Need A Laugh

[Peggy 1]

I like the hillybilly overhalls

[Tobester 0]

dan quayle a 1st class chopf##k

Almaty, are you by any chance related to Kadaitcha Man?

[Marilyn. 340]

Rules to Live By

===========

Sometimes we need to remember WHAT the Rules of life really are.

1. Never give yourself a haircut after three alcoholic beverages

of any kind.

2. You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape.

If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40.

If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.

3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital

relationship are "I apologize" and "You are right".

4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately.

It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.

6. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you

was: "Go! You might meet somebody!"

7. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her – believe them.

8. Learn to pick your battles. Ask yourself,

“Will this matter one year from now?”

How about one month?

One week?

One day?

9. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.

10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations!

You have another chance!

11. Living well really is the best revenge.

Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just

might mean that the other person was right about you.

12. Work is good, but it's not that important.

13. And finally, be really nice to your friends and family.

You never know when you are going to need them to empty your

bedpan.

[almaty 19]

dan quayle a 1st class chopf##k

Almaty, are you by any chance related to Kadaitcha Man?

no, he stoled by line though..

[Marilyn. 340]

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her tiny breasts. Dr. Smith advised her, "Every day after your shower rub your chest and say, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."

She did this faithfully for several months and it worked! She grew terrific D-cup boobs! One morning she was running late, got on the bus and in a panic realised she had forgotten her morning ritual.

Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."

A guy sitting nearby looked at her, "By any chance, are you a patient of Dr. Smith's?"

"Why, yes I am... How did you know?"

He leaned closer, winked and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock..."

[bettenan 1]

My wife left me...

> >

> >I don't understand. After the last child was born, she told me we had to

> >cut back on expenses

> >and I had to give up drinking beer. I was not a big drinker, maybe a 12

> >pack on weekends.

> >

> >Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed the other day, when she came home from

> >grocery shopping,

> >I looked at the receipt and saw $45 in makeup. I said, "Wait a minute

I've

> >given up beer

> >and you haven't given up anything!"

> >

> >She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you."

> >

> >I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!"

> >

>

[Marilyn. 340]

These are funny

When Smashing a Pinata Goes Bad

Karate Bloopers

[almaty 19]

funny as always marilyn....brighten my day

[Marilyn. 340]

funny as always marilyn....brighten my day

did you see the Scooby doo joke?

[almaty 19]

funny as always marilyn....brighten my day

did you see the Scooby doo joke?

i like that...i am googling this second for that doctor...

[Marilyn. 340]

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:

Man: What's the problem officer?

Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.

Man: No sir, I was going 65.

Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.

Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!

Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.

Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.

Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.

Man: Shut your mouth, woman!

Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?

Wife: No, only when he's drunk.

[blackbettie 0]

THE YEAR'S BEST (actual) HEADLINES OF 2005 :

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

(No, really?)

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

(Now that's taking things a bit far!)

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

(No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-sos!)

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

(See if that works any better than a fair trial!)

War Dims Hope for Peace

(I can see where it might have that effect!)

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

(You think?)

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

(Who would have thought!)

Enfield Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

(They may be on to something!)

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

(You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?)

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

(he probably IS the battery charge!)

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

(Weren't they fat enough?!)

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

(That's what he gets for eating those beans!)

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

(Taste like chicken?)

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

(Chainsaw Massacre all over again!)

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

(Boy, are they tall!)

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

[Marilyn. 340]

SIGNS OF THE TIMES

Sign over a gynaecologist's office:

"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

In a podiatrist's office:

"Time wounds all heels."

On a septic tank truck in Oregon:

"Yesterday's Meals on Wheels"

On another septic tank truck:

"We're #1 in the #2 business"

On a proctologist's door:

"To expedite your visit, please back in."

On a plumber's truck:

"We repair what your husband fixed."

On another plumber's truck:

"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

On a church's billboard:

"Seven days without God makes one weak."

At a tire shop in Milwaukee:

"Invite us to your next blowout."

On a plastic surgeon's office door:

"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

At a towing company:

"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

On an electrician's truck:

"Let us remove your shorts."

In a nonsmoking area:

"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a maternity room door:

"Push. Push. Push."

At an optometrist's office:

"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a taxidermist's window:

"We really know our stuff."

On a fence:

"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"

At a car dealership:

"The best way to get back on your feet: Miss a car payment."

Outside a muffler shop:

"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a veterinarian's waiting room:

"Be back in five minutes. Sit! Stay!"

At the electric company:

"We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."

In a restaurant window:

"Don't stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up."

In the front yard of a funeral home:

"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

At a propane filling station:

"Thank heaven for little grills."

Sign at a Chicago radiator shop:

"Best place in town to take a leak."

[Dixie_Peach 1]

[Marilyn. 340]

Crazy with Confusion

A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a patient, "How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness?" He got the following reply.

"Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it. I married a widow with a grown daughter who then became my stepdaughter.

My dad came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter, then married her. And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother. Soon, my wife had a son who was, of course, my daddy's brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my daddy's wife.

So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my daddy, she was at once my stepmother! Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became my uncle. As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since she is my stepmother's mother. Don't forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter. Remember, too, that I am my wife's grandson.

But hold on just a few minutes more. You see, since I'm married to my step-grandmother, I am not only the wife's grandson and her hubby, but I am also my own grandfather. Now can you understand how I got put in this place?"

After staring blanky with a dizzy look on his face, the psychiatrist replied: "Move over!"