culture shock

[Lija 0]

My wife is from Colombia. We went all through the gut-wrenching, nerve-wracking processes and stages of the K-1 visa etc., etc., etc. and, having read nearly all the information shared by others in these forums, my experience has shown me there is one area that has been sadly neglected, and that virtually none of the government forms nor processes deal with at all. This is Culture Shock.

Most of the time, we are so caught up in filling out forms, getting more passport photos taken, making sure all the forms are in order before we send them to the appropriate office, counting the days, all the writing, the expensive phone calls and all the agony of waiting and waiting. But then suddenly, his/her K-1 visa is granted and we buy the ticket from wherever our beloved one is to get here, and suddenly, they will be here in a matter of a few days. As with me, I was an absolute nervous wreck waiting for the plane to arrive in Denver. But finally, it did. Now, I thought, for the most part, we can get on with our lives as long as we are together.

However, an unforseen problem I did not count on, nor was even that aware of, arose. When my wife came here to be with me. . . forever. . . I did not think too much about what she was giving up for me; she left behind her grown children, her family, her food, her language, her home, her customs, her friends, her culture, her job. . . EVERYTHING that she ever was, all the things that made her the wonderful woman she is, was now over 4000 miles away on another continent. She suffered many weeks over this. Not every day, 24 hours a day, but frequently enough that it did worry me. Culture Shock can be severe enough to cause headaches, vomiting, diarrhea and other ailments caused from change in altitude, climate, food, language, customs, inability to communicate and so on. To top it off, her father was killed in an accident and she could not really leave the country to go to the funeral.

My point is, ladies or gentlemen, when your new spouse arrives in the U.S., please be prepared for Cultural Shock in him/her in some form or another, as it WILL occur. I would counsel EXTREME patience, kindness and understanding, even though he/she may seem terribly unreasonable, demanding or downright mean or even hateful at times. Do not give up!!. Listen to them, be there to help when they want or need it, leave them alone when they want to be alone. Our international relationships are NOT the storybook ones where the boy marries the girl next door and they raise a family all in the same Small Town, USA. In addition to the many problems that confront new marriages, we have taken on the additional burden of many new things, such as language difference, customs, and so on. It will bother them much more than you think.

Let your new mate go at their own speed; don't hurry them to learn English or cook like mom does or to study the state driver's manual to get a driver's license. . . let them work into these things on their own. It is REALLY tough on them because in most cases, it is an entire brand-new world to them. I have awakened many times on various nights to find my wife softly crying, missing her family. The sad part is, there is really nothing one can do to make this all "go away". I am there always with reassurances, hugs, a listening NON-JUDGEMENTAL EAR, and trying to ignore the sharp barbs of critisizm she slings at me at times from out of her pain. I have tried many times to put myself in her shoes, to imagine what it is like leaving behind EVERYTHING, and I simply cannot imagine it. Many times, our new mate comes here to be with us possessing only their personal honor and the fervant hope of a successful marriage.

Please don't ever give up on them; tell them you love them all the time even when they may not be lovable. Be free with hugs and compliments. Do little things for them that readily show them that you really do care. Then, when the days for them begin to change and they grow more comfortable with you, your kindness, loving attention and endless patience will pay off in big dividends.

I wish for all of you the very best in this adventure we all have embarked upon!

[PachucoBro 3]

GREAT POST!

I tell you... when my wife got here MAN what an experience. We soon found out that it was not just us. She has some other firends who have been living here in the states before her and they too had stories of BIG fights and one even made it all the way to the airport with tickets in hand to go back to Colombia.

BUT they all found their way through it and are comfortable in their relationships. As my wife and I continue to try and accomplish. It is NOT perfect by any means and alot of it is my fault for being quick tempered, but I know I love her and I know she loves me and together we will get through the hard times.

If any of your wives/finacees need some fellow Colombianas to talk to, message me for her email address.

Edited December 21, 2006 by PachucoBro

[Boiler 45,551]

Perhaps I should send this on to the Missus.

But having arived on a K1 at DIA myself:

1 Not all of us had our ticket bought for us! Missed that one.

2. I am guessing that many here are familiar with where they are going by prior visits, but holidays are not the same as living somewhere.

3. The Drivers License test thing amused me, that is certainly an area that worried me, I knew that US do not take the test seriously, but until I experianced it I could not be certain.

4. I have a few friends who are/speak English, and of course I was familar with many Amercanisms, but still find new ones, 'Period' was the latest.... I was lucky enough to be able to carry on my main Sport, and that is always a good way of expanding your circle.

5. Food, well I miss the variety, I am guessing there must be similarities between Colombian and Mexican food and there is no shortage of the latter, but yet to find a decent Indian. I remember going into a P F Chang, my first visit to a Chinese restauarant, OK pseudo, where the staff was not totally Chinese. But to be fair there are good Vietnamese and Thai near me.

And being mistaken for an Australian can get very boring. Still do not get that one.

The Internet helped, and one of the first things I did was extend our Satellite Package to get Fox Soccer Channel.

[Mr and Mrs Bird 0]

I appreciate your words very highly because of the facts I have never think about.

I am just now in this waiting time so blind of love to my fiance and can only think about being with him forever.

I am from Denmark and for sure another culture here. 12000 km away from him.

