Need A Laugh

[Bootylicious!! 2]

[Marilyn. 340]

[Marilyn. 340]

[Marilyn. 340]

[Marilyn. 340]

These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods:

On Sears hairdryer:

Do not use while sleeping.

(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos:

You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

(The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap:

Directions: Use like regular soap.

(and that would be how?)

On some Swann frozen dinners:

Serving suggestion: Defrost.

(But it's 'just' a suggestion!)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)

Do not turn upside down.

(Too late! you lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:

Product will be hot after heating.

(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:

Do not iron clothes on body.

(But wouldn't that save more time?)

(Whose body?)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine:

Do not drive car or operate machinery.

(We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid:

Warning: may cause drowsiness.

(One would hope!)

On a Korean kitchen knife:

Warning: keep out of children.

(hmm...something must have gotten lost in the translation...)

On a string of Christmas lights:

For indoor or outdoor use only.

(As opposed to use in outer space.)

On a food processor:

Not to be used for the other use.

(Now I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts:

Warning: contains nuts.

(but no peas?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:

Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

(somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)

On a Swedish chainsaw:

Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

(Raise your hand if you've tried this..)

On a child's Superman costume:

Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.

(Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)

[Marilyn. 340]

We have all known a Mildred.

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house...walked home...and left it there all night.

You gotta love George

[Welshcookie 17]

[Marilyn. 340]

[Marilyn. 340]

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

1. Good: Your wife is pregnant.

Bad: It's triplets.

Ugly: You had a vasectomy 5 years ago.

2. Good: Your wife is not talking to you.

Bad: She wants a divorce.

Ugly: She is a Lawyer.

3. Good: Your son is finally maturing.

Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.

Ugly: So are you.

4. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.

Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.

Ugly: You're in them.

5. Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.

Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.

Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.

6. Good: Your husband understands fashion.

Bad: He's a cross-dresser.

Ugly: He looks better than you.

7. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.

Bad: She keeps interrupting.

Ugly: With corrections.

8. Good: The postman's early.

Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a gun.

Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.

9. Good: Your son is dating someone new.

Bad: It's another man.

Ugly: He's your best friend.

10. Good: Your daughter got a new job.

Bad: As a hooker.

Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients.

Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do!

[Miranda&James 8]

This is gonna be me!!

[almaty 19]

these are great...

[Peggy 1]

Too funny

[Marilyn. 340]

Here kitty, kitty!

To anyone who has a cat I am sure they can sympathize with this poor guy.

To the rest of us, what a hilarious laugh!!!! Anyone who has a cat can relate to this.

We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse,

I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth

was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head

injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned,

I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head.

The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute

little kitty. Initially,the new acquisition was no problem.

Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard

my wife, Deb, called out to me from the kitchen. "Honey! The garbage disposal

is dead again. Please come reset it."

You know where the button is" I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam.

"Reset it yourself!"

"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" There was

a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."

So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity

would make a statement about how I perceived her behaviour as extremely

cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink

to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning,

and without any respect to my circumstances.

No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was

our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects hanging between

my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached

under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at

the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.

I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising

at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of kitten hanging from my

masculine region. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome.

Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this

from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and

cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me

out cold. When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there

are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen

floor buck naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics.

Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all

snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress

their hysterical laughter...... and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all.

A few days later I finally made it back into the office, where colleagues tried

to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent,

claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.

"What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"

If they only knew!

Why is it that only women (& cats) seem to laugh at this?

[Marilyn. 340]

The Kern County, California, Sheriff's Department orders plain white

patrol units and has the graphics applied locally. In this case: What they

ordered was not quite what they got. This car was driven for 1 week

before an officer noticed what the graphics company employee did on the

passenger side of the car. The employee did this on his last day working for the

graphics company before he retired.

[Miranda&James 8]

ok, some of my funny pics.

Edited February 27, 2006 by James_and_Miranda