Need A Laugh

[Marilyn. 340]

Warnings you won't see on the label

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have super-human fighting powers, resulting in you getting your butt kicked.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that old friends and ex-lovers really enjoy it when you call them on the phone at 3:30 in the morning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people, causing you to act like an moron, and/or causing you to get beat up, broken up with, even arrested.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up on a sidewalk in a pool of vomit, wondering where your car keys, wallet, and automobile are.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be the leading cause of pregnancy!

Remember...THINK BEFORE YOU DRINK!

[Marilyn. 340]

A Blonde's Cookbook

MONDAY: It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbours were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

TUESDAY: Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper.

WEDNESDAY: A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.

THURSDAY: Today Tom asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden.

FRIDAY: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

SATURDAY: Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy). For some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.

SUNDAY: Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY: This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with chocolate moose.

[Marilyn. 340]

[brnidokiegurl 0]

Hopefully these are new and havent been posted didnt read all the back pages

Home Remedies:

1. A mouse trap places on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep

2. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be scared to cough

3. Clumsy? avoid cutting yourself while slicing get someone else to hold while you chop

4. Avoid arguments with the MRS about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink

5. For high blood pressure simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins, remember to use a timer

6. Toothache? smash you thumb with a hammer you will forget the pain

Sometimes we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesnt move and should used the WD-40. If it shoulnt move and does, ues the duct tape.

Also remember:

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them

Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom

If you woke up breathing, congratulations!! You get another chance.

AND FINALLY, be really nice to your family and friends, you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan

[JaJo 1]

The Best Patients

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says: "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds: "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color-coded."

The third surgeon says: "No, I really think file clerks are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and tail are interchangeable."

[author unknown, but probably a Washington surgeon]

[Marilyn. 340]

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a 'drop off' (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is another galloping horse. Both horses are also traveling at the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

For the answer click and drag your mouse from star to star.

*

Get your drunk a$$ off the merry-go-round.

*

Edited January 25, 2007 by MarilynP

[Marilyn. 340]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night. He returned around 2:30am, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said: "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!"

Edited January 25, 2007 by MarilynP

[brnidokiegurl 0]

Joe's will provided $ 30,000 for an elaborate funeral.

> As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to

her

> oldest friend.

> "Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased," she said.

>

> "I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and

leaned

> in close. "How much did this really cost?"

>

> "All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand."

>

> "No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $ 30,000?"

>

> Helen answered. "The funeral was $ 6,500. I donated $ 500 to the

church.

> The wake, food and drinks were another $ 500. The rest went for the

> memorial stone."

>

> Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big

is

> it?

>

> "Two and a half carats."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: WOMEN ARE EVIL BY NATURE

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.

She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.

As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender.. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

"Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

[Marilyn. 340]

a lot of this is true..... my hubby's family is Mexican.... one of his cousins sent me this...

Top 15 ways to tell it's a MEXICAN birthday party:

1. Some of the guests didn't bring a gift - but brought extra uninvited kids.

2. The party is separated into women cooking, men drinking, and kids playing.

3. The party is at Chuck E. Cheese but they brought their own food, cake and a Pizza.

4. It's a child's party, but there are more grown ups than children.

5. It's Mijo's 1st birthday and the party food is carne asada, arroz, frijoles and 10 cases of beer.

6. For entertainment, instead of playing pin the tail on the donkey, there is usually a televised baseball or football game, or a live fight.

7. The party was supposed to be over at 5pm, but its 7:30pm and the party is just starting.

8. The host calls someone who's on their way and tells them to stop and get some tortillas and ice.

9. You hear someone go up to the birthday child and say, "Mira, que lindo. I'm going to have to get you something next week when I get paid."

10. The party is Saturday, and you get a call from the hostess Friday saying,"I'm giving Mijo a birthday party tomorrow at 3pm"

11. Some guest bring gifts that are still in the Wal-Mart bag.

12. The cake didn't come from the store; it came from the mother of the comadre of your best friend's sister who makes really good cakes.

13. You are told you have to save your plate and fork you ate your food with, so you can eat your cake.

14. Guests automatically wrap up a plate of food and cake to take home.

15. It's Mijo's birthday, but since his cousin Maria is there and her birthday is in a few days, it becomes Mijo's and Maria's party.

[Marilyn. 340]

"True Friendship" (None of that Sissy #######)

Are you tired of those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality?

Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.

You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card - Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.

1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry ####### who made you sad.

2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile -- I will know you finally got laid.

4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you stop your damn whining.

6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.

7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ###.

9. This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask..."because you are my friend".

Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, But only you can feel the true warmth.

Send this to 10 of your closest friends, Then get depressed because you can only think of 4...

[Savanphil 3]

Funny political cartoon

Edited February 8, 2007 by Savanphil

[Marilyn. 340]

Rules of Housekeeping For 2007

1. Vacuuming too often weakens the carpet fibers. Say this with a serious face, and shudder delicately whenever anyone mentions Carpet Fresh.

2. Dust bunnies can evolve into dust rhinos when disturbed. Rename the area under the couch "The Galapagos Islands" and claim an ecological exemption.

3. Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of "5" and leave it alone.

4. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduces the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your husband points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look affronted and exclaim, "What? And spoil the mood?"

5. In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazard tower of unread magazines and newspapers next to your chair provides the valuable Feng Shui aspect of a tiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability. Roll your eyes when you say this.

6. Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand-sewn play animals for underprivileged children.

7. If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love you to see our Den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive."

8. If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that, "THIS is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes..."

9. Don't bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall with an assortment of crayons, and try to muster a glint of tears as you say, "Junior did this the week before that unspeakable accident... I haven't had the heart to clean it..."

10. Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself into a chair, and sigh....

[Dan J 277]

An elderly couple were sitting in church on Sunday morning. The wife leans over to her husband and says, "I just let out a silent fart, what should I do?"

He leaned over to her and said, "Buy some new batteries for your hearing aide!!"

ROFL !

Thanks for the laughs!

[Marilyn. 340]

Baby expert

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...''

"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my speciality?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat " After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too."

"The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your,..um.. equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."

With that, Mrs. Smith fainted............

Edited March 1, 2007 by MarilynP

[Marilyn. 340]

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under you vehicle...

From the NORTHWEST FLORIDA Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.

On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.

On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.