culture shock

[Lija 0]

Yes, thank God, besides all the anguish of adjusting to an alien culture, there are those moments of hilarity when all one can do is laugh. Example: my wife being from Bogota, Colombia speaks, of course, Spanish. I have been slowly teaching her English besides her going to her regular classes. I was teaching her one day, the sound "th" makes in words like "the", "that", "these" and so on, as this sound does not exist in western hemisphere Spanish. She couldn't seem to grasp it. Finally in frustration, and, poking fun at English, she extended her tongue halfway out of her mouth, then pronounced "th", spittle flying all over. . . the result had me falling out of my chair in laughter.

She is doing far better at adjusting here for a few reasons; one, the surrounding country here in Colorado is not all that different from the country surrounding Bogota. Secondly, there are several Colombians, El Salvadorians, Peruvians, etc. here in town, and they are a great support group for her.

Another side of this cultural shock thing, is that few have mentioned that once the new immigrant has been here for one or two years, several have gone back to their native country for a visit, as they were sooooo homesick. When the vast majority of them had the chance to return "home", they were only then aware of the great changes that had taken place within themselves; they were then almost fully aware that they, almost unknowingly, HAD built a new life at their new home with their new spouse, despite all the shock they suffered and were then satisfied to go back and continue on with their newly chosen life. This is, of course, under the assumption their new spouse had treated them well and there was a lot of love and patience there. My wife is dying to return to Colombia to see her family (I will go with her), but I am sure she will discover the same thing. It is RARE that everything will be exactly as it was when they left; their old friends and old haunts will not have changed any, it is THEY who will have changed, and they will not see their "old life" with the same eyes. It just seems to be nature's way of helping us cope.

May all of you have a wonderful Christmas, and may God bless all of you in waiting for your mates!

Lija

[Ta Ta 1]

Yes, thank God, besides all the anguish of adjusting to an alien culture, there are those moments of hilarity when all one can do is laugh. Example: my wife being from Bogota, Colombia speaks, of course, Spanish. I have been slowly teaching her English besides her going to her regular classes. I was teaching her one day, the sound "th" makes in words like "the", "that", "these" and so on, as this sound does not exist in western hemisphere Spanish. She couldn't seem to grasp it. Finally in frustration, and, poking fun at English, she extended her tongue halfway out of her mouth, then pronounced "th", spittle flying all over. . . the result had me falling out of my chair in laughter.

She is doing far better at adjusting here for a few reasons; one, the surrounding country here in Colorado is not all that different from the country surrounding Bogota. Secondly, there are several Colombians, El Salvadorians, Peruvians, etc. here in town, and they are a great support group for her.

Another side of this cultural shock thing, is that few have mentioned that once the new immigrant has been here for one or two years, several have gone back to their native country for a visit, as they were sooooo homesick. When the vast majority of them had the chance to return "home", they were only then aware of the great changes that had taken place within themselves; they were then almost fully aware that they, almost unknowingly, HAD built a new life at their new home with their new spouse, despite all the shock they suffered and were then satisfied to go back and continue on with their newly chosen life. This is, of course, under the assumption their new spouse had treated them well and there was a lot of love and patience there. My wife is dying to return to Colombia to see her family (I will go with her), but I am sure she will discover the same thing. It is RARE that everything will be exactly as it was when they left; their old friends and old haunts will not have changed any, it is THEY who will have changed, and they will not see their "old life" with the same eyes. It just seems to be nature's way of helping us cope.

May all of you have a wonderful Christmas, and may God bless all of you in waiting for your mates!

Lija

So true and such a valid point about the SO returning for a visit and realizing how much they have indeed changed and adjusted.

[Ephesia 0]

Another side of this cultural shock thing, is that few have mentioned that once the new immigrant has been here for one or two years, several have gone back to their native country for a visit, as they were sooooo homesick. When the vast majority of them had the chance to return "home", they were only then aware of the great changes that had taken place within themselves; they were then almost fully aware that they, almost unknowingly, HAD built a new life at their new home with their new spouse, despite all the shock they suffered and were then satisfied to go back and continue on with their newly chosen life. This is, of course, under the assumption their new spouse had treated them well and there was a lot of love and patience there.

