Inhumane

[Boiler 45,402]

Security has very little to do with the issue, presumably every time I visited they did them whilst I was on the plane.

[CowBoE 429]

I think I also have used "inhumane" term to describe torturous processing and waiting.

That said, everything is relative.

Some countries are much worse as they don't allow such immigration at all.

At least US allows such foreigners to become a citizen.

I think the worst thing you can do is worry and stress over something you have

very little control over other than to accurately and sufficiently submit your documents.

The best thing you can do is to show positive attitude to your husband and kids

during this waiting period.

[tbthree86 34]

Snowflakepr, I am so sorry about some of the insensitive comments you received from some of the members here. I am also very sorry some chose to nitpick your words, instead of understanding the emotion and feeling behind them. Empathy is defined as "your pain in my heart" and that was really all you were asking for...empathy. It is not an easy process that is for sure! It is also always very difficult when we leave our loved ones. All I can really say is hang in there, I understand your frustration, and you are not alone.

Edited January 6, 2014 by tbthree86

[poolbruce 22]

I totally agree with you. This is not fair our government does not respond to us in a proper manner. They think we are all 2nd class citizens

[Ebunoluwa 6,136]

Though separation is painful try to keep it all in perspective and be grateful that you can visit and have an easy embassy.
There are couples here who have waited years and some who go through it all a second time because the visa was denied.

The longest VJ member I know of has been waiting 7 years, many 2,3 and 4 years.
Focusing on the bright side does not belittle or diminish your own pain of separation but it can encourage you to keep it all in the right perspective.
We were in AP for 16 months and denied and now starting over. I am not saying my pain trumps yours, I am saying look at the positive with

a grateful attitude.
It is a choice to remain depressed or regroup to feel motivated about this process with a graceful disposition and looking forward

to the goal of being reunited.

Returning home after visits is always the worst time. This too shall pass.

[raven52 233]

I feel the pain I felt almost one year ago today, of being told that she had failed her chest x-ray at St. Luke's in Manila, and had to undego go 9 weeks of the "sputum" fiasco.,.,.I know the pain.,.but we got through it, and 10 months and 4 days she P.O.E.,.,., Alanta.

Did any of the the members on this site consider K-1 visa, as in ""general"" it is 1/2 the time. Just a thought. Circumstances prevail, and you each have to do what is best for you, at your time, to file a visa.

When this gets fixed is when the USA adopts term limits on both branches of congress, so that after two terms we have fresh minds in congress, this thing of ""carear"" politions in Washington, is sickening, as we do elect a president every 4 years!

Why are we stuck with the same ""fat cats"" and law makers that are allowed to be "rubber stamped" there for 20, 30, even 40 years.,.,.,.,until WE the people, make change in Washington, and stop this madness going on in USCIS.,.,.,.it is what it is!

I talked to a friend that brought his wife from Cebu, Philippines like I did, and as little as 7 years ago, it was a 2-3 month process.,.,.,no traps, little to no paperwork.,.., but we have let our politicians build this, that we have to deal with!

Just my ""opinion"".,.,.meant to offend no one, just venting, for the lady, that has so much grief! I have been there, I feel your pain!

[Kaylara 814]

You chose to be in a relationship with someone in a foreign country. I'm sorry but trying to say that your pain is an less intense or any less of a choice than a military family is not fair at all.

I liked our time on Skype, we annoyed each other a lot less than we do in person. Once your in person honeymoon phase wears off and you start to hit the real stumbling blocks (like we have in the 1.5 years of in person time) like infertility, multiple miscarriages, death of parents, family drama, home renovations, money issues, moving countries twice, etc. etc. Relationships are rough, cross cultural relationships comes with issues, and trust me this little separation is NOTHING compared to what you will face in the future.

Bull. I've been married for 8 years, and spent that time (up until this past year) with him in his country. So I went through the immigration system in his country as well. And waited 2+ years for a residency permit that was supposed to take 6 months, but at least I was allowed to stay with him during the time it took to process my case.

The relationship issues you're describing are your own, and not everyone's experience with marrying someone from another country/culture. My husband doesn't annoy me, nor I him. We dealt with infertility, the deaths of several of my close family members, money issues, systemic racism and sexism in his portion of the country, and a litany of other #######, because that's life. Our relationship is a source of great joy and happiness. Our being from different cultures keeps things interesting. But people have been telling us that we were going to grow out of our honeymoon phase for the better part of a decade. Obviously, we're just delusional.

