culture shock

[ajames79 0]

What a fantastic post! Thank you.

I was having a conversation with a friends mother just the other day and she said to me how lucky I was to have a husband (to be) that was moving all this way, changing his whole life, leaving his family, to be with me.

Although I knew this, it was very amazing to hear someone else remind me of this. I AM very lucky.

[ChristinaM 0]

Wise words, indeed.

I particularly liked this:

Many times, our new mate comes here to be with us possessing only their personal honor and the fervant hope of a successful marriage.

Even as a Brit landing in the US, there are enough subtle differences that I still feel out of place from time to time, nearly two years down the line.

Good luck to all incoming immigrants, and may they all have the love and support of someone like the OP.

[edsperfect 25]

Wise words, indeed.

I particularly liked this:

Many times, our new mate comes here to be with us possessing only their personal honor and the fervant hope of a successful marriage.

Even as a Brit landing in the US, there are enough subtle differences that I still feel out of place from time to time, nearly two years down the line.

Good luck to all incoming immigrants, and may they all have the love and support of someone like the OP.

A truly wonderful post! I am not moving anywhere but she is coming here in Feb. I have often thought that those that come have the strength and courage of the pioneers here in America. They traveled across deserts not knowing what was there, ran out of wate they died, got bit by a snake they died, broke a leg they died. Yet here, every week there are hundreds that are going to make the journey. It may not be as dangerous as in daysof old but certainly as scarey.

[edsperfect 25]

Wise words, indeed.

I particularly liked this:

Many times, our new mate comes here to be with us possessing only their personal honor and the fervant hope of a successful marriage.

Even as a Brit landing in the US, there are enough subtle differences that I still feel out of place from time to time, nearly two years down the line.

Good luck to all incoming immigrants, and may they all have the love and support of someone like the OP.

A truly wonderful post! I am not moving anywhere but she is coming here in Feb. I have often thought that those that come have the strength and courage of the pioneers here in America. They traveled across deserts not knowing what was there, ran out of wate they died, got bit by a snake they died, broke a leg they died. Yet here, every week there are hundreds that are going to make the journey. It may not be as dangerous as in daysof old but certainly as scarey.

I just wanted to add, as an American i have a hard time driving 40 miles wqithout airconditioning.

[kim&james 0]

What a lovely post!

We had actually discussed culture shock long before I moved here... even from a english speaking aliied country, it is the little differences that can get me down. After a year its not so bad but every so often I crave something from home.... or something frustrates me here, the banking system is horrible. I am not used to paying by cheques for even the day to day things... thats what the internet is for.

Adjusting to a new enviourment is a very hard step but an understanding husband/wife will help anyone through it. If worse comes to worse a quick visit home always helps. Its funny how just going back and seeing how much you have changed in such a short amount of time can make a person really appreciate the new life that they are building for themselves.

[Alex+R 0]

I liked this post.

We are already trying to prepare for this. I know I'll never experience what it's like to become an immigrant. Even though I'm willing to live in Brazil for awhile, I can't quite imagine doing it permanently. So even though I can't even imagine what my boyfriend is about to go through, and he tells me that all the time!, I hope that I can do all the things to help him out and adjust. Because I know it's hard for everyone, even tough people who act like they aren't freaked out.

Another culture shock element for some people from certain countries will be facing a lot of prejudice where they might not have before. For example, these days Spanish speakers get a lot of flack from the illegal immigrant debate, and I've seen a lot of increased prejudice toward "Mexicans" (which seems to mean anyone dark who speaks Spanish these days). I know my boyfriend is concerned about facing prejudice too because of his accent, when he is used to not experiencing any discrimination in Brazil.

Foreign SO's are giving up so much to be with us (Americans). It's truly amazing and completely humbling.

[Unimane 0]

Excellent post. I can actually sympathize with some of what my fiance will go through as a former Peace Corps Volunteer. Of course, my situation was different, I had a different set of support systems and a ready-made job to keep me busy (and my fiance will not have to live in a stick hut as I did), but the cultural shock is definitely pronounced. And I took my job willingly seeking a different culture to immerse myself, whereas Sandra is coming only for me, and I still had many nights wanting to hop on the next plane back home, bitching about every little thing about the local culture or taking long, aimless walks because I couldn't sit around and wallow in my sadness. I already worry about her sitting at home while I'm at work or how I can organize a support group for her, etc. It is definitely a trying time.

[Lija 0]

Unimane. . . I worried a lot about this with my Colombian wife. However, being from a smaller community (18,000) word got around quickly "there was a new Colombian in town". Within a few days, she had found several Colombian women, one from El Salvador, One from Venezuela and one other from Peru. They quickly "formed" a bi-monthly gathering where they gather and chatter and bring food and gossip. Although my wife is still in the process of learning English ("Hallo! What your name?") they speak only Spanish at these gatherings. They are a great support group for her and I am so glad they are there. The other women are all married to American men (and I suppose from time to time, we get raked over the coals!). However, you may want to just ask your wife what she likes doing? Unless you are from some tiny town in West Texas, there are undoubtedly groups there whose predominant language and culture is a mixture of Latinos. Also, there are several good cut-rate long distance phone companies available on the Internet (2 cents per minute to Colombia!) so she can talk to her family when she needs to. The primary thing, is just be very patient with her, even during those fleeting moments when you feel like you could wring her neck. Offer to help her find something, but don't push her. Believe me, she will find something to keep her occupied very quickly.