Lija

Rock on, Lija, rock on.

Even a week before my flight here last year on June 30, I had already started adjusting, so to speak. I had already known that not only will my life change and continue on in the US, the lives of all I knew and loved in Singapore would do the same without me there. Every day of my last week in Singapore, I watched my brother and sister-in-law very closely whenever they got home from work. They would talk about what they needed to get done the next month. They would discuss things to get for their new baby (who arrived 3½ months after I had moved to the US), and they would share with me all the details of their Japanese restaurant. On my third last night in Singapore, they had bought supper back for me and were already tucking in while I went to grab a spoon. As I walked back from the kitchen to join them, for some reason I stopped dead in my tracks to watch them from behind. I watched them eat, and listened to them chat about what was going to happen a week after I would already be in the US. It hit me for real that the two people closest to me would continue to forge and create their own world while I would be thousands of miles away doing the same. It didn't make me feel utterly sad or anything. It was just a very helpful realization.

The only real time I felt very homesick in the past 1½ years was when my niece was born and my brother played back her first cry on the phone for me to hear. He had made a video for me and figured I'd love to hear that cry. Oh dear me, I turned into a weeping mess for the rest of that morning.

Besides that occasion, I have not really missed my home in Singapore. I love being in the US and being next to my husband. I love the space and environment. I love the hospitality and warmth of the people here in Indiana. I love my husband's family because they show me frequently that even though none of us are perfect, we still love one another because we are family. Oh, and I definitely enjoy American football.

It was a little strange going back to Singapore two months ago for my first visit home. I had a blast catching up with my family and close friends. But towards the end of my trip, I couldn't wait to come back ... mostly because of the weather there. LOL. I also knew what I had suspected sometime ago - that my home now is definitely here and I wanted to return to it. And man, did I miss my husband!

Edited December 26, 2006 by Ephesia

[anya-D 8]

Such a wonderful post Thank you!

Eventhough I've travel and lived in a lot of foreign countrirs - I still get a lot of culture shock - and that I miss Thailand very much.. eventhough I travel alot but ti's not like I'd be living there forever so this is totally different!! I cant imagine for the person who never actually live in other country - how hard it would be for them.. I know it'd be a lot more than me and mine is also pretty bad..

I passed through my ruogh time with love from my husband and his family - and that makes me feel that i've made a good choice.

[jmwprof03 0]

It simply overwhelms me sometimes what Carlos "gave up" to come to the US that I find myself crying. Yes, we are together and yes, the opportunities are numberous here, but before we met he NEVER had any intention of leaving Colombia. There was no need to leave. He had the things that were important to him: family, friends, and a familiar country. In Colombia, as well as many other countries outside of the US, there seems to be a significant difference in familial closeness. In the US, we are often feel that we have to move away for college and then to a city for work. We often spend holidays like New Years boozing and with friends. But in Colombia, it is different. Kids stay with in the same vicinity as their family for easy access for dinners, parties and get-togethers. And, on New Years, family gets together and they celebrate toegether AS A FAMILY. It was culture shock this year when Carlos and I were talking about what to do for New Year's. When he told me that on New Year's, his family gets together at their own free will to eat, drink, sing, play the guitar, and make wishes on 12 grapes, and that Colombians do NOT spend $100 per person going out to bar only to not get any drinks bc it is too crowded, I was shocked. And, when he showed me a video last night of his family celebrating New Year's this year without him, I started to cry. These are the sacrifices on his part that overwhelm me to tears. However, there is another side. When Carlos saw me crying, he kissed me and asked me what was wrong. I managed to mumble something about him making a sacrifice. He looked at me and laughed, and then told me that it wasn't a sacrifice to finally be together. The point? He doesn't feel like he sacrificed anything.

I wish many happy years for all of you.

quote name='Lizzy' date='Dec 21 2006, 12:18 PM' post='630144']

What a fab post!! I emailed it to my hubby

[isleta521 5]

What an awsome post!!!

My wife sacrificed a lot to be with me. She is having a hard time with the language and culture but she is coping. She tells me if I were to die she would move back because I am the only reason she is here. She had everything in Brazil and left it all to be with me. I am so proud of her and my love will always be there through thick and thin.

