Need A Laugh

[almaty 19]

[Fandango 1,439]

A farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.

"$10 for 3 minutes," replied the pilot.

"That's too much," said the farmer.

The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10."

The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man."

"Maybe so," said the farmer, "But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out."

_____________________________________________________________________________

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine.

Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first. So, he inserted his ####### into the equipment, turned the switch on and . . . everything else was automatic!

Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with as much pleasure as his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his #######.

He read the manual but didn't find any useful information. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success.

Finally, the farmer decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line. "Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"

"Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "the machine was programmed to release automatically once it's collected two gallons of milk."

Edited February 6, 2006 by LisaD

[Yaads 0]

:lol:

2 gallons is gonna take a long time

[almaty 19]

[Tiksman 0]

[Marilyn. 340]

[tsunamihart 0]

Just got this this morning:

CRABBY WIFE !!

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper.

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

The trooper sai! d, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up she had 12 twenty-five pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her."

Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"

The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow ! "

[almaty 19]

Just got this this morning:

CRABBY WIFE !!

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper.

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

The trooper sai! d, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up she had 12 twenty-five pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her."

Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"

The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow ! "

[Marilyn. 340]

A Rare Photo Taken On An -A380 for a test flight Over Africa!!

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[Marilyn. 340]

Medical Stories

***********************************************************

1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby

in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the

lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear.

Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs -and I was in the wrong

one..

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio , TX .

*****************************************************************

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and

slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I

instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA

**************************************************************

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a w oman that

her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five

minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died

of a "massive internal fart."

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg , Manitoba , Canada

************************************************************

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his

cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble

with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch.

The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm

running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what

I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!

Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA

***********************************************************************

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How

long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she

answered..."Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was

alive."

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis , OR

*******************************************************************

6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this

morning?"

"It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem

to get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then

asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI

*********************************************************************

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with

purple hair , styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of

tattoos, and wearing strange clothing entered. It was quickly determined that the

patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate

surgery.

When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff

noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and a bove it there was a

tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon

wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

Submitted by RN no name

****************************************************************************

AND FINALLY!!!................

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB , I was quite

embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams.

To cover my embarrassment, I had

unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.

The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly

burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my

work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?"

She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar

Meyer Wiener".

Dr. wouldn't submit his name

[almaty 19]

[rclouse 0]

Win her over....

[breezy 0]

MP, I'm a big fan of your " For a laugh pages", thanks!

NEVER CHOKE IN A SOUTHERN RESTAURANT

Two hillbillies Ed and Red walk into a bar. While

having a shot of whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?"

The woman shakes her head no.

"Kin ya breathe?"

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.

His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there "Hind Lick Maneuver", but I ain't never seed nobody do it!"

[jolanda 0]

[Marilyn. 340]

A little bird was flying south for the winter.

It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the

ground and landed in a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by

and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen

bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began

to realize how warm it was. The dung was

actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm

and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the

pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!

The morals of this story:

1) Not everyone who drops ####### on you is your enemy.

2) Not everyone who gets you out of ####### is your friend.

3) And when you're in deep #######, keep your mouth shut.

Edited February 14, 2006 by MarilynP