[Ephesia 0]

Lija, I want to thank you for starting this thread and being open about your wife's adjustment process to a starkly different environment and culture.

If I may, I would like to share an adjustment that I am still trying to make, and it shows itself especially keenly during big holiday seasons in America, e.g. Thanksgiving and Christmas.

In Singapore, I had a pretty strong family unit made up of three people - father, brother, and grandmother. There is no mother in this picture because she walked out on us when I was 9. We grew as a fuss-free family after this experience. Dad was not an emotionally available man until I went to college and started leaving little notes and letters for him. Dad and brother became my best friends. But we were hardly the emotionally expressive family. We were simply there for one another, and we never stirred up any drama. Most of the time, in fact, we'd go about our own lives but never lost touch.

Thanksgiving Day is not a recognized holiday in Singapore. Christmas is commercially celebrated, i.e. pretty lights downtown, lots of sales everywhere, and the common practice for most is to hit the clubs or pubs.

In my husband's family here, "traditions" for both holidays border on the slightly ridiculous. Every year I feel quite drained. There is more emotional hoopla than I care for, and I have to guard myself against getting jaded about this whole we-are-a-family-so-we-have-to-do-every-important-thing-together deal. In the last 4 year-end holidays that I've celebrated with them, there is always some major drama that got sparked by the tiniest of things, like an e-mail or phone call.

My husband looked at me last night and knew I was not happy. When he asked if I was okay, I simply replied: "I will be after Christmas Eve." I also told him this is the last year that I want to witness the same ####### that happens with clockwork regularity. If (and I know it will) the same things happen again next year, I am bowing out of the family "celebrations", and I will have no problem being honest about it with his family. He understood.

This sure sounds like a gloom-and-doom reply, and I apologize for the dampener during this happy holiday season. I grew up with a father who taught us over and over again that it is important not to make big mountains out of small lumps of dirt, and to be grateful for what we have and not whine about what we don't. My heart is aching for my family, even though I had returned for a brief visit for the first time in 1½ years just two months ago. And even though my dad passed away almost 5 years ago, I still deeply miss his brutally honest and drama-less presence in my life.

Happy holidays, everyone.

[Lija 0]

Ephesia-- First, let me comment on your spectacular English; it is absolutely phenomenal! Secondly, your comments pertaining to Christmas and the holidays, about them being commercial et al. Bingo! Most Americans are beginning to complain bitterly about this also. It is now becoming common knowledge that among U.S. retailers, the most popular song is, "What a Friend We Have in Jesus". If your mate is very supportive of you, go with that; start all new traditions of your very own; half American, half Singapore... I applaud you for speaking out so candidly! I wish you both the very best!

Lija

[Ephesia 0]

Hehe, thank you very much for your kind words, Lija. English is the first language in Singapore and every child has to get a passing grade in order to go to high school and college. My parents sent me to good schools. Many popular American and British programs are also broadcast in my homeland. I grew up watching Happy Days, Sesame Street, The Electric Company, Laverne & Shirley, etc. (yep, I'm a child of the 70s). My mom did one thing right in my young childhood - she never denied me books when I asked for them, so I developed a voracious reading habit quite early.

Update on the hoopla I had mentioned in my previous reply - it got nipped in the bud pretty quickly. We ended up having private family Christmas time with his mom and sister's family last night (yes, three days early). I was moody all day yesterday about this because it wasn't the first time we've had this arrangement. But I let it go by the time we left for his sister's home and the result exceeded my expectations. In fact, his mother's Christmas card to both of us made my eyes wet ... and I ended up feeling really foolish. Nevertheless, my husband and I agree that from next year onwards, Christmas will be a quiet and focused affair - nothing more, nothing less.

You were spot on about starting new traditions. We decided to break away from the norm this year. Instead of waking up at the crack of dawn and hauling our sleepy butts to his sister's on Christmas morning to watch our nieces tear through their pile of presents, we're going to stay home this year. We'll wake up whenever, and then just have a quiet morning with each other and our dog. I am also really looking forward to another new tradition which will take place tomorrow - we're going to spend Christmas with his dad by eating pizza and watching the Colts game on TV. LOL.

I wish you and your wife a wonderful Christmas. I am not one for political correctness, so bear with me when I say Jesus really is the only reason for this season. God bless you and your family.

[Lansbury 19]

one of the first things I did was extend our Satellite Package to get Fox Soccer Channel.

Yep that one is a must

[Chris-n-Veronica 0]

My Family seems to be filled with Drama Queens and Kings... I'm glad you brought this up.. As far as I can see,, Veronica's family isn't like that.. as far as I can tell..