Some day we plan to move back to Brasil when my girls are older. Then it will be my cultur shock turn .

[Ladylethal 12]

Luis and I also plan to move to Brazil one day, if possible, and although it will a culture shock for him I know he'll cope well, maybe even better than I have.

[Girona40 0]

Luis and I also plan to move to Brazil one day, if possible, and although it will a culture shock for him I know he'll cope well, maybe even better than I have.

I know that, having been here for five years now, I would return to England if anything happened to my husband. There is nothing this country has to offer me that is better than where I come from. He is the only reason I am here.

I lived in Rio de Janeiro for some time, back in the mid-80's. The only thing I found hard to handle was the poverty in the favellas that surrounded Rio - it upset me a lot. But, i is an amazing place! Gentle people, family-orientated culture, just beautiful. I can see why one day you would move there.

[MrsBruce5 0]

Culture shock is definitely a reality and an aspect that even if one is aware of, cannot actually always know what to expect or how to handle. It can be frightening to both because it seems as if there is something wrong, but it isn't always something tangible or conscious that can be described.

Mixed in with all of the immigrant's feelings can be that of what the American feels...a big part of that being guilt. Guilt because we can't seem to help....guilt because of what the other has given up for us....guilt because we think that either we or the life here has somehow disappointed our significant other....guilt because we think they would have been happier not coming here...guilt when they say, "I had to throw that away" or "I miss this or that". It's a horrible helpless feeling and can cut to the core of us when we feel our significant other has been let down in some way.

Thank you for saying this. I have such guilt sometimes as the USC that it cripples me, and turns itself into resentment. My husband is very close to his family and many times, I feel like they hate me, although they have been nothing but kind and good to me. Whether there is resentment on their parts or not, I will never know. I am a talker, and feel that communication is imperative to resolution. I have tried to bring the issue of my feelings to the table-trying to explain myself. I have done this with his famil via e-mail a few times, and my sister in law seems to understand me well, but my MIL just avoided the subject. Maybe it was too difficult for her to talk about, but it only made my guilt worsen, as she is the type who will say nothing if she hasn't anything nice to say. It hurt me that she would not address this. I didn't tell my husband for months, as he had enough to think about... When I finally told my husband about it-he did not understand, and simply defended his mother. Sometimes, he cannot see things through my eyes.

I expected once my husband came here, my feeling would lessen-but that was only the tip of the iceberg. He misses his old home alot, and I cannot help him, which leads to exaccerbation of my guilt because I feel that without me, he would not have such heartache.

Sometimes, my guilt overcomes me.

Edited January 5, 2007 by MrsBruce5

[KarenCee 3]

It simply overwhelms me sometimes what Carlos "gave up" to come to the US that I find myself crying. Yes, we are together and yes, the opportunities are numberous here, but before we met he NEVER had any intention of leaving Colombia. There was no need to leave. He had the things that were important to him: family, friends, and a familiar country. In Colombia, as well as many other countries outside of the US, there seems to be a significant difference in familial closeness. In the US, we are often feel that we have to move away for college and then to a city for work. We often spend holidays like New Years boozing and with friends. But in Colombia, it is different. Kids stay with in the same vicinity as their family for easy access for dinners, parties and get-togethers. And, on New Years, family gets together and they celebrate toegether AS A FAMILY. It was culture shock this year when Carlos and I were talking about what to do for New Year's. When he told me that on New Year's, his family gets together at their own free will to eat, drink, sing, play the guitar, and make wishes on 12 grapes, and that Colombians do NOT spend $100 per person going out to bar only to not get any drinks bc it is too crowded, I was shocked. And, when he showed me a video last night of his family celebrating New Year's this year without him, I started to cry. These are the sacrifices on his part that overwhelm me to tears. However, there is another side. When Carlos saw me crying, he kissed me and asked me what was wrong. I managed to mumble something about him making a sacrifice. He looked at me and laughed, and then told me that it wasn't a sacrifice to finally be together. The point? He doesn't feel like he sacrificed anything.

