Need A Laugh

[pri 0]

[Marilyn. 340]

I used to work in a prison and I got these next 2 jokes from one of the gaurds

________________________________________

Three boys were bragging about thier dad's....

The first boy says, "My dad is so fast that when he shoots an arrow with his bow, he runs and moves the target before the arrow hits it."

The second boy says, "My dad is so fast that when he shoots his gun he has time to go and move the target before the bullet hits it."

The third boy says," Well, my dad is the fastest. He works for the government from 9 to 4 and he is home by 2 everyday."

____________________________________________________________________

How do Government workers wink?

They open one eye....

[Dixie_Peach 1]

Oh my gosh! My sides are killing me! You guys are hilarious!

Thanks for the laffs!

Lynne

[almaty 19]

[Marilyn. 340]

A construction worker on the 3rd floor of a building needs a handsaw, and spots another man on the 1st floor. He yells down to him, but the noise makes it impossible to hear anything, so he tries sign language. He points at his eye meaning "I", points at his knee meaning, "need", And moves his hand back and forth in a handsaw motion. The man on the 1st floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, and starts masturbating.

The man on the 3rd floor gets so angry he runs down to the 1st floor And shouts, " What is wrong with you, idiot? I said I needed a handsaw!"

The other guy says, "I knew that, I was just trying to tell you I'm coming."

__________________________________________________________________

Bill was lonely. He decided life would be more fun if he had a pet, but he didn't fancy a cat or a dog. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, Bill finally bought a centipede which came in a little white box .

Bill took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer ?" But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me ?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?

A little voice came out of the box that said...........

v

v

v

v

v

v

v

v

v

v

"I heard you the first time ! I'm putting my bl**dy shoes on !!"

[Tiksman 0]

Goverment worker one was just

[pri 0]

the hand saw is hilarious

[Marilyn. 340]

A nice young man wanted to purchase a Valentine's gift for his new sweetheart. As they had not been dating very long, after some careful consideration, he decided that a pair of elegant winter gloves would strike just the right note - romantic, but not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to a fine department store and chose a pair of lovely white fur-lined gloves. The sister did her own shopping, buying a pair of panties for herself. While the clerk was wrapping the items, she got the boxes mixed up, and gave the gloves to the sister and gift-wrapped the panties for the young man.

The young man sealed the package without noticing and sent it to his sweetheart, who opened it on Valentine's Day to find this enclosed note:

"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she demonstrated the short ones she wears that are easier to remove.

These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked very sharp.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away, as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love. (P.S ... The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing!)

_____________________________________________________

geez louise... I waited over 5 minutes too heck with it it is staying put here

You know you have had to much to drink when ...

1. You notice your tie sticking out of your fly.

2. Someone uses your tongue for a coaster.

3. You start kissing the portraits on the wall.

4. You see your underwear hanging from the chandelier.

5. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.

6. You strike a match and light your nose.

7. You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad.

8. You hear someone say, "Call a priest!"

9. You hear a duck quacking and it's you.

10. You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet.

11. You refill your glass from the fish bowl.

12. You tell everyone you have to go home... and the party's at your place.

13. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.

14. You yawn at the biggest bore in the room... and realize you're in front of the hall mirror.

15. You pick up a roll, and butter your watch.

16. You suggest everyone stand and sing the national budget.

18. You're at the dinner table and you ask the hostess to pass a bedpan.

19. You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear.

20. You tell your best joke to the rubber plant.

21. You realize you're the only one under the coffee table.

Edited February 14, 2006 by MarilynP

[Marilyn. 340]

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist! He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of the story."

"This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, only to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a ! window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket."

"When I was about three blocks from the store, I got a flat tire. When I finally got here, there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people and, all the time, the darn phone was ringing off the hook."

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels. The phone was still ringing. When I came up, I cracked my head on the open cash drawer which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. . . . all of them hit the floor and broke."

"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and when I finally got to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. . . .

v

v

v

v

v

and believe me, Mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her!"

:lol:

[almaty 19]

[Tiksman 0]

A cop stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. So he asks the man his name.

"Fred," he replies.

"Fred what?" the officer asks.

"Just Fred," the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.

"Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?"

The man replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me."

"I was born Fred Dingaling. I know - a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself, studied hard, and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor! I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD."

"After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS."

"Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD. So now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am Just Fred."

The officer walked away in tears, laughing

[Marilyn. 340]

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear made of Saran Wrap.

The psychiatrist says, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts!"

___________________________________________________

___________________________________________________

"Ten Reasons To Go To Work Naked"

10. No one ever steals your chair.

9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.

6. You want to see if it's like the dream.

5. To stop those creepy programmer guys from looking down your blouse.

4. "I'd love to chip in... but I left my wallet in my pants."

3. Inventive way to finally meet that 'special' person in Human Resources.

2. Can take advantage of your computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

And...drum roll...the Number One reason to go to work naked :

Your boss will never say, "I wanna see your azz in here by 8:00!" ever again.

Edited February 15, 2006 by MarilynP

[Peter Miami 0]

[almaty 19]

[Marilyn. 340]

HOW TO COPE WITH STRESS

1. Jam miniature marshmallows up your nose and sneeze them out. See how many you can do at a time.

2. Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.

3. Pay your electric bill in pennies.

4. When someone says "have a nice day", tell them you have other plans.

5. Make a list of things to do that you have already done.

6. Buy a subscription to "Sleazoid Weekly"; and send it to your boss's wife.

7. Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send him to pre-school as if nothing is wrong.

8. Fill out your tax form using Roman Numerals.

9. Tape pictures of your boss on watermelons and launch them from high places.

10. Leaf through National Geographic and draw underwear on the natives.

11. Tattoo "Out to Lunch"; on your forehead.

12. Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return them the next day.

13. Dance naked in front of your pets.

14. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.

15. Drive to work in reverse.

16. Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa and vice-ve