To call this separation "little" is dismissive and flippant. It's not little to us, nor to our children. This is the longest that we've ever been apart in the 10 years total that we've been together. We like what little skype time we get because mostly we talk on the phone. Because when our children see his face and talk to him on the computer, they spend the next several days moping around and crying hysterically. During this time apart, I've also had to put away most of my pictures of him, because the little one carries them around the house talking to them, kissing them, and playing with them, and the big one sees them and cries. So you go ahead and be flippant because your wait is a blip in your rear-view mirror already. I personally don't forget how much it sucked not being able to work or do anything for 2+ years while we waited for my Verblijfsvergunning over there. Just because you have come to this conclusion and have had this reaction does not mean everyone will or should have the same one.

I don't think missing out on a year (or more) of our lives together is a blip. A year, right now, is half of our youngest daughter's entire life. Just because my family isn't dying of famine, or being ravished by war, it doesn't mean that it's not suffering. Just because there are worse things in this world, it doesn't mean that this is fine and normal. One bad thing doesn't cancel out or negate another.

This entire situation sucks, and if there's something I can work towards to try to improve the system so that people in the future don't have to deal with this kind of anguish, I'm going to do it. The fact that people are stuck in limbo for years with no answers is entirely unacceptable. Positive thinking and just keeping going are great coping mechanisms. But real change is not brought about by positive thinking alone. It requires real world action.

OP, I'm so sorry that you're separated from those that you love. I hope that your process will be over quickly. *hugs*

[indiana_sweetie 120]

Snowflakepr, hang in there, try to keep busy. Keep dreaming of the day when you will be together permanently. I kept myself busy thinking of things we could do together after hubby immigrated. We kept in touch every day through email, skype and text. We shared pictures. We talked about food, music, you name it. Winter is hard, because the days are short and gloomy. Sometimes I cried. Vitamins, eating right, helping my hubby prepare for his interview, making plans, all those things helped me, and him, too. I'm just trying to give you some ideas about what helped me.

[SennaBrigante 92]

I hate that just 2 weeks after getting married that I had to go back home. I hate even more that my husband wasn't able to get involved in my pregnancy and he won't be able to travel to the PH for our first child's birth. It's either stay in the US and be a good provider for the family or fly here to witness a very important event in our lives. It's unfortunate, depressing and very frustrating. Inhuman though? I don't think I can categorize what I'm going through with truly inhuman acts that I won't get into.

I understand it's really hard to be apart but there are so many couples here that are in a tougher situation than yours and they are coping so well. You can use them as inspirations to help you get through your days.

[Kaylara 814]

I feel the pain I felt almost one year ago today, of being told that she had failed her chest x-ray at St. Luke's in Manila, and had to undego go 9 weeks of the "sputum" fiasco.,.,.I know the pain.,.but we got through it, and 10 months and 4 days she P.O.E.,.,., Alanta.

Did any of the the members on this site consider K-1 visa, as in ""general"" it is 1/2 the time. Just a thought. Circumstances prevail, and you each have to do what is best for you, at your time, to file a visa.

When this gets fixed is when the USA adopts term limits on both branches of congress, so that after two terms we have fresh minds in congress, this thing of ""carear"" politions in Washington, is sickening, as we do elect a president every 4 years!

Why are we stuck with the same ""fat cats"" and law makers that are allowed to be "rubber stamped" there for 20, 30, even 40 years.,.,.,.,until WE the people, make change in Washington, and stop this madness going on in USCIS.,.,.,.it is what it is!

I talked to a friend that brought his wife from Cebu, Philippines like I did, and as little as 7 years ago, it was a 2-3 month process.,.,.,no traps, little to no paperwork.,.., but we have let our politicians build this, that we have to deal with!

Just my ""opinion"".,.,.meant to offend no one, just venting, for the lady, that has so much grief! I have been there, I feel your pain!

A K1 would have been great, had I not moved to my husband's country 8 years ago, or married him. A K3 would even have been fine, we would have paid the added expense. But that's basically an obsolete visa, and it takes about the same time as the IR1 visa that we're going for, while also being inferior. I guess that's a great suggestion for those who are considering whether to go for a K1 or CR1 visa, but for anyone who has been married for years, the only real choice is the IR1 visa. And that entails a long wait.

[Misha'sgirl 44]

Regarding those who are deployed please remember that this was by choice. People do not join the service not knowing that there is a chance of deployment.

I saddened that you feel that telling me to 'suck it up' is helpful when I believe it is clear that I am feeling very depressed.

I should not have posted anything here.