I wish many happy years for all of you.

quote name='Lizzy' date='Dec 21 2006, 12:18 PM' post='630144']

What a fab post!! I emailed it to my hubby

OMG...this is almost mirror image the very words that Joel said to me. I've always been aware of the sacrifice he made in coming here. It was not because of a burning desire to live in the US...it was for me and one small little girl that he loves as his very own. There are times when he listens to the songs and music from home that I see in his eyes that he misses his home. Yet he says his home is wherever we are together. Many times have I held Joel close and cried softly at the huge change for him, even though he is from Canada. Many times he has held me and told me he made no sacrifice, for what sacrifice is there to be with your beloved every single day of your life? *sigh* I am a very very lucky woman.

[MichelleandCraig 1]

Culture shock is definitely a reality and an aspect that even if one is aware of, cannot actually always know what to expect or how to handle. It can be frightening to both because it seems as if there is something wrong, but it isn't always something tangible or conscious that can be described.

Mixed in with all of the immigrant's feelings can be that of what the American feels...a big part of that being guilt. Guilt because we can't seem to help....guilt because of what the other has given up for us....guilt because we think that either we or the life here has somehow disappointed our significant other....guilt because we think they would have been happier not coming here...guilt when they say, "I had to throw that away" or "I miss this or that". It's a horrible helpless feeling and can cut to the core of us when we feel our significant other has been let down in some way.

Thank you for saying this. I have such guilt sometimes as the USC that it cripples me, and turns itself into resentment. My husband is very close to his family and many times, I feel like they hate me, although they have been nothing but kind and good to me. Whether there is resentment on their parts or not, I will never know. I am a talker, and feel that communication is imperative to resolution. I have tried to bring the issue of my feelings to the table-trying to explain myself. I have done this with his famil via e-mail a few times, and my sister in law seems to understand me well, but my MIL just avoided the subject. Maybe it was too difficult for her to talk about, but it only made my guilt worsen, as she is the type who will say nothing if she hasn't anything nice to say. It hurt me that she would not address this. I didn't tell my husband for months, as he had enough to think about... When I finally told my husband about it-he did not understand, and simply defended his mother. Sometimes, he cannot see things through my eyes.

I expected once my husband came here, my feeling would lessen-but that was only the tip of the iceberg. He misses his old home alot, and I cannot help him, which leads to exaccerbation of my guilt because I feel that without me, he would not have such heartache.

Sometimes, my guilt overcomes me.

I hear you, OH I hear you.

Since many/most of you know the full story, don't worry...no, I'm not intending to 'start it again' on here. but I just had to add to this particular post. I still feel the guilt 2 years later...will be 2 years Craig arrived on the 18th of this month. He is still here, and wants to be here with Corey and I, but if it weren't for us, there is NOTHING in this world that would keep him here...he still misses England and his friends and family very much, and I only see more every day what a huge, huge thing it was for him to have done this for us. Alex is right, it IS *very* humbling to think about it. Some people expect that if an SO comes from Austrailia, Canada, the UK that things aren't going to be 'that much different' here, so they should adjust that much more quickly....not so. Friends, family, foods they are used to, and the general 'vibe' of a different place are still thousands of miles away...and it's hard. Sometimes there are streaks where it's hardly even thought of, and then several days in a row where something happens to reinforce the fact that they're far away from where they were. Something like asking innocently asking for "20" Marlboros and getting a look like ?? because they can't figure out (duh) that he just want's a PACK. One person (extremely duh moment, I admit!) actually started grabbing several packs off the shelf! he learned to say, a pack Anyway, yeah...it's tough, some days. I can't believe he did it...and I'm so grateful he did.

Thanks for your very, very thoughtful post (to the OP) it is defintely something to keep in mind at *all* times, and to you pj, and Mrs. Bruce as well....I feel that guilt on those bad days, BIGTIME. It gets better, little by little.

Take care, Michelle

[MrsBruce5 0]

Thanks Michelle-that makes a difference to me that I am not alone.

[Itsmeitsmeitsree! 0]

Michelle, Mrs. Bruce, and the rest...you are surely not alone. The guilt is sometimes more than I can bear. I am so humbled by what he did for me, for us, and try to treat him with the dignity and respect that his sacrifice deserves. But it's such a heavy weight to carry, this knowing that you are the reason that the person you love has such a burden. What do you do with that???

