Need A Laugh

[Marilyn. 340]

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at this moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed.

Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at the age of 93.

The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.

They put his left leg in.

And then the trouble started.

[Jamaica to CT 0]

too funny!!

BTW- I love your avatar MarilynP (man dancing in boxers)

Thanks for the laughs I certainly needed it.

[iceyspots 0]

[samir_shannon 0]

[Marilyn. 340]

[Mandi+Ryan 1]

That's all!?!?! This is a great thread, keep it alive!

Got one for ya!

There was this fly flying along, 6 inches above a lake. This fish says, “if that fly will drop down 6 inches I can jump up and get it.”

There was this bird flying along, and it says “if that fly will drop 6 inches, that fish will jump up and get it and I can swoop down and get the fish.”

So, there was this hunter sitting there eating a sandwich, and he said “if that fly would drop down 6 inches, the fish will jump up and get it, and the bird will swoop down and get the fish, and I can jump up and shoot the bird.”

There was a mouse on the ground, and he said “if that fly will drop down 6 inches, the fish will jump up and get it, and the bird will swoop down to get the fish, and the hunter will jump up to shoot the bird and drop his sandwich, and I will run over there and get me a piece of it.”

So, there was this cat sitting in the tree, and she said “if that fly will drop down about 6 inches, the fish will jump up and get it, and the bird will swoop down to get the fish, and the hunter will jump up to shoot the bird and drop his sandwich, and the mouse will run over to get some of it, and I can get the mouse.”

About that time, the fly dropped 6 inches, the fish jumped up to get it, the bird swooped down to get the fish, the hunter jumped up to shoot the bird and dropped his sandwich, the mouse ran over to get some, and the cat jumped from the tree but missed the mouse and went into the water.

Do you know the moral of this story?

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Every time a fly drops 6 inches, a p@ssy gets wet.

[Marilyn. 340]

THIS MAY SAVE A LIFE!

The National Highway Safety Council has done extensive testing on a newly designed seat belt. Results

show that accident can be reduced by as much as 45% when the belt is properly installed. Correct installation

is illustrated below.

[Ban Hammer 13,336]

THIS MAY SAVE A LIFE!

The National Highway Safety Council has done extensive testing on a newly designed seat belt. Results

show that accident can be reduced by as much as 45% when the belt is properly installed. Correct installation

is illustrated below.

[Marilyn. 340]

The Value of a Drink

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think

about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

~ Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~ ~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "

~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol m a y create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."

~ Henny Youngman

WARNIN G: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

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"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."

~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

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"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.

When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"

~ Brian O'Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

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"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."

~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

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"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."

~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To some, it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!

~Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.

One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

[Marilyn. 340]

I dialed a number and got the following recording:

"I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."

~~~~~

As pilots training back in the Air Corps they taught us, "Always try to keep the number of landings you make

equal to the number of take offs you make."

~~~~~

Little Tommy had been to a birthday party at a friend's house. Knowing his sweet tooth, Tommy's mother looked straight into his eyes and said, "I hope you didn't ask for a second piece of cake."

"No, but I asked Mrs. Smith for the recipe so you could make some like it, and she gave me two more pieces without asking."

~~~~~

Aspire to inspire before you expire.

~~~~~

My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.

~~~~~

As my five year old son and I were headed to McDonald's one day, we passed a car accident. Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, "We should pray."

From the back seat I heard his earnest request: "Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."

~~~~~

Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.

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Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting.

~~~~~

The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere.

~~~~~

God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.

~~~~~

I was always taught to respect my elders,but it keeps getting harder to find one.

~~~~~

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

[Marilyn. 340]

Don't take life too seriously...

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

2. A day without sunshine is like...night.

3. On the other hand, you have different fingers

4. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

6. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

7. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

8. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

9. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

10. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

11. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

12. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

13. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

14. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

15. OK, . . . . so what's the speed of dark?

16. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

18. Every one has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

19. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

20. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

21. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

23. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

24. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.

25. Just remember - if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

26. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

27. Life isn't like a box of chocolates.... it's more like a jar of jalapeno's. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

*******************************************************

Jokes to make you groan...

A hunter walking through the jungle found a huge dead dinasaur with a pigmy standing beside it. amazed he asked, did you kill that ?

The pigmy replied, "yes".

The hunter asked, "how could a little fella like you kill such a huge beast like that ?"

Said the pigmy, "I killed it with my club."

The astonished hunter asked, "how big is your club ?"

The pigmy replied, "theres about 90 of us."

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I met a dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week. phoned her up to arrange a date, but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

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Dyslexic man walks into a bra...

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I walked into tesco and saw a man and woman wrapped in barcode, I asked, are you two an item?

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So i went to this chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says, "your eyes sparkle like diamonds."

I said, waiter, "I asked for aromatic duck."

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Edited September 3, 2006 by MarilynP

[Marilyn. 340]

This SHOULD RATTLE YOUR BRAINS A LITTLE

If you ever feel stupid, then just read on.

If you've learned to speak fluent English, you must be a genius!!

This little treatise on the lovely language we share is only for the brave.

Pursue at your leisure, English lovers.

Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11)! The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail

18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France (Surprise!).

Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

Quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guineaor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?

One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? Is it an odd, or an end?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?

Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?

Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

P.S. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"?

[Marilyn. 340]

Betty was having trouble with her computer.

So Betty called Harold the computer guy to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave Betty a bill for a minimum service call.

As he was walking away, Betty called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

Betty didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T error?What's that .. in case I need to fix it again?"

Harold grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No," Betty replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So Betty wrote down I D 1 0 T

Betty used to like Harold.

[Ban Hammer 13,336]

Betty was having trouble with her computer.

So Betty called Harold the computer guy to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave Betty a bill for a minimum service call.

As he was walking away, Betty called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

Betty didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T error?What's that .. in case I need to fix it again?"

Harold grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No," Betty replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So Betty wrote down I D 1 0 T

Betty used to like Harold.

or just tell them it's PEBKAC

problem exists between keyboard and chair

[anya-D 8]

While in China, an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time.A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his ####### covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately sees a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before,orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've got bad news for you --- you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it."

The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc."

The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your #######."

The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion."

The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want but surgery is your only choice."

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.The Chinese doctor examines his ####### and

proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease."

The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my #######!"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate.Make more money that way. No need to opelate!"

"Oh, Thank God!" the man replies.

"Yes," says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks. Faw off by itself!"