Need A Laugh

[blackbettie 0]

Actual letter written by a kid in a plane.

[Marilyn. 340]

2006 New Employee Rules & Regulation

It is advised that you come to work dressed accordingly to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore do not need a raise.

Sick Days

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

Toilet Use

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of the three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders Category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy!

Lunch Break

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

Edited February 28, 2006 by MarilynP

[Marilyn. 340]

Things To Ponder

1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "implants?" She hit me.

4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.

5. Sign in a Chinese pet store: "Buy one dog, get one flea....."

6. I live in my own little world. But it's okay. They know me here.

7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

10. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

11. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.

12. Every day I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I have stayed alive.

13. How come they choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

14. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

15. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

16. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

17. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mum's wise words: Don't pick that up,

you don't know where it's been.

18. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail... but a true friend will be sitting next to you saying,

"Damn, that was fun!"

19. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing.

If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

20. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping", now I just "chunky dunk".

21. The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is eating them.

22. Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

23. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

24. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realise you haven't fallen asleep yet.

25. My wife says I never listen to her (at least I think that's what she said).

26. Just remember ... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

27. If raising children were going to be easy, it never would have started with something called LABOUR.

28. Wouldn't you know it ... brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live for ever.

[pri 0]

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom on the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said, 'That's once.'

We proceeded a little further and the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.' Hadn't gone a half- mile when the mule stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her pocket and shot the mule dead.

I started to yell at her for her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said, 'That's once."

[almaty 19]

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom on the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said, 'That's once.'

We proceeded a little further and the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.' Hadn't gone a half- mile when the mule stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her pocket and shot the mule dead.

I started to yell at her for her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said, 'That's once."

poor burro

[Miranda&James 8]

here are a couple more favs

[Dixie_Peach 1]

Grandma's Boyfriend

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.

Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was

dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't

have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?" Grandma

replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my

bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs

make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy

with my TV as my boyfriend." Grandma turned on the TV, and

the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs,

trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started

hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to

open the door, and there stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said, "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin'

her boyfriend." The minister fainted.

NEVER CHOKE IN A RESTAURANT IN THE SOUTH

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. After ordering their cornbread

and beans, they talk about the latest addition to their junkyard business.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to

cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real

distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya swallar?" The woman

shakes her head no.

"Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress,

yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his

tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction

flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly

walks slowly back to the bar.

His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver',

but I ain't never seed nobody do it

[Marilyn. 340]

The following are real statements found on insurance claim forms. Drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident succinctly.

1. Coming home, I drove into wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

2. I thought my window was down, but found it was up when I put my head through it.

3. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.

4. The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

5. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

6. In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

7. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision, and I did not see the other car.

8. The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck the front end.

9. I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in the ditch by some stray cows.

10. The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

11. I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

12. I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

13. As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

14. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

15. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

16. I told the police that I was not injured, but upon removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.

17. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the curb when I struck him.

18. The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.

[Marilyn. 340]

____________________________________________________________________

Edited March 2, 2006 by MarilynP

[germangel 0]

The following are real statements found on insurance claim forms. Drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident succinctly.

1. Coming home, I drove into wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

2. I thought my window was down, but found it was up when I put my head through it.

3. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.

4. The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

5. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

6. In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

7. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision, and I did not see the other car.

8. The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck the front end.

9. I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in the ditch by some stray cows.

10. The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

11. I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

12. I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

13. As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

14. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

15. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

16. I told the police that I was not injured, but upon removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.

17. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the curb when I struck him.

18. The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.

I read some of these in the newspaper:

- a frozen squirrel fell from a tree on my windshield and broke it (frozen how?)

- a group of cows licked on my car for so long that the paint went off (was it a green car?)

[Marilyn. 340]

How to clean your house using your computer:

1. Open a new file in you computer

2. Name it "Housework"

3. Send it to the Recycle Bin

4. Empty the Recycle Bin

5. PC will ask "Are you sure you want to delete housework permanently?

6. Answer calmly......."YES" and press mouse button firmly

7. ALL DONE...........Don't you feel better now?

[Dixie_Peach 1]

[Marilyn. 340]

You'll feel smarter after you read these quotes....

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: 'I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

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"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff," --Mariah Carey

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"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

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"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

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"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

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"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president," --Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

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"That low-down scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," --A congressional candidate in Texas.

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"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." --John Wayne

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"Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

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"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."--Al Gore, Vice President

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"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle

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" It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another" --George Bush, US President

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"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" --Lee Iacocca

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"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version," --Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.

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"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein," --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

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"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

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"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Bill Clinton, President

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"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." --Al Gore, VP

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"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." --Keppel Enderbery

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"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

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"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

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...Feeling smarter yet?

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his boots?

He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on.

When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet."

She looked and sure enough, they were.

It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on.

She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on -- this time on the right feet.

He then announced, "These aren't my boots."

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to.

Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off.

He then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them."

She didn't know if she should laugh or cry.

She mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

She said, "Now, where are your mittens?"

He said, "I stuffed them in the toes of my boots..."

Her trial starts next week.

Edited March 2, 2006 by MarilynP

[Dixie_Peach 1]

[almaty 19]

dan quayle a 1st class chopf##k