So I know for sure that there will be a time where everything will be very much up to him to oversight because of a big culture shock I maybe will get.

We have known eachother for 3 years and 1 year is gone now since we were together in real life.

So many complications to get this visa.

But within the coming 6 weeks we will get a decision and can start plan our new life.

Sweetie

[Mr and Mrs Bird 0]

Will thank you everyday for this topic

Sweetie

[Ladylethal 12]

Great post! I'm from Brazil and moved to Puerto Rico. I know PR is closer to Brazil culture wise than the US, but my biggest issue here is that I am fluent in English, but not in Spanish, so I had the language shock anyway. In that sense even if PR and BR are closer in culture, it'd been easier if I was live in US. I had bad bad days, felt selfish, abandoned, etc. Cried, screamed, but luckily my husband was there for me all the times, and even though he might not have understood me at first, once I told him why I was crying, screaming, he felt really sad that he couldn't help me more than by just hugging me, holding me.

Sometimes when he sees some sadness in my eyes he's the one that says "It must be really tough, but we'll get through together".

[Mrs.J06 4]

Wonderful post!

Your wife is a very lucky woman and I'm sure she will eventually realize that and appreciate you!

All the best for your life together!

Carla

[Kathryn41 3,205]

Thank you for a wonderful post. As a Canadian, I did not expect to suffer culture shock, but even for me there was a time of adjustment where everything felt 'out of step' with what I had known. Being here on a visit is totally different than living here. Visiting you still have all of your ties and 'identity' back home; there is no way to describe what it feels like to leave everything that you have ever known behind and really start over anew, dependent upon another person for everything you have and do. Superficially, I adjusted quickly, but emotionally, it took a lot longer than I had expected and even a year after I was year I still found myself 'mourning' for what I had left behind. There was no regret and I love being here with my husband. I even love living in Georgia, but still, there was a loss and I had to deal with it. I can only begin to imagine what it would be like coming from a country that does not share a language or many of the same cultural experiences with the US! I have the greatest admiration for those men and women who make that choice; even when it means coming to live with the person you love, it is still a very courageous choice. I agree with the other posters - your wife is a very fortunate woman to have you here for her. I hope she finds her comfort level soon.

Edited December 21, 2006 by Kathryn41

[Jasman0717 9]

This is a really good post! I hope everyone will have a chance to read it!

[Girona40 0]

A very understanding post.

The sad thing is that sometimes the immigrant partner just can't cope with the "shock".

It is far greater than many of our partners ever realise.

Edited December 21, 2006 by Girona40

[SoL. 0]

Thanks for such a great post, I also hope more people read and learn from it. It's wonderful to know that there are good people like you that can understand situations like this, not everybody can deal with such a thing. It's not easy to just "disconnect" from everything you know all your life and left behind.

My best wishes for you both.

[tom&tata 2]

It is a great post

For us, there was 1 comment made by an outsider - a DMV lady who did my drive test - that she admired me for being a strong person for moving here, leaving everything behind, to be with my husband.

That comment was a nice reminder for both of us.

Btw, I think she gave me passing mark because of that rather than my driving capability because I was so nervous that I almost turn right on red when there was a sign marked No Turn on Red.

[KarenCee 3]

Thank you for a wonderful post. As a Canadian, I did not expect to suffer culture shock, but even for me there was a time of adjustment where everything felt 'out of step' with what I had known. Being here on a visit is totally different than living here. Visiting you still have all of your ties and 'identity' back home; there is no way to describe what it feels like to leave everything that you have ever known behind and really start over anew, dependent upon another person for everything you have and do. Superficially, I adjusted quickly, but emotionally, it took a lot longer than I had expected and even a year after I was year I still found myself 'mourning' for what I had left behind. There was no regret and I love being here with my husband. I even love living in Georgia, but still, there was a loss and I had to deal with it. I can only begin to imagine what it would be like coming from a country that does not share a language or many of the same cultural experiences with the US! I have the greatest admiration for those men and women who make that choice; even when it means coming to live with the person you love, it is still a very courageous choice. I agree with the other posters - your wife is a very fortunate woman to have you here for her. I hope she finds her comfort level soon.

Joel loves living in Georgia too, as this area isn't much different as home in the scenery dept. He doesn't regret moving here, although I do wonder how I am going to handle it when I eventually emigrate to Canada. We talked about this subject at length several times during our time apart. What amazed me...and still does...is that he gave up everything familiar, all his family and friends, job, etc. to move 2600+ miles away, to a new country for his lady and her daughter (who is now his daughter). Now that's love.

[newoption 1]

Great post, is just like listening to my husband.

Is true that the "adjustment" period is not easy for BOTH parts, which includes more than just language, customs, food, etc,.

Personally, when I decided to follow my sweetheart, I knew that my life was going to have a 180° change (Coming from Mexico, have not traveled long distances and basic english), but the worst part for me was while waiting for my 6 y/o son. There were times that I almost gave up, but as always, there was my husband to support me and TOGETHER find a way with LOVE, UNDERSTANDING AND PATIENCE to succeed every single day.

Now, we are happily together. My son is so lucky to have a father like him and me, what to say? He is the love of my life.

New

pd. Wishing to all of you a wonderful season, safe holidays and the best for the year coming!!! :energetic:

[Lizzy 0]

What a fab post!! I emailed it to my hubby