PLEASE don't say that you shouldn't have posted! Some people are simply heartless and cannot percieve how you feel. The ones who want to help are happy that you posted your feelings because we want to support you. I understand. With that said, count yourself lucky because my fiance was not allowed a B visa recently because his country is not part of the VWP. We wanted to visit my family for the holidays. But that didn't happen because of the K1 still processing. However, no one should tell you to "suck it up" in such a rude way. I suggest you find hobbies, spend a lot of time with relatives, talk/skype as much as you can with them, even drinking teas (celestial seasonings is my favorite brand) can really calm you down. This process is long and hard but if it is successful, in the long run, its worth every tear drop and heart ache.

[Virtuous45 31]

It is a very hard process. I remember crying a lot and being sad because I could only visit my husband for a week at a time every 3 months. In that regard I still felt fortunate because I know others cannot visit at all. The USC spouse cannot take a bunch of time off work and the beneficiary isn't able to visit due to tourist visa regulations. (Which has a fix IMHO.) My husband and I lived on Skype and fighting ended up with one of us hanging up and being frustrated that we couldn't just hug and make up. But in the end it's better than someone who has only letters or the occasional email. In the end I try to concentrate on the good and control the things I could control like what ended up going to the NVC. (As Canadians we get electronic processing so I spent a great deal of time making the IV and AOS packages.)

Winter I think is an even worse time to go through this as we spend more time inside, see less sun, tend to be vitamin D deficient, and already have seasonal depression of a type. The best thing really is to start vitamin D supplements, and try to get outside as much as possible. Spend time with friends you likely will not see again for some time (if at all.) Start a class. Exercise. Figure out how to get around where you're going to live (something I should have done more of.) And all in all, be grateful that it's not forever and one day you will be reunited with your loved ones. Be happy you have someone to do this process with and know they, and you, are worth this effort. After all, this is not a process for the faint of heart and not one I would personally have undertaken if I did not, wholeheartedly, believe that this man was my soul-mate; the one person in this world I was supposed to be with; and that he felt exactly the same way.

A very balanced response NLR. The wait is long indeed and we will continue to wonder why the USCIS and NVC can't seem to make it shorter. But while we (both beneficiary and petitioner) wait, lets not just "wait". As we wait, lets try to pass the time positively so that when we finally get to be with our loved ones, they get us in a very healthy state. Its hard being without them, but getting to them in a healthy state of body and mind will be the reward.

[jilliannep 13]

I normally don't chime in on the boards (for obvious reasons) but after seeing the crazy insensitive remarks here, I feel compelled to come to your defense.

In the two+ years my husband and I have been married, we spent all of 4 months together. It's hard knowing that I could be getting on with my life; moving into houses, having babies, forcing him to go shopping with me. I'm just happy that we don't have kids that need to be subjected to the separation and feel sad for those that are. Yes, it's my choice, yes, it's a first world problem, yes, it's a privilege but that doesn't take away the sting. The to some on here is trivial, but pain is relative. (And whose to say that we haven't actually been subjected to your definition of inhumane?)

I think that it would be less mind-racking if during the USCIS phase where you sorta have no control, they update you a bit more. In all the time we were there, one update. I would check the site SEVERAL times a day (I'm glad to have my case finished before all this foolishness happened with the 9 months of waiting). I would have been much more relaxed and willing to wait if they had given me weekly updated. The NVC phase is a pain because they understandably want a standard procedure across all countries. But, countries like my husband's is subject to crazy bureaucracy and crookedness (I often joked with my husband that India makes people honest people dishonest) and it's nearly impossible to get anything done within a reasonable timeframe. How do you fix a broken system?

The only thing getting me through it all was thinking, "okay, it's been 2 years, but just think, we'll have at least 60 more years together; that will make up for it." But, it only works for so long.

Telling OP to suck it up or that she's on crack is really insensitive. We all have our issues to deal with. This is hers.

[Ryan H 3,812]

One post containing an inappropriate comment removed.

[christeen 966]

This forced separation is why I believe that the loophole that people can adjust status from a tourist visa should be eliminated completely! If there is NO chance to stay and adjust, the consulates could be more lenient regarding tourist visa's to spouse/family to at least visit... But since they currently can just "decide on a whim to marry or stay and adjust.. Wink wink" the consulates have to view every person with a tourist visa as an immigrant risk... Thus, less visa's issued. Why not make a visa catagory just for family members with immigrant applications? And put in the specific caveat than cannot adjust status no matter what! It does nothing to address the wait times, but it will at least help alleviate some of the separation pain...