Need A Laugh

[Marilyn. 340]

A girl from Oklahoma and a girl from Wisconsin were seated side by side on a plane.

The girl from Oklahoma, being friendly and all said, "So, where y'all from?"

The Wisconsin girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence."

The girl from Oklahoma sat quietly for a few moments and then replied, "So, where y'all from, b!tch?"

[Marilyn. 340]

Recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex:

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time.

Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long.

When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you."

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex, which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone

And last, but not least, the 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex. You get a little each month, but not enough to live on.

[Marilyn. 340]

FOR LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS):

1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

2. A will is a dead giveaway.

3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner .

10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

14. Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

16. A calendar's days are numbered.

17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

21. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.

22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

23. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.

29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.

Note: No trees were killed in the sending of this message, but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.

And my personal favorite:

An unhappy German is a Sour Kraut

[Ban Hammer 13,337]

And my personal favorite:

An unhappy German is a Sour Kraut

told that one to a german g/f of mine once - she didn't think it was funny

[Marilyn. 340]

THE RURAL AUSTRALIAN THESAURUS OF COMPUTER TERMS

Log On - Make the barbie hotter

Log Off - Don't add any more wood

Monitor - Keeping an eye on the barbie

Download - Get the firewood off the ute

Hard drive - Trip back home without any cold tinnies

Floppy disk - What you get lifting too much firewood at once

Keyboard - Where you hang the ute and bike keys

Window - What you shut when it's cold

Screen - What you shut in the mozzie season

Byte - What mozzies do

Bit - What mozzies did

Mega Byte - What Townsville mozzies do

Chip - A bar snack

Micro Chip - What's left in the bag after you have eaten the chips

Modem - What you did to the lawns

Dot Matrix - Old Dan Matrix's wife

Laptop - Where the cat sleeps

Software - Plastic knives and forks you get at Big Rooster

Hardware - Real stainless steel knives and forks from K Mart

Mouse - What eats the grain in the shed

Web - What spiders make

Web Site - The shed or under the verandah

Cursor - The old bloke down the pub who swears a lot

Search Engine - What you do when the ute won't go

Yahoo - What you say when the ute does go

Upgrade - A steep hill

Server - The person at the pub that brings out the counter lunch

Mail Server - The bloke at the pub that brings out the counter lunch

Internet - Complicated fish net repair method

Netscape - When fish manoeuvres out of reach of net

Online - When you get the laundry hung out

Off Line - When the pegs don't hold the washing up

Edited August 1, 2007 by MarilynP

[Marilyn. 340]

The following are real statements found on insurance claim forms. Drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident succinctly.

*Coming home, I drove into wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

*I thought my window was down, but found it was up when I put my head through it.

*The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.

*The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

*I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

*In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

*I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision, and I did not see the other car.

*The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck the front end.

*I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in the ditch by some stray cows.

*The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

*I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

*I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

*As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

*My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

*An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

*I told the police that I was not injured, but upon removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.

*I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the curb when I struck him.

*The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.

[Mrs.J06 4]

And my personal favorite:

An unhappy German is a Sour Kraut

told that one to a german g/f of mine once - she didn't think it was funny

Really? I think it's priceless! I got a T-shirt with that joke printed on from my colleagues (not that I ever am a Sour Kraut )

[Marilyn. 340]

Useless Tips for the Blunt Speaker

Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the object you wish to view.

Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper,but you'll also be getting paid for it.

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the gosh darn thing in the first place, you greedy git.

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by running a bit slower.

Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next ** from the butt of your last one. (American note: ** means cigarette, and butt is the end of one - taken the 'american' way this may be mistaken for a user manual for gay pride)

Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know the difference.

Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you have no doubt been made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.

High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your roof.

Corsa drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems anyway, so it may as well look like one.

A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy 'Next customer Please' sign for dyslexic shoppers.

Girls. Don't worry about a nice dress for that important first date. All he's interested in is seeing you starkers.

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

Housewives. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.

[almaty 19]

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

lol..so true

[brnidokiegurl 0]

.....She married and had 13 children. Her husband died.

She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her

husband died. But, she remarried again and this time

had 5 more children.

Alas, she finally died.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.

He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,

"Lord, they're finally together."

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend,

"Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"

The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."

[Marilyn. 340]

Rick was in trouble.

He forgot his wife’s birthday

His wife was really angry.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!! "

The next morning Rick got up early and left for work.

When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Rick has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him!

[JVKn'CVO 11]

Dog#1: woof!

Dog#2:woof!

Dog#3: woof woof!

Dog#1: Don't change the subject!

Caro

[Kathryn41 3,205]

More lexophile Humour:

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a

rest.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all

right now.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at

large.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U.C.L.A.

The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on

it.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky

ground.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

A will is a dead giveaway.

A backward poet writes inverse.

A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France , resulted in linoleum

blown apart.

He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

A calendar's days are numbered.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine .

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

[Kathryn41 3,205]

MEDICARE COVERAGE IN A NUTSHELL

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello."

"Mrs. Sanders, please."

"Speaking."

"Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your> husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."

"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.

"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now? "

"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

[Kathryn41 3,205]

On her 15th birthday, my daughter opened a package from her mom and her sisters. Out came a beauty case containing many samples of makeup.

"Neat!" I exclaimed. "Your own tackle box!"

My wife calmly explained that it was NOT a tackle box; it was a beauty kit.

My daughter proceeded to open it up and show us all the mascara, eye shadow,

rouge, and other cosmetics.

At this point I leaned over to my wife and whispered, "I told you it was a tackle box. Just look at all those lures."