Need A Laugh

[Marilyn. 340]

A tourist is picked up by a cabbie in New York City on a dark night. The passenger lightly taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, drives up on the sidewalk and stops inches away from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look friend, don't EVER do that again. You scared the living daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologizes & says he didn't realize that a little tap on the shoulder could scare him so much.

The driver, after gathering himself together, replied. "Sorry, it's not really your fault." "Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving hearses for the last 25 years!"

[Marilyn. 340]

A priest and a pastor from the local churches are standing by the side of the road, pounding a sign into the ground, which reads "The End is Near! Turn Yourself Around Now Before It's Too Late!"

"Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" yelled a driver as he sped past.

From the curve ahead, they heard screeching tires and a big splash.

The pastor turns to the priest and asks, "Do you think the sign should just say 'Bridge Out'?"

[SamRod 0]

#11 -- I dont remember anything...

(Does this mean Im no liar?)

[Marilyn. 340]

A man scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive woman

standing alone. He approached her and asked her name.

"My name is Carmen," she told him.

"That's a beautiful name," he said. "Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I ike most - cars and men."

"What's your name?" she asked.

"Beert!ts," he said.

[Marilyn. 340]

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady

standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air

and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her

complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and

states that she wants to file a sexual harassment grievance

against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision

and asks, what's sexually threatening about a co-worker

telling you your hair smell nice?"

The woman replies, "Its Keith, the midget."

[almaty 19]

[Sister Fracas 5]

Marilyn!!! I'm SHOCKED!

Missed ya girlio!

[bucknekkid 0]

My favorite to write on the chalkboard above the urinals...

If brevity is the soul of wit, your ####### must be a riot.....

Edited April 25, 2006 by bucknekkid

[crashandcari 0]

OMG Marilyn's got a new avatar... PMSL

[Indo_mommy 0]

[Marilyn. 340]

The following are all replies that Dallas,TX, women

have written on Child Support Agency forms in the

section for listing "father's details". Or putting it

another way... Who's yo Daddy? These are genuine

excerpts from the forms. Be sure to check out number

11. It takes 1st prize and #3 is runner up.

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins,

child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure

as to the identity of the father of child B, but I

believe that he was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of

my child as I was being sick out of a window when

taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you

with a list of names of men that I think were at the

party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my

little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600

Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I

met that night. I do remember that the sex was so

good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down

the father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my

daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by

my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you

can contact BMW service stations in this area and see

if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a

Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope

confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate and

that he is the Saver risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as

he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and

that would have cataclysmic implications for the

economy. I am torn between doing right by you and

right by the country. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as

all blacks look the same to me.

8. Peter Smith Is the father of child A. If you do

catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my

AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same

time ... well, I don't have clue.

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was

conceived at Disney World; maybe it really is the

Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only

thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a

program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had

stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the

party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained

unfertilized.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of

my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans

you can't be sure which one made you fart.

[Marilyn. 340]

Gardeners Tip

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentleman, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"

The gentleman responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

Well, the woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"

"No" she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

[almaty 19]

[Marilyn. 340]

John went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink "come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"A hundred dollars per visit."

"I'll sleep on it," said John. Six months later the doctor met John on the street.

"Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

"For a hundred bucks a visit? I went on one of those "Dude Ranch" vacations and an old cowboy cured me for the price of a bottle of whiskey."

"Is that so! How?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!!!

[Marilyn. 340]

Actual call centre conversations !!!!!

Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?".

Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".

Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".

Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Samsung Electronics....

Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"

Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".

Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"

Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".

----------------------------------------------------------------------

RAC Motoring Services.....

Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling inAustralia ?"

Operator: "Doesn't the product give you a clue?"

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Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France:

"If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"

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Directory Enquiries.....

Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please".

Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"

Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off".

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Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven....

Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"

Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland.

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On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: "I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on".

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Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".

Customer: "OK".

Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?".

Customer: "No".

Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No".

Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?".

Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"

Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?".

---------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------

There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause".

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"

Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

Operator: "What sort of trouble??"

Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

Operator: "Went away?"

Caller: "They disappeared."

Operator: "Hmm So what does your screen look like now?"

Caller: "Nothing."

Operator: "Nothing??"

Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"

Caller: "How do I tell?"

Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"

Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"

Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"

Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"

Caller: "What's a monitor?"

Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"

Caller: "I don't know."

Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"

Caller: "Yes, I think so."

Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.

Caller: "Yes, it is."

Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"

Caller: "No."

Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

Caller: "Okay, here it is."

Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

Caller: "I can't reach."

Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"

Caller: "No."

Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"

Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."

Operator: "Dark??"

Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.

Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."

Caller: "I can't."

Operator: "No? Why not??"

Caller: "Because there's a power failure."

Operator: "A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"

Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"

Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."

Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"

Operator: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!!!!!"