Need A Laugh

[Marilyn. 340]

10 Things In Golf That Sound Dirty

1. Look at the size of his putter.

2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.

3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.

4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.

5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.

6. Lift your head and spread your legs.

7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.

8. Just turn your back and drop it.

9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.

10. Damn, I missed the hole again.

[almaty 19]

lol..do not play golf..but well versed in cussing

[Marilyn. 340]

A man received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown, with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude.

The man tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back.

He shook the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, the man put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream. Then suddenly there was quiet. Not a sound for half a minute. the man was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto the man's extended arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness."

The man was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued,

"May I ask what the chicken did?"

[~Chad~ 0]

Ways you can tell that you're getting older

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 am is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.

6. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up"

7. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up"

8. You're the one calling the cops because those d@mn kids next door won't turn the music down

9. Older relatives feel comfortable telling you sex jokes

10. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore

11. You feed your dog science diet food instead of McDonald's leftovers.

12. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one

13. Eating chicken wings at 3 am would upset, rather than settle, your stomach

14. You go to the drugstore for medicine instead of condoms or pregnancy tests.

15. A friend tells you she is pregnant and you say "congratulations" instead of "holy $h!t, what happened?!"

[JanaknJanet 0]

CURTAIN RODS---- PRICELESS!!

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.

Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere.

Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.

Nothing worked.

People stopped coming over to visit.

Repairmen refused to work in the house.

The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.

He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home........

And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods!!!!!!

[JanaknJanet 0]

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.

The officer says,

"I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says,

"Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, < /SPAN>

"Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says,

"You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through

clenched teeth,

"Dammit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says,

"And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says,

"Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says,

"Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

I love this part....

"Only when he's been drinking."

[~Chad~ 0]

A truck-driver was eating at the wafflehouse when a gang of bikers walked in. One of the bikers walked up to the trucker and grabbed his plate of food. The trucker just sat there as the biker began eating his food. The other bikers laughed as they watched on.

The trucker calmly got up and left. The biker turned to his friends and said "He aint much of a man, he didn't even stand up for himself."

A waitress who saw the whole thing was looking out of the window and said "He aint much of a truck-driver either, he just ran over a bunch of motor-bikes"

[The_dip_sticks 0]

I really needed something to make me smile today. Thank you all for contributing. =0)

[GaryC 7]

A man takes his wife to the doctor because she is having chest pains. The doctor takes her into the exam room. A little later the doctor comes out to talk to the husband. The man said "What is wrong with her?" The doctor said she has acute angina. The man said "her boobs are pretty nice too but what does that have to do with her pain?"

[maryandatif 0]

[Marilyn. 340]

By the time Dave pulled into the small town every hotel room was taken. He finally pulled up to the very last hotel and went into the office.

"You've got to have a room somewhere" he pleaded." -- Or just a bed - I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager," and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired travelers assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning Dave came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy tailed.

"How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.

"Never better."

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time" said Dave.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," Dave explained." I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

[devblt 0]

I pulled an old woman at a club over the weekend.

She was a right sort for 57, we drank a bit, had a bit of a snog & she

asked if I'd ever had a mother and daughter 3 some?

I said no. We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky

night.

I went back to hers.

She put the hall light on & and shouted upstairs:

" Mum you still awake ?"

[~Chad~ 0]

Nice bump.

A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little

> girl stopped beside him on her shiny new bike.

> "Nice bike," the cop said, "Did Santa bring it to you?" "Yep," the

> little girl said, "He sure did!"

> The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $20 ticket for a

> safety violation, saying, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector

> light on the back of it." The young girl looked up at the cop and

> said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?"

> "Yes, he sure did,"

> chuckled the cop.

> The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa

> the #### goes underneath the horse, not on top."

[~Chad~ 0]

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my

husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically

telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a

suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet

paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front

of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?"

I asked. "They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies..

I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my

breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he ma y even walk

again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a

straw.

Stupid, stupid man

[almaty 19]

lol.