[pj1959us 0]

It is difficult to handle the guilt at times...normally guilt is from things we might have done in the past and deal with them as we may to go on...but in this situation it's dealing with an ongoing relationship so that guilt can come and go at any time, and feel as if it will never end. I don't know that it will.

Yes, I still feel pangs of enormous guilt even though David and his son came to the US in August 2004 to live. It has admittedly eased a bit, but it doesn't take much to feel the tendrils normally in the back of my mind rush to the front with a bang. It can be brought on by something small, like when David has a pang for a good ole' fish 'n chips (although it probably doesn't feel small to him ) to the times that loom very large, like when his Mum was having medical problems and now his Dad having medical problems. I think it's the family aspect that tends to bother me the most.

At those times, the guilt whacks me right in the gut and I feel tears to my very core. I've talked to David about it and he just hugs me and says that when he left England he felt he wouldn't see his parents again and was prepared for that. That he can't help missing some things, or family, at times...and it's perfectly normal (which it is, of course). That doesn't mean he's sorry that he came here to live with me...or to the US. Although he did definitely go through stages of absolutely hating it here...now he wouldn't change what he did for the world.

He has tried to alleviate my guilt, and he can now tell when I feel that way...it's difficult for him to understand my perspective...as difficult as it is for me to understand his. We both have opposite sides of the spectrum to feel so it's impossible for the other to truly grasp.

He just states it was *his* decision to come here...that I didn't force him. He wouldn't trade what we have for anything...that his life has been changed so much by moving here. Even with the bad times...he said there would still be bad times in England so what's the difference? He can handle missing England more than he could handle missing me. After all, we never know when someone will be taken from us or if the last time we see someone will really be the last time. When we eventually move to another state I would hardly ever see my family. He feels it's the same thing.

That, of course, makes my guilt worse! LOL Like we can all agree...how humbling is it that someone could feel that way about you? Yet, David doesn't feel he gave up anything...he only feels he gained everything. I can hear it in his voice and in what he says when I hear him on the phone with friends and family. Further, he feels that his son has much more opportunity here than he ever would have in England...and seeing how Chris has blossomed since his arrival, that could be true.

I guess I can hold onto that...that somehow it is little ole me that made a big difference in someone's life...that I can rest assured that someone who would do such a thing has feelings so strong that nothing could tear them asunder...that maybe I should just feel lucky as all get out, instead of guilty, that someone could love me, and I him, so much that not only geographical locations, but anything else, just don't matter any more.

He is the type of man that doesn't waste much time over it...I make much more of it than he does, or ever has. After all that time missing him before we were together and knowing now that in the morning I will see him when I wake up...well, I am very lucky after all. As he says, how could I feel guilty over providing him with the happiness, love and comfort no one else ever could?

[deathbydalbhat 0]

My fiance and I are just beginning this process, and the culture shock issue is one which I have always tried to prepare him for. I lived most of my life in Hawaii, which has a very unique culture and of course is one of the most beautiful places on earth, as is my fiance's country (Nepal). I moved to NYC in 2000 for better job opportunities and for the first year experienced terrible culture shock. It really felt like I was moving to another country. When I arrived I had no job and no place to live and knew nobody, I was cold and sick and had none of my beloved 'da kine' Hawaiian food, expressions, attitudes, music, clothing, not to mention my family and friends and the beach and mountains... I even had to leave my sweet little parrot behind(how i cried!!) with a friend because I was staying in a hostel when I arrived... my first year I was more or less miserable despite finding a job and trying to figure out ways to move back to Hawaii. It took me a little over a year, more like 2 to where I finally found my 'spot' here and now feel like NYC(namely Queens, which has all of the diversity and Asian culture which I love about Hawaii) is home. So, I can empathize 110% with what my fiance will be going through when he comes here and hope I can help him through it. Like I say, he will have a lot more than I did when I moved to NYC - there is a big Nepali community here so he can speak Nepali and eat dal bhat tarkaari and rent Kollywood movies whenever he likes, he will have a place to live and most of all he will have me... And, money permitting, whenever he wants to go to Nepal on vacation he will find a willing partner, I love it (almost) as much as he does...