on and on. I am all for security but not at the expense of waiting years and years

for no apparent reason.
People like Carolynhotstuff and many others need to either be approved or told why they aren't approved. Period.
Floating in the unknown like many of us have been, causes anxiety and stress and is just not an exemplary process that is
befitting a world leader like the USA. It is a remnant of something resembling the 1800. Only then immigration was easier.
A year waiting ...fine, I have no problem with that. Two to three years ? Hell no. That is NOT ok.

If they can't figure out if security is an issue with someone after a year then something is very wrong with the entities/agencies/individuals that handle the cases. That needs to be addressed through congress.

Congress will not move unless complaints are voiced continuously by everyone affected.

Edited January 7, 2014 by Ebunoluwa

[skysofialila 45]

Thousands of families are separated every day Most deployed service members are separated from their family and many in high risk situations. You are lucky to be able to visit almost at will. Probably half the VJ couples are not from VWP countries and even when they are it is sometimes a full day of expensive flight time to spend time together. No the process isn't perfect but you just need to suck it up because it is only temporary.

Suck it up??? Are you serious? That's such a cruel and heartless thing to say. Are you one of those people who adjusted status so you're incapable of understanding?

Being deployed is by choice.... one doesn't have to be in the military.

Wow... suck it up.... SMH If it weren't for the fact that moderators are here, I'd have some pretty colorful things to say to you, witch

Shame on all of the people who "upped" that comment, too... you have no clue whatsoever.

Edited February 3, 2014 by skysofialila

[skysofialila 45]

Being a member of this website has offered me great support and knowledge while going through this process. I have recently returned from visiting my husband and step children over the holidays. I helped my husband through a hospital procedure, celebrated his birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's. I made new curtains for our apartment that we secured during my last visit, drove the kids to school, made lunches and was able to be a wife and step mother. I have now returned to my apartment in Canada, returned to my job and feeling complete emptiness and heartbreak. My mental health is being greatly challenged and at times I am feeling so depressed that I wonder how much longer I can endure the wait. The process is inhumane. I would love to ask any of those in power over our cases to be separated from their children, husbands for over a year and hear how they react and see how many of them end up physically and mentally ill from the stress.

Stress is the number one cause of life threatening disease! Cancers, heart problems, raised cholesterol, suicide are all affected or caused by severe stress!

This treatment is inhumane. We are being tortured.

I do try and think of the positive...that everyday is one day closer....that I am happy to have spent some time together....to continue to do the things I have enjoyed in the past to protect myself. I work in the field of health!

So....thank you for letting me vent! Thank you for being strong and being there for me and others. Only those of us going through this can understand the pain and torment.

Wishing that we stay strong together and that our strength and love will make this world a better place one day!

Dear snowflakepr,

I am sorry about the pain you're going through and for many of the cruel, heartless, and ignorant comments made by people who have no idea what you're going through. I don't know anyone in real life (outside of visa journey) who is going through this journey because everyone else I know has adjusted their status.

I suffer from depression and anxiety, too. I have been apart from my husband for 2 1/2 years. If more people knew what we were going through, laws would be changed quickly.

I try to stay positive but it is very, very difficult. No one understands my pain except for my visa journey family... and by that I mean people who've had to endure staying away.. not AOSers. The stress and pain is very difficult.

I do tend to take my aggression out here on some members who post asinine comments. One day I will be banned from these forums because I will say the wrong thing to the trolls and insensitive people, I know. But for now, at least I get virtually meet a great group of people who have been my only source of support.

Vent away, my friend! This will not be over soon nor will it be easy.

[aaron2020 11,651]

Suck it up??? Are you serious? That's such a cruel and heartless thing to say. Are you one of those people who adjusted status so you're incapable of understanding?

Being deployed is by choice.... one doesn't have to be in the military.

Wow... suck it up.... SMH If it weren't for the fact that moderators are here, I'd have some pretty colorful things to say to you, witch

Shame on all of the people who "upped" that comment, too... you have no clue whatsoever.

Shame on you.

What is the alternative to dealing with the immigration system?

and moan and create stress?

It's not about being heartless. It's about how to deal with the separation.

Isn't it better to be prepared for and accept the separation than to and moan about it when the OP can not do anything to change it?