So I will keep an eye on it.. Now if I can keep my Mom from ragging on and on about others...hhahahahaha Well I've boy-cotted family functions in the past because it becomes one big drama.. Thanks for the heads up... I didn't think of this...

Hehe, thank you very much for your kind words, Lija. English is the first language in Singapore and every child has to get a passing grade in order to go to high school and college. My parents sent me to good schools. Many popular American and British programs are also broadcast in my homeland. I grew up watching Happy Days, Sesame Street, The Electric Company, Laverne & Shirley, etc. (yep, I'm a child of the 70s). My mom did one thing right in my young childhood - she never denied me books when I asked for them, so I developed a voracious reading habit quite early.

Update on the hoopla I had mentioned in my previous reply - it got nipped in the bud pretty quickly. We ended up having private family Christmas time with his mom and sister's family last night (yes, three days early). I was moody all day yesterday about this because it wasn't the first time we've had this arrangement. But I let it go by the time we left for his sister's home and the result exceeded my expectations. In fact, his mother's Christmas card to both of us made my eyes wet ... and I ended up feeling really foolish. Nevertheless, my husband and I agree that from next year onwards, Christmas will be a quiet and focused affair - nothing more, nothing less.

You were spot on about starting new traditions. We decided to break away from the norm this year. Instead of waking up at the crack of dawn and hauling our sleepy butts to his sister's on Christmas morning to watch our nieces tear through their pile of presents, we're going to stay home this year. We'll wake up whenever, and then just have a quiet morning with each other and our dog. I am also really looking forward to another new tradition which will take place tomorrow - we're going to spend Christmas with his dad by eating pizza and watching the Colts game on TV. LOL.

I wish you and your wife a wonderful Christmas. I am not one for political correctness, so bear with me when I say Jesus really is the only reason for this season. God bless you and your family.

Edited December 24, 2006 by Chris-n-Veronica

[pj1959us 0]

Culture shock is definitely a reality and an aspect that even if one is aware of, cannot actually always know what to expect or how to handle. It can be frightening to both because it seems as if there is something wrong, but it isn't always something tangible or conscious that can be described.

Mixed in with all of the immigrant's feelings can be that of what the American feels...a big part of that being guilt. Guilt because we can't seem to help....guilt because of what the other has given up for us....guilt because we think that either we or the life here has somehow disappointed our significant other....guilt because we think they would have been happier not coming here...guilt when they say, "I had to throw that away" or "I miss this or that". It's a horrible helpless feeling and can cut to the core of us when we feel our significant other has been let down in some way.

It's very humbling to realize that someone gave up all they know, all they had, what they're familiar with, what they're comfortable with, just to be with us. How can one feel worthy enough for that? I think it important that the immigrant also is aware of the other's perspective and by communicating together that these frustrations felt by both can be minimized. Resentment by both can be easily maximized if care isn't taken and what each other is feeling isn't held as important to the other.

What was of a great help is an excerpt from a book and a section entitled Adaptation to Life in the USA. I don't know what book it is from, unfortunately, it was only this snippet that was posted. There is no specific timeline...everyone adjusts in their own way...and some never do. However, knowing those stages is helpful so that we can try to understand where the other is coming from, and feeling. It's true...sometimes there is nothing we can do but give a hug and a kiss.

Here is the excerpt:

1. The honeymoon period when all seems new and interesting. It is a very exciting time for all.

2. Period of weariness from the adaptation to a new environment. During this phase you start to understand, that you must work to adapt to a new life. You feel pressure, isolation, irritation, disorientation, and depression or apathy. You can start to eat and sleep too much. You can become upset over trifles. You, at times, feel ill.

3. Period of non-acceptance of the culture of the host country. In this period you suddenly feel animosity to the USA and are surprised, how Americans can live how they live. You begin to question why you have come to America.

4. New culture starts to make sense. You start to acquire new knowledge and skills. As you gain confidence, you become more sociable. You start to feel satisfaction that you begin to understand the American culture.

5. Adaptation to new the culture. There is a feeling of comfort. You begin to feel and seek interaction with the new cultural environment. You accept life and conditions of American culture and take pleasure in making the distinctions between your new culture and the old.

[Girona40 0]

Wise words, indeed.

I particularly liked this:

Many times, our new mate comes here to be with us possessing only their personal honor and the fervant hope of a successful marriage.

Even as a Brit landing in the US, there are enough subtle differences that I still feel out of place from time to time, nearly two years down the line.

Good luck to all incoming immigrants, and may they all have the love and support of someone like the OP.

As a Brit that came here five years ago, and worked for the US Federal Government for three years prior to that, I still find that there are differences.......... and they are often not so subtle! lol

I only commented to my daughter the other day how you would have thought things would be so much easier by now, but they are just as difficult, in some cases even more so. Spending 3 hours grocery shopping for Christmas had us, and the staff at our local supermarket, all totally confused! In the end we were all in fits of laughter, as the differences we really thought were well behind us, reared their heads once more. One lady who worked in the store was from Bosnia and she was laughing, along with us, saying how nice it was to see that other people were experiencing the same frustrations she was and how it was good to see that we could, at least, laugh about them.